All-Star Criminals

Mattapan Macaroni Maggot Crashes Car While Evading Malden Cops Days After Posting That Cops Would Never Catch Him, Posts Videos Of Unrestrained Crotch Fruit In Backseat 


The Malden Police responded to a call about some chud uttering fraudulent checks, attempted to pull him over, and he decided that it would be wise to drive into a stone wall and up onto someone’s lawn.


Literally 10 days before.

In fairness, he said “good luck catching my car AFTER curfew.” Before curfew he’ll crash that shit into a wall. Ratchets don’t do well in the daylight. Plus, he couldn’t stop for the cops because he didn’t have his “I got stopped by the POLICE” crew with him.

Of course he’s already out of jail and his primary concern is the age thing.

Oh good, he reproduced.

And he cares about her a lot, which is why he records himself driving with her in the backseat unrestrained.

Great Dad. Great role model. Obviously going places in life since he’s a Harvard grad.

Tapered sweatpants ftw. Now he’s just gotta work on getting that credit score up so he won’t have to try to utter fraudulent checks.

The good news for Aaron is that this is Massachusetts, a magical land where shitty Dads can still see their crotch fruits and you don’t go to jail for larceny or leading the cops on chases that end with you crashing into stone walls.


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57 Comment(s)
  • Snitch
    April 17, 2020 at 1:11 pm

    This kid also was a huge rat. He told the cops everything about his passenger. Put that on your Facebook page kid.

  • Rid X
    April 17, 2020 at 10:19 am

    The cesspool is alive today!

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    April 17, 2020 at 9:30 am

    Pretty nice car. must not have been reported stolen yet

    • Captain Trips
      Don Henley
      April 17, 2020 at 9:46 am

      Desperation in the singles bars, all the dickheads in the fancy cars

  • Judge dread
    April 17, 2020 at 9:25 am

    What’s up with these swamp donkeys running from the cops this week? I bet soft martial law / stay at home orders are driving ratchets to up their game.

    I’m going a little stir crazy but that doesn’t mean I’m going to try to pass bad checks, taunt police on social media, get into a high speed chase, and crash into someone’s front lawn. Fuck it I’ll just play Magic the gathering online and drink whiskey.

  • The Idiot Son Chris Cuomo
    April 17, 2020 at 9:04 am

    All you losers riding around on fat tire bikes without masks get out of my face. You want a problem you got a problem I’ll throw you down these stairs. I’ll destroy you, I’m not Fredo I’m not Fredo I’m not Fredo I’m not Fredo. I’m smart I can do things I’m not Fredo. You’re a racist that’s the N word against Italians you’re a racist! (No Chris it was a movie and you’re acting just like the dumb brother in the movie. Chris, if your daddy hadn’t been the Governor of NY you would be auditioning for Jersey Shore II while part time bartending at Applebees. Chris you are a failure, even with everything that’s been handed to you.)

  • Stuttering Marty W
    April 17, 2020 at 8:10 am

    HHHHe’s JJJust miss understood. TTThat fine student of HHHHarvard

  • George
    April 17, 2020 at 6:12 am

    34 years old? – what a fucking LOSER.

    • Snarky Pete
      April 17, 2020 at 9:51 am

      He lived to be 34??? He should be commended for making it to that age…

  • A Real Comment, Not a Troll
    April 17, 2020 at 1:26 am

    Hey Unc, I know you’re not racist, but why are your comment sections just chock full of the nastiest racist stuff? I just want to hear from you why this is okay, since you are not racist. I understand you are all about freedom of speech, but it’s disturbing when the comments are full of things most people would never even think of. I think it’s about time to address this. I love your articles, but why have a completely fucked up comment section? You want to be taken seriously? Start by getting rid of those comments. I am a long time turtle rider, just fed up with that aspect of it.

    • Jamal
      April 17, 2020 at 1:35 am

      It IS what everyone is thinking, but don’t say aloud/in public. Figure it out.

    • Chris Capelle
      April 17, 2020 at 2:32 am

      Really? We shit on white trash,Hispanic, Chinese govt. officials, gay people,straight people, and midgets. Each story here is worthy of the
      perpetrator in the blog.We are equal opportunity ratchet commentators.
      Stop playing the victim.

      April 17, 2020 at 7:14 am

      I haven’t seen anything untruthful in the comment sections.

        April 17, 2020 at 7:58 am

        For example, I am a notorious pedophile.

        See, it’s good to open up!

          April 17, 2020 at 9:18 am

          And a shit eater too!

          • Andrea Grocer
            April 17, 2020 at 9:56 am

            Me too

          • Jonathan Greenblatt
            April 17, 2020 at 10:10 am

            I am a notorious pedophile that drinks the blood of white children and eats the shit of Thai transexual hookers.

          • Morris Dees
            April 17, 2020 at 10:13 am

            I raped my step daughter and sucked some guy’s dick in a hotel room while my wife watched.

            It feels so good to open up.

        • ((( LEO FRANK )))
          April 17, 2020 at 9:54 am

          Me too.

      • Muslim Men Fuck Their Sisters When The Goats Are Away
        April 17, 2020 at 9:53 am

        I see what you did there

    • DudeRanchStripClub
      April 17, 2020 at 8:52 am

      In what fucking world is a comment section taken seriously? The comments are the best part of 30% of these articles (I still want my Landon Steele dossier completed), ya cunt.

      • Sick of snowflake losers
        April 17, 2020 at 9:37 am

        I concur, the comment section is the best part of most of the stories. People who don’t like the comments are snowflake faggots. Shutting the comments down wouldn’t get anyone else to view this blog, it would only turn off those who enjoy the comments. The vast, and I mean almost all of the people who don’t like the comments don’t like the content of the blogs either.

        This is how things were before the PC police took everything over and only allow shit to be talked about white people. This is an equal opportunity arena, everyone gets shit on. Fuck I’m white and I posted about bulldozing a bunch of white losers off a cliff yesterday. Anyone who doesn’t like the comments should go suck a dick and shut the fuck up.

    • Karen Maddow Whitmer
      April 17, 2020 at 10:35 am

      Thank you for your courage in saying what we were all thinking. Thank you for your bravery in standing up to the NAZIS and KKK in this terrible time of crisis. We are in crisis people!

      Now is the time for censorship not just on turtle boy but everywhere. I have read many reports in the Times, Wa Post and CNN about how the white supremacist are using this crisis to attack communities of color and more importantly how trump has turned his back on American poc.

      I to read turtle boy sports and am a long time rider and the disappointment when I read these hurtful comments is so visceral. I love all people and I care sooo much, turtle boy please please respond to our desperate pleas in this time of crisis. We beg you turtle boy, please censor these nazis and klansmen. They probably all have swastikas on their homes and pickup trucks and tattoos of the klan. They are bad and people like me and the Real Commenter are good so censor them. Follow in the foot steps of great leaders like Governor Gretchen Hapsburg Whitmer of Michigan and the courageous Senator Elizabeth Warren and Madam Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton and censor them. Censorship is the answer, I have to put on my gloves mask and face shield and get to the wine and cheese shop this greasy little blog better be censored by the time I get home and girls show up for our chardonnay Friday.

        April 17, 2020 at 1:19 pm

        Hey Karen go eat a dindu dick and die from AIDS. Those naggers you virtue signal for would gang rape you to death if you crossed paths at night in da hood.

  • Silencio Dogood
    April 16, 2020 at 11:07 pm

    years of this shit pile on and the tipping point seems long overdue, where Marcus Garvey Jr. would rise from the grave to take his “uncouth and vulgar” people back to Africa and the magical land of Liberia. there, he could wear his Admiral’s costume and play civilized.

    • John Henry's Inner Voice
      April 17, 2020 at 9:56 am

      When will Bob Kraft donate his team plane to ship these MFers back to Africa???

  • Nikko Jenkins
    April 16, 2020 at 10:40 pm

    Out there earning those Google Trophies!!

  • Jane Goodall
    April 16, 2020 at 10:34 pm

    What a exquisite Silverback!!

  • He deserves a new car
    April 16, 2020 at 10:23 pm

    That was a nice car, before he totaled it. Anyone have a guess on what year it is/was?

  • One douche to another
    April 16, 2020 at 9:56 pm

    Just another nig nog doing what nig nogs do. U can take the nig nog out of Mattarpan but u can’t take the Mattarpan out of the nagga.
    Remember it’s people that annoy u Pat I like too solve the puzzle nuggets. Nope sorry Naggers

  • Village Elder
    April 16, 2020 at 9:45 pm

    Hope the cops gave him a nice tune up.

  • Simcos by the bridge
    April 16, 2020 at 9:04 pm

    If Mattapan had a face.

    • Connie Swail
      April 16, 2020 at 9:54 pm

      I’d like a hot dog and an orange freeze, muthafucka

  • Jack Mehoff
    Jack Mehoff
    April 16, 2020 at 8:31 pm

    No doubt in my mind that this is someone else’s car or a rental. He would not be crashing his own car unless it was on the verge of being repossessed. What a piece of shit. Too bad that he didn’t get out of the car with a weapon in hand so the cops could have made him look like Swiss cheese.

  • Terrell Suggs
    April 16, 2020 at 8:25 pm

    If Barry had a son……

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 16, 2020 at 8:11 pm

    Lucky that wasn’t my front lawn Aaron. You’re sorry ass would have been buried under it before the cops even showed up

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      April 16, 2020 at 8:13 pm

      Police: “Where’s the driver?”

      Me: “No idea. I think I saw him running that way.”

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 16, 2020 at 8:08 pm

    Mattapan? I never would have guessed….

  • Hate Dindus
    April 16, 2020 at 7:38 pm

    Legalize slavery.

    • Hate Dindus
      April 16, 2020 at 8:24 pm

      And legalize prostitution so my mom can get a stimulus check

      • nate higgers power shitposter
        April 16, 2020 at 9:58 pm

        That makes no sense you fucking pickle smoocher, now get the fuck outta here boy

        • Mattapan Strong
          April 16, 2020 at 10:20 pm

          Your mama sucks my big black cock and balls, that should make some sense to you white boy.

  • Captain Trips
    Say No to Nogs
    April 16, 2020 at 7:37 pm

    If it weren’t for non blacks the wheel would not have been invented yet. They are having a tough time with the concept.

  • they related?
    April 16, 2020 at 7:05 pm

  • chimps in the fb zoo
    April 16, 2020 at 7:03 pm

    nogz stone age people playing wiff technology

  • Funny every time
    April 16, 2020 at 7:02 pm

    Crotch fruit!
    Several times in one post. You sir win the internet today.

  • Lung fish
    April 16, 2020 at 6:26 pm

    And if you do go to jail, they be letting ya’ll out cuz of da coronado virus.

    April 16, 2020 at 6:13 pm

    Sparkling wiggles gonna sparkle

    • Leroy Goldstein
      April 16, 2020 at 8:09 pm

      Yeah, but we love your mama boy!

  • Substitute Teacher
    April 16, 2020 at 6:00 pm

    You done messed up Ay-Ayron!!!!

  • Boston Irish
    April 16, 2020 at 5:58 pm

    Stupid nig

  • whatevuh
    April 16, 2020 at 5:39 pm

    Just guessing but I don’t think his insurance company is gonna pay for that damage . . .

    • The General
      April 17, 2020 at 9:59 am

      You’re darn tootin’. I’m too fucking stoned from riding around with Calvin

  • Mike Oxlong
    April 16, 2020 at 5:30 pm

    How’s a damn spear chucker driving a friggin Maxima?? Thinkin the cops probably woulda noted if it were stolen? Oh wait, Harvard. Another one of them Mattapan hedge fund managers. Sorry my bad.

  • hartf811
    Dis’ houz
    April 16, 2020 at 5:13 pm

    Higger from Haasavad? Black studies, a mop or he stole the sweatshirt at the bookstore.

  • John Harvard
    April 16, 2020 at 5:04 pm

    Harvard! Harvard! Rah! Rah! Rah!

  • Urkel!
    April 16, 2020 at 4:53 pm

    Welcome back!

    “Did I do that?”

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