Turtleboy Fan Mail Of The Week From Turners Falls

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The other day we called out these dooshnozzle parents in Turners Falls who have lawyered up and are going after Hillcrest Elementary School because their out of control children have been put in these “calm down rooms.” Well, as you know, we like to poke fun of certain towns and cities in our blogs. It’s nothing personal, and we know that often these towns have a lot more to offer. But it’s just a joke. That’s it. Nevertheless as we have seen with Colrain, Buffalo, and Spencer, some of these people don’t  understand how satire works. That’s when the fan mail starts pouring in. Fan mail like this:

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Love it. The fan mail of the week though comes from this man:



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Good God. That is the most magnificent Voke-stache these eyes have ever seen.


His name is Austin Reynolds, and he is suffering from a serious case of Turtle-induced butthurt. First we got this message:

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Looks like our Franklin County fan base is getting larger by the day!!! We also got tagged in a post on someone else’s page:

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That moment when your house makes it’s debut on Turtleboy Sports. Fail.

Soon Austin Reynolds was sharing his thoughts:

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Man, he sure likes the “n” word. Turners Falls 4 life!!! His home girl was chiming in too:

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Aisha. Love it.

That’s when someone did the unexpected and called him out for Turtleboy calling him out for using the “n” word:

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Turners Falls Gangsta!!!

Will Halloran continued to be the voice of reason, until our girl Aisha chimed in with some fine “whitespalining” about how it’s not really racist when people use the “n” word:

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I’ll tell you one thing – these people sure are lucky there aren’t any black people in Franklin County. Shit would get awkward real quick. She wasn’t done though:


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Finally another person named Sarah Ahern joined in the conversation, bringing the amount of people who have passed the MCAS to two:

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LOL. LOVE IT!!! Love it when social justice warrior white folk explain to other white folk about why it’s not racist to use the “n” word if you say it with a Boston accent. She learned about that in her Sociology 101 class. Apparently this woman actually has a real job:

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Love it. A white girl from Franklin County who finally moved to the big city of Holyoke and tells white people that other white people can use the “n” word so long as they don’t pronounce the “r” at the end of it.


This made Aisha feel quite empowered:

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Then Austin jumped back in and explained to the world that it was OK because he had black friends:

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The fact that he at one point lived in Florida is the least surprising aspect of this whole story.

He also doesn’t mind throwing the “f” word around, especially when he’s boasting about his lucrative career:

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Oh Turners Falls. You really have some winners up there!!! Have they replaced Colrain as the new Turtleboy nemesis from Franklin County? Colrain has been way too quiet lately. I’m thinking Turners Falls has come for the crown.

Either way, it’s just a joke people. Lighten up. We’ve been to Montague a few times. There’s some lovely parts there. There’s also some dumps. And dumps are funnier than the non-dumps. If your house makes it onto Turtleboy Sports then maybe you should try getting that Lay-Z-Boy off your lawn and not park the broken down rape van on the sidewalk. Ya know, because you’re killing property value for your neighbors. We love you all regardless. Ride the turtle.



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56 Comment(s)
  • Lol
    April 16, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    The stupidity in some people lol! Sad but hilarious!!!!

  • SJ
    April 5, 2016 at 9:35 am

    Maybe posting pictures of people’s homes isn’t the best idea, TB. It can be embarrassing for them. Maybe take it down a notch.

    • KeepTheBrownTrashOutOfMontague
      April 7, 2016 at 11:33 pm

      Are u knuts? Its the best thing EVAH! Turtle Boi, we need more TF!!

  • You're an idiot
    April 4, 2016 at 11:03 am

    I really shouldn’t make fun of Suspect. He was only trying to spell Feisty correctly, even though your name here is spelled differently. Ya see love, you’re following the i before e rule..which doesnt apply to this word.

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      April 4, 2016 at 12:27 pm

      Shutup. You thought suspect was the one spelling it wrong. I obviously don’t care what people think of me, hence why I haven’t corrected it yet. Im not saying it in a mean way either! I’m care free. I do what I want, I say what I want and I don’t really hold back… It has made me a happier person, try it sometime! My name is not spelled correctly…. I GET IT. Let’s move on.

      I feel like you are attracted to me or subconsciously have a crush. Send me a picture… pretty sure I offered ny husband to you without seeing what you look like… rookie mistake. He actually read that post I made and said, “What the fuck? She could be Rosie O’Donell!” So, I may be in the doghouse for a while.


      • You're an idiot
        April 4, 2016 at 2:13 pm

        I would reply, but I’ve been censored! Haha! After trying to post the same comment several times it only allows me to say certain things which it approves. Things such as my apology to Suspect. I find that to be so odd. Hmph!

      • You're an idiot
        April 4, 2016 at 2:45 pm

        Adios Fiesty, that puts a damper on the game. I’ll miss you a little. Maybe you are my girl crush. Glad I made your nipples hard. Sorry we can’t discuss what your obsession is with discussing your cock gobbling over the internet.. Yet you persist. Lol! I actually picked who I thought was the most intelligent person in the room to play devils advocate with (yes, I complimented you!) Why end on a shitty note after all? Farewell cupcake!

        • FiestyLawyerLady
          April 4, 2016 at 6:29 pm

          Ohhhh man…….. so I’m assuming no picture? It’s all in good fun baby! Seriously if you are at least a 7 out of a 10, I love you already.

          Until next time!

  • Reddog
    April 3, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Your an idiot,you are an idiot.

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      April 3, 2016 at 10:46 pm


      She made fun of UsualSuspect and I don’t know him/her but anyone willing to eat popcorn and root me on is awesome in my book!

      • You're an idiot
        April 4, 2016 at 6:16 am

        Yes you do know him in fact. He’s your cop friend who you immediately called after my accusatory comment. He wanted to see what I had to say because he was curious. So while you were polishing your halo, he was nervous. Don’t worry suspect. I would end up actually hurting someone I like very much should I give away such information publicly, because a couple of those hot messes are related to you! I don’t hurt people I care about to prove a point. Don’t be scared. Secrets safe with me “suspect”!

        • FiestyLawyerLady
          April 4, 2016 at 8:06 am

          Listen I don’t know ANY ONE here. I just started posting here like a week ago. Someone mentioned this website in passing, I was curious so I took a lil’ looksy and here I am! I am new here, I’m staying too. I feel like I fit right in!

          • You're an idiot
            April 4, 2016 at 11:51 am

            Unless of course you’re going to a fiesta! Which puts you on the right track but… Nah, still wrong.

    • You're an idiot
      April 4, 2016 at 8:07 am


  • KeepTheBrownTrashOutOfMontague
    April 3, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    BTW, This town is the tops in the state for people who are “disabled” and receive SSDI benefits and food stamps every month. People brag all the time about free money from the state to stay home and sell smack. The state should start by cutting off anyone under 40 who is “disabled”. I’m sorry, but a deviated septum or chronic ear aches are not disabilities. Neither are people who would rather not be around others, hence they can not work. Thanks OBAMA!

  • KeepTheBrownTrashOutOfMontague
    April 3, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    I play a game with my buddy called “find the needle”. First one to spot a used syringe get a free lunch from the other. I honestly worry walking my dog (or as the “niggas: say, dawg) that he will step on or get poked in his nose with a used needle. And the Police Chief famously asked last summer that if you find a used needle, please dispose of it properly, no need to call to police. Most surrounding towns police chiefs said that was asinine advice, that you should definitely call the police. At least traffic going in and out of 15 Fifth St has been drastically reduced. And by “brown” in my name/handle, I was referring to the low-life wanna-be’s from Springfield/Holyoke?Worcester/Boston that come here and try to thug out the town.

  • KeepTheBrownTrashOutOfMontague
    April 3, 2016 at 2:15 pm

    I live in this wonderful village consisting of a giant collection of shithole unemployed pill-sniffing herion shooting losers. Walk dowton any day at any time, and take a look at what you see. Just about everybody is fucked up or in withdrawls.

  • Joe Max
    April 3, 2016 at 12:45 pm

    Inbreeding comes to mind at once. Guess more money should be allocated to education in Mass. Scary to say the least, can’t forget the photos either !

  • whatevuh
    April 3, 2016 at 11:11 am

    this skinny little nigga is just too stupid for the real world, stay in Turner Falls ya little puke, anywhere else you would get YOUR ass kicked

    • KeepTheBrownTrashOutOfMontague
      April 3, 2016 at 2:22 pm

      I see him around, next time I spot him at FL Roberts/Exxon, I’ll have a “chat” with him

  • FiestyLawyerLady
    April 3, 2016 at 9:31 am

    UsualSuspect, it’s not showing me a reply button below your comment… So, how about no popcorn (gets stuck between the teeth) Doritos and a cold beer for everyone! 😉

  • AustinBitchBoy
    April 2, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Looks like Austin is busy taking his GRINDR profile photo! I heard he’s a busy little boy on that app with all the older bears who want him!

  • whatevuh
    April 2, 2016 at 8:12 am

    OMG too funny, that skinny ass little twirp who can’t form an english sentence, threatening to kick someone’s ass (well maybe a 10 yr old’s ass) If that’s the best Turner Falls has, I feel sorry for that entire town ! And he makes $17/hour ? So after taxes, he’s taking home a whopping $480/week, enough to buy a new brush bar for his piece of shit truck? LMAO !

    • Needs a better job
      April 2, 2016 at 9:59 am

      Thanks for making me feel bad about making $15 man

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        April 2, 2016 at 4:09 pm

        Don’t feel bad. There are many people who make less. I would say a job is a job. If it pays your bills, then you are a step ahead of many.

  • Eric
    April 2, 2016 at 7:10 am

    Fighting outta the blue corner weighing in at 135 lbs soaking wet. … ADAM “Yousa bitch nigga” REYNOLDS!!!!

    • Eric
      April 2, 2016 at 8:55 am

      Austin*** how did I forget that one

  • Fatfingr Lou
    April 2, 2016 at 5:50 am

    Wow! That’s someone’s kid. The military couldn’t (and wouldn’t want to) fix that hot mess.

  • fordsnharleys
    April 2, 2016 at 5:13 am

    Posting this real stuff makes your April Fool’s piece on Mosiac even more believable.

  • Moved away
    April 2, 2016 at 4:21 am

    I can assure you the fine and classy individuals of Turners have no ill will to black people, they just wish they were black people

    Man this brings back some funny memories

  • anonono
    April 2, 2016 at 2:09 am

    What if…the Tour De Turtle branched out and started offering bus tours?
    First order of business…pass out promo flyers for the Turners Falls trip (with some of these quotes) in an area such as…Dorchester.

    Start up the bus!

  • anonono
    April 2, 2016 at 2:00 am

    Whoever Will Halloran is, he is my new hero.

  • Publius
    April 1, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    What is up with hick white trash and ghetto talk?

  • Turtle Educator
    April 1, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    The Butthurt is strong with this one, Turtleboy.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    April 1, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    That was priceless, but now I need excdrin after trying to decipher that punctuation deprived word salad, from a bunch of morons. Then the predictable, I make more money than you line, hailing from the trailer parks shared computer.

    Priceless, just priceless.

  • Wabbitt
    April 1, 2016 at 9:23 pm

    I think I can make a killing publishing a moron to English dictionary.

  • Danny
    April 1, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    This is the best Friday night Eva lmao

  • Mikeyc
    April 1, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    Masia… Gotta love it

  • Mikeyc
    April 1, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Masai… Gotta love it

  • FiestyLawyerLady
    April 1, 2016 at 7:53 pm

    Well, good to know a few people from Turners hates you just as much as me. Spent a little of my free time pissing people from Turners off this morning on the original post. Now I don’t feel so alone.

    You should have told the 96lb soak and wet “I have abs because I’m skinny” guy to put a shirt on. I felt slightly violated scrolling past his emaciated body.

    • John Wick
      April 1, 2016 at 10:44 pm

      I think my wrists are bigger than his biceps. What a scrawny little turd!

      I love when dumb kids act like they’re the toughest people in the world, when they have literally zero muscle, and I guarantee no knowledge of how to fight at all.

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        April 1, 2016 at 11:06 pm

        They probably are! Did you spot his mexistache? What a good looking fellow, huh? Lol

    • You're an idiot
      April 2, 2016 at 8:19 am

      I’m not from Turners or even Western Mass. I am a homeowner/business owner/taxpayer who thought you were a shitty lawyer, making shitty comments, looking for a date. I felt the things being said were slanderous and everyone jumping on the band wagon because thats what most of shitty society does.. They jump on the bandwagon. I would be pretty nervous should I ever be interviewed by the news and would likely jumble my words as well. I dont use slang words like “nigga” to express myself, but at the butt of everyones joke is a real living breathing child who needs real help despite your opinion of his parents. That boy is very young, probably at an age where his issues might be able to be diagnosed and treated. Its not that easy as infants and toddlers to be diagnosed and often takes until school age. People commenting his parents shouldn’t have sent him to school with the other kids and attempt to provide him with education because he disrupts poor little perfect Johnnys education. Please. Get off your high horses people. His parents are not special needs professionals. The school and health professionals are supposed to assist in recognizing these things. Your kids are entitled to a nurturing, loving education..and so is he. That calm down room sucks. Maybe he does need placement elsewhere, the school still has a responsibilty to him. To not let him slip through the cracks. Lots of kids need help, and many come from decent homes. No matter where they come from, every kid deserves a fighting chance. It takes a village. Whatever past you think you know about the parents… I do not doubt they love their son. If it takes some couple that all you perfect people dont approve of getting awarded financially to make change, and impliment better special needs treatment and programs, I’m all for it. I hope they take it and buy a house right next to you. I hope you were never a civil rights attorney. May the Gods bless whatever you birth, and may they be as flawless as yourself.

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        April 2, 2016 at 2:17 pm

        It’s you again, welcome! I’m going to reply because it’s Saturday at 2pm and everyone in this house is sleeping. I’m bored.

        Like I said yesterday, I am married. I am not here looking for a date. Even if I wasn’t married it would take a REALLY unique man for me to be attracted, I have a VERY specific type. As my luck runs dry, the chances of that happening are zilch because men like that are usually taken. You don’t need to worry about me, my ovaries aren’t twisted in a bunch ready to fuck or looking for love. For all I know you could be Richie Jr. (See post “Why do people keep doing this?”). I have every right to post here without an idiot like you assuming Im here for a date because I made a silly joke about being bleached blonde. Believe me, I’m not here for attention like you assume. If I was, I would include a profile picture with measurements, and my useless skills like running a vacuum while I read star magazine and shave my legs at the same time. What man could resist?

        You keep saying I’m a shitty lawyer, yet you say you hope I’m not a civil rights attorney. You have to be kidding me. I would never work in the same field of law as Hector Pineiro. Is that your idea of a good lawyer? A scumbag looking for easy money at the cost of tax payers? Believe me when I tell you, he is far from a stand up guy. Especially when he flips his little bitch hair away from his eyes with the twist f a neck. Wow, I’m going off course here.

        You question my success, you make assumptions based off my gender, and even attack me personally all because I am against parents like them who don’t pay enough attention to their child until money is in the mix? I SYMPATHIZE with CHILDREN who need help, and I agree a calm down room is awful. However, I will never sympathize with parents sitting first class on a gravy train.

        You assumed I was talking about their child, and I told you I would never talk badly about a child. Yet, here you are at the end of your pansy rant talking about mine. For the record, I’m far from flawless but here you are assuming I feel this way about myself. My child though? She’s absolutely perfect to me.

        If they moved next door to me, I would offer to care for their child since they seem to leave their child behind with family members to live the carefree life. I would also wash the douchebags hat and sweater, maybe offer him a shower since he looks filthy.

        This message has gone on WAY TOO LONG to the point I don’t even care about what I’m saying. I will end it with, you’re a cry baby who can’t read an opinion that differs from your own without acting like a bitch. Your Richard friend is not much better either. I was amused at how much you two rode each others cocks on that thread. Ut was really impressive, you may have a new career in the making. Don’t worry, you aren’t gay if your balls don’t touch.

        Bye bye!

        • You're an idiot
          April 2, 2016 at 8:44 pm

          Actually, Im a lady which apparently you are not…but even if I was a gay man..why would I be worried? Is there something wrong with gay people?? Ohhhh, right. You’re a bigot too. I’m not sure who Richard is or what your obsession is with him, but after your spot on Donald Trump impression calling me a pansy, cry baby and making fun of gays I think you aren’t even worthy of another second of my time. You’re boring and I’m more fiesty than you in my sleep. I was curious to see if you could live up to your name but instead it was a tedious onslaught of trailed off thoughts and fifth grade name calling. You should have taken that nap with everyone else you fiesty “lady” you!! Lol

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            April 2, 2016 at 8:54 pm

            Makes sense now, you just need some good dick. You can borrow my husband, have him back by midnight.

            Nothing wrong with gay people (I’m no bigot) but you should wonder why exactly I tagged you for someone with a dick. Perhaps you’re stuck in the wrong body. Enjoy your weekend.

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            April 2, 2016 at 9:15 pm

            I doubt you are fiesty at all. You seem like the type who probably has hand sanitizer on her nightstand just in case you accidentally touch your husband’s penis you can immediately disinfectant your hands.

            ZzzzZzzzZ poor guy. Tell him he can borrow my bang bus account and that I apologize for his boring life.

            Love you babe, sweet dreams.

        • You're an idiot
          April 3, 2016 at 6:42 am

          There ya go thinking your a comedian again.. You likely lend out your husband regularly. Poor guy probably wears a latex suit and a ball gag while your 300 lb body smothers him. I have a lovely life thank you, and I WILL have a wonderful weekend. You too love!! xxoo

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            April 3, 2016 at 6:52 am

            Woah woah… ball gags and latex suits? What kind of shit are YOU into honey? That’s a few steps above me! You freaky “lady!” By the way it’s not lending… sharing means caring, did you not watch cartoons as a child?

            I was just trying to help since you seem so uptight. I’m being honest here, you need to get laid, pronto!

            Cute how you have to try and take a shot at my appearance. I’m pretty sure I could be in sweatpants and stained tshirt and still give your husband a massive boner.


        • You're an idiot
          April 3, 2016 at 7:11 am

          And actually your name made you sound like a pretentious cunt so I thought you would be more clever than you are.. But you just think you are. Lastly, I happen to know you lawyer lady and some of your friends 😀 So since you like peoples personal lives on blast. I have some thinking to do. I’ll get back to you once I’ve thought it through a little more. Its a pretty shitty thing to do, publicly shame people. I can tell you stories about your friends dear, because I know them on a personal level. Alcoholism, cocaine, cover ups for family members, contributing to the delinquincy of minors. Some serious law bending/breaking going on in the backwoods. That degree gives you such a fat head honey. Anyways, I wont be responding to you for a while.. Try not to miss me!!

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            April 3, 2016 at 7:22 am

            Okay now you are reaching!! I am squeeky clean and would never associate with criminals or drug users. I was not even born or raised in MA and I have a tiny family, literally. Two brothers who live far away, that’s it. All of my inlaws are out of state as well. Most of my friends are out of state. One bestfriend who is kind of crazy but I love her! Please give me a break attempting to make me out to be someone I am not just because you’re angry.

            You can talk as much shit about me as you want and that’s fine, I enjoy the banter but don’t stoop low and pretend that you know me when you dont. I am a really sociable person and I’m nice to everyone but my circle is so small it would appear I’m antisocial.

            Less people in my life, less favors and money I need to lend out lol…

            Anyway we can keep making gun of each other, I’m okay with that but don’t be a bitch and make things up, that’s pathetic. If you knew me in person, you would like me. Despite my smart ass antics here, I’m pretty chill and care free.

            Thanks for calling me a cunt, you made my nipples hard before 8am, impressive.

            Love you!

        • You're an idiot
          April 3, 2016 at 7:30 am

          You responsed quick enough so here it is.. Oh they arent you’re average criminal hon. Cops, detectives, nurses, leave it to beaver types.. Good upstanding folks.. Or are they? Lol. Careful who you get in bed with. They might seem squeeky clean like you then all of a sudden you slip and fall and get covered in their shit… Which probably doesnt even stink because well… ya know.. their shit dont stink.

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            April 3, 2016 at 7:39 am

            I seriously promise, all jokes aside that whoever you think I am, I am not that person. If I had even an INCH of feeling that someone in my life wasn’t a good person, I would cut them off. I have done it to family, I have no problem doing it to anyone else.

            I have left a position long ago that was really good money… I mean REAL good just because the person I was working for was not a good person. I couldn’t bare to work for someone like that. So I left…under bad terms mind you and had to start on my own from the ground up. I enjoy a good night’s sleep, therefore, I would never associate with people who aren’t kosher.

          • UsualSuspect
            April 3, 2016 at 8:29 am

            Break out the popcorn! Go Feisty!

        • You're an idiot
          April 3, 2016 at 10:41 am

          Listen, its all been great fun expressing the unpopular opinion. You don’t have to get so defensive and explain your halo from birth til now. I just know small town politics and law enforcement, and that area is small. Lots of hypocrisy depending on who ya know. My entire point from the beginning being (which people actually “disliked”) just because Turners is an impoverished city with people you dont like, doesnt mean their isn’t something off happening at the school there. More than one family is involved. A witch hunt against the parents is counter productive and draws attention away from something that might need attention… Then all of a sudden little Timmy gets hurt at school and everyone wonders how this could happen. Oh yeah… somebody didnt like his parents. Ehh, whatever.. Its Turners. If theres even a chance, it should be taken serious. I don’t know the lawyer involved or his ethics, and I don’t care. Most lawyers aren’t known for their ethics unfortunately. Maybe you are fiesty. I hope so. Anyhow, its a nice day and I’ll be signing off for now. Poor Suspect has been holding his popcorn in one hand and his boner in the other for hours trying to figure out how to spell fiesty. Lol! Ya came late to the game dude. Maybe next time.

  • UsualSuspect
    April 1, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    That was some of the funniest shit ever!

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