Homoerotic Chinstrap McGee And NH Justin Bieber Defend Thriving Rap Careers On Rochester PD Facebook Page After Armed Robbery Arrest Leads To “Only God Can Judge” Commentary

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This past month there seems to be an ongoing correlation between dipshit criminals and the area of Rochester, N.H. At first it just seemed like a mere coincidence but after a little bit of research and having way too much time on my hands, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a direct line of magnetism between this part of New Hampshire and the idiots that flock to it to commit felonies. Here’s the latest winners – two bumbling jam-jars who decided to knock over a Shell station in Rochester last week:

Alex Toribio and Joseph Rapaglia decided that 12:30 a.m. was primetime for jacking a gas station. Unfortunately they forgot that it’s 2017 and video cameras exist so naturally it wasn’t long before this knockoff Beavis and Butthead duo got scooped up. They are ALSO serving time at the Strafford House Of Corrections where I’m sure Rapaglia will be a big hit with quite a few beefcakes in general population. That Justin Beiber haircut and baby-soft skin is an easy target for late night struggle snuggles.

Let me tell ya, these two are real winners. First of all, there’s nothing homoerotic about selfies like this:

Nothing at all. I think it’s safe to assume that Aaron Carter was the ringleader. After all, check out how fly he be:

Wiiiii-nnnneeerrrr.

Based on Alejandro’s Facebook page, he appears to be nothing more than hired goon help:

Personally, if I’m robbing a gas station, I’m not going with anyone who can’t afford a fitted hat. I mean, what is that thing he’s got on his head? Come on Alex, you’re not supposed to wear those things after graduating from tee-ball.

Anyway, it wouldn’t be a police shaming post if friends and family came out to defend the honor of these junkie train armed robbers. You might not know it by looking at them, but Alex is in fact an “amazing kid”:

Yea, lots of “amazing kids” rob Shell Stations. That’s a word I’d use to describe him for sure.

But it’s all good, because he’s just a “good kid in a bad spot”:

Yea, just a junkie in need of a fix so he robbed a gas station. We’ve all been there before. Who can’t relate?

But it’s OK that they committed this serious crime, because he’s “struggling financially” and thus we must “stop judging”:

After all, only God can judge on ratchet island.

Not sure why this chick says he’s struggling financially though. After all, Alejandro showed up on the Rochester PD’s Facebook page (because, of course he did) and told everyone how well is rap career was going:

LOL. The best part is that Steven Gaulin was more than likely being tongue in cheek, and just kind of making a joke about his assumption that a loser like this would be doubling as a Rochester rapper. Then Alejandro comes out of nowhere to confirm that he is indeed the walking stereotype we all dreamed he would be.

It’s all good in the hood though, because according to Alex, the cashier who he pointed a gun at was “pretty chill.” We can even ask him ourselves:

I’m honestly considering driving to Rochester right now to meet this cashier. Sounds like the chillest dude in America. Armed robbery? Cool man. Do what you gotta do bro!! Just like, don’t screw up my buzz man.

And perhaps in the strangest turn of events, this Mexican-American criminal is a Donald Trump supporter:

Do you know what the odds of that in Vegas would be? Like, a billion to one.

So long story short, it seems as though anybody who is nobody is getting a bunk at Strafford this Spring. Perhaps they’ll find safety in numbers and kickstart a new boyband. We can call them N*Fuct. All we need now is grandmaster Rochester, Tony DeYoung.

 
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