All-Star Criminals

Westerly Jizz Weasels Leave Crotch Fruits At Home To Rob Family Farm Stand Despite Recent No Contact Order That Prevents Them From Being Together

 

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Westerly, RI is the most underrated dump town in New England. And these two jizz monkeys who robbed a farm stand in Perryville (South Kingstown) are a perfect example of why.


Anyone whose lived in a rural area has driven by one of these family farms with a stand out front that uses the honor system. They operate under the assumption that because you’re not living in a fuckstain magnet like Pawtucket or West Warwick, no one would be low enough to steal the $20 in the jar that other people left for farm fresh eggs.

But these maggots all have Nissan Maxima’s now, so they’ve found new and creative ways to fuel their addictions to OC’s (probably).

Kendall is a walking incubator who has fired out a couple crotch dumplings, which of course she leaves at home when she’s out robbing family farm stands.

One day she saw this chudstuffer’s face.

And she said to herself, “I’d like to let him nut inside of me, preferably with no rubber on, so that we can increase our chances to procreate.”

Gabe is a born loser, which is why he proudly waves the flag of an imaginary country that never existed because Abraham Lincoln fucked them in the ass and stole all their slaves.

Waving the flag of losers and traitors who cowardly surrendered after starting a war they couldn’t finish is dumb if you live in the South, but it’s even dumber if you live in Rhode Island. I don’t think you’re racist; you’re just a loser.

In the least surprising turn of events ever Gabe Austin and his slampig baby momma are well known scumbags in that area.

He appears to specifically target victims who don’t speak English, like poor Lillian here.

And this one was by far my favorite.

The fact that more than one female is willing to give this custard guzzler’s yogurt slinger a tongue bath is so Rhode Island it hurts.

Busch Light. Nuff said.

Also, this guy gets it.

Our greatest contribution to society has been the fact that we’ve spread awareness of the dangers of anyone wearing a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat.

And according to others she lives…..

On a farm. Probably why a romantic date with her last boyfriend involved stepping in copious amounts of cow shit.

As usual, there was no shortage of enablers making excuses for them. I saw this complaint a lot.

I hate this shit with a burning passion, because we get this complaint a lot. If we screenshot your Facebook page to publicly shame you, it’s not our job to cover up the faces of your crotch fruits. You CHOSE to put their pictures all over your public Facebook page, and you CHOSE to engage in a life of crime. I shouldn’t have to care more about your kid’s privacy than you do.

Then there was this clam.

Dear Heidi,

There’s nothing in life I’m less interested in than getting to know their “journey.” They’re lowlife criminals who rob local farm stands. They deserve to be publicly shamed every day for the rest of their lives. The end.

Then there was this bullshit.

“He’s such a good kid. He has potential. She’s a bad influence.”

Oh yea, he seems like a GREAT kid with tons of potential based off his long and documented history in the Rhode Island courts.

Recent cases for domestic assault by strangulation, breaking and entering, conspiracy, larceny, violation of no contact orders, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, driving without a license, and whatever’s behind door number 3. Wicked good kid for sure. If only he didn’t knock up the farmer’s daughter he’d be at Brown right now getting his degree in rocket science.

 

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23 Comment(s)
  • Silencio Dogood
    August 28, 2019 at 2:38 am

    Getting up on the wro g side of the bed, he’s a good “kid” when he’s not himself.

  • Not Nice
    August 27, 2019 at 8:34 pm

    These two may be introduced to a surprise remote controlled IED at a farm stand to be determined. Or they will be invited to swim with the fishes.

  • Ryan
    August 27, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Please do a youtube of this story

  • Piñata Head
    August 27, 2019 at 5:49 pm

    Her current boyfriend is obviously an asshole. But that kid she took the picture with in the stable is one of the dumbest looking people I’ve ever seen. Is that a zombie costume or is that really that kid’s head? Holy shit that’s frightening

    • Theonewhoknocks
      August 28, 2019 at 4:20 pm

      I know! I zoomed in on his pic trying to determine if that massive head holding those creepy souless eyes could possibly be real. There is something majorly wrong in Denmark with that one

  • Captain Trips
    August 27, 2019 at 4:14 pm

    Why does this chick keep getting pregnant?

    With a juicy love hole like she has on her face, my dick would be there and not in the baby cannon

  • Whacky Jacky
    August 27, 2019 at 2:53 pm

    Scum of the earth. I’d like to break his middle fingers off and stick them up his ass

  • Mr. Leahy
    August 27, 2019 at 2:22 pm

    My daughter had a high school friend that was caught chewin’ and screwin’ from two different restaurants. When you google her name that is what comes up.

    Oh, did I mention that her parent’s owned 2 restaurants….

  • The Ghost of Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson
    August 27, 2019 at 2:12 pm

    Come again? You’re telling me we lost to those rapscallions?

  • Bertha von Nation
    August 27, 2019 at 1:43 pm

    This kid is only 20? Way to get a head start on being a complete scourge on society. I’m going home to hug my 19 year old son, who works at a chicken joint and goes to community college.

  • Cheddah
    August 27, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    Gabe has a very, very punchable face…
    On a side note, will the editor(s) at Turtleboy PLEASE not allow SSTG to make historical references ever again. She really fucked that one up.. Yes he’s a fucking loser for holding that flag, but just leave it at that…

    • Finn
      August 27, 2019 at 1:56 pm

      “PLEASE not allow SSTG to make historical references ever again. She really fucked that one up.. ”

      Strike a nerve?

      SSTG writes :

      “he proudly waves the flag of an imaginary country that never existed because Abraham Lincoln fucked them in the ass and stole all their slaves.”

      She (rightfully) mocks a guy from Rhode Island with “southern pride”. I guarantee Gabe couldn’t pass a Civil War 101 class with notes in front of him. He’s doing it for “shock and awe” and he just looks like an ass.

      Get Fucked,
      Finn

      • Huckleberry
        August 27, 2019 at 2:57 pm

        Dude, you’re soooo edgy. You tell people to F off like that other guy with no life who comments on every blog.

  • George Pickett
    August 27, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    “Waving the flag of losers and traitors who cowardly surrendered after starting a war they couldn’t finish is dumb”

    Learn fucking history dumbass, there is a reason the “Civil War” Is known as the “War of Northern Aggression”. You probably also think the North invaded the South to free the slaves….which is more revisionist history.

  • z
    August 27, 2019 at 12:38 pm

    He’s such a regular at the court houses, do they have a program where if you show a piece of paper that they’ll punch and when it’s full you can get a free ice cream cone? Great way to treat your best customers.

  • Herr Doktor
    August 27, 2019 at 12:09 pm

    I can fix that finger for him so it won’t be sticking out like that all the time, he doesn’t really need it anyway. With these two losers as parents just put the kids in jail now and save society from them; as for Bonnie and Clyde, well they’re just useless. Bring back the stocks and sell rotten fruit and vegetables to throw at them, they’ll detox there at no cost, funds to compensate their victims can be raised and the public can get some entertainment and exercise.

  • Dick Scratcher
    August 27, 2019 at 11:55 am

    With a record that long, how is that cunt still walking the streets and not locked up?

    #Baffling

    • Dick Scratcher
      August 27, 2019 at 1:42 pm

      Clearly this is not me as it isn’t even remotely funny.

      You’re an arse

      now off you fcuk

      DS

      • Dick Scratcher
        August 27, 2019 at 3:44 pm

        You’re getting better. Unfortunately you’re a genuine moron so your spelling, punctuation and grammar will always let you down.

        DS

  • Ratchetsaurous Rex
    August 27, 2019 at 11:45 am

    “Our greatest contribution to society has been the fact that we’ve spread awareness of the dangers of anyone wearing a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat.” Fucking loved that cause it is so true.

    For real though- I didn’t even do that shit when I was living that junkie life. Not only did I straighten the fuck up but I did it for my crotch fruits. But as I was reading this I felt bad for like a split second till it became known that her parents own a fucking farm. As for Gabe- he gon’ learn in the big house.

    Pieces of shit. Both of em. If you’re fucking up, then get your fucking shit together. Stop being disgusting assholes and grow the fuck up. It ain’t that fucking hard.

    • z
      August 27, 2019 at 12:01 pm

      Growing up can be hard. But, it’s got to be easier than whatever these 2 are doing.

  • z
    August 27, 2019 at 11:43 am

    You know, there’s doctors out there who could probably fix that finger so it wasn’t always extended.

  • Gash Basher
    August 27, 2019 at 11:36 am

    Junkies have no shame it’s hilarious.

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