All-Star Criminals

Vigilante Vajstain Overcompensates For Tiny Tuna Torpedo By Assaulting 17 Year Old Dirtbike Thief, Making Him Roll In The Mud, Posting Video To Facebook


This is Chris Martin from Carver:

He’s your resident tough guy who recently had some dirtbikes stolen from him by local teenage hoodlums. He tracked them down, but he didn’t call the cops because he didn’t need no stinkin’ cops!! Hardo Harry over here believes that he IS the law.

So when he cornered a teenager named Zack who allegedly stole from him he decided to post a video in which he threatens the kid several times, steals the keys to his truck, demands the kid roll in the mud, and then assaults him at the end just because he can. Watch:


I think we can all agree that the teenager is a jizz puppet for stealing a dirtbike, and there was no way you could possibly feel sorry for him considering what he did. That is, if he did steal from him. His confession was coerced by threats, but gun to my head I bet he did in fact steal. Then this bag of flaccid penises showed up:

Imagine how small your trouser trout would have to be in order to feel the need to overcompensate to that level by tough guy virtue signaling on Facebook? This is why we have police. If your dirtbike gets stolen and you know who took it, and then you track them down like this, all you have to do is record them, take your bike back, get them on film confessing, and bring it to the police. But he couldn’t do that because deputy douche dumpling feels the need to prove to the world that he can humiliate a 17 year old and teach him a lesson.

Newsflash – it’s not your job to teach him a lesson. It’s the police and his parents’ job. Maybe this kid’s parents would tear him a new asshole if you gave them proof that their son was a thief. That’s up to them to decide, because he’s THEIR crotch fruit. If my son grows up and steals someone I will be embarrassed and ashamed, but I will deal with kid privately. It’s not up the hardest chud in Carver to discipline my kid for me.

Some of this chode maggot’s greater quotes:

“How old’s your fathaahhhh? Does he like to fight? Does he wanna fight? Well then who’s gonna fight? Somebody needs to fight me. Either pay me or fight me. Or give me the bike. You wanna steal from me I’ll steal from you.”

“You’re gonna be 18 in a month? Think I should just wait a month and come and thrash you?”

“How much money you got in your pockets? What you got in your truck? I want something. You tried to take from me, I’m gonna take from you. And I’m gonna do it straight in your face. That’s how men do it.”

Oh yea, that’s how men do it for sure. They make juvenile delinquents roll around in the mud in order to not be assaulted by a man much bigger than them. And after the humiliation is completed the grown man then assaults the 17 year old by hitting him in the face with mud.

It takes a real man to do that.

Of course I’m sure Chris Martin was an angel back in the day. It’s not like he’s a recovering junkie or anything.

“I know our lives have gone in different directions, but I’m so incredibly proud how far you have come and how you continue to fight.”

Translation – “I ditched you back in the day because you’re a loser going nowhere in life, and I honestly thought you’d be dead by now. So good job still being alive. Quite the accomplishment.”

Of course he did it because this is the diesel gargling crowd he caters to:

Some people did come forward and point out that he literally assaulted a minor in that video, but the Vigilante Vajstain wasn’t trying to hear none of that.

Fuck yourself pussy!!

While this was going on Uncle Turtleboy was actively engaging as well. This made him a liberal of course:

As for Chris, he’s firmly in the position to lecture other people about life. Things are going swimmingly for him, since he’s clean now and looking for a room to rent.

Of course the biggest loser in that video was the thief’s traitor friend who instead of standing up for his buddy cowered and tried to please the douchequeef so that he wouldn’t get it next. He felated him throughout that video in the hopes that he wouldn’t be next. Get better friends kids and stop stealing from people kid.


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53 Comment(s)
  • Ralph
    May 11, 2019 at 10:40 am

    I think it might be a good idea to make a visit to the bog.

  • LOB
    May 11, 2019 at 10:37 am

    Chris Martin- you POS! If I ever see you, YOU will be out like a light! AHOLE!

  • Violent Junkie vs Thieving Slime
    May 8, 2019 at 6:15 pm

    The teenage thief is probably his long lost crack baby.

    Luv the way he has to reference MOTORCYCLES in everything… lookin’ for a house to rent if somebody don’t mind a couple of bikes around… heh heh

    Dats rite I ride motorcycles… I said I ride MOTORCYCLES… I OWN AND RIDE MOTORCYCLES!! MOTORCYCLES MOTorcycles motorscicles popsicles popsicles …. need a popsicle … u kids got any dope? how about some shoal….. I’ll settle for a Pepsi and a hand job ok how about a roll in some mud… ok you got any twirlers…..

    • cableguy
      May 10, 2019 at 8:42 am

      ok so the kid tried breaking in didn’t get anything and this fucking MORON Martin took it upon himself to uphold the law it wasn’t even his house from what im reading he is a fucktard at least the kid is man enough to come on live,Martin must have Dick in the mouth and ass and cant be available

    • Mac
      January 24, 2020 at 7:43 pm

      Zack is a coward had a mask on outside of homes where children sleep trying to break in. Lucky he wasn’t “out like a light”

  • First time long time
    May 8, 2019 at 11:19 am

    First time I would have to disagree with a TBS article. I had a quad stolen from my house a few years back and when I “let the police handle it” nothing was done. Then when I saw my quad driving down the street a week later I chased them and called the cops and they actually said to me “do you really want us to come out?” So I think this guy had every right to teach this kid a lesson. I don’t know the guy and he could be a piece of trash but I think he handled the situation extremely well

  • Reasonable and circumspect adult
    May 8, 2019 at 12:23 am

    This is not quite the way I would have handled the situation but a little mud is far better than a record.
    Before one of you legal scholars says it’s a juvenile offense so it won’t follow him, it does. Since 1998, that supposed seal on the record disintegrated.
    It sounds like Zach and Kyle and the third rumpswab have been going around and casing bikes to steal by inquiring about the ones for sale. You won’t find that info in this blog because it’ll ruin the narrative for uncle turtleboi.
    This isn’t mudboy’s first rodeo, so don’t feel too bad for him. Hopefully he learns to cut the shit but I’m not convinced this will do it for him.
    Personally, I’m curious about what he has for parental influences. Zach’s parents could be very nice, hard working folks or they could be human dungbeetles. If they’re not trans-species shit bugs in human form, Zach should have felt their wrath along with Kyle and idiot #3 getting the same from their respective parents by now.
    On a separate note, filming this exchange might be good to a point but blasting it all over may not have been the best decision. Now it’s grandstanding. Could have gotten the confession and names
    on film to show the parents without the mudbath. They don’t address it properly, next stop is the cop shop. Simple.
    If someone tried to steal one of my bikes in the wee hours of the morning, age won’t factor in. Wrong place, wrong time, doing the wrong thing = risk of catching a bullet. Not for trying to break in but for not following my direct instruction to get down and not move. Anything else happens out there in the dark, you’re a threat and bad stuff can happen. (Hope that scenario never happens.)

  • Incoming Tuna Torpedo Starboard Side
    May 8, 2019 at 12:22 am

    This video was pure karma. However, I think we can all agree that in an ideal world, parents and the justice system would step up their game so we wouldn’t have to cheer on vigilantes in the first place.

  • Long term observer
    May 7, 2019 at 9:58 pm

    For everyone voicing their disagreements with SSTG on this article, one thing you need to realize is TBS blogs are posted for the hits and ad revenue. It isn’t about principles. The moral philosophy of this blog is Uncle TBS opinion/perspective, then the secondary is the under bloggers views. They hate corrupt cops, and people who protest them. They hate junkies, and people who get clean. They hate criminals, and people who confront criminals. They hate black street culture, and racists. They use anonymity for protection, and they are able to strike whomever they want, in some sort of delusional moral crusade with no clear cut agenda. It’s about using everyone’s worst fear, public social shame, to embarrass local people who screw up, or don’t screw up but catch TBs bloggers attention, and then get people to endorse it out of fear of being the next to be TBd
    Much like the traitorous friend sucked dick to save his own ass in this video.

    • David Portnoy
      May 7, 2019 at 10:05 pm

      I mean just a few short months ago they did a hit piece on two young teens who were being confronted and postured by a grown man. They refused to, after seeing the video and speaking with the kids about what happened, recant their blog because they have no real principles. This week, it’s vigilante adult bullies kid who actually admitted to stealing, two months ago it was scum bag kids attack “elderly” man in McDonald’s. Then when the kid said what happened, and the video shows the man initiate the physical confrontation, it lies on the kids still. These people are just a low rent barstool sports with more smut and typos.

  • Awww
    May 7, 2019 at 9:52 pm

    What the kid did was wrong. Stealing from anyone is wrong. Only problem is this asshole had zero right to teach anyone a lesson considering the things he has done in his life. He has scammed and done plenty of dirty shit to people himself. He has gotten a lot of people hooked on the needle. And A lot of them are no longer here today. Wonder how that makes him feel. Yet he feels the need to dish out punishment and teach someone else a lesson. What about his lesson? What about all he has done? He went as far as getting engagement photos taken while doing drugs every day keeping his dirty secret from his soon to be wife. A good woman too. He would have married her, destroyed her life and made a fool of her. Actually he did achieve that. Everyone knew what he was doing, just not her. I’m sure that made her feel great too, knowing that not one person cared enough about her as human to tell her. I mean what if she got HIV or HEP C from him? They were having unprotected sex and he was exposing her to god knows wha every time that needle went in his arm. (Every 5-6 hours) I guess he will get his from the guy in the sky. Cause you can hide what you do from everyone, except for him. He sees it all.

  • George Glass
    May 7, 2019 at 9:37 pm

    Well, Martin wanted attention….he’s got it.

  • ChrisInShrewsbury
    May 7, 2019 at 9:22 pm

    I empathize with the vitriol Chris esposes during his lecture.

    1) The kid appeared sincerely apologetic.
    2) Would have been a funnier video if the (3?) kids reversed the situation and put Chris to sleep in the middle of the woods
    3) The DA has atleast 3 felonies to follow up on, including Extortion, Assault, and False Imprisonment. All against a minor?

    Note: Given a 3 on 1 situation against untrained assailant. 2 people should neutralize the legs while the third kicks the assailant in the head repeatedly.

  • Everyone knows
    May 7, 2019 at 8:30 pm

    He is NOT CLEAN and has never been for any longer then a few days. He is a straight shit bag. He is also almost 40 years old

  • Cranberry capital
    May 7, 2019 at 8:23 pm

    One of carvers biggest junkies! Had a fiancé ready to get married but after three years she found out he shots up 3grams a day. Let one of his friends overdose and threw him out his house to die in the snow. For him to do this to someone else with the skeletons in his closet is disgusting! He is a thief and a junkie

  • Mike
    May 7, 2019 at 7:33 pm

    100% disagree with your take on this story. Thieves are the worst! People who steal need to know that if they steal from the wrong person, there are consequences. The police do little. The courts do little. The consequences would be laughable. I would bet a large sum of money that this kid will never NEVER try to steal from a stranger’s house.

    If this happened more often less little shits would think it’s okay to take something that does not belong to them.

  • Jeff J
    Hell Ya
    May 7, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    “It’s the police or parents job” to teach him a lesson. Well I’d say the parents are out. That’s a lesson they should’ve taught him a loooong time ago, not at 17.
    The more I watch it, the better it gets. That’s called being taught a lesson the “old school” way. I’m sure his shitty parents would rather have this than a couple serious charges following him around.

  • Irony
    May 7, 2019 at 7:13 pm

    Does anyway even realize the irony here? Minor thief allegedly (a lil coercion there) breaks the law. Instead of calling police what does victim do? He goes and breaks the law by assault and battery on a minor. So who wins the prize for dumbest fucktard? That would be the dumbass who decided to record and wait for it ACTUALLY POST his felony on social media. Like a bracket showdown. Need more of this hahaha

  • Jeff J
    Off Da Maak
    May 7, 2019 at 7:07 pm

    Cops would’ve said “sorry, there’s nothing we can do, you don’t have any proof”. I think this was “the perfect punishment” for this kid. A little embarrassment goes a long way. Hopefully the stupid fuck learned his lesson.

  • TB Dick Rider
    May 7, 2019 at 6:35 pm

    All I saw was three scumbags doing scumbag things together. The guy has a valid point. Thieves are just one step above chomos and the kid got off pretty easy all things considered.

  • Brian Wilson’s ghost
    May 7, 2019 at 5:51 pm

    Aruba, Bahama, come on Alex Cora
    Go down to Puerto Rico
    The aid funds get there fast but are distributed slow
    That’s where you oughta go
    Back to Puerto Rico

    Everybody sent aid down to Puerto Rico
    Now if you want to watch the electric grid blow
    That’s where you want to go
    Down to Puerto Rico

  • Libtard Cuck
    May 7, 2019 at 5:46 pm

    His anger and verbal lashing was just, but then this cocksucker decided to make himself wrong by casting himself the hero of his own story and became just another Bos-tarded asshole. The fuck outta here with that accent. He defintely thought he had a blank check with how much abuse and torment he could put that kid through by real men don’t pull shit. A honorable man would have had the talk with the kid and forgone the threats and literal mudslinging. This guy is a straight piece of south shore dog shit.

  • Sstgsucks
    May 7, 2019 at 4:56 pm

    I been saying for months sstg sucks!!! First off this is the old school way ! Yes the end part was too much but the rest he did right! Police don’t give a shit and parents suck these days. When I was growing up we were taught lessons from strangers if we got caught doing wrong. This article sucks! So stupid who fucken cares! Lucky he didn’t get killed cause if he stole in the hood and got caught he wouldn’t be alive in that video!

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    May 7, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    I disagree with SSTG on this one. That little shit got off too easy

  • Well, No Shit
    May 7, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    If I’m this kid’s father, my son catches a beating (from ME) for being a shitbag thief, BUT…

    For the rest of Chris Martin’s life, he would have to be looking over his shoulder constantly, because he’d be a walking dead man.

    I deal with any issues concerning my kids; not you, Dickwad.

  • Stunt Penis
    May 7, 2019 at 3:32 pm

    Gotta disagree with SSTG on this one. Those little thieving bastards got everything they deserved.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    May 7, 2019 at 2:41 pm

    He turns 18 in a month. That’s 1 more vote for me!

  • SouthShoreMouth
    May 7, 2019 at 1:24 pm

    Usually on board with you, but I cannot endorse your sentiment in this particular situation. Kid broke into a garage looking to steal Harley’s apparently, and there were children home at the house he broke in to. That would have been home invasion charges following this kid around for a dumb adolescent mistake he made. Now he’s taught a lesson, most likely won’t pull that shit again, but his future is still not destroyed by a Home invasion charge. Very narrow minded about this incident TB……

  • Chris Fartin
    May 7, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    If this is the toughest guy in Carver I’d hate to see what the other chudmuffins are like. this guy was so proud of confronting a minor that he posted it on social media. Bottom line, Chris Martin has felt penises inside his bowels. That’s simple math.

  • ez munny
    May 7, 2019 at 12:58 pm

    Swing and a miss. Thieves are scum and deserve anything bad that happens to them.

  • Chester the Fupa Molester
    May 7, 2019 at 12:56 pm

    Shit Stain got what was coming to him. He’s lucky it wasn’t my house there’s a 50/50 chance he’d be dead. If he’s in my house I’ll shoot the dumb fuck. Outside police can handle it.

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      May 7, 2019 at 4:46 pm

      “If he’s in my house I’ll shoot the dumb fuck. Outside police can handle it.”

      I love it and agree 100%.

      If you catch him in your house, just make the little fuck stand a little ways inside your front door facing you at gunpoint and take a single center mass shot. Tell the cops he busted in and he ran toward you. Self defense. Fuck em.

  • Shookones
    May 7, 2019 at 12:43 pm

    “It’s the cops or the parents job for justice”. Then why do you have this blog? I like this, I don’t know what your freaking issue is. Guy went a little far at some points, but I would bet that kid never steals again, and given the choice I would bet he would rather have that happen then face charges that will follow him around for life, and probably won’t stop him from doing it again. What’s your big quote “ public shaming works”?

    • Aidan Kearney
      May 7, 2019 at 12:45 pm

      Do you honestly believe that publicly shaming people on a blog and assaulting someone by hitting them in the face with mud are the same thing?

      • Leanne
        May 7, 2019 at 1:05 pm

        Gotta agree with shookones on this. I think I’d rather have my kid get some mud in their face than charges that follow them for life. The kid deserved it it’s nothing he won’t recover from

      • Shookones
        May 7, 2019 at 1:47 pm

        Do you honestly believe this is a good take on this incident? You always say public shaming works better than the law in most cases. I said he went too far at points, that was one of the points. But the kid avoided multiple felony charges. Not to mention buddy, I think most people would take a mud pie in the face over being publicly shamed on your site ANYDAY.

      • Shawn Silvia
        May 7, 2019 at 1:52 pm

        A blog that publicly shames people is upset when someone publicly shames people? Dafuq?? It was some mud stop acting like he threw knives at his face.

        • The Common Man
          May 8, 2019 at 9:24 pm

          Fuck all you that are calling for justice be served on the spot. That’s 3rd world country behavior. I suspect most of the commenters would be long gone if we lived in that kind of environment.

          I hope they through the book at this mud flinging pussy. This dude belongs in the slammer.

      • randiguy2006
        Randall Guy
        May 7, 2019 at 3:38 pm

        Assault with mud?

        Sorry TB, the king of public shaming can’t turn around and condemn public shaming cuz of a little wet dirt.

        And for that reason, I’m out.

        • Kim Wescott
          May 7, 2019 at 4:28 pm

          Wait, you’re out? Promise? Don’t cross your fingers now.

          Your comment made my day. We are all hoping you are a man of your word.

    • Kim Wescott
      May 7, 2019 at 4:17 pm

      The choad went too far with the whole thing – a 17 year old, 80 lb kid. I get it. He stole something. I’d be angry too. But this guy was totally wrong. Reminded me a bit of the movie ‘Deliverance’ (remember that?) with the humiliation.

      If I were his parents, I’d take that video off his FB, go to the police and press charges. That is after I walloped him and grounded him till he was at least 18.

      The entire episode was assault. When he threw mud in his face,that was battery.

      Shame on you, you tiny-pricked piece of shit. And you call yourself a ‘man.’

  • WTF?
    May 7, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    What happened to the voting system?

  • Fuck thieves
    May 7, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    This is what should happen to all scumbags who steal. Props to this guy.

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    May 7, 2019 at 11:52 am

    You know some LIBERAL judge would let the kid WALK.

  • Fuck you
    May 7, 2019 at 11:31 am

    My boyfriends bike was in the garage he trying to get in and he tried stealing 4 Harley’s with his friends. Not dirt bikes. There was also a child sleeping in that house. This kid pulled up to the wrong place at the wrong time. Chris was already there smoking a butt get your facts straight. This was not about a dirt bike this was about the safety of a child and to teach this dirt bag a lesson. He brought this on himself trying to steal 4 bikes that are $10k or more.

    • cableguy
      May 7, 2019 at 2:21 pm

      he was outside at 4am smoking a butt yeah that makes sense chris martin is a fucking chud everyone in carver knows that.i would dare him to try this with any adult and they would show him what a real man is fuck off and fuck him

    • cableguy
      May 7, 2019 at 2:25 pm

      was it even chris martins house look at the pussy holding up handcuffs like some tough guy he’s a piece of shit I hope this kids father beats his ass

    • Kim Wescott
      May 7, 2019 at 4:23 pm

      This guy is your BOYFRIEND? And you admit that in public? On social media, knowing the internet is forever?

      What does he do to you when you piss him off? A ‘man’ who does this sort of thing doesn’t just do it once. It’s a lifestyle thing.

      I’ve, unfortunately, been in relationships with this kind of asshole. And I was so frightened by him, for a long time, I would defend him to other people. That was before social media.

      There are agencies that can help you. They helped me get out and stay safe.

    • PJ
      May 7, 2019 at 8:42 pm

      Martin was outside smoking a butt. Do you not think people who know you all very well read TB? He was probably looking for a vein. He is 6 foot four if not taller, and he is the biggest pussy that walks for this and many other things.

    • Fuck you too
      May 7, 2019 at 10:10 pm

      So if it was about the safety of the child why didn’t the child’s daddy do something about it. Is it because he isn’t around or does daddy feed Chris the diesel juice so he did it to clear his bill? So many questions. You can’t be to concerned with your child’s safety if you allow people like this around them. But it’s all good fuck you

  • American girl
    May 7, 2019 at 11:30 am

    “Imagine how small your trouser trout would have to be in order to feel the need to overcompensate to that level by tough guy virtue signaling on Facebook? “….LMAO!!!

    He even has the costume guys wear when they are compensating for a lack of, well, you know. The Harley apparel and the goatee. Classic overcompensating…LOL!!!!

    • cableguy
      May 7, 2019 at 1:18 pm

      this guy is a fucking retard kid a teenager the guy chris was a thieving junkie fuck him

    • Nee Chi
      May 7, 2019 at 1:28 pm

      Hahaha!! You huge stupid idiot!!

      Grow up, and stop picking on kids Tough Guy. Bwahahahah.

      Too funny!!

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