Smiles And Sunshine

Looking For A Monumental Waste Of Your Time? The “Straight Pride” Parade In Boston Is Happening This Summer

Well, would you look at this:

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I know I’m going to catch a lot of slack for this, but here goes anyway….What. The. Fuck. You can go ahead and leave your hate for me in the comments section. I don’t give a fuck. There is no real common sense here, it’s the ultimate show of butthurt weakness. Just like when feminists rail on about wanting the rights we already fucking have, straight pride is a stupid, boring and needless idea. Just one less day in Boston where you can drive without the risk of a fatal road rage accident!

“March faster, ya fuckin’ heteros!”

“This is our chance to have a patriotic parade in Boston as we celebrate straight pride.”  

Has this guy never been to the Fourth of July parade? Missed out on the memorial day parade? We have plenty of patriotic parades running through Boston throughout the calendar year, buddy. I don’t know where you’ve been. This is just confusing. Straight pride parade? Isn’t that just traffic?

I’m not going to argue the merits of the gays vs. the heteros here, because what’s the point? I don’t give a fuck who sleeps with who, unless its someone I’m sleeping with (my husband), because I’m not a nosey fucking pervert. Your orifices, your business. And if you want to have a parade…. have a parade, I guess? Don’t cry when I mock your boring-ass idea, though.

Gay pride parades are fun because they’re full of unusual and flamboyant shit like this.

 

It’s fun to gawk at. It’s high energy. So many colors, so much glitter. You can be morally opposed to it, or not, but let’s face it, this is at the very least interesting to look at.

 

And this is not.

There’s a 36.3% chance this will end in divorce!

 

Gay pride events are usually booze soaked great times – it’s straight white women who lame this shit up.

Let’s march until we’re offended by EVERYTHING!

 

 

It’s a daytime adult event, not a children’s storybook hour, for fuck’s sake. This is both the right time and place for this shit, and it’s fun.

 

 

Sorry, fellow straight people, but let’s be real here – we’re just never going to get that fucking creative with our pride.

A straight pride parade, I would imagine, would look more like….this?

 

I mean…I’d trust those folks to give me sound financial advice for sure. Or recommend a good Steakhouse. Less so to put on a bitchin’ and visually interesting street event. We’re talking a parade. With floats.

What kind of floats would a straight pride parade included, exactly? Cargo shorts themed float?

 

A His-and-Her novelty item float?

Unplanned pregnancy float?

Bachelor pad themed float?

Maybe a wicked fun Bible booth?

 

Sounds like a blast.

 

And yeah, I know these are all really broad and unfair stereotypes aimed at heterosexuals, but 99% of every gay pride parade is celebrating every wild and flamboyant homo stereotype except for like, AIDS, because AIDS isn’t fun. But you know what is fun? Gay pride.

I don’t really see the point. Like, yeah, I guess in theory an event of this magnitude is extremely triggering to liberal wingnuts, and that’s amusing and all, but you can troll for that same reaction literally everywhere on the internet at any time, on any day. And honestly, way to be wicked triggered, straight people in Boston. You’re so bothered by a glittered-laden rainbow parade that you must have your own, too? Like some sort of cultural participation trophy? Lame.

Anyway, for the record, I think this is a stupid idea that’s just going to fuck up traffic and draw a bunch of counter protests. But hey, if you’re so fucking bothered by the idea of not being recognized for your attraction to the opposite sex and natural inclination to make babies, feel free to hit up Mark Sahady.

I bet he still needs volunteers to man the Socks with Sandals float.

 

 

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86 Comment(s)
  • My Name Is Marty And I Am An Alcoholic
    June 7, 2019 at 11:27 am

    I will be at the Pride parade this weekend with mixed emotions.
    Will coming out adversely effect my political career. I stand with the sodomites.

    • Greg
      June 7, 2019 at 3:45 pm

      The word you were going for was affect, not effect. Maybe there’s a Poorly Educated Pride parade in which you could participate.

      • Gay Greg Sucks Cock Thars The Effect.
        June 8, 2019 at 1:15 pm

        Shitstains make typos all day like gay greg.

      • My Name Is Marty And I Am An Alcoholic
        June 8, 2019 at 4:46 pm

        Give me a break. I went to Newman Prep for Christ’s sake.

  • Y
    June 6, 2019 at 10:41 am

    Sorry, BTC, but I believe this is the right take:

  • Covefe2020
    June 5, 2019 at 6:50 pm

    The LGBTQERS who march are looking for validation of their life choices. Nobody cares who you sleep with. If they go about their lives like everyone else it would validate itself. But instead they feel the need to shove it down our throats while waving rainbow flags wearing assless chaps.

    • Greg
      June 5, 2019 at 10:05 pm

      Man, you are one ignorant f—k. Learn a little history before shooting off your mouth, punk.

      • Chaps
        June 6, 2019 at 6:48 am

        The history of assless chaps? I know that it is a pleonasm in that all chaps are technically assless.

      • Libtard Cuck
        June 6, 2019 at 10:04 am

        Why does it always come down to something getting “shoved down your throat” with you people? Like everytime. “I don’t want them shoving it down my throat.” Derp. “Whatever you do, please, don’t shove it down my thoat. ” ” I just couldn’t handle it down my throat.” “I just couldn’t imagine that big beautiful cock down my throat…” Go to Kelly’s and order some fish taco’s until that queasy felling passes, butch.

  • Bill Clinton
    June 5, 2019 at 2:49 pm

    If any body is looking for a Parade Marshall for the straight pride parade, I am available. Will there be any young nubile interns to work with me on the creative side?

    • Bob K
      June 5, 2019 at 2:50 pm

      Hey Bill

      I think I can throw in $60 for the Korean theme parade float…

      • D Hasselhoff
        June 5, 2019 at 2:52 pm

        I am available to rock this crowd’s socks off. Let me know who is bringing the sauce I mean drinks…

        • Jeffrey Epstein
          June 5, 2019 at 2:59 pm

          Is there a lower age limit on participants? Will 14 year old girls be allowed on my float?

          • Greg
            June 7, 2019 at 4:45 pm

            Fourteen? That’s a year older than the girl Donald Trump raped in Jeffrey Epstein’s apartment back in 1994.

          • Camel Jockey
            June 9, 2019 at 1:29 am

            14 thats 3 years older than Obama’s bath house playmates.

  • Y
    June 5, 2019 at 2:01 pm

  • BucketNutz
    June 5, 2019 at 11:40 am

    Bottom line is some of us are sick of the fascism of the Gaystapo, TC.
    Tell us, who would you rather babysit your kids? The avg Gay Pride marcher? Or the millions of us who won’t march in the Straight parade, but totally agree with their trolling ulterior motive?

  • Knowyourrights
    June 5, 2019 at 10:54 am

    https://www.thoughtco.com/which-states-ratified-the-era-3528872

    Women’s rights arent protected by the Constitution…think about that before you rag on feminists, you dumb cunt.

  • Disco Sucks
    June 5, 2019 at 10:52 am

    Bravo Tango Charlie misses the point entirely: This would be an epic troll.

    And yes, those who march in the parade should wear outfits like the people who’ve turned into their parents in the Progressive television commercials: Even more great mockery.

    Parading around in a Mad Max costume with your dong hanging out is not exactly broadcasting a message of “Hey, I’m normal, and I should be treated like a normal person just like everyone else.” It might be fun to watch ’em, but let’s face it, you’re having fun at their expense, because you’re gawking at them like they’re carny freaks.

    Normalizing this shit is how you end up with a sweaty, hairy, communist Carol Channing impersonator reading stories to little kids at a public library.

    Enough.

    • Imetmyhusbandatthebrocktonfair
      June 6, 2019 at 3:14 am

      Disco sucks, thanks now I get it . Epic troll mockery of the blt123 shit that constantly pushed on us. Now i say go for it have a laugh. I like the progressive outfit idea. Also an option, 2 n a half men era charlie sheen bowling shirt ,cargo shorts ,and gym socks with loafers works as a straight guy uniform. Sorry I thought yall were serious. Troll away.

  • TurtleScum
    June 5, 2019 at 10:43 am

    My last visit to this site. I used to like the topics UT used to cover. Now this site is just a money grab.

    • .......
      June 5, 2019 at 11:15 am

      Do you want a cookie for announcing your departure?

  • Randall Guy
    June 5, 2019 at 10:28 am

    Gay parades and parties > > > hetero events. Its not even close.

    First these numbnuts are organizing an event on a Holiday weekend Saturday?

    BTW, Bristol, do a little digging on Mark Sahady.

    A-1 nazi racist scumbag of the year. And frequent guest of Dianna Ploss. Need I say more?

    • Bill the Butcher
      June 5, 2019 at 11:55 am

      Randy, why are your takes always so wrong? Are you just very dumb?

  • ChrisInShrewsbury
    June 5, 2019 at 8:45 am

    Nice try on straight divorce rate meme. Relationship Stability research strongly indicates that same-sex cohabiting couples have higher dissolution rates than different-sex couples. (Please spare me your destabilizing minority stress argument)

    Straight white men have been marginalized in the US; Makes you want to buy a cabin in Montana and start mailing packages.

    • only the FACKS
      June 5, 2019 at 9:06 am

      36.3% of ALL couples end in divorce, statistically. 1% of gay couples to 2% straight, proportionally. Lesbian couples have a higher divorce rate by approximately 15%, proportionally. I believe the caption was meant as more of a demonstrative piece of entertainment, BTC is usually right on when she throws out numbers. That being said, give the gays time, they’ll catch up. But to say straight relationships are more stable is categorically untrue.

  • richyrich
    June 5, 2019 at 8:12 am

    I don’t need to put myself through the misery of going to Boston to see a parade of a bunch of drunk dudes that like women. I can see that on any given Saturday night in my crappy little NH hometown.

  • Dick Hertz from Holden
    June 5, 2019 at 7:09 am

    I went to Provincetown once, about 30 yrs ago, what a sickening display. Would never, ever go again.

    • Liberace
      June 5, 2019 at 10:29 am

      I hear it’s fabulous these days!!!

    • Greg
      June 5, 2019 at 10:10 pm

      You couldn’t afford to pitch a tent in Provincetown. You’re doing everyone a favor by staying away… white trash drives down property values. Enjoy Hampton Beach.

  • Paul Manafort
    June 5, 2019 at 7:01 am

    I have a lot of pride in all of you. And a case and a half of ramen noodles.

  • Regis Philbin
    June 5, 2019 at 6:44 am

    Wow, I just wanted to comment on what a great and funny article Bristol wrote. Of course it turned into a flame war. get a life people. Nobody cares. It’s funny.Regis Philbin

  • Wwy
    June 5, 2019 at 1:31 am

    “It’s time to take the rainbow back”.

    -Owen Benjamin

    • Y
      June 5, 2019 at 11:03 am

  • ThatHomo
    June 4, 2019 at 10:41 pm

    This was brutally honest and hilarious.
    Thank you.

  • Illegal Alien Invasion
    June 4, 2019 at 10:29 pm

    Homelessness rises 20 percent in Los Angeles and government experts purportedly dont know why.

  • Turtz McGurtz
    June 4, 2019 at 10:15 pm

    But if you just look at it as trolling its mildly funny. And you just know that this nonsense will attract some sort of counter-protest that will inevitably get out of hand.

  • 617 boston Dee
    June 4, 2019 at 9:52 pm

    If you look at it , blacks can have BET and black lifes matter , the gays have all the be p.c. bullshit , there is hispanic history month , black history month . Who is the minority in the us these days ? Think about it ? But if we had white entertainment t.v. , white lifes matter , or white history month we would be crucified . But we are the racist ones that never use the race card or ever claim racism . Least we can do is this and stand up for ourselfs some way !!!

    • Literate Pride Parade
      June 5, 2019 at 7:46 am

      With your awful writing I’m surprised you can even read.

  • All my posts are satire
    June 4, 2019 at 9:07 pm

    Heteros create a future
    Homos create AIDS
    40% of pedos are homos. So 2% of the population makes up 40% of it’s child predators. (Notice the child drag queen predictive programming being pushed by the (((media))) now); unthinkable just a few years ago.
    Men fucking each other up the ass and getting shit all over their dick is nothing to be proud about. Then shoving their shit covered dicks in each others mouths. Most gays end up having a scat fetish because they’re so used to handling each others shit.
    They’ve also been working hard to create very resistant strains of STD’s. Be careful when you eat in a restaurant, the industry is rife with fags with super gonorrhea coughing all over your food.

    • Parking pass
      June 4, 2019 at 10:45 pm

      “Be careful in restaurants”? I have news for you. The last meal you ate had dried cum and boogers in it. And the groceries? Feces in a LOT of it. Stop being a cum and shit eater. You gay shitball.

      • Phantom Gourmet
        June 5, 2019 at 9:56 am

        I’ve never seen that at the places I “Review”.

  • The Common Man
    June 4, 2019 at 9:00 pm

    While I have no interest in going to Boston for any parade, I do understand where the organizers are coming from. First, we were told they wanted to share in their significant others benefits and that nothing would change. After they had that, they spent the next 10 years trying to give gay relationships equal status with heterosexual relationships.(despite the fact that mathematically, this is categorically false. They got that, and now adoption agencies are closing down, business owners are being sued, and school curriculums are changing. Not one of these changes was accomplished through the will of the voters but rather through the court system. Now, states waste money on lighting up public buildings with rainbow colors. Six months after pride, they arnt allowing Christmas decorations in public buildings, only holiday decorations. If public spaces are supposed to be inclusive, then having pride stuff on public property is divisive.

    It’s not the event l itself, it’s the inconsistentcy in how this stuff is policed. And the shifting goal post of what the end goal is for these groups.

    Having said that, the straight priders are going about this completely wrong. Get gays who are against marriage (they do exist) to apply to march in the Pride parade. After all, if they can March in a parade celebrating a Catholic saint, then surely the Pride parade will support having different voices marching since they argued for years how important it is to have diversity.

    PS. I house/dog sat for a girl so she could go to California to marry her girl. I’m sharing my thoughts because I feel they are a more accurate representation of what these straight priders are feeling.

    • Chris
      June 5, 2019 at 2:21 pm

      St. Patrick should be removed from the March parade because it’s now a 2nd Boston gay parade. It has nothing to do with Christianity.

  • hank hank
    June 4, 2019 at 8:40 pm

    it will be guys in there 30s who are still single and cant get layed. cucks for sure and they should died

    • Zorro
      June 4, 2019 at 9:04 pm

      You should died. Thats a mean thing to say about someone expressing their sexuality asshole

      • gaydar
        June 4, 2019 at 9:31 pm

        you could be apt to get a woman if you wasn’t so gay. but you is gay and do drugs cuz of it

  • Nations That Embraced Sodomy Fell Hard
    June 4, 2019 at 8:35 pm

    There is nothing funny, clean, moral or natural about a sodomy lifestyle. Infact insurance actuary tables are fun to read when you see what a deviant lifestyle does to an individusls lifespan but let them die and decrease the surplus population.

    • Uncle Sodom
      June 4, 2019 at 10:39 pm

      Someone never got over the rump-loosening they got by their uncle. Get over it. Faggy.

      • Uncle Sodoms Mom BackDoor
        June 5, 2019 at 1:35 am

        Someone is a sick demented aids infected cum guzzling anal licker.

      • Self Loathing Uncle Sodom
        June 5, 2019 at 1:54 am

        Uncle sodom rapes his nepews.
        Sick demented sodomite that he is.

    • The Fun Zone
      June 4, 2019 at 10:49 pm

      You sound miserable and horrible to be around. Are you the old, lonely saddie that holds the “repent now” sign?

      • Afraid of Judgement Day
        June 5, 2019 at 1:38 am

        You sound like you are desperately clinging to your worthless life aids boy.

  • z
    June 4, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    I hear the grand marshal is going to be Milo Yiannopoulos.

    If that happened there’d be blood in the streets.

  • Pots meeting kettles
    June 4, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    I think bristol is totally missing the mark on this one.
    A straight pride parade is exactly what we need in this age of insanity. This only reaffirms how sad and pathetic people are who have nothing better to do than celebrate their sexuality as if it was the only thing that defines them as individuals. No doubt they will all be up in arms over people emulating the same behavior they display. Remember, celebrate diversity.

  • H Goringen
    June 4, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    When I hear the words “pride” and “parade “ I reach for my revolver.

    • Greg
      June 4, 2019 at 9:11 pm

      Are you suicidal because your closeted?

      • Demarious "hate speech" Jones-Washington
        June 4, 2019 at 9:51 pm

        He probably just hates degeneracy and would take “pride” in ridding society of it.

      • GONAD THE GRAMMARIAN
        June 5, 2019 at 1:58 am

        Your is a possesive pronoun.
        The words you are searching for are you are or you’re.
        Ok moron

        • Greg
          June 5, 2019 at 10:14 pm

          I know the difference, dickwad. It was a typo.

          • Your Mom Says You Are Anal.
            June 6, 2019 at 2:16 am

            Typo shitstain I think not.

      • H Goringen
        June 5, 2019 at 10:26 am

        Yes I committed suicide with cyanide before they hanged me. Never trust Amerikaneren.

  • Hmmmmm
    June 4, 2019 at 7:34 pm

    It’s going to be a bunch of cucks whining about how they aren’t getting laid or aren’t married.

  • Gayvid Portnoy
    June 4, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    Huffleboy sports is sick!

  • whatevuh
    June 4, 2019 at 7:06 pm

    If this is such a bad idea, then what is the point of the gay pride parade? Why do we need a gay pride parade at all? THINK ABOUT IT

    • Greg
      June 4, 2019 at 9:13 pm

      Do you honestly not understand the origins of gay pride?

      • whatevuh
        June 4, 2019 at 9:19 pm

        Yes, I realize it’s a display of anyone who is a weirdo, and wants to make a sickening show of themselves, I can see that

        • Greg
          June 5, 2019 at 10:16 pm

          You could’ve have refrained from responding and just me suspect that you’re an ignorant POS instead of proving it for me.

      • R. Lee Ermey
        June 5, 2019 at 12:25 pm

        It’s because their mommy and daddy didn’t pay enough attention to them when they were children.

      • I See AIDS And Anal Cancer In Your Future
        June 8, 2019 at 9:13 pm

        I understand Pride Cometh Before The Fall.

  • Sammy
    June 4, 2019 at 6:59 pm

    I would like to think these days people don’t care who bangs who or what. Let’s stop jamming it down everyone’s throats.

  • Tom Blackburn
    June 4, 2019 at 6:56 pm

    If this is another Charlottesville then I am 100% for it. Republicans uniting for the same cause.

  • Imetmyhusbandatthebrocktonfair
    June 4, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    Too many parades and holidays as is that get in the way getting important shit done. Every sunday service, kids b-day party, backyard cook outs, and sporting events already are a celebration of straightness. I’m straight but this is overkill. These dudes should just join the elks or a bowling league if they need pats on the back for being normal.

  • Liawatha
    June 4, 2019 at 6:39 pm

    We need to stop the straight’s parade dead in it’s tracks. A straight parade would only be an attempt to legitimize the Cisgendered White Patriarchy. We can not allow these hateful straights to march and we can not allow their voices to be heard.

    • z
      June 4, 2019 at 7:53 pm

      Sometimes I think I’m and the others that up votes are the only ones besides you that get it.

  • Randal Gay
    June 4, 2019 at 6:36 pm

    Imagine the male adults that sleep alone every night. No woman by their side. It alerts people of 3 things. 1. They have a very tiny penis.(When your hung, ya get it). 2. They’re angry (image being known as being….) 3. They have gay thoughts CONSTANTLY. (Adult male sports fans take notice).

    • Randall Guy's Dad
      June 4, 2019 at 6:43 pm

      Randy! The MB called. They need you to work the back booth tonight.

    • Not true at all
      June 5, 2019 at 10:36 am

      “(When your hung, ya get it)”

      No, it is not true at all. Not everyone advertises. If we did, we would get attention from all types – the wrong types. Yeah, good girls too would be interested. Some of us want real relationships. And some of us are not gonna date just anyone. No marriage proposals, please.

      Also, it is “you’re.”

  • Closet is closed
    June 4, 2019 at 5:51 pm

    There is zero need to apologize for writing this blog. This does nothing to help anyone who holds conservative viewpoints. It is an inflammatory demonstration used for mockery and to show contempt. There is no other point. It’s fucking childish. I would further imply that anyone who participates in this may live in a glass closet.

  • Mussolini
    June 4, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    The Straight Pride Parade should be an ode to the family, not a bunch of degenerates getting loaded. Anybody with half a brain knows gay pride parades are the rejection of the family and the values that we as Americans hold dear. Shame on Turtlegirl for supporting degenerate behavior, I suppose writing about degenerates is start to turn her into one.

    • Don't tell this idiot Mussolini but....
      June 4, 2019 at 5:47 pm

      Gay couples raise children too. Divorce and absentee fathers destroyed family values. I hope you find the other half of your brain someday!

      • poz.com
        June 4, 2019 at 9:14 pm

        *Gay couples groom kids and molest boys
        Fixed it for you.

        • Greg
          June 5, 2019 at 10:19 pm

          You sound like you’re projecting, pedo.

  • The angry taint
    June 4, 2019 at 5:34 pm

    this parade will be as fucking useless as the blog that was just written about it.

  • IDK
    June 4, 2019 at 5:23 pm

    Agreed. It would be really fun to watch the triggered liberal wingnuts though. They gon lose they damn minds over this

    • Waingro
      June 4, 2019 at 5:34 pm

      Agreed — that reason is enough that this NEEDS to happen.

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