All-Star Criminals

Northbridge Gets Invaded By Perfect Storm Of Ratchetet Juiceboxes From Webster, Southbridge, And Worcester

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Here’s a fun arrest report out of Northbridge:


This is what happens when ratchets learn how to drive. These three grundle nuggets breaking into cars in Northbridge (and breaking into people’s sheds) are from Webster, Southbridge, and Worcester. It’s the perfect storm of dooshnozzelry. Naturally they all descend upon Northbridge, a town where people move to in order to get away from trashbags in Worcester, Southbridge, and Webduh.

And these three cretins are everything you dreamed they would be and more. This is Gavin Barszcz:

As you can see, this ambidextrous cockmuffin possesses the rare ability to fondle both the layer of foreskin he refers to as a penis, and the collection of pubes he refers to as a goatee, at the same time.

You’ll never guess who his favorite basketball team is…..

I was gonna guess the Minnesota Timberwolves. Flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat with the sticker still on it? First time I’ve ever seen anyone rocking that on Turtleboy Sports!!

Don’t worry though, baby momma is gonna be holding it down while he gets a CWOF from another Deval Patrick appointed judge:

“I will support you on any decision you are in.”

Oh yea, she’s a great mom. When he decides to rob a bank or molest a goat, she’ll support this too I suppose. Nothing like teaching your children that supporting Daddy’s criminal behavior is OK because you just can’t resist the sweet sensation that his weapon of ass destruction provides you with.

Funny, because just a few days ago cockmuffin was lamenting his financial struggles, whining about mofos not helping him out, and telling all the haters that he was gonna prove them wrong:

Which apparently means,

“I’m gonna steal a bunch of iPods in Northbridge and sell them for crack money. N word what?”

Then there’s the other half of the ambiguously gay southern Worcester County duo, Dustin Fontaine. The two of them seem to have become besties over their mutual fandom of everyone’s favorite sportball squad:

 

And as you can see from the mildew and feces adorning the bathroom wall and mirrors, things are obviously going great for Crusty Dusty.

Felicia Hickey was the getaway driver, who gave new meaning to “Bye Felicia” when she ditched her two chudstuffers, only to get pulled over blocks away and was busted for driving without a license. It’s OK though, because poor Felicia Fapbasket may or may not have the “disease” that makes you rob people in order to finance your “disease”:

She’s obviously come along way from her ol’ days working at Hooter’s.

Oh, and she reproduced of course. In high school.

Because obviously decision making is one of her strengths.

Let’s see what kind of thins she likes on Facebook…

Well, that’s awkward. Number one rule of being a turtle rider – don’t end up on Turtleboy!! It’s simple really – don’t get arrested for doing stupid shit or associate with anyone who owns a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat.

I know a lot of people want us to build a wall with Mexico, but wouldn’t it really be more feasible to build walls around Southbridge, Webster, and Worcester?

(Insert witty turtle pun here.)
35 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    May 15, 2018 at 10:43 am

    Admittedly, I’d hit it. But I’d wrap my rascal and give her a fake name and number so she can’t find me and beg for drug money. And I’d probably have a rough time washing her stank off of me.

  • justsayno
    May 10, 2018 at 10:29 pm

    Why is it in these types of stories, while the females always look MUCH older than they are, but the males look younger than they actually are?

  • Bill Clinton
    May 10, 2018 at 12:24 pm

    I’d definitely love to listen to the sound of my semen sloshing around inside Felicity’s lower intestine.

  • Frank
    May 9, 2018 at 9:31 pm

    The girl looks like Willem Defoe

    • Finn
      May 11, 2018 at 6:44 pm

      More like Steve Buscemi in drag. Just my opinion.

  • Chip Striker
    May 9, 2018 at 8:19 pm

    Great job raising her Dad, you clearly did right by her you fucking retard!

    Pregnant in High School, job at Hooters and now hanging out with two flat brimmed losers.

    Job well done Dad!!!

    • Hughbo Mont
      May 10, 2018 at 12:59 pm

      LOL! Looks like dad saw your post.

  • Finn's My Bitch
    May 9, 2018 at 7:50 pm

    Northbridge has more in common with Webster and Southbridge than not. Lots of Section 8’ers living in those old mills and factory tenements, and plenty of white trash townies and wigger fanbois. Just sayin.

    • Finn
      May 11, 2018 at 6:42 pm

      I *know* I could get you to s my d. Just sayin’…

      Let’s make out!

      Finn

  • Dad
    May 9, 2018 at 6:37 pm

    Thats my daughter shitbrain you got no life so you cut down people and judge them based on what a cop wrote in his report shes definitely guilty of hanging out with couple idiots she dropped these retards off she didnt even realize what they were doing then they called her to pick them up they read her phone and knew she knew them she dont deserve all that shit talking shes not a bad kid

    • Captain Trips
      May 9, 2018 at 6:43 pm

      Don’t worry daddy. We’ll send her back to you after she swallows our countless loads

      Nice job parenting.

    • Noseface
      May 9, 2018 at 7:03 pm

      100% would….sorry dad. She strikes me as the type of gal that would eat your ass without even having to ask her.

    • Captain Trips
      May 9, 2018 at 7:08 pm

      When the brothers and I are done with her at the clubhouse we’ll send her home Big Daddy. Worn maybe, but fuck it. We count on chicks like this to keep us happy

    • Bret
      May 10, 2018 at 9:03 am

      She’s trash, and it’s your fault ya sperm donor cunt… fuck you…lol

    • panzer9811
      May 10, 2018 at 10:18 am

      Nice run-on sentence, Dad.
      It is now clear to me why your dumbass daughter thought being a tramp and getting knocked up was more important than focusing on her education.
      “…….she’s a good kid.”
      NO, Dad, she’s a 22 year old woman, who has the common sense of a rock.
      “……..she dropped these retards off she didn’t even know what they were doing……”
      Did she know her license was suspended?
      Stop making excuses for the little bitch and try to do some retroactive parenting, if it’s not too late!

    • DaddysGirl
      May 10, 2018 at 11:05 am

      Yup. She’s not a bad kid dad. Driving around at 2AM on a suspended license. Happens to all good kids right? Nobody’s perfect right?

      On another note… she is smoking hot. Why she’s boning these two losers (at the same time rumor has it) is beyond me.

    • Hughbo Mont
      May 10, 2018 at 1:02 pm

      Where should we send the Fathers Day cards? And what about mom?

    • Hughbo Mont
      May 10, 2018 at 1:04 pm

      Forgot. Is your grandson also your son?

  • bigdaddy
    May 9, 2018 at 6:02 pm

    The flat brimmed Bulls cap. Can we just go kick in the nuts anyone we see wearing one?

  • Chuck Johnson
    May 9, 2018 at 3:39 pm

    I’d let them run a train on me, and I’ll give them the iPod I stole too!!! MmmmMmmmmmm

  • Bret
    May 9, 2018 at 3:38 pm

    I invite these wigga cockfarmers to be on Live, and to try your toughguy act on the corner of main and Chandler in wormtown.
    You’ll be put in your place quick shitdicks….

    • Daddy Felicia Hickey
      May 9, 2018 at 10:21 pm

      Big Brett toguh guy, and that smedley looking Turtle owner there, why don’t you two ask the father to be on?: Sounds like he may have a solid complaint. IF these douchebags dd set her up, she should have the opp (her and dad) to come on and declare it. Oh wait, I forgot, you guys justy call them as you see them. Which, judging from the looks of Miss Turtle there, you both to nearly legally blind. I wouldn’t fuck her with brett’s dick, if he had one.

      • Bret
        May 10, 2018 at 9:09 am

        Is that even English??? Jesus fucking Christ you illiterate fuck…lol
        Funny how you get pussyhurt, but still think of my dick though.
        Just want the Bretbassa huh?
        Eat my ass scumcunt

      • panzer9811
        May 10, 2018 at 10:25 am

        “if they set her up?”
        Did they suspend her license?
        She was already being a fuck-up by driving the car ……..whether they were in it or not.

  • Rick Shaw
    May 9, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    Too bad these parasites were able to dodge the end of a coat hanger while they were in the womb. I would have loved it if one of these homeowners who they robbed blew them away with a shotgun, especially the pregnant one. After all, the kid will just be another lowlife future inmate.

  • Steve Levine
    May 9, 2018 at 2:13 pm

    Felicia, call me. I can help you!

    • Dave
      May 9, 2018 at 2:32 pm

      That is hands down the funniest thing I have read in months. Thanks for the laughs!!

    • Cock Tip BBC
      May 9, 2018 at 3:31 pm

      Holy fuck, with bags like that under her eyes, ol’ Felicia must be chain smoking at a minimum, 3 full packs of cigarettes a day. And that not even counting the “blunts” baby, that this group has got to be puffin for your common every minute prop to project their mutual coolness. I can just see it now, that old break session out back of Hooters, the girls all gettin their nicotine fix on. The best picture I can see with my eyes closed, is her inhaling a nice Red 100 (sorry, she just doesnt look like a Newport girl) Marlboro reds there, inhaling that badboy right down to a 4 inch ash. Check, go back to work. Yah yah Feleicia style!

      • Captain Trips
        May 9, 2018 at 6:45 pm

        A high protein diet will help with those eye bags

    • SJW
      May 9, 2018 at 6:11 pm

      Keeping her tied up in your basement until she’s clean isn’t legit treatment.

      • Captain Trips
        May 9, 2018 at 7:12 pm

        Yeah but it works

      • Hughbo Mont
        May 10, 2018 at 1:07 pm

        LOL, OK Carl.

  • Ron Argent
    May 9, 2018 at 2:04 pm

    *wood. Just the girl of course

  • KJDS
    May 9, 2018 at 1:53 pm

    Is that finger-on-the-chin pose the equivalent of the duck-face selfie? It certainly doesn’t make those guys look like intellectuals, if that’s what they’re going for.

    • Captain Trips
      May 9, 2018 at 7:14 pm

      Fuck those pussies

      The business end of my 45 would have em cryin for mama

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