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Last week a wild Manchvegas junkiepotamus was doing what your average Manchester sewer maggot does on a weekday afternoon – driving around in an Audi all fucked up and smashing into 7 cars.
It’s not Denise Pumphret’s fault this happened though. She’s got that “disease” that’s been going around. The one that makes you put poison into your body and drive around trying to kill people.
Well, in a very bold move this grundle mollusk crawled out of her shell to defend her honor on the Manchester Information Facebook page. Turns out it wasn’t her fault, she was never charged with a crime, her blood came back clean, and she had actually had a “grand mal seizure”:
Yea guys, does this look like the kind of woman who would do HEROIN???!!
No way Jose!!
She didn’t just post once though. She posted over
And over again…..
Well then, this must be a huge mistake. And obviously this is grounds for a deformation of catcher in the rye lawsuit.
She just needed a stranger on Facebook to guide her in the right direction:
Step one – Call Attorney Richard N. Vulva.
Step two – File deformation lawsuit.
Step three – profit.
Oh, and it’s not the first time she’s had a “grand mal seizure” while driving:
“I’m out of work for a undetermined amount of time, which is fine by me.”
I’m genuinely shocked that not going to work is something a syphilis sausage queen like this would be OK with.
Who needs to work? That’s what the taxpayers are for!
Luckily for her there were many likeminded potato poons who were there to have her back:
Yea guys, didn’t you read the junkiepotamus’s posts? Her blood tests came back clean. If you can’t trust the word of a woman defending her honor on a Facebook post about her midday arrest for OUI, then who can you trust? Plus, Melody Moody is “in the medical field” so she’s an expert on topics like this:
She must’ve got her PhD in duckfaceology.
Natasha Winslow had her back too:
What are the odds that Tasha here is rocking the duckface selfie in her profile picture?
I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE that there was a 1,000% chance of that.
Apparently Denise Fartpump had a bunch of posts on her page about the 12 step program, but that totally doesn’t make her a junkbox. Even ask our girl Andrea:
Yea, lots of people who post about the 12 step program have been clean as a whistle their entire lives. Definitely.
Well, in the least surprising news ever, Manchester Information has updated the story, ad it turns out she was in fact arrested and charged for being impaired behind the wheel of her Audi:
Good luck fighting that in court hun. Make sure you wear your boat shoes with that skanktacular dress that accentuates your tattoos which look like an unfinished children’s art project:
She’s also “married” and has two children. And her chudbanger looks totally clean himself.
So she should have no problem beating this case AND winning that deformation lawsuit!
Hey girl, if you wanna come on Turtleboy Live this Saturday night hit us up on the Facebook machine. We’d love to let you share your side of the story.