All-Star Criminals

Poopsmoochers Steal X-Box From House, But New One At Bellingham Wal-Mart, Return Stolen One In Box, Undone By Chicago Bulls Flat Brimmed Hat

Poopsmoochers Steal X-Box From House, But New One At Bellingham Wal-Mart, Return Stolen One In Box, Undone By Chicago Bulls Flat Brimmed Hat

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More and more police departments are upping their sass game on social media to attempt to track down criminals, and we love it!! The latest PD to join the trend is the Bellingham PD, which posted this on Tuesday:

First of all, what kind of bootleg criminals are these? Think about it, what was the net gain from this? A free X-Box. Cool story bro. I remember when I had time to play video games. Ya know what I’d rather have though? Cash. If they stole the X-Box from someone else’s house, why not just ask someone who bought an X-Box from Wal-Mart to use their box, return it to the store, and boom – $400 (or whatever one of these things coost). What kind of degenerates choose the X-Box over the cash? What a bunch of gamer nerds.

Anyway, this is the guy who returned the X-Box the next day, who as the BPD pointed out, clearly needs a belt:

But he wasn’t the one that bought the X-Box. Guess what hat the guy who bought the X-Box was wearing?

Ding, ding, ding!! Flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat!! Never, EVER saw that one coming. Ever.

This brought out the call of the turtle in the comments section:

If you ever see someone wearing one of these hats, hold onto your wallet and children very tightly. Because chances are that person is up to no good. Nothing good has EVER come out of someone putting on that hat. It magically turns you into a chudstuffing, chinstrapped poopsmooch.

Apparently BPD caught the Chicago Bulls hat winner, and was able to identify him because he was wearing the hat in his Facebook pictures before taking down his page:

We’d love to know his name and see some of his Facebook pictures if anyone’s got em. He’s gotta be from Woonsocket, right? I would assume this is the Wal-Mart of choice for Woonsocket’s finest. Either that or Blackstone, which is basically Woonsocket Jr.

But they’re still looking for this buttnut:

Yo, I know that guy!! He manages the Chicago Cubs!!

If you think Joe Maddon is above a free X-Box scheme from Wal-Mart, then you don’t know Joe Maddon.

But seriously, if you know who this guy is or can identify us then let us know or just contact the Bellingham PD directly. More than likely he is at Marshall’s right now looking for a new pair of Champion brand sweatpants and/or a belt.

This once again proves that Facebook is a revolutionary tool cops can use to catch bad guys. Quite frankly there’s no excuse for all police departments not to do this. Everyone’s on Facebook. You post pictures like this and you can identify the bad guys in minutes. And police departments who aren’t doing it simple aren’t serious enough about bringing bad guys to justice.


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8 Comment(s)
  • August 22, 2017 at 8:12 am

    The knob in Bulls flat brimmer is denser than a neep.

  • Blondebimbo2017
    July 29, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    Maybe they needed the cash to feed their babies? Oh I forgot most likely they both receive food stamps . Shit they probably sell the stamps to pay their rent . Oh we the tax payers pay their rent . Let’s have a vote . Good for kids? Rent for shelter for their kids? Or Herion for their addiction ? Because if they have kids they don’t have custards .

  • Me
    July 27, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    Come on TB you arent that naive to think they actually kept the xbox are you? Its not that easy to find a brand new looking xbox box. And a brand new xbox is worth more money at gamestop. These people are very clearly addicts.

  • Wabbitt
    July 27, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Now, now – maybe he doesn’t need a belt. Maybe he’s just really paranoid that his dick is going to disappear.

  • Irishcurse
    July 27, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    He has the Bulls hat and the chin strap. Like a Scarlet A.

  • full testicles
    July 27, 2017 at 7:04 pm

    I bet his girlfriend does anal and loves it, nice legs.

  • gqqser2
    July 27, 2017 at 4:30 pm

    That Walmart is way to far for Woonsocket and Blackstone chudstuffers. They go to the one in North Smithfield.

  • Mark D
    July 27, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    lol @ Joe Maddon. Good call.

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