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The first of hopefully many relatives to come has stepped forward on the Turtleboy Sports Returns Facebook page, and attempted to defend one of the girls who assaulted, kidnapped, and bullied a girl in a Billerica High School locker room. Meet Dustin Menezes of Billerica.

He didn’t say who he was related to, and quite frankly it doesn’t really matter, because he’s his own blog unto himself. And Thrustin Dustin came out firing.

Nothing says, “my niece really isn’t the vapid suckapotamus you all think she is from that video” quite like her uncle accusing other people’s daughters of being sluts who sell access to their taco warmers in exchange for drug money. I thought these girls were terrible at first, then I read Thrustin’s thoughts and I realized that they actually came from great homes and probably just had a bad day.

Thrustin’s got friends in low places. And while they’re down he shows us what he can do to their glory holes.

Nice.

He was just getting warmed up though. Turns out the victim actually got what she deserved.

Life ain’t no fairy tale, just ask Thrustin Dustin.

He can’t find a guy to propose to him. Can’t imagine why, because he seems like quite the catch.

According to him, the victim had it coming because she had the audacity to hit the follow button on Instagram. This definitely puts the girls in a better light.

But what if that was your niece Thrustin Dustin?

Yea, in the Menevez household they learn at a young age only to hit the follow button once. Homey don’t play that. And anyone who wants to talk shit about his bullying niece can be merked by this cold blooded gangsta.

Lots of bad ass men get professional pictures taken at romantic lighthouses by themselves for absolutely no reason.

Turns out Dustin here likely sympathizes with his criminal niece because he’s got so much experience with the law himself.

Yup, Doogie Trouser Trout got caught trying to steal money from a MBTA deposit box with a God damn drill. Because nobody will notice the guy in highly trafficked public place using a drill to break into a deposit box.

Of course this happened just weeks after his arrest for breaking into someone’s house in Billerica. But he had a foolproof getaway for that one – he put duct tape over the license plate.

That will fool the cops! There’s nothing suspicious at all about a vehicle with a hidden license plate at a house where the silent alarm is going off.

Anyway, Uncle Turtleboy wants me to pass along the message that Thrustin Dustin is more than welcome to come on the Turtleboy Live show this Saturday night and explain why it was OK for his niece to do what she did. I’m sure after a few days of thinking about it he’ll be able to articulate his thoughts even more brilliantly than he already has.