All-Star Criminals

Springfield Pubefarm Crack Cocaine Dealer Tries Running From Cops, Jumps Into Undercover Detective’s Car 

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MassliveA 25-year-old city man, fleeing police Saturday night, erroneously jumped into a detective’s undercover car in an attempt to escape. The incident began about 10:10 p.m. when city police began to pursue a pickup truck, Ryan Walsh, spokesman for the department, said. After losing sight of the pickup, police saw the suspect run up Central Street towards Ashmun Street. Sgt. Christopher Hitas of the department’s narcotics unit pulled over as the suspect approached. That’s when the suspect opened the passenger door and attempted to get in. Once he realized Hitas wasn’t going anywhere, the suspect got out and kept on running. Police were able to take the suspect into custody on Ashmun Street. Police discovered he was in possession of 14 rocks of crack cocaine. Angel Valdes of Arnold Avenue was arrested and charged with possession of crack cocaine with intent to distribute, breaking and entering into a vehicle at night, resisting arrest and two default warrants.

Sweet baby Jesus. Just look at this thing. I don’t get it. If you’re selling crack cocaine, shouldn’t you be able to afford a haircut? Or some Harry’s razor blades? Or shampoo? What’s the point of being a drug dealer if you can’t even look fresh to death doing so? Isn’t that the whole point? When you sell drugs you’re taking a risk, but the benefits of temporarily being able to buy nice clothes and bootleg gold chains makes it worth it. This guy looks like he’s been stuck on ratchet island for the last four years. Although his mustache is nicely touched up. He just forgot about the rest of his overgrown pubes.

And I am as shocked as you are that a Springfield crack cocaine dealer would be dumb enough to jump in an idled undercover police car. He’s clearly just not cut out for this line of work. Here’s my question – why was he attempting to get into a car at all? The car was not moving, which is a problem because you’re running away from something. And when you get in the passenger’s seat it’s hard to drive the car. Just sayin.

Guess who his favorite sportball teeam is….

They might be the worst team in the NBA, but the Chicago Bulls will always be the official franchise of ratchets everywhere!! Although it does appear from his token $20 bill cell phone and somewhat manicured pube farm that at one point he actually gave a shit about his appearance. Guess the crack cocaine market’s getting saturated. Might have to go back to selling food stamps on Facebook like the old days.

Here’s an idea – instead of always rocking the freshest pair of Jordan’s

Try investing in a comb and some conditioner instead.

13 Comment(s)
  • John Wypyszinski
    Herr Doktor
    March 29, 2018 at 9:12 am

    He gets his hair done at Buhwheat’s Otay Hair ‘n Wacksin’ Place, he’s not just a client he’s their spokesmodel!

  • panzer9811
    March 29, 2018 at 7:18 am

    What’s he got? Like $300 in 20s he;s flashin’?
    Waxy McEyebrows certainly has hit the big time!!
    RME, what a pathetic loser.

  • Bleh
    March 29, 2018 at 12:55 am

    Hilarious lol

  • Steven Stover
    March 28, 2018 at 10:47 pm

    I saw him in Planet Of The Apes.

  • Dill Dough
    March 28, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    Yo homie’s shoes are size 6.5. Is that a joke? No wonder why he couldn’t run away on them little baby bitch feet.

  • z
    March 28, 2018 at 12:00 pm


    I’m sure he can file a sex discrimination suit against Springfield

    In Lowell if you are a woman and car jack (AKA grand theft auto) they just give you a summons to appear. You know if it wasn’t a cop in the car he would have GTA’d (the video game) the driver and driven off.

  • Hairy Clam
    March 28, 2018 at 11:24 am

    He jumped in the passenger seat, saw a uniformed trooper trying to hand him a backdated ticket in the drivers seat – and took off like a jack rabbit.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    March 28, 2018 at 10:48 am

    Don’t get HIGH on your own supply.

  • Rich
    March 28, 2018 at 10:34 am

    Springfield celebrates diversity!

  • H.E. Penneypacker
    March 28, 2018 at 10:17 am

    No neck tats? Guess he hasn’t gotten to 20 pages on his BOP to get his golden ticket to Walpole.

  • Pico
    March 28, 2018 at 10:11 am

    Looks like he could fill a spot on the isis jv team.

  • senora
    March 28, 2018 at 9:57 am

    The eyebrows are on fleek!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Browzonfleek
      March 28, 2018 at 12:21 pm

      Right? I want to know who waxes them.

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