All-Star Criminals

Manchvegas Junkiepotamus Mom Smashes Into 7 Cars In Daytime Demolition Derby, Defends Facebook Honor, Claims She Had “Grand Mal Seizure” And Was Never Arrested

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Last week a wild Manchvegas junkiepotamus was doing what your average Manchester sewer maggot does on a weekday afternoon – driving around in an Audi all fucked up and smashing into 7 cars.

It’s not Denise Pumphret’s fault this happened though. She’s got that “disease” that’s been going around. The one that makes you put poison into your body and drive around trying to kill people.

Well, in a very bold move this grundle mollusk crawled out of her shell to defend her honor on the Manchester Information Facebook page. Turns out it wasn’t her fault, she was never charged with a crime, her blood came back clean, and she had actually had a “grand mal seizure”:

Yea guys, does this look like the kind of woman who would do HEROIN???!!

No way Jose!!

She didn’t just post once though. She posted over

And over

And over

And over

And over

And over again…..

Well then, this must be a huge mistake. And obviously this is grounds for a deformation of catcher in the rye lawsuit.

She just needed a stranger on Facebook to guide her in the right direction:

Step one – Call Attorney Richard N. Vulva.

Step two – File deformation lawsuit.

Step three – profit.

Oh, and it’s not the first time she’s had a “grand mal seizure” while driving:

“I’m out of work for a undetermined amount of time, which is fine by me.”

I’m genuinely shocked that not going to work is something a syphilis sausage queen like this would be OK with.

Who needs to work? That’s what the taxpayers are for!

Luckily for her there were many likeminded potato poons who were there to have her back:

Yea guys, didn’t you read the junkiepotamus’s posts? Her blood tests came back clean. If you can’t trust the word of a woman defending her honor on a Facebook post about her midday arrest for OUI, then who can you trust? Plus, Melody Moody is “in the medical field” so she’s an expert on topics like this:

She must’ve got her PhD in duckfaceology.

Natasha Winslow had her back too:

What are the odds that Tasha here is rocking the duckface selfie in her profile picture?

I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE that there was a 1,000% chance of that.

Apparently Denise Fartpump had a bunch of posts on her page about the 12 step program, but that totally doesn’t make her a junkbox. Even ask our girl Andrea:

Yea, lots of people who post about the 12 step program have been clean as a whistle their entire lives. Definitely.

Well, in the least surprising news ever, Manchester Information has updated the story, ad it turns out she was in fact arrested and charged for being impaired behind the wheel of her Audi:


Good luck fighting that in court hun. Make sure you wear your boat shoes with that skanktacular dress that accentuates your tattoos which look like an unfinished children’s art project:


She’s also “married” and has two children. And her chudbanger looks totally clean himself.

So she should have no problem beating this case AND winning that deformation lawsuit!

Hey girl, if you wanna come on Turtleboy Live this Saturday night hit us up on the Facebook machine. We’d love to let you share your side of the story.

23 Comment(s)
  • Natasha Winslow
    September 14, 2019 at 6:42 pm

    Wtf Anyway… from what I’ve been told, you get your license taken in MA if you have a seizure disorder but not NH. I’ve been advised not to drive until the problem is under control but even though I have had multiple seizures while driving I’ve never had my license taken. I just pull over and call for help. But I also don’t have convulsive seizures so I dunno. But the fact that I’m on here because of my duckface and my opinion is so funny to me!

  • salamander
    March 18, 2018 at 2:34 am

    shit like this irritates me. she wants to play the seizure card? ok then why the fuck did you have a seizure (if you had one at all?)? epilepsy is a chronic seizure disorder characterized by more than 2 seizures not caused by substances. i was diagnosed with epilepsy about 8 years ago, it sucks, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. i also don’t like broads like this trying to pretend like epileptics in MA don’t know youre not legal to drive unless you’ve been 6-months seizure free. mine has been medically suspended since i was 17. people pretending to have disabilities are among some of the most disgusting.

  • msheadkracker
    March 10, 2018 at 1:03 am

    The best, right under the article in the new ads, a woman completely devoted by a genetic disorder that I thought TB was saying was her! Hahahahaha. You know what they say, if it walks like duck, and looks like a duck, it’s just a seizure and she’s not messed up…

  • Yeah Right
    March 8, 2018 at 6:48 am

    You left out the part where she had a post on her Facebook page claiming that she dropped something on the floor and when she was trying to get it she hit the gas instead of the breaks. No mention of a seizure on her page, she was telling all of her friends completely different story. Check out the comments on the update of the Manchester information page and you will find exactly what she said there.

    • JJ@AOL.COM
      March 8, 2018 at 7:16 am

      So she did drop the lit Newport 100 as she nodded off! Haahaaa I fucking knew it!

    • JoeMomma
      March 8, 2018 at 11:24 am

      She must have found out you lose your license if you have a seizure while driving.

  • They call me Ponch
    March 7, 2018 at 8:46 pm

    Stuntman Mike and this broad combined have a full set of teef.they call m

  • Greg L
    March 7, 2018 at 8:36 pm

    I wonder if she had a grand mal seizure…

    March 7, 2018 at 6:09 pm

    Hi guys my name is Denise Pumphret like & like I umm like with 22 more likes in between do not do herron like with 44 more likes in between. I swairrr toooo gawd like I have never done herron like. The reason like umm like why my eyes are so pinned like in every picture is like umm because like of the flash like. With another 22 likes a couple oooo my gawdssss & a few what a sins and several umms like in between like. You don’t know me like and umm like only gawd can jud me like. 100 emojis, facks ,chicago bulls flat brim hat with the sticker still on it eggplant emojis, thug lyfe free my boiiz yo. I was like released after like being picked on by the boys in blue because I had a seizure like and my toxic o collage iiilgyee report came back negatoryileyy because I don’t do the down town dirty brown. Fackszs!!

    Now let’s be fucking serious here enough of the fucking bull shit!

    #1 You’re a straight up fucking junk box slam pig cunt skag

    #2 You didn’t have a fucking seizure

    #3 you were all hopped up on the down town dirty brown, smoking Newport 100 after Newport 100 after Newport 100.

    #4 You started to feel real good from the dirty brown and went on the nod from god, which then made you start sucking your own nasty, stretched out, disease infested, stinkorifice, you call a vaaajean. Aka the belle isle marsh in Lynn/ revere during low tide!
    That’s why you crashed.

    #5 you fucking cum dumpling, once you are arrested that’s it you are arrested.

    #6 Youre a pathetic excuse of a human!

    # 7 I don’t want to hear this fucking bullshit the cops got your tox reports back in the matter of a few hours & they just let you go with no charges.

    #8 That’s fucking moronic it takes hours upon hours to get those reports, so I call bull fucking shit on you, you dumb fucking tart!

    #9 even if they did get your so called toxicology report back that quick. Which is unlikely. You are still arrested & charged & thats fucking it, fact . None of this they let me go shit.

    # 10 When you are arrested that’s it, as stated above. the police don’t drop your charges you go to court & even then your charges will never be dropped. You might get a continuance with out finding, which i doubt at your age and the many fairs you have been too and how ugly you are, they would give you one. Cwofs are usually for very young adults who get arrested for the first time. who are actually decent humans unlike you, who made a dumb choice. So as not to ruin their adult life. By the looks of it skagbag that’s not you. Even if you take your charge to trial & you are found not guilty or the judge decides to drop the charges you will always have that charge on your record, you fucking idiot.

    The police will never drop charges and let you walk free. Thats up to the courts and even then they are not dropped unless you have a great lawyer & he asks for the charges to be dropped with prejudice. Meaning the state can’t pick the charges up again. That cost money which you obviously don’t have. By the looks of it you’re going to get a public pretender couritsy of the NH tax payers!

    Holy fucking shit why are so many people in this world so fucking dumb?

    Shoot this bitch in the head!

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      March 7, 2018 at 6:26 pm

      your own nasty, stretched out, disease infested, stinkorifice, you call a vaaajean. Aka the belle isle marsh in Lynn/ revere during low tide


      As a wise man once said, ‘Two things smell like clams, and one of them is clams!’

  • Geno
    March 7, 2018 at 5:28 pm

    And she’s the sister the trash bag they got caught blowing the trooper the other week nice family

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    March 7, 2018 at 4:42 pm

    And that Melody Moody…

    She’s sexy huh?

    Imagine waking up hungover next to that unibrow porcine grease tramp?

    I’d immediately commit suicide

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    March 7, 2018 at 4:38 pm

    Her forehead’s bigger than a fucking Klingon

    • Jojo
      March 8, 2018 at 1:15 am

      but she’s in the medical field so she knows medical stuff. even as a high school educated pharmacy tech, she knows that getting the shakes can do serious brain damage. She’s basically a doctor.

      • Hiring_Hookers_Now
        March 8, 2018 at 10:48 am

        She did not complete high school JoJO. She’s a PCA.

  • z
    March 7, 2018 at 3:17 pm

    It’s a good thing she has that black helmet to protect herself when she has her next “Gran Mal” seizure.

    I guess she’s going to have to buy a convertible for her to wear it and drive at the same time.

    Too bad it wasn’t green, we could call her the “Great Gazoo”.

  • TJB
    March 7, 2018 at 3:00 pm

    Sideshow bob.

  • Rick Shaw
    Rick Shaw
    March 7, 2018 at 2:50 pm

    The next time, I hope she runs into a freight train and dies slowly writhing in pain all twisted up in a pile of metal and leaking gasoline.

  • Chip Striker
    March 7, 2018 at 2:02 pm

    This “disease” isn’t killing them fast enough.

  • Maggie the Cat
    March 7, 2018 at 1:08 pm

    If she really had a seizure, as she claims, she may lose the right to drive. It would be funny if she thought claiming to have a seizure to avoid being charged with driving under the influence of something illegal and therefore losing her license for that.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    March 7, 2018 at 12:49 pm

    There are more miles on her odometer than on a ’73 Pinto

  • Kanacke Hasser
    March 7, 2018 at 12:44 pm

    There have been “revolutions” in the past. They’ve been ineffective. The reason why is because they’ve ushered in unclean belief systems and sentiments, such as what happened in Cuba. I’m not going to explain that. Do your own homework.

    What is afoot with the Trump presidency is serious change. It’s not that Trump has any intellectual caliber, it’s that he will be lenient with those who carry out the well-deserved punishment of subhumans who comprise the crime rate and who are on the news every night.

    You asked for it, you dared us to do something, and now we are doing something.

    We will not focus our purge on law-abiding people. We will, however, cleanse society of negative influences. It is in our rational self-interest to do so. We’ve had enough. We must do this to ensure the welfare of our progeny.

    Laws are laws for a reason, and that reason is to ensure fairness and equity for all.

    There are no threats implied with this post. This is only a declaration that deviations from reasonable conduct – swindling, prostitution, impaired vehicle operation, drug peddling, child exploitation, etc. – will be addressed outside of the periphery of the law. That administration of due punishment will be swift and fearsome, and it will come from an undetectable sector.

    This site blogs about all the transgressions that deserve what is to be administered. These wrongs are deliberate, premeditated, and patently in the first degree. They will be reciprocally be answered by the non-“rachet” public.

    We are numerous and anonymous. Think of us, on that point, as “Anonymous”, minus the pusillanimous hiding behind a keyboard. We are physical with regards to administration of what is deserved.

    We, on behalf of those who do what is right, and who do not give leniency on account of faux mental afflictions and predilections, are stating that societal amelioration has begun.

    To those concerned who do not have a reasonable grasp of English:


  • I Steal Family Guy Jokes
    March 7, 2018 at 12:27 pm

    She looks like a human cigarette.

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