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This Fupa-laden Bristol Mom-Teenager Brawl At A Public Park Is The Most Ratchet Fight Video We’ve Ever Seen And Explains Why Aaron Hernandez Turned Into An Animal

This Fupa-laden Bristol Mom-Teenager Brawl At A Public Park Is The Most Ratchet Fight Video We’ve Ever Seen And Explains Why Aaron Hernandez Turned Into An Animal

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Aaron Hernandez became a serial killer after growing up in the dump known as Bristol, Connecticut. This Turtleboy has never been there before, but after reading this story and watching the video that comes along with it, it seems like a magical land of splendor and enchantment:

Police are investigating after several videos of a fight among a group of women at a Bristol park went viral. Police said the fight happened Monday evening around 6:45 p.m at Rockwell Park near Muzzy field. One video, shot by Malakai Powell, was uploaded Monday. It shows several minutes of skate boarding in Rockwell Park. About 1 1/2 minutes in, the shot switches to a group of women arguing as they stand around a Buick Lacrosse. About three minutes into the video, a fight breaks out among at least a half dozen women. The women threw punches. One woman had her blouse pulled off, and others pulled at the clothing of another woman.

“I think a mom was defending her daughter and like breaking up a fight that had happened and I guess it just escalated and they all just jumped out and started beating each other up,” said Cleaves.

A number of people, most of whom appeared to be in their teens, were recording the fight on video cameras. Several other videos of the fight were uploaded to social media sites. Eventually the fight ends and one of the participants drives off in the Buick. Bristol Mayor Ken Cockayne told FOX61 the videos were brought to his attention first thing Tuesday morning. He said the city is taking it very seriously and that this incident is not an accurate portrayal of Bristol as a whole. Bristol Police say they are working to identify the people in the video. Anyone with information is asked to call the police department at 860-584-3000.


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Fupasloth everywhere!!


Damn. No wonder Aaron Hernandez wanted to kill everyone. I would too if I had to grow up around these lurchbeasts. Let’s go to the play by play….

It begins when this gaggle of canklesauruses is arguing, presumably over who stole whose food stamps:

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The outfits are already amazing. We see the gingerbread Mom has worn her pink Chuck Taylors and busted out the Memorial day shorts early this year. Not to be outdone by the gravy dumpster with the calf tattoos, spandex, and triple X oversized Wal-Mart brand t-shirt. Of course this chick was the real MVP:

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Look at that splendorous display of fashion in the heart of the Nutmeg State. What am I gonna wear to the park today? Oh I know, my bright red cocktail dress, which I’ll curl up into a knot to make it look less formal on the bottom. It will complement my new Payless shoes, arm sleeve, and Newport Lights so nicely on this beautiful day. Zero point zero percent chance she’s wearing underwear.

Naturally the taller mother of the year candidate is being held back by her teenage daughter, who appears to be the only reasonable one in this Puerto Ratchet standoff:

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At this point a group of children (it was broad daylight in a public park after all) started watching. Now at this point a normal group of mothers would drag their teenage children out of there and deescalate the situation. Not these Bristol Palinites though. They let the kids continue beefing until the conflict was resolved:

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As the hens kept on clucking and airing their respected grievances, the anxious crowd of children with iPhones, hoping to become World Star famous, were entertained by another kid doing wheelchair wheelies:

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Perfectly normal.

Not to be outdone, another local junior hoodrat treated the crowd to some more wheelies:

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And in general there was a never ending supply of kids riding around on bikes that are much too small for them:

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And when you see kids on bikes that were built for five year olds, you know your town has officially become ghettofabulous. At this point I already know everything I need to know about Bristol. Aaron Hernandez is from there, ESPN is there, and there’s kids riding around on their my six year old brother’s bicycles. If ISIS ever invaded America, this is where they’d banish the infidels to.

Anyway, it seemed like these cheesehogs were never gonna throw down and give the crowd what they wanted to see, despite the guarantees of this Rhodes scholar:

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And just so you know exactly what a cesspool of debauchery Bristol is, a random beatup pickup truck appears out of nowhere, and a couple local Cleetuses were riding in tow, slapping the side of the truck, while another one of Bristol’s finest held onto the back while riding a skateboard and inhaling the toxic fumes for no apparent reason:

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Soon after that they interviewed a couple 10 year olds about the bootleg burnout they just witnessed, and they basically just said the n word a bunch of times and laughed it off as another day in the town that Aaron Hernandez built.

Now that the halftime show was over it was time to get back to deciding who was the Ratchet Queen of Bristol. A couple new contestants emerged, including this opinionated gynoceros:

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And the sneaky chick who creeped up out of nowhere in her finest Bristol business casual-ware:

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AKA Pajama pants and a hoodie. As soon as someone shows up in pajama pants, you know a fight is about to start. That’s just science. And right on cue this chick got the ball rolling with some slaptacular blows to her opponent’s grillpipe:

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Then the gingerbread Mom came in and dragged her daughter out of there. LOL. Just kidding, she saw someone else trying to jump in and she elbowed them in the face as another kid stood there with a huge smile on his face as he thought about how many hits this was gonna get on Instaface:

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Then the gingerbread Mom did what any normal Mom would do in this situation – started pulling the gravy dumpster’s hair into submission:

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And let me tell ya – this cheeshog wasn’t going down easy. It was clear that the Thightanic she was grappling was going down with the crew, so the junior hoodrat in the New Jersey sweatshirt came to her defense:

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But she got stiffarmed by the Marshawn Grinch:

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That’s when the pajamaraptor jumped in and started throwing haymakers too:

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Because when you’re wearing pajama pants at a fight between a mother, her cubs, and the hyeenas who have threatened them, there’s a 0.0% chance you’re not jumping in.

But alas it did no good as this immovable force of nature held her ground like a Wal-mart employee on Black Friday.

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Notice in the background there is a male in a blue shirt preparing to deliver one of several punches to the back of an unsuspecting female’s head. That would be this buttnut from the back of the truck earlier:

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One can assume that he has some sort of familial relations to these creatures of the wild. And naturally he sees nothing wrong with punching a girl in the back of the head while she’s not looking. And because he punches like the little dicked bitch that he no doubt is, his blows did no good and he had to resort to fighting like the little dicked bitch that he is by pulling her hair:

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But because he is the biggest pussy who has ever lived, he still got beat up by this girl who was also beating up his shirtless sister/girlfriend:

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Then he squares up like he’s gonna punch this chick in a one on one fight:

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But he realizes that despite the fact that she has no shoes and a vagina, the odds were still against him and his “stick it in here” pants, so he slowly backed away.

After that it was time for the Bristol Bikini show:

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Which of course involves the GED express in flip flops and jeans that look like they’d rather be sitting on a shelf in the Holyoke Mall.

Meanwhile the gingerbread Mom was still holding her ground, taking blows from the pajamaraptor and the gynoceros, and basically laughing it off like she’s King Koopa:

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Alas the gynoceros realized the fight with the fully grown adult ratchet was futile, so she moved onto the much more vulnerable offspring, who had yet to engage in fisticuffs up until this point. But it didn’t work out too well for her there either:

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After this the pajamaraptor came back to try to clean up the mess the gynoceros had started:

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Sensing her cub was in trouble the gingerbread Mom reappeared and gave the pajamaraptor a Bristol noogie with a complementary hairpull:

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At this point we figured out who was on whose team, because believe it or not this was not anarchy. There were two distinct, organized teams. Team A included the gingerbread Mom, her cub, and the slaptacular ratchet who started the whole thing. Team B included the woman beater, the shirtless wonder, the gynoceros, the New Jersey hoodie, and the pajamaraptor.

Sensing blood in the water the shirtless wonder, who was just lost a 2 on 1 fight with her brother, came over and went after the weaker prey:

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But unfortunately the more developed gym class superstar came in to defend her blood, and thus the shirtless wonder was forced to retreat:

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Unfortunately for her she did not realize she was walking directly into an idled motorized scooter, and she fell in hilarious fashion:

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After that it was time for the post fight interviews, which mostly consisted of junior hoodrats yelling “world star,” and the woman beater bragging about how he doesn’t mind “hitting bitches yo!!”

Anyway, if you like trap queens and ample amounts of fupa, then Bristol seems like a great place to visit. But quite frankly I’d rather live in Colrain. Just sayin. All I know is, it’s a miracle no one has identified anyone from this video. Maybe that’s because NBC thought this would be wise:

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Oh yea, that’s helpful. Blur out all their faces. Luckily Turtleboy Sports is real news and we can show you their real ratchet faces. Someone out there has to know who they are. We would LOVE to know their names so we can have some fun with them. Let us know.




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47 Comment(s)
  • John
    May 28, 2017 at 9:15 pm

    Hey I’m the kid who punched that broad talk all that shit you want come say it to my face you faggot ass bitch

  • Chris
    April 23, 2017 at 12:32 pm

    I live in bristol, in just about the only good block of houses left. We refer to the rest as the west end, the only good thing over there is well nothing. Even the hospital is a shithole. Can’t wait to get out of here.

  • Boku
    April 21, 2017 at 4:58 pm


    This is maybe 5 minutes from my apartment. These people are definitely Terryville residents using a Bristol park. Fkng hilarious though xDD

  • Lead Poisoning
    April 21, 2017 at 3:56 pm

    Everyone in this video should be executed, posthaste.

  • Independent Thinker
    April 21, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    Connecticut has some nice towns west of the Connecticut River, but all of their cities are the pits! Nothing but slums controlled by the gangs fighting over the drugs, all caused because the politicians allow it out of fear of offending someone if they actually speak the truth or try to do something about it. Besides, the hoodrats are the one who continue voting for many of these politicians.

    Not much can be said for the cities in Massachusetts, other than Boston, although from what I hear, Boston is having its share of problems. The trash has ruined Worcester and it’s spreading out into the burbs.

    • sharon evans
      April 21, 2017 at 2:13 pm

      Yes I agree, Farmington, Avon area and the shoreline very nice Litchfield county is gorgeous!! If you can afford these areas unfortunately Bristol is a shot and a beer town. Looking at this article I am very happy I moved to Florida and can be by the beach for a lot cheaper than living in ct

  • Joy
    April 21, 2017 at 11:36 am

    THIS was the funniest shit ever written up by TB. I have tears running down my face!!

  • Madcow not Rachel
    April 21, 2017 at 8:57 am

    Is the Whaling Industry aware of this blubber factory?????

  • sharon evans
    April 21, 2017 at 8:35 am

    OMG!! THis by far is one of the most funniest articles I ever read!! I am actually from Bristol CT and now living in Florida. Yes I moved from this place back in 2004. What you have reported is true. I actually go back here to visit my sister and trying to get her out of this place. I have sent your article to some former bristololians thank you so much!! I really made the right decision to move out of there!!!

  • Amelia Lecaine
    April 21, 2017 at 5:36 am

    I have never seen such trash in my life! I’m not talking about the fight in Bristol CT I’m outraged by whoever thought they could take an incident that was unfortunate, ( ALL THOSE WOMEN AND THEIR FRIENDS WERE FROM NEW BRITAIN CT fyi) and bash the CITY I was born and raised in. I nor would any one of my children, friends, or family would engage in such ignorance unless to defend ourselves physically. I have been going to Rockwell Park for years, it’s nice, you only show the front parking lot. So who the check are you tho long your so much better? Lastly, HOW DARE YOU blame the heartbreaking, and very unfortunate death of Aaron Hernandez. He grew up and thrived in Bristol, his Best years in High School before the NFL were right in Bristol right next to Rockwell Park at the Muzzy football field. He has a wonderful family so to say he killed himself over this dumb LITTLE fight between some broads is insane and makes me sick and makes me wanna talk to whoever wrote this garbage article. No-one wants a fight but this one fight does not define an entire CITY. Oh ya, and your right you have NEVER Been here. The Waterbury and NEW BRITAIN. People come and ruin Bristol and that needs to stop. What is worse is blaming Aaron Hernandez’s death on some petty peole arguing. So since I grew up here in Bristol and get into any type of a disagreement whatsoever, I’m the reason Hernandez died? Do you hear how you sound? Dud you read what you wrote? Shaking my head! Shame on this website and you put in more drama and gossip then anyone. Watch what you say. I thought I was getting info. On an article I stumbled upon about my local park, not a reason for the tragic incident that happened!
    Very Upset and Angry
    Bristol CT.
    Rest in Peace Aaron Hernandez.

    • April 21, 2017 at 11:34 am

      Wow you’re mighty fucking stupid so I hope you’re either hot or suck a good dick. That’s the only way you will survive in this world.

    • Get Over Yourself Amelia
      April 21, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      Hope you don’t have anything on FaceBook, Amelia! Otherwise, you just made yourself “fodder” for The Turtle!

      Hernandez was second-rate, and couldn’t get “the hood” out of his system! Once a banger, always a banger (even when you’ve been given a $40 million contract). A fool! Good riddance! Burn in Hell!!!

    • MrSmiley
      April 21, 2017 at 12:32 pm

      I can’t believe you took that part of the title seriously. I don’t usually talk ill of the dead buuuut….. Fuck Aaron Hernandez, he was a coward plain and simple pledged allegiance to himself and the gang. He’s just like all the other thuglets with hand cannons going after people for no good reasons. I wish he got stabbed instead.

    • One pissed off reader
      April 21, 2017 at 9:03 pm

      You took the words right out of my mouth. The writer of this obviously has no idea on how wrong he is to have said over half the BS he said. And the fiesty turtle chick definitely doesn’t have any brains and intelligence to understand what and why you said what you said and that’s why she said your stupid. Lmao

    • Bottyrock
      April 28, 2017 at 12:05 am

      No this fight doesn’t define your entire city. Aaron’s suicide does.

      “Thrived in Bristol”

      ~translation: sold his first dime, held his first gun, said n$gga for the first time

      I guess we have two different definitions of thriving.

  • Mike Morgan
    April 21, 2017 at 2:28 am

    The aggregate IQ of this pack of wild shit bum posers is less than that of a Bruce Jenner’s current sperm count. Thank God for natural selection, these rubes are steadily inhaling on the filters of the Kool butts they scavenged off the rough & tumble streets of Bristol, CT… So, so, ghetto… The earth is doomed… Fuckouttahere

  • Ty
    April 20, 2017 at 11:39 pm

    So glad I dediced to actually play the video.

    On a side note, just sayin’ all races of people chilling, laughing and getting along in the background. Just the idiots involved having a bad day. Kinda nice to see

  • BD
    April 20, 2017 at 10:48 pm

    Funniest play by play ever! Stomach hurts from laughing so hard.

  • ElJefe72
    April 20, 2017 at 9:26 pm

    Damn, I tell you what, I definitely wouldn’t want to mess with Mama Bigfoot in the pink shirt. She can certainly hold her own.

    • CHUCKY
      April 21, 2017 at 8:54 am

      She a Biker.

  • Brittany
    April 20, 2017 at 9:02 pm

    TB’s name-calling game is on point. Can we go out for drinks at Scottie’s Pub in Fall River and make fun of the fupasloths there? It’s the Mecca for Pajamaraptors.

  • vvvv
    April 20, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Classy!!! Fucktards

  • Sterlingsilva
    April 20, 2017 at 7:36 pm

    Great camera work, these things are usually terrible
    Marshawn Grinch – love it!
    Mama bear can brawl

    Wait – is this in the United States???

  • Chip Striker
    April 20, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    I would drop ISIS off there and hope they do their thing.

  • Bristol Kids Suck
    April 20, 2017 at 5:19 pm

    Looks like blue pussy boy’s sister walked over by NJ ratchet and was doing something to the back of the car when the first blow was struck. Many eyes were focused on the back of the car just prior. Even that ugly ratchet black eyeglass girl was looking with her mouth agape, eyes open wide and then laughing like she couldn’t believe what pussy boy’s sister was doing.

  • Turtle
    April 20, 2017 at 4:57 pm

    Amazing commentary…great way to cap off my 4/20

  • lil birdie
    April 20, 2017 at 4:08 pm

    You got that wrong TB. A cocktail dress has rhinestones or sequins. This chic would have bedazzled the shit out of it, written “Diva” across the back for her big karaoke debut. She’s wearing this dress ’cause her other clothes have puke or piss on them.

  • Stu Pidazzo
    April 20, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    I haven’t read such entertaining fight coverage since the late, great Howard Cosell.

    Down goes gynoceros! Down goes gynoceros! Down goes gynoceros!

    Thanks TB!

    • Lightning bug
      April 20, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Pajamaraptor fights back.

    • Talisman
      April 20, 2017 at 4:43 pm

      I guess it’s too much to ask to move this vagislug brigade to the top of the extermination list.

  • Steven Stover
    April 20, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    Democrat run state. EBT cards for votes. The entire place will end up being a Lawrence.

  • dgaf
    April 20, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    lmaooo yes!

  • It's Just Pat!
    April 20, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    That “dude” with the blue shirt and hat, with two earrings: Are you sure that’s a guy? I thought it was just an ugly woman with no breasts and a huge grudge! And “poofed” boxers! YIKES!

    Is its name “Pat”?

    Time for Androgyny!

  • Bristol's Finest?
    April 20, 2017 at 12:50 pm

    This is FIELD DAY for TurtleBoy!!! As soon as the names are out on these losers we can expect a multitude of follow-up stories!!! This is going to be great!!! I just cannot wait!!!

    Nothing else to do in Bristol, CT? Warm weather is here so the ratchets are out in full force!!

    • CHUCKY
      April 21, 2017 at 8:47 am

      I have all there names and gave them to the right people, BPD

      • Mr. Pickles
        April 21, 2017 at 12:15 pm

        You dirty little rat. Knowing was seriously hurt amd not a single weapon was pulled out it was kept old school and know one wanted to press charges on the other. Why would you feel the need to bring the police in something that isn’t any of your business. I understand it is a park. But seriously if your from bristol them you know how odd it is no weapons were pulled to begin with. I say just let it go.

  • bigdaddy
    April 20, 2017 at 12:35 pm

    Luckily they were all able to get the same day off from work

  • Mensa members
    April 20, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Obviously this happens when their meeting was canceled.

  • JoeMomma
    April 20, 2017 at 11:34 am

    Is Whale Wars still on TV? This footage would be the most action they have ever had on that show.

  • Turd Burglestein
    April 20, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Finally!!!! A fight video recorded on landscape mode instead of portrait. Thank you whoever video this.

    April 20, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Thank you Turtleboy, I was having a rather challenging day but the article made me realize there are a lot more people that have it alot worse than me and are basically less evolved than me or normal people in general. So now I can go back to work with a smile. I’m pretty sure that the woman beater with the earing and LaCoste hat is 100% Homo sexual so I’m not sure what the rules are on Homo vs Woman fisticuffs they may be ok

  • D
    April 20, 2017 at 11:21 am

    This is amazing! I will watch this 25 more times just to make sure I caught everything. There is so much going on here. I just wish there was a Santa Claus on the sideline and this would be perfect!!!

    • D
      April 20, 2017 at 11:47 am

      Like the wheelchair wheelie at 1:36!

      So many Easter eggs!!

    • Hughbo Mont
      April 20, 2017 at 1:31 pm

      And Pee Wee Herman.

  • ThrewUpInMyMouth
    April 20, 2017 at 11:21 am

    Are they still considered skinny jeans if your fat ass is busting them at the seams?

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