Introducing The Turtleboy Ticket For Primary Tuesday

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Tomorrow is primary election day in Massachusetts (and everywhere) so we thought we’d run down the Turtleboy Ticket so we can help you figure out who to vote for…..

State Representative Brockton

This is the only State Rep race we really care about because it’s the worst person in the world who currently has the seat –

Michelle Dubois. If you want to know some of the million and one reasons to write in her opponent John Cruz tomorrow, read our blog from earlier.



Honestly we could care less about this. Charlie Baker will win the primary and then the general election. He’s completely useless and sucks at life. But the left will put up someone even crazier who will accuse him of being a Trump supporter, get 40% of the vote, and we’ll get four more years of Tall Deval. Baker is running against Scott Lively, who is a joke:

He has 100 followers on Twitter and thinks he is some sort of serious candidate. His big thing is he seems to be trapped in the 90’s when it comes to gay people:

He’s literally batshit insane. If there were a normal conservative challenging Baker we could get behind them. But this guy is a lunatic and is to the right what Michelle Dubois is to the left – an embarrassment. We are writing in Turtleboy on this ballot.


U.S. Senate

It’s a three way race between Geoff Diehl, Beth Lindstrom, and John Kingston. Both Diehl and Lindstrom seem like smart people, largely because they followed us on Twitter before we got permanently suspended and were donated this new account. I don’t want to endorse one over the other, I just want Elizabeth Warren to lose. It’s highly unlikely to happen, but both of them could at least give her a run for their money and keep her honest. We wouldn’t vote for Kingston simply because there’s one asshole supporting him who we can’t stand. And because of this association he would never get our vote. Lesson learned for future candidates – if you associate with trash we will treat you like it. Plus, the dude is a coward who was part of the never-Trump bullshit, which basically means he was supporting Hillary Clinton. So yea, go with Diehl or Lindstrom.


Attorney General

It’s patent attorney Dan Shores vs. Jay McMahon in the Republican primary, and winner gets to go against the anti-christ herself – Maura Healey. We’re supporting Jay McMahon because he’s the man. Our interview with him was electric. It’s going to be extremely hard to challenge Maura Healey, but Jay is really personable and if he gets elected he’s going to start going after tech companies like Facebook and hold them responsible for censoring dissenting voices like Turtleboy.


2nd Congressional District

Tracy Lovvorn deserves your vote in the Republican primary tomorrow in order to challenge Jim McGovern, the entrenched incumbent who has been sitting in Washington collecting checks for the last 20 years. Check out the podcast we did with her and you’ll understand why.


7th Congressional District

What’s happening here is basically what happened in New York with Joe Crowley against Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya. An old white guy democrat (Mike Capuano) has held the seat since the beginning of time and a young woman of color (Ayanna Pressley) wants to take it from him. They basically believe in all of the same shit except Ayanna Pressley fills two diversity checkboxes, which allegedly means something to democrats. At least they say it does. The fact that he’s still endorsed by most of the establishment shows you just how little the left actually gives a shit about diversity.

But identity politics did work for her in grabbing Maura Healey’s and the Boston Globe’s endorsement. The Globe’s reasoning?

“Pressley, who was the first black woman elected to the City Council and would be the first black woman ever elected to congress in Massachusetts, has rare political talents.”

Yea, political talents. Like not being white and male. That’s literally it. Mike Capuano actually has worked in congress and understands how it works. But his political talents (being white and male) are far from rare.

It’s insane, because if you’re a liberal Mike Capuano has done absolutely everything right. You can’t point to a single vote or issue and be like, “this dude’s with Trump.” He’s as far left as you can get, but now he’s basically being attacked for being old, white, and male. How does it feel to get eaten by your own Mikey boy? Because it’s fascinating to watch.

I’m torn on this one. One the one hand I would love to watch someone like Capuano get eaten alive and backstabbed by the people he’s been pretending to care about for the last 20 years. On the other hand, this lady wants to abolish ICE and is completely out of her mind. But on the other hand, Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya has entertained me greatly with all the dumb things she’s said since winning. So yea, if you’re serious about who would do a better job, I’d vote for Capuano. But if you’re like me and you want to watch the world burn, vote for Pressley.


8th Congressional District 

This is an easy one. Steven Lynch is probably the most reasonable, balanced, and best congressman in Massachusetts. One of the few who doesn’t continually embarrass our state every time he speaks. If more democrats were like him we would have less problems and no Trump. His opponent is a rabid SJW named Brianna Wu who doesn’t think he’s crazy enough to serve. Vote for Lynch.


Secretary of State

This is something that doesn’t really affect anyone. My only relation with Bill Galvin is that he’s the guy we have to register our business with every year. I have no complaints and thus no reason for him not to have the job. Plus the guy running against him in the democratic primary (Josh Zakim) seems like a real douchebag.


So there’s your Turtleboy ticket:

John Cruz for State Rep

Turtleboy for governor

Diehl or Lindstrom for Senate

McMahon for AG

Lovvorn for 2nd Congressional district

Capuano for 7th Congressional district (if you want normal) Pressley if you want chaos and the destruction of the democratic party

Lynch 8th Congressional District

Galvin for Secretary of State

13 Comment(s)
  • Bob Van Herdenfloogen
    September 4, 2018 at 12:12 pm

    Note that, as an Independent, Shiva will not be on the primary ballot. But he will be on the ballot in November, so you can vote for him then.

  • Freedom Slate
    September 4, 2018 at 12:22 am

    Lively has more support than you give him credit for, TB.
    Fuck Tall Deval.
    Fuck that Freedom hating rugmunch too.
    Vote Diehl, McMahon and Lively. Write in Cruz.

    • Stunt Penis
      September 4, 2018 at 8:05 am

      Lively will get 25-40%. A lot of republicans despise Baker. In the end, though, Baker will win, even though he’s a democrat.

      If democrats can run candidates in the republican party, why doesn’t the republican party start running candidates in the democrat party?

  • Nostradamus
    September 3, 2018 at 9:14 pm

    This is the funniest blog of the year.
    Stay away from racetracks.

  • Stand up to the Swamp
    September 3, 2018 at 7:59 pm

    Vote Presley she’s a Maxine Waters type, she does more harm than good to the Democrats/Socialist party she is dumb and irrational she will embarrass Dems for years to come and repulse classic blue collar Dems.

    McGovern has to go, he hasn’t even lived in Worcester County in 2 decades, his house is for propaganda only. He’s a belt-way buttnut.

  • Chester
    September 3, 2018 at 7:19 pm

    McMahon is the only person on this list who can talk his own shit and back it up. Fuck Maura Healey. She is adamant to take rights away from Americans. Other than that, she is absolutely useless.

    September 3, 2018 at 5:36 pm

    Write in Brian Muello for US Senate and take your country back. Brian is the only real US Senate candidate to challenge Liz Warren and he is the only real candidate whosevword you can trust

    • No Brian, just NO.
      September 4, 2018 at 12:14 am

      Still riding around in your little red corvette and rubbing your chubbie on Wollaston Beach, Brian?
      How about that limo with the TRUMP 5 plate? Still have that, too?
      This is what delusion looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

      • No One Laughs At Me
        October 27, 2020 at 9:31 pm

        Wait until I win by write in in 2020

  • fartblaster420
    September 3, 2018 at 5:32 pm

    Jamie Eldridge is possibly the worst person on earth, and nothing?

  • James Curley
    September 3, 2018 at 5:14 pm

    God, you guys are dumb. Very first sentence implies that every state is having they’re primary on Tuesday. Why don’t you leave politics to the people who can write in complete sentences and stick to your usual vilifying of the poor?

  • Frank Sisto
    Doctor Butcher, MD
    September 3, 2018 at 4:00 pm

    Beth Lindstrom a fraud RINO, sorry. Look for Howie Carr’s interview with her several weeks back, she wouldn’t take a stand on anything, even the most fundamental no-brainer commons sense positions (if you’re a conservative). Diehl is the only dog in that fight.

    • Father Howie
      September 3, 2018 at 5:40 pm

      Diehl has no confidence and cant engage the people unless Papa howie is holding his hand on stage. Diehl will pull a Scott Brown and emulate Baker.

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