All-Star Criminals

Top 15 Angriest Comments About Turtleboy’s Women’s March Blog

Turtleboy’s takes on the women’s march induced a lot of butthurt. Here’s the top 15 angriest comments.

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So the other day we wrote this blog about the indisputable fact that the only way to remove Donald Trump from power is for the democrats to win back Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin. And since the democrats lost all three of those normally safe states to a guy whose entire campaign was a never-ending joke, we wanted to offer some advice about how to win those states back. Because the strategy they’re using right now of parading up obnoxious celebrities like Lena Dunham, Amy Schumer, Madonna, and Ashley Judd, just isn’t working out right now. After all, Trump became President largely because of this failed strategy (and Russian hacking and fake news).

Thus we reiterated in the blog time and time again that the strategy was simple – convince 75,000 people who voted for Trump in MI, WI, and PA to switch teams next election. There’s never been an election strategy easier than that one.

But instead they had a women’s march, and they gave the microphone to some of the most insane, obnoxious women they could find. Madonna talked about blowing up the White House:

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Ashley Judd talked about how “blacks are still in shackles just because they’re black,” she “feels Hitler in these streets – a mustache replaced with a toupee – Nazis renamed the cabinet – electro conversion therapy the new gas chamber shaming the gay out of America,” and of course Trump’s wet dreams about his daughter.

Oh, and Linda Sarsour, a Muslim woman who was one of the organizers, had this to say:

Yup. Saudi Arabia’s policy towards women puts American to shame. I swear to God. She said. Saudi fucking Arabia. This was the leader. There’s no words for this type of stupidity.

Some critics have said that it was inaccurate to paint all marchers like these wackadoos. But listen to that Ashley Judd speech again. The crowd goes INSANE at the end. They LOVED it!!! Plus, she and Madonna were CHOSEN as speakers for this. They could’ve picked anyone, and they found two of the biggest fruit loops they could find. The rest of the speakers talked about Michael Brown and racist cops and all this other shit that has absolutely nothing to do with women. Oh yea, and women who consider themselves feminist but happen to have conservative values were not invited onto the stage. But yea, tell me more about how you’re trying to unite women.

If they were smart then every single woman who spoke would’ve been a moderate, professional, dignified lady from Michigan, Wisconsin, or Pennsylvania. That’s what I would’ve done if I wanted to take the White House back from Trump. I would’ve put together seminars about how to get involved in political campaigns. I would’ve had presentations about upcoming Senate races in 2018, and how we can make sure women’s voices are heard loud and clear in the election results. Ya know, stuff that actually works. Because Turtleboy just enjoys winning like that. Instead we got this:

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Anyway, despite the fact that we were only trying to help, the comments section turned into a blood bath. So many people were wilin’ out on the turtle. But way more people agreed. Because that’s what we do at Turtleboy Sports – we speak for the silent majority. We see your bullshit and we call you out for it. You get mad at us for a little bit, but then some cheesehog from Webster lights a schoolbus on fire and sells her food stamps on Facebook and we go right back to being friends again.

With that said, here were the Top 15 Angriest Comments About Turtleboy’s Women’s March Blog….

15Only white trash reads Turtleboy

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Bro, you’re dressed as bacon.


14. Look at my chart!

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Yea Michelle, we see your chart. I know, the fact that female elementary school teachers make 1% less than men on average is VERY oppressing. It’s hard living in America.


13. I’m gonna whine about you whining about people whining

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It’s almost as if you don’t have to read the blogs if you don’t want to. Crazy, I know. For the record we don’t find fault with “everyone and everything.” But pretty much everyone and everything we write about is something we did find fault with. However, imagine Turtleboy existed and we wrote about things we didn’t find fault with? Yea, that’d be a really, interesting, thought provoking blog. Almost as exciting as Barney and Friends.


12. This blog is the reason we had a march Turtleboy!

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No, this blog was about the indisputable fact that you all don’t want Trump to be President again in 2020, and the only way to fix that is to get 75,000 people to change their vote next time. And your march did nothing to convince ANY of those 75,000 people to change their minds. If anything, middle of the road folks who didn’t vote for Trump saw the ridiculous signs of Jesus on the cross turned into a vagina, and they listened to Madonna fantasize about blowing up the White House, and they promised themselves they’d vote for Trump next time. The exact opposite of what this march was supposed to accomplish.

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11. I’m not a Turtleboy fan, I just comment on the Facebook page a lot

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Newsflash – even if you’re a butthurt, you’re still a turtle rider. Every time Michael comments on our posts, his entire friends list sees our blog. Then they see how much fun we’re all having and they check out the Facebook Live shows, and then we’ve got them hooked for life. Thanks Michael!!


10. The pictures Turtleboy picked made people say mean things

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Wait… we’re the demeaning and derogatory ones?

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You’re dressed as a head emerging from a human vagina. And Turtleboy is the demeaning and derogatory one? Yea, that makes TONS of sense. Newslfash – we did not make these people up They were there and they posed for pictures. We did not choose them because they would incite demeaning commentary. We chose them because they are in fact demeaning. When you dress up with your head emerging out of a human vagina, chances are that your costume will elicit hilarious and depraved commentary from the masses. This is how the Internet works.


9. Stick to sports Turtleboy!!!

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This one never gets old. Newsflash – hunting SJW’s is a sport. But to answer her question, the civil rights movement was actually marching to fight for rights they didn’t already have. Ya know, like being able to order a sandwich and eat it in the restaurant. You’re not fighting for rights, because there isn’t a single right that a man has that you also don’t have in America in 2017.


8. Turtleboy is devaluing women based on looks

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Wait, I’m confused. “Devaluing women based on their adherence to beauty norms?” But women at the march were the ones holding signs devaluing women based on their adherence to beauty norms.

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“Sleeping beauties.” In other words, the woman holding the sign is judging the rest of the women in attendance based on their overall attractiveness. She has deemed that they are all beautiful. This is OK, because she’s being nice. You can only judge someone based on their physical appearance if the things you are saying are nice. Kind of like, everyone gets a trophy. Got it.


7. Turtleboy secretly films the homeless

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Let it out man!! Must’ve missed that blog, but I’m sure it was therapeutic to get this nonsensical rant out of your system!! You made a difference today!!


6. I don’t like it when Turtleboy calls people fupasloths

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Newsflash – are most talented female writer came up with that word. And it’s an AMAZING word. Everyone with a sense of humor likes it. That’s the thing about Turtleboy – you’re not gonna have fun here if you don’t have a sense of humor. We insult and use crass language. Because….freedom. If you don’t like it, you might be better off with a safer blog like the Huffington Post. Can’t say I’ve ever seen the word “fupasloth” in the title of any of their blogs.


5. Turtleboy is mansplaining

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Pro-tip: the second you use the word “mansplaining,” most people stop paying attention to anything you’re saying. Only social justice warrior fupasloths use that word. It’s like when conservatives use the word “libtard” or call Obama a Muslim. I stop paying attention to them after that. Oh wait, there I go mansplaining again!!


4. I’m here to make a very important announcement – I’m no longer following Turtleboy Sports!!

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First of all, you’re not going anywhere. Everyone knows that. You’ll be back tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. You don’t have it in you to stop clicking on our blogs. you love it way too much.

Secondly, the type of people who feel the need to announce to the world which pages they are unfollowing are the most pathetic, attention hungry losers on the planet. Because we were all literally sitting on the edges of our seats wondering if Beth Cardinal and Caitlin Howard were gonna unlike our page. Sure, they could’ve just hit the unlike button and moved on with their lives. But where’s the drama in that? Who will pay attention to them if they don’t make their VERY important announcement??!!


3. Wait……what?

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I’m sure it sounded right in her brain. Keep working at it Rena!!


2. Turtleboy can’t get laid

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It’s true. That’s literally the only reason we wrote this blog. Sexual frustration. Now excuse me while we make tummy pancake while dreaming about some fupasloths.


1. If I call Turtleboy a misogynist I can show all these angry white women that I’m one of the good ones!

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So THAT’s why Turtleboy doesn’t get laid. Because we don’t make posts about batshit crazy chicks like Ashley Judd “taking over.” Oh, and please, tell me more about how “brave” people were for attending this peaceful, well policed demonstration against….something. Jesse Castonguay would know a thing or two about bravery. He once saved France from ISIS:


And he shares articles about buying tampons:

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If that’s not brave then I don’t know what is.

Anyway, we respect women. Always have, always will. But this wasn’t  march for women. It was a march for whiny social justice warriors who can’t get over the fact that Hillary lost. Nothing was accomplished, and nothing will come of this except for SJW’s liking each other’s comments about how brave they all are. Plus, a bunch of Turtleboy writers are women. It’s almost as if you can be a woman and still think this entire charade was a meaningless waste of time.


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30 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    January 26, 2017 at 2:38 pm

    I love how they proclaim there’s more of them than there are of us. Yet their candidate lost.

    How’s about them apples?

  • Auburnite
    January 25, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    Oh ffs, all you woman are fkn embarrassing yourselves. I’m embarrassed for you. grow the fk up ya buncha whinebags assclowns with zero fkn common sense among the whole lot of you. And yes, I am a woman, just not one who gives a fk about the lame ass bs y’all are protesting aka Trump beating the money laundering murdering lyrics by sack of poo. No, razors are not free. And using the words pussy etc like you are freely just makes your condemnation of Trumps use of the words a complete joke, much like your whole entire bitch session. Move on.

  • KimberlyS
    January 25, 2017 at 11:16 am

    What truly sucks is that these . . . people . . . make me not want to wear pink anymore. I like pink. I look good in pink. Now I’m afraid I’ll be seen as one of these lunatics if I wear it.

    They have taken away my right to wear pink!!! Time to march!!

  • Alec
    January 25, 2017 at 10:50 am

    Your articles are a breath of fresh air! & This is coming from a WOMAN keep it coming !

  • TDF
    January 25, 2017 at 7:49 am

    “The Struggle is Real”

    I think her belt dressed her and picked out that shirt

  • Just Sayin'
    January 24, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    TBS IS a funny blog. The woman’s march WAS a bunch of nonsense that took place only because Trump won the election. Women DO have all the same rights as men, however, pay discrimination DOES exist in this country where unions don’t bargain for salaries. TBS DOES at times insult women and I WOULD consider it a sexist blog with the wording they use, NOT a feminist blog like they claim. Women do NOT have any extra “perks” that men don’t have, barring not registering for the draft which was in response to MEN not thinking WOMEN could fight along side them. The draft means nothing. TB and all the TB guys didn’t get drafted to go fight in any of the wars/conflicts of your era….so don’t tell me you registering for the draft meant shit. Have a nice night, all.

    • Malaparte
      January 25, 2017 at 6:21 am

      Women do have extra perks, actually. For example 93 percent of workplace deaths are male, 80 percent of suicide victims and 97 percent of war deaths are male. Women can behave egregiously in marriage and the divorce laws still favor them. Get real.

      • Just Sayin'
        January 25, 2017 at 8:12 am

        I wouldn’t call those PERKS, Malaparte. Not committing suicide just means your emotional stable. Workplace deaths might have a little something to do with the job you choose. As for the egregious comment, back it up. Plenty of unstable women lose custody of their children. Most cases now award 50-50 custody.

    • TDF
      January 25, 2017 at 8:58 am

      if a Male does not register for Selective Service he can not be employed by the Federal Government and he can not receive any Federal loans or grants for Education/Housing and such. Women do not have to worry about that as they are not required to register for Selective Service. I would consider that a benefit that women get that men don’t.

      and last I heard I never saw a club have gentlemen’s night with 1/2 off drinks and no cover 🙂

  • Just Sayin'
    January 24, 2017 at 9:35 pm

    Hey, Jesse Castonguay…..You’re hot! Just sayin’.

  • True Reality Speaks
    Tired of Don't Snitch Pussies
    January 24, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    In my college days, I banged tons of girls like this that were cheating on their beta boyfriends. Mount Holyoke, Smith, Wellesley, Simmons, any jr. college – all of them were equal opportunity hog whores.

    The straight ones had their low-T metros for doing couples things and to impress their equally phony friends – but would always show up at my place begging for the late nite butt slaps and hair pulling after they sent their puppy home with blue balls.

    The problem is that now there just aren’t enough real men to give these chicks what they really need. So they act out and protest to impress each other, and deny that what they really want is just to get laid properly.

    • XX
      January 25, 2017 at 8:08 am

      Ha ha ha…I call BULLSHIT, Tired. But whatever you gotta say to make yourself feel like A MAN! Such a stud. LOL Loser.

  • Seriously?
    January 24, 2017 at 6:57 pm

    As crazy as these people are that Jesus clit ring halo made laugh. I give an “A” for effort on that one

  • Embarrassing
    January 24, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    These women did not have a clear message and its difficult to take any of them serious in their pink pussy hats and Halloween vaginas while screaming incoherantly. Come on ladies, you can do better than this.

    Yes, I’m a woman.

    • XX
      January 25, 2017 at 8:05 am

      I agree, Embarrassing. No clear messages. Abortion rights? Equal pay? Or do you just hate DJT? The signs were grossly inappropriate, as were many of the more graphic hats.

  • Chris From Georgia
    January 24, 2017 at 6:22 pm

    Those women are just plain nasty!!! Who would ever want to marry someone like that!

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 24, 2017 at 8:16 pm

      A lesbian sjw that’s at least 100 lbs overweight perhaps?

      • Tarbash The Egyptian Magician
        January 24, 2017 at 8:20 pm

        BobnMic would hit it. The only reason he’s been so quiet the past houris because he’s slapping his pappy to picture #2 of that thing who’s managed to dislocate her ass to the front.

    • Glorious
      January 25, 2017 at 8:02 am

      Post YOUR picture, Chris from Georgia. Smile for the camera so we can count your 4 teeth, Y’ALL.

  • juror seven esq.
    January 24, 2017 at 6:13 pm

    That march was ripe grounds for Hampshire College for recruiting members for the class of 2021.

  • ZephyrCat
    January 24, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    I’m still trying to figure out how the moose in the 2nd photo managed to get her ass in the front of her body.

    • whatevuh
      January 24, 2017 at 7:04 pm

      The struggle is real, however the real struggle is wiping her ass after taking a dump. She doesn’t take traditional showers, she gets fork-lifted onto a dolly and they run her through a car-wash once a wek

    • John Barker
      January 24, 2017 at 7:12 pm

      Was a good ass-kicking, no doubt..

    • Glorious
      January 25, 2017 at 7:59 am

      That is fucking rude. And that is exactly why TBS used her picture…to provoke insults and degradation. Post YOUR picture hotshot.

      • ZephyrCat
        January 25, 2017 at 12:17 pm

        I disagree. She was in public at a protest. To not use her photo would have been discriminatory because she would have been left out only cuz she’s fat. Huh, huh? Whatcha got to say to that?

  • stoopid
    January 24, 2017 at 5:39 pm

    so that one bitch wants us to eat her pussy, but not grab it? yea, that really clears things up…

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 24, 2017 at 8:14 pm

      I think she means no eating with your hands. You gotta use utensils…maybe a pair of chopsticks would come in handy.

  • With kids at their side
    January 24, 2017 at 5:26 pm

    This is a good example on why Clinton lost. The photos say it all.

  • Frogshit
    January 24, 2017 at 5:21 pm


  • Mediocrity
    January 24, 2017 at 5:06 pm

    Swamp bitches.
    Drain the Swamp.

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