I feel like the one of our biggest contributions to society has been making people aware that anyone wearing a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat is more than likely a chode who is actively up to no good. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in random comments sections underneath a picture on a police page of someone wearing that headware of douchequeefs everywhere, and people have commented about “the hat.” No one was aware of this phenomenon before Turtleboy came around, and I’m glad that we can help red flag these vagrants before they do flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat things.

I bring this up because the Groton (CT) Police posted a picture of two sewer guppies stealing a bottle of Fireball from a liquor store in their mesh shorts while one of them distracts the clerk.

Every. Single. Time.

Bonus ghettoroid points for having the sticker still on it.

We really need to educate people better. The second you see this hat in your store you need to understand that you’re actively being robbed. You might know how yet, but trust me, something bad is happening. Apparently this news hasn’t made it all the way to the Connecticut coast. I know the Danielson contingent of turtle rider nation knows better though. Spread the word.

As it turns out this time the Queefler Elf in the flat brimmed Bulls hat was just the lookout. It was his job to distract the lady by taking his sweet time counting the change he got and engaging her in some light conversation. Meanwhile Paula Abtool was dancing it up in the background like I do when I’m white girl wasted at distant relative’s wedding.

And just when you thought that he couldn’t be any less conspicuous he then picked up the bottle of alcohol that gets me to dance like that and shoved it directly down his grundle.

Don’t worry, there’s plenty of room in those mesh shorts. He could probably fit a bottle of Henny in there too, because I think we can all agree that he drinks the official nectar of chinstrapped ghetto bunnies everywhere.

So if you live down in the Groton area then do us a favor and share this so we can help identify these dickbags. This store is owned by hard working immigrants who don’t deserve to be robbed by two scumwads. Plus, no store owner is safe so long as there are people in flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats roaming the streets.

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