All-Star Criminals

Ludlow Lardvark Reports A Robbery While Working At Domino’s Pizza, Hours Later Confesses To Setting Up The Whole Thing

This is so Ludlow it hurts, guys. Yesterday, Western Mass News broke this harrowing story of a really real, really terrifying armed robbery at the local Domino’s Pizza:


Western Mass News: 

“LUDLOW, MA (WGGB/WSHM) – A scary situation at the Domino’s on Center Street in Ludlow Monday night.

Authorities say a man walked into the restaurant, demanded cash, and then took off.

One Domino’s employee describes the terrifying moments when a man walked in with half is face covered, and slid over a note saying he had a gun and wanted cash.

“No mask. All I seen was the tip of his nose and his eyes, and then he was gone as quickly as he came in,” Domino’s employee Brian Groodreau tells us.

Brian Groodreau spoke exclusively with Western Mass News, describing the scary moment that took place inside the Domino’s in Ludlow Monday night.

“He passed me a note that said if i don’t give him the money he was going to shoot,” says Groodreau.

Groodreau emptied the cash drawer.

“I just threw it all on the table. I took all the money. I threw it on the table. I left out the change, because I figured he ain’t going to take the change, and then he scooped it up and put it in his pocket and started booking it,” continued Groodreau.

…….Investigators say they are not sure how much money the suspect got away with.

“These crimes are usually done by someone pretty desperate, looking for money or some type of means,” added Lt. Valadas.

Police are still looking for the suspect, who they say is in his twenties.

They say if anyone was in the Center Street area near Domino’s around 7:00 Monday night and saw anything suspicious, to give them a call.”


Ok, first of all, can I ask, who decided putting this morbidly obese buffoon in charge of all those fast food carbs and transfats?

That can’t be good for business. It’s like trusting a crackhead to sell crack – you can’t trust them with the stash, and it’s just not great advertising to put the adverse effects of your product right at the front of the house.

And second of all, is any of this kids story even remotely believable to you? The guy wasn’t wearing a mask, but he only got a glimpse of the tip of his nose and his eyes. And somehow this master burglar managed to slip the kid a note while brandishing a gun, grabbed all the money and got out of there and far the fuck away faster than a Lawrence sperm donor going out for a pack of Newport 100s.

Police sketch of suspect based on witness description


Seems legit. And I’m sorry, all that trouble to rob a Domino’s pizza location? Sure. When I stop and think “What’s worth armed robbery charges?” the first thing that comes to mind is robbing a shitty pizza franchise.


Obviously an establishment flush with cash. Someone call in Ocean’s 11 for this caper!

Now, granted, it’s not outside the realm of possibility in a vokestachio-and-incest Mecca such as Ludlow, but this fatass went entirely too extra with his story. Just look at the shifty eyes on this porkrind while he stammers out this line of utter bullshit.


You forgot to add “This is MAGA country!”, Brian. Gets ’em every time.

As you would have it, this is not just common sense speaking here at this point, it’s objective fact. Because less than 24 hours after Notorious P.I.G. did this unconvincing interview, this happened:


Western Mass News: 

“Ludlow Police now say an employee at the Domino’s on Center Street, who claimed he was robbed, was actually in on the robbery.

That suspect, Brian Goodreau, spoke exclusively with Western Mass News last night. He told us a man with his face covered, handed him a note saying he had a gun, and demanded money.


However, Ludlow Police said it turns out that this was just a scheme…..

……Ludlow Police Lt. Daniel Valadas said that further investigation led to a confession from that alleged victim and reported caller, 25-year-old Brian Goodreau of Wilbraham.

Investigators said Goodreau confessed to planning the Domino’s robbery in Ludlow with 50-year-old Paul Cunningham of Springfield.

It all happened early Monday night while Goodreau was working.

“There was some suspicious circumstances that we recognized right away,” said Ludlow Police Sgt. Daniel Valadas.

Goodreau spoke exclusively and openly with Western Mass News on Monday night about the robbery.

“Well, this time, the safe was open. Usually, it’s not, so he got all that. He probably got like $400…I thought it was left, but apparently from the footage, he said right,” Goodreau noted.

Valadas said those details are exactly what led the police to to Goodreau.

“There were no other employees that, at the time, were at that location. Also, there was talk about the suspect gave a separate area where he fled into. There was a different direction that the suspect fled,” Valadas said.

Police said other details didn’t seem to add up.”

Details didn’t add up. You don’t say. Perhaps, for instance, the guy in his 20s the cops were told to look for, who ended up looking a lot less like King Cholesterol’s description, and more like every vagrant drunk who loiters outside of every Springfield package store, ever.

Paul Cunningham, 50, of Springfield

A formidable crime duo these two make, let me tell you. Criminal cunning at it’s finest. You can just tell.

This fucking idiot executed this so poorly, he didn’t even have time to change out of his uniform before taking his mugshot. That’s how quickly they cut through the bullshit.

Brian Goodreau, 25, of Wilbraham

That’s not good for your resume, I’d imagine.


But hey, who knew that the Western Mass ogre with a BMI higher than his IQ was fibbing when he claimed he was robbed by the flash in a Hijab? Well, I mean, I assume most people would, but not Western Mass News!

Damn, Sarah Guernelli. That’s embarrassing!



39 Comment(s)
  • Fatso Can’t Read. Duh
    June 20, 2019 at 6:34 pm

    I knew he was lying as soon as they said he was passed a note. It quite obvious he can’t read
    How does a young person get that fat? How does anyone for that matter.

  • Well, No Shit
    June 20, 2019 at 7:39 am

    This dude just ruined his life over a measly $400.

    Not a great decision maker, this one.

  • MILFmanJack
    June 19, 2019 at 10:34 pm

    Brian’s an awesome kid….he just got mixed up with the wrong crowd is all.

  • Authentic
    June 19, 2019 at 9:25 pm


    There once was a fat kid named Brian,

    Now you can’t say this kid wasn’t tryin’,

    Told the cops he got jacked,
    But the story was whacked…

    They knew all along he was lying.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      June 19, 2019 at 10:44 pm

      **Standing ovation**

      Well done, sir!

  • Ted Baxter
    June 19, 2019 at 9:07 pm

    They planned this. I am sure one look at the surveillance cameras gave away this duo! The thought that he is putting together my pizza turns me off of food.

  • capone181
    Total Mayhem
    June 19, 2019 at 7:18 pm

    Will someone please start a go fund me, so we can purchase an inflatable doll to be Brian’s cellmate?

    • ncfoothillbilly
      June 19, 2019 at 9:31 pm

      Not to worry, he’ll be inflating a ‘doll’ in the hoosegow. Fucking thieves…I hate ’em.

  • capone181
    Total Mayhem
    June 19, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    Is it true he confessed after eating a dozen doughnuts, two Boston crème pies, and numerous pieces of Baklava?

    I’m sure the person who plotted this caper isn’t in possession of the nuclear launch codes.

  • Captain Trips
    Ludlow Dominos Shrinkage Department
    June 19, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    We here at the Ludlow Dominos have been trying to figure out where, for the past 4 months, we’ve been losing the ingredients for approximately 75 party-sized pizzas per month.

    The shrinkage just suddenly stopped.

    We are still investigating.

    We’ll keep you updated.

  • Captain Trips
    Chevy Chase
    June 19, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    Brian Goodreau is a nice guy. I used to hang with him.

    He once told me he loved to french kiss. I said ‘everyone does that’

    He then said his mother told him he was the best at it

  • capone181
    Progressive moron
    June 19, 2019 at 6:39 pm

    We need tougher gun laws.

    • capone181
      Progressive Moron
      June 19, 2019 at 6:42 pm

      We need to outlaw pizza.

      • Regressive Moron
        June 21, 2019 at 10:30 am

        We need to outlaw Progressive Morons.

  • whatevuh
    June 19, 2019 at 6:37 pm

    Been asking this question for a long time . . . . If you’re fucking stupid, are you aware that you’re fucking stupid?

    • True Reality Speaks
      Mirror Mirror
      June 19, 2019 at 8:30 pm

      Just look at all the SJWs, Dems, and other libs with their clown acts.

      They have no freaking clue.

    • SRR
      June 22, 2019 at 10:13 am

      I doubt they have a clue as to their lack of intelligence or they would attempt to educate themselves. I believe they are just blissfully stupid.
      Sad neither will do jail time for this crime, not in this State.

  • Chet Manley
    June 19, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    I am guessing he is cutting into the franchise’s profit margin (a lot!!!).
    On another note, that is the roughest looking 50 year old I have ever seen! Holy fuck, he looks 80, not 50!

    • Captain Trips
      Faces of Meth
      June 19, 2019 at 6:40 pm

      Paul Cunningham’s photo courtesy of

      • Fuck you faces of meth
        June 20, 2019 at 4:49 pm

        Don’t click on the faces of meth link its a fucking Trojan

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    June 19, 2019 at 4:47 pm

    Just one more…..

    In Ludlow a fat fucking mess
    Concocted some lies for the press
    The result of his crime
    Is he’ll do some hard time
    In prison, whilst wearing a dress

    Dick Scratcher, aged 43 and three quarters

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      June 19, 2019 at 10:37 pm

      Seriously? What kind of miserable cunt votes down on light hearted poetry based on the article?

      Cunts! 🙂

      • Boe Jiden
        June 20, 2019 at 9:02 am

        most likely a homosexual

      • Big Wick
        June 21, 2019 at 10:34 am

        Probably radical feminists, Progressive Morons, and man-boys who still live in mom’s basement.

  • The Name Game
    June 19, 2019 at 4:35 pm

    Fat boy is 25? And only has that pitiful peach fuzz? That excessive adipose sure is interfering with his available testosterone!

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    June 19, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    Limericks of the day.

    An obese pizza maker from Lud,
    Divised a poor crime with chud,
    But the coppers from Mass
    Arrested his ass,
    ‘Cause his planning was no fucking good

    Dick Scratcher, aged 14 and a half

    • Big Wick
      June 19, 2019 at 4:32 pm

      Another nice one, Dick! Hey, with your age changing so much, and being on the northeastern side of the pond, you wouldn’t happened to have hijacked a TARDIS, have you?

      • dowen0895
        Dick Scratcher
        June 19, 2019 at 4:39 pm

        Cheers BW.

        I’m in NW England, just South of the real Manchester. Love this site, but I’d kill for an edit feature.

        I will make it to Mass one day to recite my poetry on meth mile 🙂

        • TortugaNiño
          June 19, 2019 at 6:55 pm

          Dont waste your time or money please, ever since Fenway took out the troughs in the mens room there is nothing to see here. Unless of course your interested in a couple reenactments of your country getting its ass kicked by a bunch of colonial ratchets 🙂

          • Accidental Homo
            June 20, 2019 at 11:38 am

            Nothing to see since they took out the troughs? What were you watching in there?

          • WeRFucked
            June 21, 2019 at 1:50 pm

            “Hey bud… you should drink more water. That’s some dark piss. Looks like you’re dehydrated.”

  • Sick of these Ratchet Fucks
    June 19, 2019 at 3:52 pm

    He will shed those pounds in jail….

    • Warden Cleaver
      June 20, 2019 at 10:02 am

      Actually if you look at the Brownstonian baby murderess and the kid from Making A Murderer he will only GAIN more weight in prison. Yes hard to believe.

  • Brock Turner
    June 19, 2019 at 3:50 pm

    Dominos is going to demote him to pot hole duty

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    June 19, 2019 at 3:45 pm

    That pizza pie looks absolutely scrumptious!

  • Christopher Lettiere
    June 19, 2019 at 3:19 pm

    He’ll grow-up to be a Jerry Nadless:

  • ncfoothillbilly
    June 19, 2019 at 3:15 pm

    Look out, chihuahua, dont get that close to his mouth or youll be his next meal. He probably shits bigger things.

  • Leonard Washington
    June 19, 2019 at 2:41 pm

    Sarah call me. Would. Will.

  • z
    June 19, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    50. Meth is a hell of a drug.

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