All-Star Criminals

The Asshat Who Tried Gauging A Worcester Cop’s Eyes Out Represented Himself At Trial, Called Himself A Model Citizen, And Shocking Was Found Guilty

Just another day in a Massachusetts courtroom.

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Remember that slug rake who thought it would be wise to fight a police officer, try to gauge his eyes out, and then run over a bunch of people in a super market parking lot? Well he had his trial this week, and this Jr. Perry Mason elected to represent himself.

Yup, you read that right. Jones Appiah referred to himself as a “model citizen” at the jury-waived trial. Because when I think “model citizen” the first thing that comes to mind is “eye gouging”:

“During the violent struggle, the officer could feel Mr. Appiah digging his fingernails into his face and purposely scratching him,” police said. “At this time Mr. Appiah took one of his fingers and purposely pressed, with great force, into one of the officers’ eye. The officer believed that Mr. Appiah was actually attempting to gouge out his eye.”

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This is definitely the defense a real attorney would’ve told him to go with. Smart choice on his part. Especially since he’s been arrested a million times before, and they almost always involve violence against police officers:

Officers spent considerable time trying to reason with Mr. Appiah to open the door. The officers continued to speak with Mr. Appiah through the open window but were not able to make progress. At this time the officers forced their way into the apartment. Once inside, Mr. Appiah retreated to an area near his bookshelf, located in his living room. Officers closed in but Mr. Appiah ran into his kitchen and armed himself with a large knife. The knife was approximately 12 inches in length. Mr. Appiah was holding it in a threatening manner towards the uniformed officers.

Additional officers were called to the scene. While holding the knife and keeping the officers at bay, Mr. Appiah called police dispatch to report that his home was being invaded. At this time Mr. Appiah moved towards the stairs leading to the second floor. Against the officer’s commands, Mr. Appiah went upstairs and entered a bedroom. Officers noticed that Mr. Appiah had left the knife on the stairs before he entered the bedroom. Officers spoke with Mr. Appiah through the bedroom door for several more minutes and were finally able to convince him to exit the bedroom. Mr. Appiah was unarmed when he came out of the bedroom. He was placed under arrest without further incident.

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But of course this is Massachusetts so instead of jail time for assaulting a Worcester Police Officer and acting like a savage, he got a year’s probation instead. Guess jail just wasn’t working for him. It’s not like he’s ever going to reoffend right? I mean, the man is a model citizen. Even ask him. I’m genuinely shocked that criminals around here always seem to reoffend. Can’t figure out why. I mean, when you get probation after a series of violent arrests against the police you would think you’d learn your lesson. Guess not.

Anyway, we laughed at this guy because he thought it would be wise to represent himself. But at the end of the day it seems like a wise decision. He could not have been any more guilty, and he could not possibly come up with a worse defense than “I am a model citizen.” And yet he still avoided the house of corrections. So looks like Jones Appiah is smarter than we thought because he’s not going to jail and he saved a bunch of money by playing defense attorney in a real courtroom.

Looks like it’s back to sharing inspirational quotes from himself on Facebook, shooting bald eagles, and fucking up anyone who gets in his way for Jones Appiah!!

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15 Comment(s)
  • Independent Thinker
    December 29, 2016 at 8:18 am

    The judge should be impeached. A violent person, with a huge arrest record, tried to gouge a police officer’s eyes out, and all he got was probation. Probation is for when someone does something petty and then takes action to correct his transgression. It is also for someone who is highly unlikely to be a repeat offender. Prison is to remove violent, repeat offenders from society in order to protect us from them.

    I’d say he did a pretty good job defending himself in court. I wonder who is PO is going to be and if she had anything to do in passing the sentence?

  • BobnMic
    December 28, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    24 more days in hell then normalcy will prevail.

  • Reddog
    December 28, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    Can’t believe he didn’t get jail time. I don’t get it.

  • Turd Burglestein
    December 28, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    So here I was after socket wrenching myself up the butt when I thought to myself ‘Self take a picture.’. Then I smoked up a bong full of resin.

  • Whitey Reparations Disburser
    December 28, 2016 at 5:04 pm

    Should have shot that worthless shitskin ape when he threatened them with the 12″ butcher knife.

    Off to NU for this simian oxygen waster.

  • KimberlyS
    KJDS
    December 28, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    “It’s fruits might nerdish the world.”

    So inspirational.

  • Turd Burglestein
    December 28, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    I sort of am a stud here on this blog. That being said, I’m also a DJ and a real lady mans.

    • Turd Burglestein
      December 28, 2016 at 4:00 pm

      I must be if you’re so desperate to try imitating me. Tell me junior…do you fap to the image of my smiling turd face? It’s ok…you can admit the truth.

  • Phong
    December 28, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    I don’t want to be a jerk, but it’s gouge.

  • You're an asshole
    December 28, 2016 at 3:25 pm

    Oh excuse us Mr. Perfect. Is that a real piece of shit in your toilet or is that just you?

    • Turd Burglestein
      December 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm

      You’re excused, shit nibblet.

  • Spankster
    December 28, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    I feel bad for this guy. If the cops had shot him. He could have been The Woo’s poster child for blm. Then they all could have told us what a good guy their ” Brother” was

  • Paul Larson
    December 28, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

    Paul Larson

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      Kevi bashed in my skull
      December 29, 2016 at 9:33 am

      ah the perfunctory non sequitur. Well played.

  • Turd Burglestein
    December 28, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    What kind of measuring device did he use to gauge the cop’s eyes?

    Or did you mean gouge?

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