All-Star Criminals

Rhode’s Islands Worst Driver Plays Drunken Demolition Derby, Advertises Plowing Driveways, Plows 44 Parked Cars Instead

You may have gotten drunk in your lifetime, but have you ever been “hit a full parking lot’s worth of cars in slow motion drunk?” before, bruh?

Chris Paolissi has,

and it took 3 days worth of headlines for the police and media to even get a full damage toll.

“A Foster man was arrested Tuesday afternoon after police say he hit dozens of cars in Providence while driving erratically.

According to the Providence Police Commander Thomas Verdi, officers received reports that a truck was driving slowly – but erratically – on the city’s south side.

While driving at approximately 15 mph, Verdi said the driver hit 35 vehicles and continued on before being taken into custody at the corner of Elmwood and Lexington Avenues.

Verdi said of the 35 cars hit, only one of them had a person inside. No injuries were reported.

The driver, identified as Christopher Paolissi, was suspected of DUI and transported to Rhode Island Hospital where he submitted a blood test.

Paolissi was arrested on several charges including DUI, reckless driving and failure to stop during an accident involving an attended vehicle.”


A day later the number was up to 41….


Before finally settling on the grand total of 44, right in time for him to face the judge.


“One day after police said he left a trail of destruction in Providence, a Foster man appeared in court Wednesday morning to face several charges.

Christopher Paolissi is accused of hitting 44 cars with his vehicle while driving under the influence.

He was arraigned on charges of operating a motor vehicle under the influence, operating on a public highway in a reckless manner, and failure to stop and remain a the scene.


Bail was set at $7,500 with surety and a March 19 pretrial was set.

Paolissi was referred to pretrial services for alcohol/substance abuse assessment.”


But ahhhh…..who’s counting, amirite? Go big, or go home.



Chris probably should have just gone home.


That seems like a lot of damage for his truck to sustain for him to just keep on plowing through parked care after parked car. He must’ve gotten so shithoused he forgot he was driving home tanked, instead of playing a really intense game of GTA 5.

Eh, it’s Providence, RI, close enough. The hookers are just less appealing. Honest mistake?



But seriously, 44 cars, at 15 miles per hour. Holy shit. This guy hit everything except the lottery.  This is definitely one call Jake from State Farm is not going to enjoy getting.

“Jake? Yeah, no….he’s not here right now.”



And although Chris’s Facebook page is pretty locked down, hilariously this is the first and only post is this gem of a business proposition:


Yeah, that’s gonna be a hard pass from me, dawg.









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23 Comment(s)
  • PatchesKennedy
    March 2, 2019 at 2:20 pm

    He should pull a Kennedy. Just blame your Doctor and Pharmacist. Claim ambient black out and check into rehab. Works every time for the Kennedys.

  • The Ghost of Joseph P. Kennedy
    March 1, 2019 at 10:47 pm

    This guys alcohol consumption is putting my great, great, great grandkids through Ivy League indoctrination programs! 10% of Scotch imports on me!!!

  • bigdaddy
    Ted Kennedy
    March 1, 2019 at 4:49 pm

    man even I never hit that many cars when driving drunk

  • badadadadadada
    March 1, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    Farmers should use this as an example of their next “seen it covered it” commercial. Much better than the squirrels throwing the pinecones.

  • Torah! Torah! Torah!
    March 1, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    Of course he hit 44 cars! He was in a Ford! Nothing stops them… Well except for the cops

    • Denis Leary
      March 1, 2019 at 2:51 pm

      I concur pal.

      It doesn’t raise the bar, it IS the bar.

      • Y
        March 1, 2019 at 3:15 pm

        Just stay away from the bar

  • Blackout
    March 1, 2019 at 2:01 pm

    What’s the big deal? It’s just a fender bender. That happened 44 times. On the same day. While he was blacked out. Who are we to judge?

  • z
    March 1, 2019 at 1:40 pm

    When removed from the car, he was talking to the cops just like the Leprechaun that mentioned the Vernon Hotel.

  • z
    March 1, 2019 at 1:00 pm

    Beat me to it. 1st thing I thought of was GTA 5.

    I’d say he was being responsible. He had contracts to fulfill and didn’t realize the snow was going to be deep enough for him to plow. Because of that he thought he was free and clear to be shit-faced because he wasn’t planning to drive.

    After all, he was driving real slow and was fulfilling his obligations to his customers.
    Leave the poor man alone.
    It all because of climate change.

    • Kim Wescott
      March 1, 2019 at 1:50 pm

      It’s Trump’s fault.

  • Randall Guy
    March 1, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    I wish Paolissi would plow me that hard.

    March 1, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    He hit my old Ford too, in Massachusetts! Where do I file my claim?

    • The angry taint
      The angry taint
      March 1, 2019 at 2:29 pm

      you too? but my tempo also had my 2 rembrandts and a whole salami all are completely ruined…FML

  • Shit Happens
    March 1, 2019 at 12:35 pm

    I had a friend do this back in 1981 during a high school party. He was shitfaced and hit 52 cars parked on both sides of the road and I was the only person who saw it happen. He did it all in a white chevette and I had to tell the cops and went with them to his house. There were so many colors of paint on his car that I lost count, those were the days.

    • Y
      March 1, 2019 at 1:37 pm


    • z
      March 1, 2019 at 2:54 pm


      You got any stitches?

  • Francis Sidebottom
    March 1, 2019 at 12:15 pm

    Is this a Florida man incendent

  • Liberty Mutual
    March 1, 2019 at 12:12 pm

    I live in a different state and was no where near the scene of the crime. However, I would like to report that my car was also damaged by Mr. Rhode Island.

  • Y
    March 1, 2019 at 11:52 am

    Maybe, he’s epileptic?? Haha

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    March 1, 2019 at 11:08 am


  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Randall Guy's Dad
    March 1, 2019 at 11:03 am

    Hey Chris, I am interested in getting plowed out when you get out of jail.

    • Chris Paolissi
      March 1, 2019 at 1:37 pm

      Sure, it will have to be in a bar out of state far away because I’m on the down-low.
      I’ve got 2 places.
      The RamRod (a leather bar) or The White Swallow (a place for pretty boys).
      Message me some dicks pics and we can talk about that.

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