All-Star Criminals

Springfield Man Skips Court Date Because “The Defendant Has No Pants”

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We’ve got a lot of characters out here in the 413, and today we bring the story of a local rocket scientist who apparently has an issue with pants:

The BlazeA defendant in Springfield, Massachusetts, was unable to participate in his arraignment hearing Monday. A court-appointed lawyer notified the judge that his client has “no pants.” Dermont E. Weaver Jr., 31, was arrested Saturday and charged with five counts of open and gross lewdness after he exposed himself to a family walking by a bar in Springfield.

When it came time for Weaver to be arraigned, his lawyer, Anna Levine, made the embarrassing admission to Judge John Payne. “The defendant has no pants,” she explained, when asked why her client was in the courthouse lockup instead of the courtroom. The reason for Weaver’s wardrobe issue goes back to his arrest, when, according to MassLive.com, he was wearing only a hooded sweatshirt and running shoes.While the judge was unable to arraign Weaver, he did order a mental health evaluation at Levine’s request.

The trouble began when a young couple and their two daughters encountered Weaver on the sidewalk around 5:30 p.m., according to the arrest report. 

“The daughters became frightened while Mr. Weaver began jumping around in front of them” and exposing himself, officer Kenneth Arzon wrote in the report.

The father “tried to block his daughters’ view while screaming at Mr. Weaver to pull his pants up,” the report said. 

Wait….what? You’re telling me they couldn’t find a pair of government slacks for this guy? They arrest people for flashing little girls, and then they IMMEDIATELY bring them in front of a judge? There’s no processing? They booked this guy with his junk hanging out? How bout a towel? Or a robe? Or a toga? I mean, how hard is it to find a piece of fabric to cover your nuts?

Oh well, just another day in Springfield really. Nothing to see here. I mean, what percent of people arrested in Springfield are wearing pants? I’d venture to say 15-20% tops. You know what they say in the 413 – mo pants, mo problems. If I were this guy’s lawyer I’d go with the laundry day defense. We’ve all been there before. 

I’m not gonna lie, my man Dermont Weaver is a little more polished than I would’ve pictured him:

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I pictured him as more of a hilarious stumbling drunk. For crying out loud, he’s getting wasted during the day and running up to young girls for no apparent reason and shoving his junk in their face. This guy looks like a washed up NFL cornerback who can’t give up the dream, not the hilarious stumbling drunk who takes free ambulance rides like Derek Thomas

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Shockingly this is not the pantless wonder’s first run in with the law:

In March, city police accused him of beating up his legally blind neighbor after going to the man’s apartment to smoke crack cocaine. 

Nothing to see hear, especially for the blind guy. (waka, waka, waka) Who among us hasn’t wandered into their blind neighbor’s home, kicked their ass, and then smoked crack cocaine on their couch in celebration? Just another day in Springfield.

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But wait, it gets better:

Weaver pleaded not guilty to kidnapping and assault and battery on a disabled person; at a prosecutor’s request, Judge William Boyle set bail at $25,000. Details of that case, including whether Weaver actually posted $25,000 bail, were not immediately available Monday. 

How the hell did this genius come up with 25 large? He must be working for the Springfield chapter of the Mosaic Cultural Complex. 

Oh yea, and then there was this:

Eight months later, Weaver was arrested for panhandling on Nov. 25, the day before Thanksgiving.

Wait, they arrest people for panhandling in Springfield? Don’t tell Tracy Novick or the ACLU!! How do you like that Worcester? Springfield has higher standards than you do. In Worcester your elected leaders will sue the city on your behalf and take your case to the Supreme Court. In Springfield they lock your ass up. 

Since this guy is somehow married, my question is, does his wife stay with him?

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I’m going with, yes. I mean, she had to have seen this one coming right? It was pretty much only a matter of time until Dermont Weaver got drunk, flashed two girls, and then didn’t show up in court because he couldn’t find a proper paid of slacks. 

Anyway, I’d say it’s time for poor Dermont here to move on. He’s on the Springfield Police’s radar, so his days of panhandling, beating up blind guys, and shoving his junk in little girl’s faces is probably coming to an end. You know what that means – time to move to Holyoke – Springfield’s version of Southbridge. 

P.S. Best comment ever:

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5 Comment(s)
  • Fillet O Fish
    January 1, 2016 at 1:24 am

    My suit didn’t come back from the cleaners in time…an old freind came in from out of town, there was a fire… a terrible flood- locusts! I swear to God it wasn’t my fault!

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    December 31, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    Look at his ugly azz wife, no wonder the dude has gone bat shit crazy…

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    December 31, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    Look at his ugly azz wife, no wonder the dude has gone bat shit crazy…

  • Maggie the Cat
    December 31, 2015 at 11:35 am

    It appears the judiciary has no imagination. A nearby Goodwill or Salvation Army or liberal-leaning church should have been called upon to provide a pair of pants as an act of charity. That’s real “problem solving”.

  • Purple Passion
    December 31, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Obviously this lad needs to have Mosaic check his blood pressure.

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