All-Star Criminals

Queefler Elf In Flat Brimmed Chicago Bulls Hat Distracts Clerk As Paula Abtool Dances A Bottle Of Fireball Into His Grundle, Let’s ID Them  


I feel like the one of our biggest contributions to society has been making people aware that anyone wearing a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat is more than likely a chode who is actively up to no good. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in random comments sections underneath a picture on a police page of someone wearing that headware of douchequeefs everywhere, and people have commented about “the hat.” No one was aware of this phenomenon before Turtleboy came around, and I’m glad that we can help red flag these vagrants before they do flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat things.

I bring this up because the Groton (CT) Police posted a picture of two sewer guppies stealing a bottle of Fireball from a liquor store in their mesh shorts while one of them distracts the clerk.

Every. Single. Time.

Bonus ghettoroid points for having the sticker still on it.

We really need to educate people better. The second you see this hat in your store you need to understand that you’re actively being robbed. You might know how yet, but trust me, something bad is happening. Apparently this news hasn’t made it all the way to the Connecticut coast. I know the Danielson contingent of turtle rider nation knows better though. Spread the word.

As it turns out this time the Queefler Elf in the flat brimmed Bulls hat was just the lookout. It was his job to distract the lady by taking his sweet time counting the change he got and engaging her in some light conversation. Meanwhile Paula Abtool was dancing it up in the background like I do when I’m white girl wasted at distant relative’s wedding.

And just when you thought that he couldn’t be any less conspicuous he then picked up the bottle of alcohol that gets me to dance like that and shoved it directly down his grundle.


Don’t worry, there’s plenty of room in those mesh shorts. He could probably fit a bottle of Henny in there too, because I think we can all agree that he drinks the official nectar of chinstrapped ghetto bunnies everywhere.

So if you live down in the Groton area then do us a favor and share this so we can help identify these dickbags. This store is owned by hard working immigrants who don’t deserve to be robbed by two scumwads. Plus, no store owner is safe so long as there are people in flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats roaming the streets.


Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


32 Comment(s)
  • Silencio Dogood
    August 4, 2019 at 2:58 am

    I’m fairly certain the dancing queen is a Neanderthal, and further proof of human devolution.

  • Eloquent Asshat
    August 2, 2019 at 11:10 am

    “I feel like the one of our biggest contributions to society has been making people aware that anyone wearing a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat is more than likely a chode….”

    I disagree. By far your biggest contribution to society has been the absolutely astounding list of creative insults you’ve created and shared with the world. Fupasloth, Queefslug, Crotch fruits, Homeless heffalump, I mean come on, not even Webster has made such a comprehensive contribution to our lexicon.

  • Gitty
    August 2, 2019 at 12:40 am

    What does the owners being immigrants have anything to do with it? Doesn’t make them anymore special than non-immigrants.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      August 2, 2019 at 4:48 am

      Stealing from your own never has any philanthropic evolutionary benefits to any society or species.

      Plus, I thought I told you to fuck off. Appreciate it if you could comply, there’s a lamb.

  • If Turtleboy was smart...
    August 1, 2019 at 7:26 pm

    … he would sell a turtle-version of a flat brimmed Bulls hat in a green colorway and sell it on the site. But what do I know, I’m just a successful small business owner who understands how simple it is to monetize a website with steady traffic.

    • Fuck Off Faggot
      August 1, 2019 at 7:42 pm

      If wearing a Bulls hat makes you a criminal what does wearing a Turtleboy hat make you?

      • dowen0895
        Dick Scratcher
        August 2, 2019 at 4:50 am

        It makes you handsome, sexy and intelligent.


  • That Girl Was Me
    August 1, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    The guys talking shit on here are cowards.
    It takes a lot of balls to steal a bottle of liquor from a store like that. That’s why that night those guys were partying with hot girls and getting some!

    • Mmmmmmm
      August 1, 2019 at 6:52 pm

      You must be pretty hot if it took a whole bottle of vodka for them to want to get in your pants

    • Shaboom
      August 2, 2019 at 4:30 am

      For the love of god, you better not spit a little douchequeef crotch fruit out of your tuna shoot in 9 months. The world has enough parasitic idiots as it is.

  • Mr empty pants
    August 1, 2019 at 5:19 pm

    He didn’t steal fireball….he stole a bottle of ciroc frost…..retail value about forty bucks…..

    Guess when you don’t have much I’m the penile length department you have room in your pants for 750 ml. Bottles of ciroc.

    Boy the number of women this guy has disappointed over the years must be high

  • Local real local
    August 1, 2019 at 3:23 pm

    the movie reminded me of New York City in the 70s and 80s. At that time NYC had prostitution and drug dealing in Times Square. Homelessness was everywhere and citizens felt like there was nothing more that could be done. Then Guiliani and the republican leadership got behind him: joe Bruno the senate president, pataki the governor, and al damato us senator got the public funds flowing and backed guiliani with public programs: seizure of abandoned buildings for housing, street level police enforcement with a determination incarcerate or send them to the nut house, and constant change of the public perception to improve quality of life crime. Funny, today they call it rampant drug use.

    Now today they have families in Times Square and tourists flock to the city in droves.

  • Batman
    August 1, 2019 at 2:23 pm

    Well, the good news is their exploits are now being seen and they have become Turtleboy famous and will soon be identified. Sadly, the business owner has better chance of seeing theses two ask to cash a paycheck than ever getting a dime outta them. Good read NSTB.

    • Robin
      August 1, 2019 at 2:59 pm

      Avoid Searstown, it’s a little too hot right now.

      • Mr empty pants
        August 1, 2019 at 5:21 pm

        Oh wait…..give them 40 or 50 years til “they turn their lives around” if they survive…..

        Then you will see them become all they can be

  • Sick of these Ratchet Fucks
    August 1, 2019 at 2:23 pm

    Fireball, the drink of choice when you wanna ball your partner in crime later in the evening. Get him fired up and put the boots to him.

  • Gash Basher
    August 1, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    The still frame of bulls hat dink looks like one of those nintendo wii characters. a “mii’ I believe it’s called

  • Barry
    August 1, 2019 at 1:49 pm

    Big Brother needs to start putting chips in those hats.

  • z
    August 1, 2019 at 1:26 pm

    Hit the sub base. The blue shit is an officer (the stars are a giveaway) and the Bulls Hat is a Chief petty officer. Just came back from 6 months of not seeing daylight.

    They deserve our respect and not condemnation.

  • Judge dread
    August 1, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    Atleast the authorities are pursuing this crime. In Cali statewide the police (due to leftist statewide policy) will not respond to larceny under $800 unless it involves a&b.

    In Seattle it’s even worse. One local grocery chain filed 600 complaints / 911 calls about shop lifting. Only 8 were prosecuted by the DA.

    I watched this the other day, if you have an hour I highly recommend watching this local news report. YouTube Seattle is dying. 4.5m views. It just proves how the left coast has become a tent city, syringe and feces infected slum.

    • Christopher Lettiere
      August 1, 2019 at 1:30 pm

      • Judge dread
        August 1, 2019 at 1:48 pm

        Thanks man I don’t know how to embed.

        • Christopher Lettiere
          August 1, 2019 at 1:51 pm

          I got in playing in the background; holy shit.
          FreeAttle looks a lot like Baltimore, San FranShitHole, etc.
          Thanks for the suggestion.

          • Judge dread
            August 1, 2019 at 2:38 pm

            It’s a turning into a shit hole just like SFO and LAX

          • Judge dread
            August 1, 2019 at 2:43 pm

            I spent a lot of time in sfo and lax. Last time I was there was 2013. These cities were not like that. The Seattle doc was like the last three years. I’ll never visit these places again.

      • Bath house barry
        August 1, 2019 at 2:56 pm

        Guess what the common thing is between cities? They’re all democrat run.

      • Watch the Seattle clip
        August 1, 2019 at 4:07 pm

        That Seattle clip is an hour long, but a very good documentary! Everyone should watch!

    • Been there
      August 2, 2019 at 9:53 am

      I was in Seattle recently. The stores charge you for a plastic bag, and also charge a sugary drink surcharge. I had to pay extra for sugar in my coffee, and if I wanted one of those cardboard holders for 4 drinks I would have to pay for that! Liberalism anybody?

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    August 1, 2019 at 1:10 pm

    Love the ballbag tickler chin hair.

  • TMZ
    August 1, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    I think that the dude in the hat was in the last LEGO movie

  • bigdaddy
    August 1, 2019 at 1:08 pm

    I thought Henny was the drink of choice for queefs every where

Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?