All-Star Criminals

Northampton Cops Find Drunk Guy Covered In His Own Poop Breaking Into Cars While Looking For Bernie

Your attention please – the Turtleboy Sports Facebook page has been suspended until Tuesday, March 22. In order to follow the blogs you MUST  like the Free Turtleboy Facebook page, which we use to post blogs whenever the Turtleboy Sports Facebook account is arbitrarily suspended. If we ever get shut down for good, this will become the new Turtleboy Sports main Facebook page.

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible: Liberty Tax Preparation, Greenwood StreetMassachusetts Tattoo FestivalWormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Bennie’s Cafe, Craftech Restoration, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Attorney Michael Erlich, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, Solarreviews.net, The Gun Parlor Range, Attorney Anthony Salerno, Monster Movers, Firesafe Chimney Services

Click on the image to view all products in the Turtleboy Store.

Click on the image to view all products in the Turtleboy Store.

Want to have your business advert viewed over 1 million times per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

 

 

 

Couldn’t stop laughing at this story from Masslive:

A Florence man was arrested Sunday morning after allegedly breaking into two cars on Perkins Avenue, according to the Northampton Police Department. When police arrived on scene at around 5:35 a.m. after receiving reports of a suspicious man who was “highly intoxicated” and knocking on residents’ doors, officers found 25-year-old Nicholas Kelley — whose pants were reportedly smeared with “fresh feces” — inside a Jeep parked along the street.

Well that’s a pretty shitty call to have to go on. But hey, shit happens. Maybe he was knocking on people’s doors because he had to take a huge smash. Ever think of that? 

images (6)

Northampton Police Capt. John Cartledge said Kelley broke into the Jeep and a Nissan Altima, from which he allegedly stole a Monster audio cable. Police found the audio cord on Kelley during a search, Cartledge said.

Wait, wait, wait. So this guy’s goal that night was to break into cars and steal shit? OK. So…….why was he covered in shit? 

Kelley told officers he thought he was in Amherst, Cartledge said.

Oh, well why didn’t you just say so? Because breaking into cars while covered in human feces is perfectly normal in Amherst, especially once the Blarney Blowout comes around. In his defense Bernie Sanders was speaking in Amherst today. And 90% of Bernie supporters are 25 year old’s from Northampton who think they are entitled to other people’s things, and may or may not be covered in human feces. 

r3fvv

Police said they found a muddy footprint on the driver’s side window of the Jeep. The Altima’s windshield had a similar footprint on it, with spiderweb cracks surrounding the shape. There were also fresh scratches on the car’s hood, Cartledge said. Officers described an “overwhelming smell of feces” in the vehicles.

I’d be so pissed. It’s bad enough when someone breaks into your car, but dragging your bowel movements into the car in the process? That’s just a low move man. 

Anyway, hopefully Nicholas Kelley learned his lesson. Fat, drunk, and covered in your own shit is no way to go through life son. 

 

 

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

unnamed-19

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

Tattoos Massachusetts

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 4.54.34 PM

unnamed (1)

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.10.28 AM

Screen Shot 2015-11-11 at 10.29.52 AM

Screen Shot 2016-02-11 at 9.05.25 AM

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

unnamed-7

Want to have your business advert viewed over 1 million times per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

 

 

5 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    February 23, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    He broke into a car and stole a Monster cable? What a dumb ass. He could have stolen a cheaper cable and gotten the same audio quality. Those Monster cables are a huge scam.

  • Reddog
    February 23, 2016 at 10:44 am

    He was probably an employee of college pizza and was just running a little late for work

  • Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo
    February 23, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Is this any way to treat my friends. Smeared all over some useless hippie? Gives us poo a bad name.

  • BobnMic
    February 23, 2016 at 1:09 am

    Holy shit! But then again who gives a shit? First time ever reading a shitty story that was funny! What a shithead this kid is. Can you believe this shit?

    “Police found the audio cord on Kelley during a search, Cartledge said.”

    See now that’s the part when I quit my job as a Cop. I know that sounds shitty. Just sayin…

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    February 22, 2016 at 10:38 pm

    Just another fabulously normal day in the land of hippies…

Leave a Reply to Devils Mouthpiece Cancel reply

*

RELATED POSTS
White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?