All-Star Criminals

Millbury Mom Posts About Killing Thief Who Stole All Her Kid’s Stuff From Garage, Turns Out It Was Her One Armed Bandit Husband And They’re Both Defending Their Honor On Oxford PD Facebook Page

Millbury Mom Posts About Killing Thief Who Stole All Her Kid’s Stuff From Garage, Turns Out It Was Her One Armed Bandit Husband And They’re Both Defending Their Honor On Oxford PD Facebook Page

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A few days ago a local woman from Millbury named Tianna Mellen posted about some dingleberry breaking into her shed and stealing her kid’s shit:

Wow!! Once she finds out who the chudmuffin is she’s gonna tear their balls off!!

Turns out it was her husband….



The most offensive part about that post was her misuse of spoiler alert. “Learn your facts” isn’t a spoiler alert. You’re just repeating the witty comment from the guy who just roasted you.

Hey, here’s an idea – if you’re gonna break into people’s places and steal shit to “provide for your family,” make sure you have two arms:

Oh snap!! It’s the guy who killed Dr. Richard Kimball’s wife!!

She should’ve realized she was lying down with a winner the second she saw this:

A cookies and cream flat brimmed hat and a “she’s 16 but she’s gonna be 17 in October” chinstrap. If you allow someone like this to put their womb broom inside your baby cannon, there’s gonna be a lot of losing Keno tickets in your future.

Anyway, it’s totally not his fault for breaking into these places because he has to take care of his three kids. He’s the only guy in America facing this predicament.

Gotta love the “he willingly gave everything back” thing. As if this was some noble gesture. Umm….he got caught red handed with a bunch of stolen shit. It wasn’t “given back,” the cops confiscated it. He didn’t have an epiphany and realize that stealing was morally wrong.

It’s all good though, because he had no choice. It’s not his fault his license was suspended. Lots of normal people routinely get arrested for driving with a suspended license.


The best part is that she still doesn’t realize that he took all the kid’s shit:

“we have lost everything, as Well as someone else stealing thousands of dollars of our own things and our children’s things”

I don’t have the heart to tell her that he probably pawned everything and spent all the money on a big bag of weed.

You’d think that after a humiliating set of Facebook posts the last thing Tianna and Kris would wanna do is continue to post on Facebook. But just like Marv and Harry in Kevin McCallister’s house, they were thirsty for more!!

Yup, he had to steal from other people because his Dad doesn’t pay for everything. Every other 26 year old father of three has their Daddy pay their bills.

According to Kris he never gets in trouble:

Yea, because stealing all your kid’s shit is the best way to show them how much you love them. And he’s right – he’s been out of trouble for the last 8 years. Hardly ever does anything wrong.


Kris also wanted to make it clear that the Oxford Police should not be congratulated for apprehending him.

Except the police report specifically says that they didn’t voluntarily return anything. He was caught in the act.

Stupid facts!!

Kris did wanna make it clear though – he wasn’t the one who broke into your car:

No big deal everyone. He returned it all. It’s not even a crime anymore. High five!!



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15 Comment(s)
  • LOL
    August 31, 2017 at 7:00 pm

    I like how she calls herself a stay at home mom of 3, like she’s on Real Housewives of Millbury. Lets see, so you get welfare, food stamps, section 8, SSI because either you or one of your 3 kids is “disabled” in some way. Bonus SSI cash if you AND one of your kids qualify. And side note, this mofo is pretty god damn busy for missing a limb! She thinks it sounds so admirable that she’s gonna stick by him…girl where you going! 3 kids and a druggie one arm baby daddy. Aint no one buying to tickets to that circus honey.

  • P. Ennis
    August 31, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    She’s smoking! Must be K. Parker Syndrome (Acrotomophilia). Flat brim hat = douche!

  • Get a Job
    August 31, 2017 at 11:49 am

    I love the reasoning. He’s got all this time to go out and rob people who worked hard to buy the things he stole but doesn’t have time to go out and find another job ? And if your struggling for money, I don’t think being a stay at home mom is really an option anymore. He literally said ” I had no idea what else to do “. Get a fucking job you idiot! And I also loved that he said he turned himself in like some noble prick but it clearly states he was arrested while robbing another house. These 2 morons are a perfect example of why I think you should have to pass certain requirements before having children.

  • Member When Barstool used to do blogs like this?
    August 31, 2017 at 11:33 am

    The person that wrote “Mellen Head” on his FB comments wins. that was sneakily the funniest comment on there.

  • Lou P
    August 31, 2017 at 10:00 am

    Both of these parents are a shining example of the biggest problem with today’s civilization in the US : STUPID people. Dumb, stupid as shit people …. who expect society to give to them so they can get by.

  • Not-Him
    August 31, 2017 at 9:55 am

    Am I the only one thinking “Coyote Ugly”?

  • Annoyed
    August 31, 2017 at 8:33 am

    What a jackass! Sure just steal tools from hardworking people, I am sure they work for the fun of it. Not like they bust their ass to support themselves and their family with those tools!

    Also, I call bullshit! Dude has a clear “disability”, and if they have 3 kids they get aid from somewhere for something. Too bad, so sad… the kids want to do girl scouts and extras, sounds like the bitch needs a job!

  • doofus
    August 31, 2017 at 8:10 am

    This kid was always a tool. used to stick his dirty nub in everyones face

  • Gina
    August 31, 2017 at 7:17 am

    Uhm…. am I the only one who is wondering how the heck you handcuffed a guy with only one hand? The handcuffs are going to slide right off that Stumpy arm of his aren’t they?

  • They call me Ponch
    August 31, 2017 at 5:04 am

    I got a great idea.

    Rather than two loads sitting around being a “stay at home”, why doesn’t the other get a J O B ?

  • Steven Stover
    August 31, 2017 at 4:34 am

    Hopefully for the kids sake he does some time so he can get off the shit. I don’t feel sorry for this asshole. I only feel sorry for those that care about him.

    • anonymous
      August 31, 2017 at 8:42 am

      I have seen him hit her daughter which Isn’t his, they both scream at the children all day.. they do percs and are terrible to those kids but they play off they are great people smh it’s disgusting the way they treat them

  • Truth-Seeker
    August 31, 2017 at 3:30 am

    26? More like mid-30’s. Guaranteed he needs drug money.

  • SpliffyTiffy
    August 30, 2017 at 10:53 pm

    Hey now…nobody pawns their kids’ stuff for a bag of weed.
    I’m sure it was all cocaine, prescription pills and shaving cream.

  • August 30, 2017 at 10:17 pm

    This slapnut is only sorry he got caught.

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