This is so Ludlow it hurts, guys. Yesterday, Western Mass News broke this harrowing story of a really real, really terrifying armed robbery at the local Domino’s Pizza:

Western Mass News: 

“LUDLOW, MA (WGGB/WSHM) – A scary situation at the Domino’s on Center Street in Ludlow Monday night.

Authorities say a man walked into the restaurant, demanded cash, and then took off.

One Domino’s employee describes the terrifying moments when a man walked in with half is face covered, and slid over a note saying he had a gun and wanted cash.

“No mask. All I seen was the tip of his nose and his eyes, and then he was gone as quickly as he came in,” Domino’s employee Brian Groodreau tells us.

Brian Groodreau spoke exclusively with Western Mass News, describing the scary moment that took place inside the Domino’s in Ludlow Monday night.

“He passed me a note that said if i don’t give him the money he was going to shoot,” says Groodreau.

Groodreau emptied the cash drawer.

“I just threw it all on the table. I took all the money. I threw it on the table. I left out the change, because I figured he ain’t going to take the change, and then he scooped it up and put it in his pocket and started booking it,” continued Groodreau.

…….Investigators say they are not sure how much money the suspect got away with.

“These crimes are usually done by someone pretty desperate, looking for money or some type of means,” added Lt. Valadas.

Police are still looking for the suspect, who they say is in his twenties.

They say if anyone was in the Center Street area near Domino’s around 7:00 Monday night and saw anything suspicious, to give them a call.”

Ok, first of all, can I ask, who decided putting this morbidly obese buffoon in charge of all those fast food carbs and transfats?

That can’t be good for business. It’s like trusting a crackhead to sell crack – you can’t trust them with the stash, and it’s just not great advertising to put the adverse effects of your product right at the front of the house.

And second of all, is any of this kids story even remotely believable to you? The guy wasn’t wearing a mask, but he only got a glimpse of the tip of his nose and his eyes. And somehow this master burglar managed to slip the kid a note while brandishing a gun, grabbed all the money and got out of there and far the fuck away faster than a Lawrence sperm donor going out for a pack of Newport 100s.

Police sketch of suspect based on witness description

Seems legit. And I’m sorry, all that trouble to rob a Domino’s pizza location? Sure. When I stop and think “What’s worth armed robbery charges?” the first thing that comes to mind is robbing a shitty pizza franchise.

Obviously an establishment flush with cash. Someone call in Ocean’s 11 for this caper!

Now, granted, it’s not outside the realm of possibility in a vokestachio-and-incest Mecca such as Ludlow, but this fatass went entirely too extra with his story. Just look at the shifty eyes on this porkrind while he stammers out this line of utter bullshit.

You forgot to add “This is MAGA country!”, Brian. Gets ’em every time.

As you would have it, this is not just common sense speaking here at this point, it’s objective fact. Because less than 24 hours after Notorious P.I.G. did this unconvincing interview, this happened:

Western Mass News: 

“Ludlow Police now say an employee at the Domino’s on Center Street, who claimed he was robbed, was actually in on the robbery.

That suspect, Brian Goodreau, spoke exclusively with Western Mass News last night. He told us a man with his face covered, handed him a note saying he had a gun, and demanded money.

……

However, Ludlow Police said it turns out that this was just a scheme…..

……Ludlow Police Lt. Daniel Valadas said that further investigation led to a confession from that alleged victim and reported caller, 25-year-old Brian Goodreau of Wilbraham.

Investigators said Goodreau confessed to planning the Domino’s robbery in Ludlow with 50-year-old Paul Cunningham of Springfield.

It all happened early Monday night while Goodreau was working.

“There was some suspicious circumstances that we recognized right away,” said Ludlow Police Sgt. Daniel Valadas.

Goodreau spoke exclusively and openly with Western Mass News on Monday night about the robbery.

“Well, this time, the safe was open. Usually, it’s not, so he got all that. He probably got like $400…I thought it was left, but apparently from the footage, he said right,” Goodreau noted.

Valadas said those details are exactly what led the police to to Goodreau.

“There were no other employees that, at the time, were at that location. Also, there was talk about the suspect gave a separate area where he fled into. There was a different direction that the suspect fled,” Valadas said.

Police said other details didn’t seem to add up.”

Details didn’t add up. You don’t say. Perhaps, for instance, the guy in his 20s the cops were told to look for, who ended up looking a lot less like King Cholesterol’s description, and more like every vagrant drunk who loiters outside of every Springfield package store, ever.

Paul Cunningham, 50, of Springfield

A formidable crime duo these two make, let me tell you. Criminal cunning at it’s finest. You can just tell.

This fucking idiot executed this so poorly, he didn’t even have time to change out of his uniform before taking his mugshot. That’s how quickly they cut through the bullshit.

Brian Goodreau, 25, of Wilbraham

That’s not good for your resume, I’d imagine.

But hey, who knew that the Western Mass ogre with a BMI higher than his IQ was fibbing when he claimed he was robbed by the flash in a Hijab? Well, I mean, I assume most people would, but not Western Mass News!

Damn, Sarah Guernelli. That’s embarrassing!