Southbridge Astrojizzasicists Defend Good Name Of Coke Dealer On SPD Facebook Page After Being Sentenced To 5 Years In Prison
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More ratchetry out of the Kingdom of Southbridge……
A dumbass poopbrain in Southbridge selling cocaine to an undercover? Never thought I’d see the day. Stuff like this isn’t even news in Southbridge. It’s just business as usual. The story isn’t that some lowlife slugrake was sentenced to prison for five years for selling poison, the story is the amazing commentary that followed shortly thereafter from some of Southbridge’s finest.
It started off with a spinoff of the age old hoodrat creed – “If you don’t know him you best not be speaking his name, only God can judge”...
Serena Hemingway-Laythe, Jess Mestre, and Melissa Hemingway would take it from there. From that point on whenever someone had some smart ass thing to say about this law-abiding, model citizen of the Bridge, the gloves came off. For instance, some people that the five year sentence for a repeat offender was a little bit lenient. Wrong!!
Because….of course he has children with some random chick from Southbridge he knocked up. Lots of responsible parents sell drugs, knowing full well that if they’re caught their children will no longer have a father.
Turns out Jess Mestre is the baby momma. And as you can see from the commentary on the pic of her and her sperm donor, she has “declared in the name of Jesus” that he will be home soon:
So it looks like they have nothing to worry about. After all, it’s been declared in the name of Jesus. And everyone knows Jesus had a thing for drug dealers from Southbridge.
Oh, and if you have a problem with drug dealers like him, then you’re a cracker:
It’s true. I watched Scarface a couple of times. This puts Turtleboy on the same moral level as a coke dealer. Because enjoying Hollywood depictions of drug dealing, and actually participating in drug dealing yourself are the exact same thing. Definitely.
Don’t get it twisted though – she’s not defending what he did. She’s just pointing out that he “made a mistake”
When Turtleboy makes a mistake the grammar Nazis tell us they’re not reading our blog anymore. When her boo makes a mistake he gets five years in prison. Once again, these things are equal.
Then there’s this:
Melissa Hemingway is evidently his aunt, and home girl don’t play when it comes to fam:
Cracker? Sounds kind of racist. Why you so racist Melissa?
Oh right, you’re Latin American. You can’t be racist. I forgot. The best part about that sentence is her calling the guy a racial slur, and then in the very next breath stating that she’s FAR from racist.
She made a good point though – most people have been drug dealers at one point in their life, if they’re not dealing drugs already:
Love the Hippocrates reference at the end. She must be a doctor.
Oh, and if you have anything to say to her then you best shut the fuck up and “respect your elders”:
Because this chick might only be 38 years old, but that’s 67 in Southbridge years.
It’s OK though, because on September 11th she reminded us all what happened:
I totally forgot about the September 11th attacks until Melissa Hemingway changed her profile picture. Now I remember.
Someone warned Melissa that she was basically auditioning for a Turtleboy blog, but she told them they were wack ass mofos:
She’s right. Crackers always have something to say. Especially Ritz brand. Those crackers always be talking back.
Others pointed out that nobody had shit to say when he was free:
Look, if Serena is taking time out of her busy day to make sure that bitches aren’t talking shit on the Facebook machine, then you know that this was a REALLY important message that had to be delivered. After all, she’s a very busy woman who has to come up with a new way to pose for 100 new Facebook profile selfies every day.
Anyway, obviously these chicks have their priorities straight. I know if I had a loved one sentenced to five years in prison the first thing I’d be doing is policing the Internet to see if anyone was saying something negative about my drug dealing family member. And I’d make sure to write nonsensical rambling paragraphs about what a great person he is if you only got to know him.
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