Hoodrat Heroes

Thongnado Eviscerates And Dog Walks Patron At Fifth Alarm Strip Club In Springfield In Perhaps The Greatest Stripper Fight Of All Time

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The Fifth Alarm is the most ratchet of all the Springfield strip clubs, and quite the accomplishment. Whenever they’re in the news, it’s almost aways really, really, really bad news.

We blogged about them last year after some ratchet got blue balled from a lap dance and refused to pay for the services rendered. Everything about this place is so Springfield it hurts.


Screen Shot 2017-05-05 at 6.49.29 PM


Well, they’re back on Turtleboy after this video popped up on the interwebs, showing what appears to be the International Sisterhood of Springfield Exotic Dancers engaging in gland to gland combat with some out of control patrons, one of whom messes with the wrong stripper.

That’s what happens when you try to tip your dancer with food stamps. Kind of hard to see what happens at first, so you had to follow the wall of thongs as it surrounded its prey.

They were likely fighting over mating rights for the guy with the gray hoodie, and you’ll notice that right here you can see a woman on the left, while a stripper in a green thong one piece holds back another member of Holyoke GED Express on the right.

That’s when Whoriqua attempts to hit one of the strippers, leading to the Thongnado dog walking that ho.

I’ve seen a lot of ratchet chick fights, especially since I’ve started working at Turtleboy. Usually it’s just some hair pulling and weak punches that don’t really connect. But Thongnado was a force of nature, the likes of which we’ve never seen before. She channeled her super ratchet powers and instantly made Whoriqua regret ever trying to fuck with a Springfield stripper.


I’m not even sure what was happening there, but very rarely do you actually hear the satisfying sound of fist on chickbone at full speed that Thongnado gave us.


If your line of defense when fighting a stripper is to try to take her clothes off, it probably won’t stop her from beating your ass. Because most of the time she’s there she doesn’t have clothes on anyway.

This is how you get a raise as a stripper in Springfield. There will be no mercy at the Fifth Alarm. Guaranteed she went on stage and finished her shift immediately afterwards. That’s just stripper code.

When she was all done the poor chick from the day shift was like, “da fuq we pose a do with this body now?”

The bottom line is, if you’re gonna fuck with a stripper do it at Club Castaway. Greenfield strippers are nearly as vicious as their sisters in Springfield.

Do any turtle riders recognize Thongnado? Those ass cheeks are pretty distinct. Surely some guy in a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat must recognize them. She might’ve been the girl in your 5th period English class in high school who only came to school on Tuesdays. We’d love to speak with her, and possibly have her, or anyone else involved in this donnybrook, on the live show.

25 Comment(s)
  • Whoricua
    December 3, 2018 at 11:39 pm

    I found out a girl from high school was on backpage.com so while trolling to find her ad I noticed every black prostitute said “I love older white men!” Some ads from all nationalities went as far as to add the disclaimer “no black men” because allegedly black men don’t pay, try to rob you & are notoriously stingy!

  • Reddit Rob
    December 3, 2018 at 8:07 pm

    With all the mentally damaged women we have here in this country and the rise of the internet over the past 20+ years, there is no reason to visit a strip club and pay $12/beer and have to tip women to take their clothes off. They graciously do it for free in exchange for the attention they receive. Its a win win in my book. Of course you have some ladies out there that have the old school stripper mentality which is pay me to get naked (cam girls) but thats often followed with them thinking they are sex workers, lol. I pay $40 a month for wireless internet and $50 for my cell phone. Go get your cut from verizon!

  • Linda
    December 3, 2018 at 5:54 pm

    She might’ve been the girl in your 5th period English class in high school who only came to school on Tuesdays.
    CLASSIC. Good job. LOL

  • WeAreFukd
    December 3, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    Immediately I thought as I looked at the first picture at the top of this blog…
    “Where all da white woman at?”

  • marilu
    December 3, 2018 at 2:32 pm

    all that & thongnado manages to not show her face? she definitely has ratchet superpowers

    • Kim Un Jong
      December 3, 2018 at 4:12 pm

      She was in a movie called the Ring

  • vice principal
    December 3, 2018 at 1:59 pm

    Went from shepherd hill class fights to strip club fights. Wow, great news. smh

  • Shtupah
    December 3, 2018 at 1:31 pm

    Did she actually sit on his head at one point? Cause I was wondering why he had a Coon Skin Cap on..

  • Kid in class who told the teacher she forgot to give homework
    December 3, 2018 at 10:34 am

    Ha ha! You forgot to censor a tit!

  • Turtz McGurtz
    December 3, 2018 at 10:33 am

    Never even heard of this place. Only Springfield clubs i know are Mardi Gras and the divey place next door to it.

  • Shameful boner
    December 3, 2018 at 10:09 am

    My user name says it all

  • Ungawah
    December 3, 2018 at 8:50 am

    Need to burn this shithole down and bury the rubble. Even then the pollution and snatch juices will poison the ground for centuries. This, people, are Jigaboos in their basest form.

  • Ebenezer Screw
    December 3, 2018 at 8:35 am

    That place needs to be sterilized.  Scratch that.  Springfield needs to be sterilized.  Feel like I caught something just by looking at this.

  • Red Fox
    December 3, 2018 at 7:28 am

    You could take these strippers’ faces, stick them in some dough, and make gorilla cookies.

    • Reggie Lemelin
      December 3, 2018 at 4:09 pm

      One of my all time favorites. Miss Fred G Sanford.

  • bigdaddy
    December 3, 2018 at 7:26 am

    Should be renamed the 5 alarm dumpster fire

  • Mahky Mahk Ballbag
    December 3, 2018 at 7:23 am

    These broads are giving stripping a bad name!

  • Malcolm McDowell
    December 3, 2018 at 7:11 am

    Not to sound racist but the first thing that came to mind was this could be the strip club in a Planet of the Apes movie

  • Every Real Man
    December 3, 2018 at 7:00 am


  • Clitty Litter
    December 3, 2018 at 6:47 am

    I think that’s the kid everyone called “flacito “ on the JV football team back in the day with some bootleg Caribbean implants.
    Looks like a fun place.

  • Independent Thinker
    December 3, 2018 at 6:15 am

    Not the best looking crowd.

  • Revrun Fishknuckle
    December 3, 2018 at 5:15 am

  • old man and a donut
    December 3, 2018 at 3:33 am

    What would happen if little ‘ol me, a middle age white guy, showed up at this place?

    • Rachetta
      December 3, 2018 at 8:59 pm

      As long as your money’s green, don’t matter.

    • Y
      December 3, 2018 at 9:43 pm

      You’d throw your little Weiner Schnitzel down the hallway, and then she’d ask you, “Is it in yet?”

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