Internet Lawyers Vow Decimation And Liable Lawsuits Against Palmer Pizza Shop Owner For Typing Mean Words, Owners Claim Only One Employee Is Addicted To Heroin

Internet Lawyers Vow Decimation And Liable Lawsuits Against Palmer Pizza Shop Owner For Typing Mean Words, Owners Claim Only One Employee Is Addicted To Heroin

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The other day we wrote about this ding dong Mike Sabourin who owns Saporito’s Pizza shop in Palmer. He became Turtleboy famous after he called a chick fat after she posted about a negative experience she had with his pizza shop, and then proceeded to call other people faggots and brag about how rich he is.

Many suggested that there was drug dealing going on out of Saporito’s. We had no evidence of this, so we didn’t report that. But others were saying they did in the comments. This apparently led to Mike’s wife messaging one of these commenters to let her know that only one of Saporito’s employees currently does heroin:

Ya got that? Just one. This is a reputable business with a lone heroin addict under their employ. A classy business if there ever was one. I mean, does this look like the kind of place that would hire just anyone?

Nope. Saporito’s has a very strict “one junkie employee” policy.

Others defended the wall, and let people know that there is absolutely no drug dealing going on there:

And if you can’t trust a chick who was recently busted in Palmer with 190 bags of heroin, then who can you trust?


Anyway, the comments section on our Facebook page under this particular blog were everything you dreamed they would be and more. There was some hilarious commentary involving sexual innuendo:

Turtle riders are the funniest people on earth, and physically attractive as well. Everyone knows that.

Soon after that Mike Sabourin made an appearance to diss the town of Palmer, where he for some reason chose to open a pizza shop:


Then Mikey boy started whining about Turtleboy “bashing the town”:

This of course is coming from the same guy who said this:

So obviously he made a wise decision to venture into the comments section.

Then he started posting pictures of turtle rider’s families and calling them monkeys:

Because obviously he had no done enough damage to his business’ already stellar reputation.

After that it was time for the Internet lawyers to come out and play.


Obviously Tyler knows what he’s talking about, and Mike Sabourin is about to get taken to the cleaners for calling a chick fat on Facebook. This right here is the face of a man who is VERY familiar with Legal Zoom:


Plus, he even knows a lawyer who got people off for murder:

So naturally “thousands” will be coming this woman’s way, because that’s how court works.

According to Tyler there are plenty of lawyers just lining up to take on this open and shut case:

Profiling someone’s image. That’s a new one. Hey Tyler, I know one attorney who will DEFINITELY take the case!!

Dick N. Vulva is taking Mike Sabourin to poundtown!!

Others agreed:

Told you it would be an easy case!! Obviously Julio is a man of high intellect, which can be assumed on the basis of his favorite sportball team:


But all these guys were rookies when it came to Internet lawsuits. Soon after the REAL experts came out to play, starting with Tina Marie:

Obviously you can tell by her uncanny selfie abilities that she was gonna be full of hot takes:

She started off so strong. Then “decimation of character” happened, and it was all downhill from there. Of course decimation of character is far worse than simple defamation of character. At least when your character is defamed you can repair the damage. When your character is decimated it’s blown into a million pieces and even all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Mike Sabourin’s character back together again.

Then Holly Marie jumped in:

Stop the fight!! She’s suing her former company. She is now a legal expert. Sure, she hasn’t actually won anything in court, and pretty much anyone can file a lawsuit and waste their time and money on court and attorney fees. But nevertheless she has extensive experience in lawsuits so we must all heed to her wisdom.

Holly pointed out that Mike Sabourin will be sued because he “sought her out” and “tried to shame her.”

Because mean words on the Internet = lawsuit.

After that Holly lectured everyone on what “liable” is:

Liable. Real life. Can’t make this stuff up.

A turtle rider who was going at it with these Law and Order ISU (I’ll sue you) geniuses posted a screenshot of something someone sent her about the Internet lawyers she was going at it with:

Tina immediately filed another countersuit:


Hey Tina, you sure do seem to know a lot about the law. Where’d you learn this all anyway?

Of course. Her best friend is a lawyer, and they did a text message that morning. Now she’s an expert.

Anyway, we anxiously await our subpoena and lawsuit for talking about these imaginary lawsuits. Clearly all these Legal Zoom graduates cannot be wrong.



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7 Comment(s)
  • Sportball
    May 16, 2017 at 12:59 am

    Using the word “sportsball” is so neckbeardy.

  • Who Cares About These Freaks
    May 15, 2017 at 12:40 pm

    This is why I almost never read the Turtle anymore-dumpster diving Facebook for freaks by writers who can’t even spell LIBEL.

    • Turd Burglestein
      May 15, 2017 at 12:45 pm

      Moron…the writer used the word “Liable” instead of “Libel” intentionally to point out the stupidity of the people on the internet who don’t know what the actual word is. Why don’t you look at the screen shots and then where the writer used “liable” and see if your feeble mind can comprehend it then.

  • Idiots everywhere
    May 15, 2017 at 12:35 pm

    You really can’t make this shit up. Thank god for screenshots.

  • ElJefe72
    May 15, 2017 at 12:20 pm

    I am 100% AF! #FACTS

    • BromantheBeerbarian
      May 15, 2017 at 9:05 pm

  • Turd Burglestein
    May 15, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    These morons who think it’s decimation of character are funny. I’d bet If you asked them what the meaning of defamation was, they’d probably think it was an act of making someone unfamous. Even funnier would be to ask them to explain how you can make remove someone’s fame with simple words.

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