You’ve heard “don’t poke the Turtle” a million times. I should add “don’t try to use the Turtle for ghetto trash vendettas because you’re a pill-popping loser who fights with everyone” as well.

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The other writers and I are always talking about blogging all the crazy messages we get. People messaging us complaining about their husbands that left them, shit that is basically in illegible hood rat, and the occasional wild goose chase. We realize it’s part of the job and we don’t really blow up the spot of decent people trying to send us stupid stories.

However, if you think that you’re going to use us as ghetto revenge, when you’re the one we should be blogging about, you’ve got a big lesson coming your way. Don’t try and pull one over on us. We are smarter than anyone who will try. We’ve also been at this a long while. We have instincts like a pack of crazy-eyed cheetahs and we will get back at you for lying to us. This is what happens to you when you try to fool us.

Jennifer Marie Dedeus, a New Bedford loud-mouth Xanax goblin, is going to be the one learning that lesson today.

Jennifer must have discovered Turtleboy around the time the New Bedford Foodstampopotamai invaded your screens.

She must have thought “wow, these people are total morons and will post anything!” Then again, the ratchet brain doesn’t work like the rest of those is us in normal society. She hasn’t been around long enough to know that we actually investigate all of the claims that come through our inbox. We don’t just roll with whatever people tell us.

Jennifer, who looks like a complete crack whore, spun this fabulous yarn of a story about how her former friend Samantha Davignon, who is a DCF worker, was a Xanax addict. She seemed to know an awful lot about this girl and strangely had a newfound concern for the children under DCF care.

Grand Canyon University? You’re going to need a hole that big to fill with all the bullshit that’s going to come from this blog!

Jennifer’s criminal boyfriend, Bobby Nicodemisen, became angry when Samantha began badgering Jennifer for pills.

Bobby sent Samantha a nasty message telling her to stop. He even threatened to contact her place of business (DCF) with all of the screenshots of her trying to score her some pills.

I guess Samantha didn’t like that. She, like so many ratchets before her, began to wig out and did the whole “meet me ousside” thing.

When Bobby and Jennifer didn’t oblige Samantha in a game of fisticuffs, she allegedly went to pick up some muscle in neighboring Fairhaven, and went to find Bobby and Jennifer. The dude she picked up was Stewart Hunt. I’m starting to think we should just station Turtleriders outside all of these “clinics” because the most delightful drama happens at this congregating spot for junkies!

Samantha then allegedly pulled across two lanes of traffic and pulled a gun on the two of them.

Jennifer also claimed that Samantha let her now deceased boyfriend OD. You would think she would call the cops shot such an allegation. Nah, revenge is more important.

Yeah, she doesn’t sell them. Bobby does though!

I guess Bobby missed the whole part where Jennifer and Samantha spent a good deal of time talking about running out of pills and how to get them. Or even discussing not being able to work because she’s a Xan head. Seems like Bobby could have hooked them up.

Now, can someone please explain to me what the recreational use is for Xanax if not to make your high on heroin better? I’ve taken like four in my life to fight off panic attacks. Shit just makes me nap. What is the fun in that? This obviously is all on the up and up!

Now, all of this was great material for a blog, but something wasn’t sitting right with me. Jennifer was way too pushy with wanting this story done. Her motives were sketchy as fuck. She also decided to send me the police report. By police report I mean the same page saying Bobby was the one who got arrested for pulling a baton out on Sam and Stewy.  Jennifer also kept saying the same thing over and over again. Each time she would type a little more would come out.

I opted to just drop it and go about my day. Jennifer didn’t like being ignored and demanded to know where “her” story was.

I thought that was the end of it.

Then, we started getting messages saying some girl was posting a GoFundMe all over the local pages. It’s hard to forget someone who annoyed the fuck out of you for a week so I found myself smiling like Grinch gazing down upon Whoville.

Legit me.

Seems Jennifer needed to crowdfund $2k for tattoos. Yep. You heard me right. Tattoos to cover up her “self-harm” scars. The request came with this long, winding story, about being sexually assaulted by a bunch of dudes. She said she needed the tats, to cover her cutting, because she can’t take the kids to the beach. Doesn’t this goblin know about a coverall? Shit, go on down to Savers! You can get one for $5! Nah, shes shared the damn thing 108 times because priorities.
However, that was quite a tale!  Who knows if it’s true or not. Sorry if it is. It doesn’t mean you have to beg for strangers for fucking tats. Plus, it’s weird that she has the money for make up, a diamond ring for her fake Facebook marriage, and a dog!

No sooner did I put Jennifer’s GFM on the agenda to blog about – this came in.

“Split me limo” sounds like something the Lucky Charm Leprechaun would scream if he was in a gang fight with Biggie.

Sweet cig behind the ear and herpes on the lip!

Seems Jennifer had a run in with her neighbors and she wanted to get the word out that the New Bedford police were “Rasist.” The neighbor, who of course works as a daycare assistant, didn’t like that Jennifer was being, well, Jennifer. The neighbor’s man popped her in the face.
She went off on a tear for the New Bedford Guide and the police department while her upstanding friends decided the cop needed to have his ass kicked and then go after the cop’s wife! So classy!

Now, of course, Jennifer is always getting in to shit with people and crying for attention:

I get mad when Mr. Turtlegirl bangs crack whores too! I feel you, girl!

She tried to make us make this girl look stupid…  Boy, did that blow up.

Clearly we are dealing with the creme de la creme of upstanding humanity.
Jennifer will even go as far as she needs to get back at people who piss her off! It’s just a damn shame she tried to use us for some weaponized ratchetness!

So, let this be a warning to all of you who think that you can lie to us to shame your drug buddies that pissed you off. If you try to fuck with the turtles-  we are going to fuck with you 600 times harder for wasting our god damn time.

Kisses, bitch.

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