• The Big E Round 2: Money Pit Dumpster Fire Of Infomercials, Cow Shit, Fried Dough, And Beautiful People Wearing Spectacular Outfits



    The Big E Round 2: Money Pit Dumpster Fire Of Infomercials, Cow Shit, Fried Dough, And Beautiful People Wearing Spectacular Outfits

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    A few years back Mrs. Turtleboy dragged me to the worst place in America – the Big E. I said I’d only go if I could blog about how terrible it is. She agreed. And it was the dumpster fire I knew it would be.

    But just like any ratchet we blog about, the Big E deserves redemption. So we elected to give it another shot to see if it was really that Godless. Turns out we were right the first time. Join us on our journey to West Springfield……

    So believe it or not there are actually hundreds of thousands of people who don’t just like the Big E, they LIVE for the Big E. They circle it on their calendars and count down the days. And this is what happens when you get off the highway and enter West Springfield as a result:

    So being wicked smart we rerouted and tried to sneak in from the backway. Apparently we were not the only morons who thought of this:

    After sitting on your ass listening to crying kids in the backseat for 20 minutes you slowly see signs of the Big E. And by that I mean people turning their businesses into for profit parking lots:

    Luckily the boobs that flood this place follow directions and cooperate with the police officers who got stuck on traffic duty.

    LOL. Just kidding. No one listens to anything and the poor cop trying to tell these idiots where to go is forced to throw her hands up in the air in frustration:

    As in, “I give up.”

    Only a rookie would pay $20 to park that far away too. You gotta go to the side streets closer to the entrance. And when you do you see this:

    Yup, gonna be one of those days. That guy right there LIVES for the Big E.

    Of course everyone who bought a house in northern Agawam or southern West Springfield did so specifically for this reason. So they could turn their lawns into parking lots and fleece morons like Turtleboy into forking over their money.

    But they only charge $10, so you gotta go with them. Who do you pick? Whoever has the biggest flag. And this lady was today’s winner:

    She was very nice and I hope she has a great day. But I guarantee when these people buy their homes the fact that three weeks every year their neighborhood turns into a money pit is something any good realtor would use as a reason to jack up the price of the home.

    At this point I was ready to blow my brains out because Turtleboy Jr. wouldn’t shut up about his iPad needing to be charged. How people raised children before you could plop them down in front of a machine is beyond me.

    But finally it was time to experience the cesspool that is the Big E. Now, it costs $15 to get in. And for that you get…….nothing. Literally nothing. Except for the ability to spend more money on shit you don’t want. The first thing you see when you walk in of course is fried dough:

    If fried dough is a regular Tuesday night meal in your house, as it is for at least 50% of the people who enjoy going to the Big E, then you’ll be right at home there. Because fried dough is literally everywhere you look.

    Not just fried dough either. Generally anything that you want to stuff your gullet with if you don’t intend to live past the age of 55 is readily available.  Like funnel cakes

    Fried oreos

    Fried snickers, and other things that already taste delicious and don’t need to be deep fried:

    Fuck it. Deep fry it anyway just because.

    You can also get Idaho Nachos:

    Because when I think of Idaho, the first thing that comes to mind is “nachos.”

    Oh, and the Big E is way more fun when it’s a million degrees out like it was yesterday. Because there’s nothing you wanna do more with your Saturday then aimlessly walk around in a sweaty mess of humanity that’s having the time of their life eating funnel cakes.

    And if you think there’s a lot of able-bodied people who despise exercise and ride around in those Walmartmobiles at Disney, wait till you see the Big E. These people are EVERYWHERE!!

    And they always expect you to get out of their way in order to accommodate their laziness.

    Some of these models of fitness have even hitched wagons to their hot rides

    And the outfits are SPECTACULAR!! When heading to the Big E it’s sometimes hard to figure out what to wear. Do I go with the “Because Roadkill” shirt

    The wicked pissah shirt

    The barefooted hippie with cut off jorts look

    Because it’s not like you could pick up any kind of diseases walking around barefoot at the Big E.

    Others prefer the loafers with socks look

    Combat boots

    The purple gypsy pants ensemble

    The “failure is always an option” shirt

    Whatever this is supposed to be

    The “I’m a hardo and I’ll totally kick your ass if you exercise your First Amendment rights” shirt

    What?

    The grundle grabbing green monster outfit

    The “I’m white, but I’m one of the good ones” shirt

    The pizza dress moomoo with matching Jordan’s

    The megjorts

    The titties and beer shirt

    The “I’m hungry and the only thing that will fix it is more fried dough” shirt

    And many more….

    There’s a lot of shit for sale at the Big E that you could really use too. I’m talking the essentials. Like stickers and signs

    Cell phone accessories you don’t need

    “Designer” sunglasses for $10 that some guy bought at Walmart and put an Oakley’s sticker on

    Dog food

    Honey bee miracle cream

    Gigantic hot tub tents

    Beds

    Recliners

    Glue

    I mean, who wouldn’t wanna spend their Saturday watching a demonstration about glue?

    Ice scrapers

    Knives

    And if that’s not good enough for you, adventure knives

    Nail fungus eliminator

    Which is more than likely a best seller, considering the high volume of people wandering around that quite likely list nail fungus as one of their biggest issues.

    Aqua cannons

    Mud something

    Mops

    Complete with demonstrations about how to use mops

    Bootleg gold chains

    More hot tubs

    Beef jerkey

    Vacuums

    Bath filters

    Toe rings

    Skinny wallets

    Big belly banks

    Possibly stolen hotel sheets

    Psychic palm readings

    People who “make your hand”

    Because that’s a thing a normal person would want in their house. A lifesize recreation of their hand.

    What else do you get for your $15 entry fee? The right to pay $5 to have your picture taken in a big ass chair

    The right to look at a small horse

    If you’re hard of hearing then the Big E has you covered. Most of these gypsy peddlers have attached microphones to their faces and use them all the time, even if they are speaking to only 1 or 2 people who are directly in front of them.

    The only thing more fun than watching infomercials on TV is watching them in person!!

    After you’ve had your fill of microphoned strangers trying to sell you things you don’t need it’s time to head to the next exhibition. Along the way you will run into grizzled men who walk with lit cigarettes in their mouth without using any hands.

    And the world famous Big E marching band.

    Then you’ll end up at the agriculture building. Because there’s nothing more that I wanna do on a beautiful Saturday in September than inhaling cow shit fumes. Once you’re inside you can do wicked fun things, like stare at overcrowded sheep pens

    And say hello to the KKK sheep

    And the sad green sheep

    Let me tell ya, the crowd goes WILD during the cow show in there, so get to your seat early.

    If you have enough time you can wander over to the main event, where nice girls parade their sheep in circles while wearing all wool outfits they made on a 90 degree day.

    While an old guy in a cowboy hat narrates about the kind of wool they’re wearing.

    Don’t forget to hit up the New England state houses, so you can walk in a circle with a thousand other people and look at bunch of stuff from Vermont and Rhode Island that you have no intention of buying.

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    Finally, you can head over to the coliseum and watch rich girls jump over fences with their horses while judgmental old women deduct points.

    Let me tell ya, it’s a real blast. Try to tell me these guys aren’t having the time of their life.

    You can’t.

    So yea, if you like to pay $15 to get in, and then another $10-20 for parking, in order to navigate your way through seas of abled bodied people in motorized scooters, watch mop demonstrations, smell goat shit, and eat copious amounts of fried dough while wearing your “Because Roadkill” t-shirt, then head on down to the Big E. If not, then stay home and never, ever go this cesspool of humanity ever again.

     

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    Discussion

    1. Bfunk


      I’m pretty sure I’d rather die of untreated hepatitis C than be one of those infomercial people that do the fair circuits demonstrating supers choppers or lifetime guaranteed mop heads. Prostitution or panhandling would probably be a more enjoyable and less soul crushing lifestyle..poor fuckers.

      1. Sharon Cox


        Well good thing no one is putting a gun to you and Turtleboy’s head and making you go, hardo. The Big E is basically an event where you go to eat and people watch once a year. What a terrible concept!! What do you do for fun so I can get on your “cool” bandwagon and be as awesome as you and Turtleboy?

        1. Sloppy


          Haha, you’re white trash.

      2. Haboo


        Awesome. Just awesome. I like the Amish Muslim outfit.

      3. Habeseeinya


        “The KKK sheep”. The best line this year.

    2. Art Fag


      Do they accept EBT?
      If not it’s a untapped revenue goldmine judging by their clientele. Those folks look loaded with food stamps. Hope they vote Democrat!

    3. Enlightened


      What a country we live in where millions of dollars is wasted at events like this. Imagine if that money was spent on something that mattered? The USA is a nation of waste and excess.

      1. Habeseeinya


        God Bless the USA!

      2. J R PoopnShoot


        You forgot one thing. You DO get something for your entry fee. THE BEST PEOPLE WATCHING in the whole northeast, maybe even the country! God bless merrrica! god bless the bigEz.

    4. Sam Disney


      Haha Turtleboy. You’re a good dude for taking your wife to something she wanted to do. You’re right about everything about the BIG E but it still kind of a fun time; with the people watching and the sad product displays. And nothing wrong with once-a-year fried dough!

    5. Art Fag


      Where else is there a gathering this large of Patriots fans outside of a game day? It’s a ocean of townies who smell like baked cod. Simpletons.

    6. Drylaw


      WOW, now I know where the Hampton Beach crowd goes after Labor DAy as they work their way south towards warmer weather in the winter. I can never unsee these images!

    7. Sharon Cox


      Christ this is when I am not a fan of Turtleboy. Everything is always so negative and full of “losers” in his eyes. I go every year to the Big E to enjoy the food and people watch. It is a fine event that is well worth the cheap cost. Get over yourself, TB.

      1. wabbitt


        Not a fan, yet here you are clicking on blogs and generating ad revenue.

        Cry more.

      2. BlackandWhite


        @Sharon Cox – Then don’t come here!! Pretty simple.

      3. Sharon Cox


        I’m curios if wabbit and BlackandWhite are just stupid or if you just have a reading comprehension problem….it’s like dealing with idiot 4th graders.
        If you morons actually READ what I posted, I said “this is WHEN I am not a fan of Turtleboy”. I didn’t say, “this is WHY I am not a fan of Turtleboy” or “I am NOT a fan of Turtleboy”.
        Why don’t you read at a 5th grade level you may learn something.
        And to your stupid point BlackandWhite – don’t like the Big E don’t go. You and Turtleboy.
        And go be stupid more somewhere else, wabbit.

    8. JDizzle


      Thank you for bringing
      Blogging this. I can show this to my family and tell them we don’t have to go since we just seen it all here!

    9. Art Fag


      I -fEEl- like the big E could use some more curtural diversity!
      Imagine the fun to be had by all!

      1. Art Fag


        Cultural

    10. Matthew D'Agostino


      I haven’t been to the Big E in a few years, and was honestly hemming and hawing about it until I read this blog entry. This has removed any uncertainty in my decision to possibly attend this year. The one strong suit is that it does serve as an excellent exhibit of mindless zombies, but with a relatively steep price tag, I can people find other places to people watch at little to no cost

    11. Too white for me


      Clearly the big e needs to check its white privledge. If I didn’t know better I’d say this looks like a white supremacist carnival, only thing missing is the cross burning contest! Aren’t we better than this?!? Let’s BLACKEN UP BIG E PEOPLE!

    12. Art Fag


      Well, I do like all the Fat Boys there.
      They look yummy.

    13. chrissy


      the “I’m a hardo and I’ll totally kick your ass if you exercise your First Amendment rights” shirt

      lmao brilliant post and the sheep are soooooooooooio cute! (not the humans)

    14. The Vorlon


      Isn’t the Skinny Wallet people also known as the Democrat party?

      1. Stunt Penis


        I think by default anyone who attends the Big E has a “skinny wallet” after they pay the exorbitant entry and parking fees — so who needs to buy something called a ‘skinny wallet’ which does nothing but make your wallet even skinnier than when you entered the fairgrounds?

    15. Sonny's Mom


      Oh c’mon, Turtleboy, it’s a THING!

    16. wabbitt


      I can smell the butt hurt in the comments from here.

    17. juror seven esq.


      Saw the Reader’s Digest version of this last Sunday. Coming back from Palmer made the mistake of taking Route 20 rather than the Pike. 3:30 in the afternoon. Flea market closing down. Fried Dough, Pizza, Taco’s, Hot Dogs, popcorn. Best of all seafood. Sure, nothing like fried clams from a cart hitched to the back of a pick-up truck. Some of the junk for sale looked like it washed a shore after hurricane Irma. Believe it or not people were walking back to their cars with it.

    18. Bob E Lee


      A Carnies fantasyland, they’ve really pegged their target demographic here in New England with all the Gypsy con men, swamp yankees given a limitless supply of thick headed local stooges. Somehow, I’m not surprised in the least that this is a local institution.

    19. WesternMAmama


      Wow.. you are insanely negative! You must be absolutely PERFECT to judge so many people and an event that has been going on for over 100 years! Plus considering over 100,000 people were there yesterday, the 10 or 20 people you took pictures of are definitely a huge portion of the population…. great job. It’s a place to go to have fun.. they have concerts, good food (not just funnel cake and fried dough… which is always a treat to have once a year…), animal competitions that people practice and work hard for, rides for kids, etc. If you are going to write an opinionated blog, throw positives in there. You may not like it but if you ask your kids or others that attended the Big E, I’m sure they could give you a list.

      1. Sharon Cox


        I 100% agree with you WesternMAmama! I love Turtleboy but gimme a break. I go to the Big E every year and I am so far from being white trash or any other label TB wants to throw on me (good job acting like a liberal with your identity politics BS, btw).
        I go simply to eat and people watch. The food alone is always worth the price. Having said that the thing does not change at all year in and year out but so what? I don’t go there expecting any more than good food, a few beers, maybe a piglet race and some people watching. Wow, so horrible.
        Where was TB at yesterdays “sTART” nonsense?! Where’s that blog, TB?!? Talk about a mutant fest!! Was that Middle Earth or Worcester yesterday??!! Bunch of loser!! LOL!!

    20. They call me Ponch


      Never been to the Big E and I feel like a better person.

      * Those are logging boots not combat boots. They are the Official Footwear of The Big E.

    21. Nutsy Fagin


      Geez Turtleboy, we were there yesterday too. How come we aren’t in any of your pictures? I guess we are just not weird enough.

    22. hahahaohreally


      Turtleboy, please, please, please send someone to The King Richard’s Fair. I can only image the glorious right up and pictures for that place!!

    23. Buster


      Slow page loads will kill you turtleboy. Loading this page is like watching the Pitch Drop Experiment.

    24. Kristin


      Wow! Whoever you are, please never go to any outdoor event again, as your perfection will most certainly ruin the experience for all the peasant folk in attendance.
      I like that you posted pictures of those you deemed unworthy. I had no idea this was the blog of the most beautiful man and his family in the world. Can you share a link to your modeling card? Or maybe you are a fitness model? I mean you went hard to visit every fried dough stand. Sharing with readers your apathetic disgust that their would be more than one stand to serve over 100,000 people a day. Damn it all to those who planned this catastrophe out!

      As for the scooters, I’ll leave that alone because you’ve clearly used your medical degree to validate that all those people,
      Whom you’ve personally talked with and examined, are just lazy. Maybe you are the medics psychic and you can diagnose just by looking at someone.

      That’s my favorite part, aside from the photos you took where you insulted people and couldn’t be bothered to blur their faces. I hope when you had them sign their consent forms, you included a line about how you’d let them know the pictures was so you could pass judgement and share an assanine comment because not only are you the most attractive man in the world, you are the most well dressed thereby making you highly qualified to judge others.

      What a joy you must have been at Disney. Turning the happiest place on earth into a bitch fest about that shithead mouse and his overpriced entertainment!

      1. Troubled Nostrils


        Kristin, what brand and model of personal mobility scooter do you drive? And just how wide is your ass?

      2. livesinlowell


        What if all the things you just said about turtleboy was true? A good looking well dressed doctor that knows whats best for everyone. You’d be full on jelly.

        Side note, I am glad I don’t have to attend events like this to appease someone.

        1. chrissy


          lol lowell! nice comeback!!!

      3. Buy a shamwow


        Lighten up, Kristin. Its called humor.

    25. Bill Clinton


      The blonde center frame of view in IMG_0773.png is quite tasty and very doable, and the blonde at the CutCo table (IMG_0668.png) has quite a nice ass and would be quite fun to spank doggy style while pulling her hair (where I come from, we call that type of hair ‘reins’ — hold on and enjoy the ride!)

      1. Hi, Im Willie


        Both too old for Mr. Hilary, who regularly travels to Haiti and the D. R. for yung-uns.

    26. ?


      A jolly trip to the Orange County Fair in Middletown, NY is pretty much the same. Figuring out between where the goat piss stench is worst is probably the highlight of these fairs. Sad to say, these once a year events have become outlets for obese media morons (like those numpnuggets on WPDH FM 101.5) to brag about fried dough, while pimping the masses of human sheep to plunk down $20 or so to see the ones with four legs and go ”baa.”

    27. Stunt Penis


      A booth selling NASCAR memorabilia would make a killing at a redneckfest like this.

    28. Murt Burful


      Titties
      And
      Beer

    29. Anon.


      Did anyone go in and see the World’s Smallest Horse?

      1. Shock N' Aweshit


        No, but I did see the World’s Tallest Midget. That little feller was about 5′ 9′ or 10′ – damnedest thing I ever saw!

        1. Anon.


          Lol!

    30. Paula Bentley


      So much time and energy put into yet another public message of negativity, something callous, judgmental and inaccurate.  I was going to just ignore it, but the frustration it instilled in me wouldn’t go away.  Perhaps some of those people were just trying to be plain funny, with the messages on their shirts?  God forbid…. 

      I’ve lived in West Springfield my whole life, make six figures, and look forward to the Big E every year.  The Big E, where there are certain foods you can’t get anywhere else.  Certain mini-concerts that are unique each year, daily parades providing hundreds of students something to feel proud about, the amusement park rides..…but I’m sure I’m just wasting my breath here.   And yes we have fried dough – once a year.  We don’t have it as 50% of our daily diet as you stated, one of your many inaccurate statements, just meant to insult.  Such a waste of a blogger.  If only the world would follow the old adage – if you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up.

      1. Michael.


        I’m glad you had time to say something about this nasty person. Enjoy the BIG E.

      2. chrissy


        ” Such a waste of a blogger. If only the world would follow the old adage – if you don’t have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up.”

        you failed to follow the adage…

    31. Michael.


      Shame on you for putting every day people down. I guess his created you above all others. Shame on you for making the last wish a person might have…to visit the big E. I have cancer and I enjoy the fair. Am I a durt bag now??? I dare you to talk to me in person, then decide if I’m pond scum for enjoying my time at a fair,with people of all shapes and disabilities. Shame on you for being the only perfect being on this planet.

    32. Sharon Cox


      Can’t wait for your blog on the mutant fest that was that lame sTART event over the weekend TB!! Talk about a scene out of a WalMart in Kentucky at midnight!!
      Oh wait, my guess is we won’t see one from you…..it’s only funny to knock a 100 year old event on the other side of the state. Heaven forbid you ever write about ANY event in Worcester, you jackass.
      I used to like you but not so much anymore. Eventually if you keep being an ass and play identity games you’ll insult everyone and no longer have fans. Pick your battles, TB. Knocking the Big E isn’t one of them.

      1. Sharon Cox


        I remember your awesome blog pointing out all the *ahem* “colorful” characters at the Gay Pride parade last week! Oh wait, you didn’t post one! Because at the end of the day you’re a gutless turd. I used to think you were cool TB, but now I think you’re nothing but a coward and a phony.

      2. Art Fag


        Hmm… Sharon Cocks, sounds familiar? Don’t I know you? Mmm, could be. Then then again I share a lot of cock myself

    33. Worm


      I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off at many parts of this post. I grew up in West Side and remember enjoying the annual trip to the Big E to ride dangerous rides put together and operated by tweakers. It was a good time – for what it is. Nothing like firing down 6,000 calories and watching .38 Special in concert with a bunch of The Hills Have Eyes mofos from Athol, Ware, etc. It’s been 20 years or so, but this blog post makes me want to check it out next time I come home for a visit. In fairness, the lobster roll at the Maine building is legit.

    34. Sloppy


      Dear people from Western Mass who got mad at Turtleboy for writing this,

      How many of you:

      Are less than 50 pounds overweight, and/or weigh more than your wife if you’re a married man
      Own a passport (other than specifically getting one for some boring Caribbean island where you walked around for 6 hours {and were reminded of the Big E} because the shitty cruise ship you went on stopped there)
      Have never brought a dish of that crappy Westernmassariffic kielbasa-cooked-in-grape-jelly-and-ketchup slop to a potluck
      Consider Jack & Jill parties to be tacky, especially at Polaski Halls
      Don’t consider going into Boston to be an excursion worthy of Lewis & Clark
      Don’t think the 99 Restaurant would be a bad place to bring a girlfriend for an anniversary
      Don’t only drink Bud Light, but sometimes drink “microbrews” like Shocktop and Blue Moon
      Aren’t marking a calendar until the casino opens in Springfield

      Not many of you?
      Thought so.

    35. Beth


      I’ve been hearing about The Big E for years and how I need to go and check it out.

      Thanks to you TB… I can cross that fiasco right off my bucket list! P.s your commentary was hilarious! Thank you!

    36. AdOps Guy


      I work in the online advertising industry so I understand that you are just trying to maximize ad revenue but it is fucking brutal how slow your pages load. You are over doing it. You are going to make less money if users are bouncing from the page because it cant even load on a mobile phone, let alone a desktop.

    37. Kat


      So, you went to the Big E just looking for things to complain abou? Your wife is one lucky lady! Before you went there you were already expecting to be disappointed, so you purposely walk around and make fun of other people who are there just to have fun.

      By the way, that doesn’t say “Bath filters”, those are “Bath Fitters”. It’s a company.

    38. Rene Rossini-Koch


      As a locals who grew up in the area, we expect the usual BS when going to the Big E. I continue to visit, maybe not every year, and I’ve never left saying it’s my last time. Of course it’s a freak show, one of the reasons I love it! Sure, stuff is overpriced, it’s crowded, and I don’t like being accosted by a stranger trying to give me a massage, but sometimes I run into someone I haven’t seen in years or find the perfect gift for someone. I’ve seen some awesome free concerts at the Big E. Spent a day with my kids, a friend, or a new boyfriend. I’ve gone down the big, yellow slide too many times to count and had my picture taken and made into a keychain. Bottom line, most of the people attending the Big E know what to expect and it’s not mandatory you attend. As a matter of fact, we don’t want you to come back if you think it’s so terrible. I’ll be there, beer in one hand and a fried dough in the other looking at the chicks hatch in the Farm-A-Rama!

    39. The Great Dolemite


      Where all the niggaz be at?

    40. Ugly ass white girl


      Oh my god….I’m so afraid of going to the Big E and have my ugly ass plastered on TB now! Thanks for the morning dose of paranoia TB!

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