Meet Brian “Bunnzy” Pike: New Bedford Caboose Connoisseur/Food Stamp Salesman Who Trolls TB Because We Roasted His Skinner Friend
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It’s no secret that Turtleboy Sports has haters. Take a trip to the Community Page or any comment thread and you will inevitably come across someone voicing their distaste for the Blog. It’s the nature of the beast, and we understand that we can’t please all the people all the time. However, every now and then we come across a lowlife of epic proportions in the comments that deserves their own blog.
That said, meet Brian “Bunnzy” Pike.
AKA Brian Peters.
AKA Brian Peters-Pike.
Before scrolling into his timeline, Bunnzy displays his ratchet mission statement:
Like a side-view mirror or a wide load, Brian advises you to be cautious.
We first had the pleasure of meeting meeting Mooby Dick in July, when he made this post on the Community Page:
Brian seems like he was the type of elementary school student that made good teachers start Irishing up their coffees.
Like most of the other regular commenters, I assumed this Salad Dodger had a friend that got a Turtleboy Makeover. Turns out we were right.
For those of you that need a Ratchet Recap, Riston “Mass Deztruction” Borges was in the hot seat in March after he threatened to have Turtleboy “Merked” for our story on the Foodstampotamus:
He had an immediate follow-up once he was outed as a skinner:
I’m sure Riston doesn’t see the hypocrisy in criticizing Turtleboy for “disrespectin’ women”. Last time I checked, the way we treat women doesn’t result in a court order that makes us introduce ourselves to the whole neighborhood.
Needless to say, I was excited to see what kind of fella would associate with someone of Riston’s ilk, and dove into Brian’s many profiles. His accounts showed all of the familiar symptoms of someone suffering from Ratchetosis.
Jazz smoking selfies:
And keeping it real:
Do you think it’s as hard for Bunnzy to write these posts, as it is for us to read them?
Whaction Bronson is also a Caboose Connoisseur. All of his profiles follow dozens of groups and pages dedicated to sharing pictures of juicy BadonkaDonks:
He’ll even screen-grab an ass-shot from one page and pass it off as his “shorty” in another:
After his initial post on the Community Page, Entree 3000 would show up every few weeks in the comment sections. For the most part he would just voice his hatred for Turtleboy Sports, and never respond to the verbal thrashing he got from Turtle Riders.
Thanks to an incomplete pack of Hooked On Phonics flashcards he stole from a yard sale, Bunnzy the Buffet Slayer was eventually able to understand some of the words in the blogs. This gave him the confidence of a young Marlon Brando and he started to comment on specific details of the stories.
Like the time he called us an idiot because his friend Jose Santiago, who we dubbed “Pill Cosby”, doesn’t go by “Phil Cosby”.
Or when he gave us a a crash course on bike life:
Bunnzy probably doesn’t have a valid driver’s license, and he definitely doesn’t own a vehicle. But that doesn’t stop him from reppin’ the Bike Life. He still likes to dress the part:
Despite following the page, Brian “Bunnzy” Peters-Pike was not a fan of the Turtle. So then why did he reach out to us a couple of weeks ago to pitch a story?
From what I could gather, Brian had shared photos on his page of someone named Nick Miller wearing an inflatable bum and posing like a human sex doll. Nick then reached out to Brian months later offering to pay him to take the post down. That’s the whole story in 2 sentences. Thanks for the scoop Cake Magnet! I’ll be sure to give you a shout out during my Pulitzer acceptance speech.
Brian Peters-Pike of New Bedford has spent years crafting his online persona. Everything he posts or says in comments is designed to make you think that he’s a tough guy that’ll take care of business. So when the news station formerly known as Fox 25 showed up at the Porch Walrus’ door to ask him why he was offering to sell his food stamps, Bunnzy showed everyone watching just how hard he was. Skip to the 35 second mark and witness it for yourselves:
Lol. What a coward! All of that talk, and Fox fucking 25 made you clam up? The best part about the video is his nervous smile. The only thing he could puke out of his fat mouth when confronted with screenshots of his posts was:
As if somewhere else on earth there’s a bloated, weak-chinned Chud that thinks Bunnzy is a hard nickname.
I picked up where Fox25 left off and did some digging. It took some time, and in had to do some things that I’m not proud of, but I was able to get my hands on some of the stamps Tunnzy was selling:
I’m sure this won’t be the last we’ll hear from Bunnzy. He won’t be embarrased by this blog and fade into obscurity. He’ll show up in the comments and continue his tough guy act. But at least now our readers will know the truth: Brian is clown shoes. He has absolutely no purpose on Turtleboy other then making us laugh.
As the Turtle gains more Riders, it will also gain more haters. Our opponents like to make generalizations about the blog, and anyone associated with it. We know that Turtle Riders are some of the best people in our communities. You’re hard working, law abiding, fun loving, and sexy as all get-out. From now on we’re going to treat our haters the same way they treat us. If you’re not with us, you’re against us. And if you’re against us, then you’re cut from the same cloth as Bunnzy. Fat, stupid, lazy, unfuckable dregs of society. So before you jump on the Bitter Bus and start bashering Turtleboy, remember that you will be associated with Knobs like this:
So here’s to you Brian “Bunnzy” Peters-Pike! You finally got your own blog.