All-Star Criminals

Another Chudstuffer Was Arrested For Killing A Seagull With A Rock In Rhode Island, Because This Is Apparently A Thing Now

Another Chudstuffer Was Arrested For Killing A Seagull With A Rock In Rhode Island, Because This Is Apparently A Thing Now

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WPRIA Massachusetts man is facing charges for allegedly killing a seagull with a rock at a Rhode Island beach. Westerly Police Capt. Shawn Lacey says 19-year-old Michael Holmes, of Pittsfield, was walking on Misquamicut State Beach with friends last week when he picked up a rock and threw it at a seagull, causing it to fall to the beach. The Westerly Sun reports the seagull was pronounced dead by state environmental officials. Lacey says several bystanders confronted Holmes and his friends, resulting in an argument. Lifeguards broke up the fight and called police, who took Holmes into custody.

Is this the new summer “thing” now? Killing seagulls? Because it’s not in the Turtleboy playbook. Usually we see a pretty consistent cycle. In the winter it’s stories about assholes who don’t clear the snow off the top of their car. In the summer it’s supposed to be stories about people living children and dogs in cars while they’re in Wal-Mart. But this summer it seems to be chuds throwing rocks at seagulls who keep making the headlines. What possesses people to do this? When did this become a thing? I know seagulls are nothing more than rats with wings. I get that. But can’t you just shoot them with a water gun or throw sand at them or something? Takes a pretty demented fudgestain to throw a rock at a seagull. Not that I’m losing much sleep over the death of a seagull since they’re a dime a dozen and they’d probably just get eaten by a whale in the long run. But in fairness nature should be allowed to take its course.

Anyway, this appears to be the culprit:

Wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. As a matter of fact when I searched for Michael Holmes from Pittsfield on Facebook, I found this winner with five different Facebook pages:

He is also Michael Holmes from Pittsfield. He has been arrested a million times before. He is exactly what someone who would be inclined to throw rocks at a seagull would look like. And he appears to be the IDEAL chudstuffer to blog about on Turtleboy.

But alas it was the other Michael Holmes from Pittsfield. Although I’d bet good money that 31 year old Michael Holmes would throw rocks at seagulls if he could ever get a ride out of Pittsfield. Just sayin.



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12 Comment(s)
  • Murt Burful
    July 22, 2017 at 8:54 am

    Is there a new writer on board? Because this story looks like it should be authored by social justice warrior turtle boy. It’s a fucking seagull, nobody should be upset about a seagull getting killed. What’s next, protecting flies, mosquitos, rats, ants?

    • jsjsl
      July 23, 2017 at 12:24 pm

      man, you a sociopath

  • Manuel Labor
    July 22, 2017 at 7:56 am

    That white boy is wasting food, I would of fed my Latino familia with that bird. We like to eat seagulls, is good.

    • Donkey show
      July 22, 2017 at 7:59 am

      The Mexican “chicken of the sea”!!!

  • Dick Dover
    July 22, 2017 at 7:52 am

    Good shot
    …We use to feed them alka-seltzer and watch them pop. Good times. Also, fuck seagulls and fuck Rhode Island

  • Serial killer to be
    July 21, 2017 at 11:41 pm

    Seagulls are gross no question, especially the ones that migrated from ocean the the scenic parking lots of Lincoln Plaza or Grafton Hill. Regardless though, throwing rocks is torturing an animal. Leaving it inured on purpose and suffering on purpose is an early sign of some serious shit. I remember hearing about throwing Alka-seltzer cuz when they eat it they explode. I was like wtf is wrong with people? And that was back in the ’90s. If your torturing animals today, tmrw you’re lighting shit on fire, then its clock tower time and putting the fucking lotion in the basket….. don’t be a dick

  • FatFingr Lou
    July 21, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    pigeon…flying rat

    seagull…naval flying rat

  • Another M-asshole
    July 21, 2017 at 8:07 am


  • Another M-asshole
    July 21, 2017 at 8:02 am

    His pictures go from age 17 high school boy to age 45 meth-head, in zero seconds.
    When the rock misses and hits a 3 year old in the face he doesn’t care about that either.

  • Renee's Chin Drippings
    July 21, 2017 at 7:38 am

    Seagull = Rhode Island Cod

  • FA
    July 21, 2017 at 7:14 am

    There is nothing wrong with killing seagulls. Why even post his picture?

  • July 21, 2017 at 5:53 am

    Without the pictures, I would have thought Randy Johnson moved to Rhode Island.

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