All-Star Criminals

Northampton Cops Find Drunk Guy Covered In His Own Poop Breaking Into Cars While Looking For Bernie

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Couldn’t stop laughing at this story from Masslive:

A Florence man was arrested Sunday morning after allegedly breaking into two cars on Perkins Avenue, according to the Northampton Police Department. When police arrived on scene at around 5:35 a.m. after receiving reports of a suspicious man who was “highly intoxicated” and knocking on residents’ doors, officers found 25-year-old Nicholas Kelley — whose pants were reportedly smeared with “fresh feces” — inside a Jeep parked along the street.

Well that’s a pretty shitty call to have to go on. But hey, shit happens. Maybe he was knocking on people’s doors because he had to take a huge smash. Ever think of that? 

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Northampton Police Capt. John Cartledge said Kelley broke into the Jeep and a Nissan Altima, from which he allegedly stole a Monster audio cable. Police found the audio cord on Kelley during a search, Cartledge said.

Wait, wait, wait. So this guy’s goal that night was to break into cars and steal shit? OK. So…….why was he covered in shit? 

Kelley told officers he thought he was in Amherst, Cartledge said.

Oh, well why didn’t you just say so? Because breaking into cars while covered in human feces is perfectly normal in Amherst, especially once the Blarney Blowout comes around. In his defense Bernie Sanders was speaking in Amherst today. And 90% of Bernie supporters are 25 year old’s from Northampton who think they are entitled to other people’s things, and may or may not be covered in human feces. 

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Police said they found a muddy footprint on the driver’s side window of the Jeep. The Altima’s windshield had a similar footprint on it, with spiderweb cracks surrounding the shape. There were also fresh scratches on the car’s hood, Cartledge said. Officers described an “overwhelming smell of feces” in the vehicles.

I’d be so pissed. It’s bad enough when someone breaks into your car, but dragging your bowel movements into the car in the process? That’s just a low move man. 

Anyway, hopefully Nicholas Kelley learned his lesson. Fat, drunk, and covered in your own shit is no way to go through life son. 

 

 

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5 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    February 23, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    He broke into a car and stole a Monster cable? What a dumb ass. He could have stolen a cheaper cable and gotten the same audio quality. Those Monster cables are a huge scam.

  • Reddog
    February 23, 2016 at 10:44 am

    He was probably an employee of college pizza and was just running a little late for work

  • Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo
    February 23, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Is this any way to treat my friends. Smeared all over some useless hippie? Gives us poo a bad name.

  • BobnMic
    February 23, 2016 at 1:09 am

    Holy shit! But then again who gives a shit? First time ever reading a shitty story that was funny! What a shithead this kid is. Can you believe this shit?

    “Police found the audio cord on Kelley during a search, Cartledge said.”

    See now that’s the part when I quit my job as a Cop. I know that sounds shitty. Just sayin…

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    February 22, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    Just another fabulously normal day in the land of hippies…

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