All-Star Criminals

Professional Dickdoodler Vandalizes Rhode Island Landmark Mr. Nibbles And People Are Losing Their Minds Over It

This is why Providence can’t have nice things.

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Last week a giant blue termite named Nibbles Woodaway, the mascot for the Big Blue Bug pest control company, was vandalized. This is the monstrosity here:

And later with a sweet new face tat:

People were losing their shit over this thing being vandalized. Apparently this ginormous paper mache art project is a landmark for Providence residents. It is actually named Nibbles Woodaway, which was decided in a contest in 1990.  It’s been in a handful of movies and enjoys playing dress up.

Police have identified the vandal and issued an arrest warrant for him. His name is Nathan Beaumier and it’s not surprising he was suspected since the tag he put on Nibs is the same one he uses on the shitty tshirts he sells on Facebook.

Why is that heart ejaculating on Rhode Island?

Anyways, Nathan is as upstanding of a citizen as you would think, with regular employment and a retirement account. I’m kidding, his body is his canvas and this canvas screams unemployed and unshowered.

Tip to live by: if you ever don’t have a job to put on Facebook, just go with the always applicable “self made.” What a chudmuffin.

He’s a “self made” tattoo artist. I use the term “artist” loosely because I’ve never seen plant tattoos butchered so badly.

This chudster clearly doesn’t like to draw attention to himself and totally blends into normal society.

Oh man, if my lady parts aren’t on fire right now… Nothing better than a dirty, gold teeth rocking wangsta. If he’s not a candidate for graduate school, I don’t know who is.

But alas, he’s too busy contemplating the meaning of life with his bros. Poignantly titled “Art”. It says nothing, yet everything at the same time. So deep.

People are so pissed about Nibsy being vandalized by this dumpster slug they’ve taken to his Facebook page to let him know how angry face they are.

Or they’ve come up with their own unique punishments.

Or they just want to whine about Providence PD solving this vandalism case, instead of every single homicide. I’m sure that’s how it worked. They were just sitting around looking for a way to put off all those murder cases because homicides are absolutely on par with a clear cut vandalism where the suspect basically gave himself up. Sounds totally logical.

 

I honestly don’t even know how this delicate twig scaled the freaking thing. Unless there’s a million dollars on top of it, my ass is not climbing up that 60 foot monster.

JUSTICE FOR NIBBLES!

 

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