All-Star Criminals

Strokey Sullivan Gets Caught Mid Pump By Angry Providence Dad Choking The Cyclops To Girls Leaving School While Inside His Car With No Pants On

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Here’s the most disturbing story you’ll see this week out of good ol’ Providence….

The most disgusting part about this is that I don’t see a splooge rag anywhere in those pictures? This guy was planning on dropping off the baby nectar on his leg and letting it air dry on the way home.

And where the hell are his pants? Bro, if you’re gonna blend up some DNA slurpies in public like this at least where mesh shorts. I mean, how the hell do you explain not having pants on? Laundry day?

There are some sick fucks out there dude. Do these people not have wifi? You can literally watch any woman you want doing anything you want her to on the world wide Internets. It’s pretty fantastic. But these mother fuckers don’t care about that. They get off on the thrill. It’s exhilarating to them because they’re doing it in public and the thought of someone catching them mid stroke gets the blood flowing through their Jurassic pork more than a multi billion dollar porn company in California can. Were it not for the fear of getting caught they wouldn’t do this.

Unfortunately for this clown puncher you do get caught sometimes when you fuck with a papa bear around his cubs. I have no idea who this spankatron is, but I’ll guarantee you this ain’t the first time he’s done this. You don’t just wake up one day and decide you’re gonna siphon the python to a bunch of girls outside their school. This is part of your daily routine. There’s a 99.9% chance this guy was a registered sex offender at one point. I’ll bet you anything he’s at least THOUGHT about trying to meet a 13 year old he met in a chatroom, but the fear of becoming the perv of the month on a vigilante’s hidden camera keeps him at bay. So this is his release instead.

Anyway, since the plates are right there it should be easy to find out who the guy is right? Cops are investigating and I’m sure they’ll find him. But in the meantime if anyone out there has access to the registry and wants to let us know who this car is registered to, feel free to message Turtleboy Sports Returns on Facebook or email us at The cops will arrest him, but the public shaming we’d provide would be much, much, much worse.

13 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    June 8, 2018 at 4:07 pm

    Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the whole Catholic high school thing as much as the next guy. But I indulge by watching Chloe Amour get bent over a desk in a school room that looks suspiciously like a bedroom in a cheap condo in Van Nuys. This bootleg Mike Ehrmantraut needs to invest in a subscription to Brazzers before an irate father rightfully rips his dick off.

  • Captain Trips
    June 8, 2018 at 3:26 pm

    Is that Burl Ives?

    He was just petting Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

    • Captain Trips
      June 8, 2018 at 3:46 pm

      No that’s not Burl – sorry Burl

      But it is Geppetto and from pics it’s lookin like Pinocchio’s been telling some lies!

  • British TG
    June 8, 2018 at 11:35 am

    I must admit that I was confused by the title. Was thinking “…So there’s one guy having a wank… and there’s a dad who’s also having a sly tommy tank, but he’s pissed off at the first guy for doing It?…. wtf?”

  • vicxh
    June 8, 2018 at 11:34 am

    A liberal college professor on summer break?

    • British TG
      June 8, 2018 at 12:01 pm

      Yes, because all the pervs in the world are liberal of course.

      • vicxh
        June 8, 2018 at 12:41 pm

        Driving a Volvo in New England? Obviously it’s a liberal.

        If it was an F-150, I would have said it was a trump-voting plumber who was cleaning his pipes ….

    • Wabbitt
      June 8, 2018 at 4:02 pm

      Ten bucks says he just recently took his “I’m with Her” magnet off of the car.

  • Hughbo Mont
    June 8, 2018 at 11:11 am

    A Volvo. It figures.

  • Benjamin Wallens
    June 8, 2018 at 10:27 am

    • John Ford
      June 8, 2018 at 12:03 pm

      Dang Rhode Island isn’t on there

      • Benjamin Wallens
        June 8, 2018 at 12:53 pm

        Crap, sorry.. they are the best for MA, so I’ve been told 🙂

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