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Couldn’t stop laughing at this story from Masslive:

A Florence man was arrested Sunday morning after allegedly breaking into two cars on Perkins Avenue, according to the Northampton Police Department. When police arrived on scene at around 5:35 a.m. after receiving reports of a suspicious man who was “highly intoxicated” and knocking on residents’ doors, officers found 25-year-old Nicholas Kelley — whose pants were reportedly smeared with “fresh feces” — inside a Jeep parked along the street.

Well that’s a pretty shitty call to have to go on. But hey, shit happens. Maybe he was knocking on people’s doors because he had to take a huge smash. Ever think of that? 

Northampton Police Capt. John Cartledge said Kelley broke into the Jeep and a Nissan Altima, from which he allegedly stole a Monster audio cable. Police found the audio cord on Kelley during a search, Cartledge said.

Wait, wait, wait. So this guy’s goal that night was to break into cars and steal shit? OK. So…….why was he covered in shit? 

Kelley told officers he thought he was in Amherst, Cartledge said.

Oh, well why didn’t you just say so? Because breaking into cars while covered in human feces is perfectly normal in Amherst, especially once the Blarney Blowout comes around. In his defense Bernie Sanders was speaking in Amherst today. And 90% of Bernie supporters are 25 year old’s from Northampton who think they are entitled to other people’s things, and may or may not be covered in human feces. 

Police said they found a muddy footprint on the driver’s side window of the Jeep. The Altima’s windshield had a similar footprint on it, with spiderweb cracks surrounding the shape. There were also fresh scratches on the car’s hood, Cartledge said. Officers described an “overwhelming smell of feces” in the vehicles.

I’d be so pissed. It’s bad enough when someone breaks into your car, but dragging your bowel movements into the car in the process? That’s just a low move man. 

Anyway, hopefully Nicholas Kelley learned his lesson. Fat, drunk, and covered in your own shit is no way to go through life son. 

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