All-Star Criminals

Does This Look Like A Guy Who Got Busted For Filming His Dog Giving Him A BJ In A West Springfield Motel Room And Sending It To Some Chick He Just Met In A Bruins Chatroom?

Does This Look Like A Guy Who Got Busted For Filming His Dog Giving Him A BJ In A West Springfield Motel Room And Sending It To Some Chick He Just Met In A Bruins Chatroom?

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MassliveAn Easthampton man has been charged with bestiality after allegedly making a video showing his dog performing a sexual act on him.

Oh for fuck’s sake. How is that even possible? How do you get your dog to do that without biting? And why would anyone ever even think to do something like that? Turns out it was for a chick:

Joshua E. Swift, 32, was scheduled for arraignment last week in Springfield District Court on one count of bestiality. When Swift failed to show up, a judge issued a warrant for his arrest. The case dates to October when a woman who met Swift on a Boston Bruins fan website contacted the Blanford Police Department. The woman, who developed an online relationship with Swift, told police he sent her a video showing his dog performing a sexual act on him, according to a complaint filed by Easthampton police.

Some people send strange women dick pics to break the ice. Not Josh Swift though. He does one better. Because sometimes you have to assume the woman you just started talking to in a Bruins chatroom just so happens to be into bestiality. 

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Questioned by investigators, Swift admitted making the video, but said the woman encouraged him to do it, the complaint said. The woman contacted police after he broke off their relationship, he said.

So let me get this straight. This guy’s story for the cops is that this chick encouraged him to make a video of his dog performing felatio on him. Out of the blue. For some strange reason he decided that this was the kind of chick he wanted to begin a relationship with, and he though it would be a good idea to go through with the video. Then, all of a sudden he dumped her and she called the cops on him out of jilted chick anger. Because guys who get blowjobs from dogs are in a position to dump women. Definitely. 

Swift claimed he was “wasted, lonely and in a bad state of mind” at the time he recorded the footage, and said the act shown in the video was “not something he would normally do,” the complaint said.

Oh good, it’s not something he “normally” does. Because normal guys go through a phase where they feed their dog mushroom tip soup in order to please a strange woman from a Bruins chatroom. 

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While speaking to police about the video, Swift complained that someone has been harassing his current girlfriend online and even sent her a copy of the recording. “Mr. Swift is angry that the video is being spread,” the complaint said.

Wait…..what? Current girlfriend? So you’re telling me that someone sent this chick a video of Josh’s self-produced bestiality film in which he played the leading role, and she still is referred to as his “current” girlfriend. Yup, she sounds perfectly stable. 

 

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The bestiality charge is not the first encounter with the court system for Swift, a self-employed roofer. Between 2001 and 2010, fifteen criminal charges were filed against him, including assault and battery, driving with a suspended license, trespassing, malicious damage, leaving the scene of a property damage accident, and marijuana possession. While most charges were dismissed or continued without a finding, Swift was ordered to serve two six-month jail terms in separate assault cases and six more months in a domestic abuse case. Six restraining orders also were filed against him between 2007 and 2011, according to court records.

Those crimes can probably all be explained away by crazy chicks who just wanted the D. Unfortunately if you walk on two legs, you’re just not Josh’s type. 

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Anyway, this guy owning his own business is probably the smartest thing he’s ever done. Because the thought of a prospective employer doing a background check on this guy is the funniest thing Turtleboy has thought of all day. After all, when you get a resume, and you do a Google search for the candidate, and this is the first thing that pops up:

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It’s pretty safe to say they’re not getting a call back. 

 

Anyway, glad to see the dog is safe and sound, although poor Rocko looks like he’s got some years of intensive therapy ahead of him. 

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28 Comment(s)
  • JustaTBFan
    March 31, 2017 at 4:51 pm

    Eww ewww ewww and did I mention ewww?!?! I love the part you said about prospective employers googling him. Would love to see what the person says to him when telling him he’s not getting hired

  • Mirror Mirror
    December 21, 2016 at 6:23 pm

    So does this mean Jeff Neal is getting into the dog kennel business?

  • Reddog
    December 21, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    Surprised this guy has to resort to spreading Skippy on his junk to attract a chick. He’s built like a brick shithouse. I’m built like an igloo,and never had to leave mushroom prints in the Peter Pan to get chicks. Jesus.

  • juror seven esq.
    December 21, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    Sounds like something John Fresolo would do.

  • Chrissy
    December 21, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    Everyone that owns a dog knows dogs love to lick…eat..and roll around in shit that stinks! So doesnt say much for that guy…if that dog sat there and licked his junk long enough to video it…means it must have stank and been dirty something fierce…….so the video should be the least of his issues…and go get himself checked! Lmfao

  • wabbitt
    December 21, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    “mushroom tip soup”

    I think TB may have crossed a line with that one. Like – that actually made me retch. TOO descriptive, sir.

  • Talisman
    December 21, 2016 at 8:58 am

    Did this mean he’s gay? Or is it just his dog?

    • Turd Burglestein
      December 21, 2016 at 12:21 pm

      That depends on whether or not he returned the favor and sucked on the red rocket.

      • White pride white power
        December 21, 2016 at 1:06 pm

        I personally love sucking doggy Dick, but only white dogs.

  • BOBNMIC
    December 21, 2016 at 8:13 am

    I TAUGHT THIS GUY ALL THE MOVES AND HE GOES AND GET BUSTED… WHAT A SHAME! YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I GOT JOSH TO DO FOR SOME PEANUT BUTTER!

    • BobnMic's Gerbil
      December 21, 2016 at 10:06 am

      Tell them about how you coax me into your back door with Hartz treats, then smear a little tuna on your ass lips and have the cat chase me around your lower colon like an episode of Tom & Jerry.

      • Rutland Rider
        December 21, 2016 at 12:21 pm

        Ahhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha haaaaaa. PERFECT!

        BTW….LOVE the new format, TB.

      • BOBNMIC
        December 21, 2016 at 12:42 pm

        NO I WILL NOT TELL THEM! THAT IS OUR SPECIAL TIME! WHO TOLD YOU COULD GET OUT OF MY ASS? THAT’S IT YOU ARE GOING IN TIME OUT NO MORE ASS PLAY AND TREATS FOR YOU!

        • The Real BobnMic
          December 21, 2016 at 1:30 pm

          If you’re having trouble keeping your gerbil from escaping your gaping anus, might I suggest sprinkling some alum on your wrinkled star? That will tighten things back up so nice you won’t know if that’s your gerbil or your ass making that squeaking noise.

  • Ryan
    December 21, 2016 at 8:07 am

    How do you get your dog to do that without biting?

    Simple, peanut butter.

  • Ryan
    December 21, 2016 at 8:05 am

    How do you get your dog to do that without biting?

    Answer is simple my friend, peanut butter.

  • Just a fan
    December 21, 2016 at 6:54 am

    DIdnt they say in the movie Road Trip that if you spread peanut butter all over yourself and let your dog lick it off IT’s OKAY because it’s your dog… bahahahahahhhabababbahahahha
    Ewwwwe

  • Noseface
    December 21, 2016 at 6:39 am

    Do you even lift bruh?

  • Tngsucks
    December 21, 2016 at 6:38 am

    And if there is evidence the woman encouraged him then she should be charged as an accessory to the crime.

  • Tngsucks
    December 21, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Was he holding the ears or have one hand on the back of the dogs head with one hand on his hip? It is a fact that dogs lick stuff and don’t care what. This case is a waste of the court’s time. This is more about morals than harming an animal.

  • Turd Burglestein
    December 21, 2016 at 6:14 am

    I bet that guy has lots of jars of peanut butter around his house.

  • john
    December 21, 2016 at 1:41 am

    thats what id call a lap dog

  • Shackleford
    December 21, 2016 at 1:36 am

    Wonder if Rocko left him with a Blue Buffalo.

  • WHATEVUH
    December 21, 2016 at 12:01 am

    That guy is a sick puppy . . . sorry had to say it

  • Fido
    December 20, 2016 at 11:53 pm

    Truly man’s best friend…

  • Kailey elizabeth carlson
    December 20, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    Hay turtle riders. I don’t know if anyone on here can help me, but I’m currently homeless with my husband. I was just hoping someone could donate some dog food for our soon to be adopted, sexually abused pit bull rocko.

  • Kailey elizabeth carlson
    December 20, 2016 at 11:36 pm

    Me and my husband are looking for a dog just like this one. On cold nights we’ll suck the dogs Dick to keep him warm.

  • Coffee
    December 20, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    Fetch my pipe and slippers, and then unzip my fly.

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