All-Star Criminals

Machete Moses And Side Chick Sally Travel From Lowell To Milford NH To Rob Convenience Store With Machete, Defend Their Honor On Police Facebook Post Despite Previously Being On Turtleboy


Milford, NH Police announced over the weekend that they had arrested two local trashbags for robbing a convenience store with a Goddamn machete! Of course they were from Lowell.

A machete? Was this winner robbing a store or hunting Vietcong?

The pandemic was the best thing that ever happened to guttermuppets like this. Not only did they get paid not to work, they also were forced to cover their faces which made armed robberies like this a lot easier.

The number one rule of thumb if you’re ever shamed like this on a police Facebook page is to avoid the comments section at all costs. Nothing good can come out of showing up in the comments and pleading to the masses as to why you aren’t actually guilty. Not once in the history of Facebook has that ever changed anyone’s opinion.

Cassandra Lloyd does not subscribe to this belief.

So according to her she wasn’t on film robbing the store, therefore she wasn’t involved in the robbery that she’s being charged for. Makes sense.

When I commented she claimed that she didn’t know what the charge was, even though it said in the Facebook post that she was charged with robbery. All she knows is she had a warrant out for her arrest.

She messaged me to clarify.

She insisted that if I wrote this blog it was me who would look like the moron, since she’s such an upstanding and contributing member of society. She’s not like those other shitbags she knows who were previously featured on Turtleboy.

Luckily some of her home girls also appeared to defend her honor.

Defamation of character!! Well, third time’s a charm at least.

With legal experts like this backing you up….

…how can you fail?

In her attempt to win me over she mentioned that machete boy Brian was previously featured on Turtleboy, and she enjoyed it. So I searched for him on the website and found this gem from 2017, entitled:

“Hoodboogers Openly Plan To Kill Lowell Cops After Woman Posts F The Police Rant On Facebook When A Local Ghetto Manatee Was Arrested For Fighting The Police.”

Here was Brian’s contribution to that blog:

Chicago Bulls. Every. Single. Time.

He’s a real gangsta, which is why he’s been arrested for such bad ass crimes as breaking and entering into parked cars.He also loves a good bromance that ends with a finger in the bunghole:

Since writing about Brian in 2017 his major accomplishments include reproducing and consuming copious amounts of Jame-O.

He still likes the Bulls.

Back then Machete Moses was bragging about knocking out Lowell cops, but after his most recent arrest someone posted videos of him snitching on his homies in order to get out of a gun arrest while live streaming on Facebook.

On the tapes you can hear him whining about having a daughter and using it as an excuse to rat out a drug dealer to the detective, who he repeatedly calls a “sah-jint.”



This fucking idiot tried to get the cops to follow him to his house so he could set up the drug dealer to get arrested.

“Come on bro, I’m street smaht bro.”

I’m not a G or anything like that, but I’m pretty sure being street smart doesn’t include snitching, no matter how many times you tell the cops you’re not being a rat. I guess it’s not snitching if you say this first:

“I don’t like the kid anyway.”

Oh OK. That settles that.

I don’t live in New Hampshire, but if I did I’d be pushing HARD to build a wall. It’s irresponsible not to if you’re that close in proximity to Haverhill, Lawrence, AND Lowell.


Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


31 Comment(s)
  • Michael Giannetti
    Mike Giannetti
    May 22, 2021 at 3:45 pm

    That not how you rat people out to the cops kid. Gotta be more secret like ya know.

  • Piss Flaps Pelosi
    May 22, 2021 at 9:34 am

    That chick is a perfect reason for filters to be illegal. She’s a 4/10 all day.

    Also, that guy can’t be more than 5 foot, no fucking way.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    May 20, 2021 at 10:35 am

    She looks like a swollen, unhealthy junkie with bad skin

  • Chris Sununu
    May 20, 2021 at 6:24 am

    At least they had the good sense to rob tax-free.

  • Kevin O
    May 19, 2021 at 9:57 pm

    Lmao I loved the help get food stamps banner, just shows his Facebook live audience lol

  • Alexander Rich-Shea
    Alexander Rich-Shea
    May 19, 2021 at 7:48 pm

    Machete dude is fucking hot! WOULD let him fuck me bareback and cum inside my ass while holding his machete to my throat. Bonus cumshots if we do it in front of the police station.

  • Professor Griff
    May 19, 2021 at 6:20 pm

    The Ghetto House of Pain, without the rhyming skills. He should get off the crack and sing a new tune like boom shellac lack boom.

  • Garcia Vega
    May 19, 2021 at 5:18 pm

    Covid made people stupider than they were before… Two complete morons.

  • Brown Eye
    May 19, 2021 at 5:06 pm

    I picked Cassy up awhile back by Jay’s, she gave top notch bbbj and licked my balls all for a double saw. Worth it to nut deep down back of her throat 🙂

  • Snitch?
    May 19, 2021 at 5:01 pm

    I don’t understand why you’re acting like snitches are bitches after you gave up the real and fake Spic Tormentors and some other commenters in court and that’s why they all left.
    The whole “I just write the blogs” disclaimer hat you wear now is a bitch move dude. You baited those guys to right those comments.
    I guess there’s just not enough room under the bus where you’re neck is concerned.

    • Spic Tormentor
      May 19, 2021 at 9:28 pm

      Unc didn’t give up anything or anyone lol. I am still right here posting, same with my legion of pathetic wannabes.

      Also, I use a VPN, so whatever IP anyone has would probably lead them to a server farm in some spic ridden shithole in South America.

    • The Dizhole
      May 20, 2021 at 12:34 am

      Spic tormentor gave himself up. He tried denying being Matt Dizio but eventually let his emotions get the best of him. He fucked up and let it out on here. Now he doesn’t care. He even gives his place of employment (Target). His picture is all over the comment section. He didn’t give himself up purposely, he’s not very bright. A while back someone posted a comment saying they were going to go to Target and smash him and his buddies. Like the genius troll he is, he responded saying no one showed up at Target, no one hit his buddy and no one went by his house under spic tormentor. He basically answered a bunch of questions only Matt Dizio would know the answers too. Then his friends threw him under the bus because they didn’t want to be involved in his racist childish behavior.
      The good thing is he finally stopped denying it and offered his employee discount at Target to the riders.

  • bigdaddy
    Charlie Baker
    May 19, 2021 at 4:52 pm

    I am glad he was wearing a mask when he robbed that place

  • juror seven esquire
    May 19, 2021 at 4:46 pm

    “Machete Moses” boy I’ll tell you that the nicknames just keep getting better and better and keeps me laughing and coming back.
    It must be great to hit on a story like this where you get to reflect back to what you were doing 4 years ago and see just how far you’ve come. If only you could somehow find a way to bottle up all that success and sell it.
    Keep up the great work Unc Worcesters #1 blogger

  • Jen Pissaki
    May 19, 2021 at 4:35 pm

    We spay and neuter dogs and cats, way overdue for humans. On a side note, Dementia Joe really wowed ‘em today at the Coast Guard Academy. Yeesh…..

  • build the WALL
    May 19, 2021 at 4:32 pm

    That last quote had me dying!!

  • Hugh G. Rection
    May 19, 2021 at 4:11 pm

    I don’t get this article. You’re badgering her about being arrested and she admits that she was arrested but it wasn’t for the robbery. It was for some outstanding warrants. So what did we accomplish here?

  • Yeah Man
    May 19, 2021 at 4:06 pm

    Oh there is nothing better than a good “edit history” on a Facebook comment!
    Unc…we need you to cover what’s happening with Matty in the Morning! Censorship at its finest.

  • I wnet to school with her
    May 19, 2021 at 3:47 pm

    She gave a mean BJ. Loved to swallow loads too. One time she sucked off me and 3 of my boys at the same time.

  • BucketNutz
    What, no sentagraphs?
    May 19, 2021 at 3:46 pm

    For exhibiting grammar skills beyond the usual 2nd grader/ghettofabulous scumbag, methinks the judge should be lenient on her.
    Get her on the live show. I bet she handles herself very well.

  • Judge Dread
    May 19, 2021 at 3:43 pm

    I once Travel From Lowell To Milford, NH too find some big juicy dicks to play with.

  • Watermelon Lips
    May 19, 2021 at 3:40 pm

    Why nothing about Ratchet Madness? Is it a secret?

    • faggot n!gger
      May 19, 2021 at 3:49 pm

      big black jeffy won in court, and had the blog removed

      • Crystal Laviolette
        Big Big Black J.
        May 19, 2021 at 4:18 pm

        Nope, the articles are still there. Try again bro.

        • faggot n!gger
          May 19, 2021 at 8:58 pm

          Im talking about the ratchet madness winner blog

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    May 19, 2021 at 3:02 pm

    That picture of the skank in the glasses and the skank in the mugshot cannot be the same person.

      May 19, 2021 at 4:29 pm

      It’s called cake up and they all wear it to hide the hideous beast underneath some do it better than others it at the end of the day when the washcloth comes out they are still hideous underneath

        May 19, 2021 at 4:36 pm

        …is Mike Ropenis.

        • MGTOW TURTLE
          May 19, 2021 at 8:59 pm

          Obsessed you are yes

      • WTF
        May 19, 2021 at 5:18 pm

        Those eyebrows? Egads….

  • Clips and Chips
    May 19, 2021 at 2:50 pm

    Aidan, I think you got not sauces on this one. cASSandra is right.

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