All-Star Criminals

Manchester Gravy Dumpster Threatens To Drop A Hershey Squirt On Cops Leg After Arresting Her And Boyfriend For Egging Cars, Trying To Grab Gun At 3 AM

Manchester Gravy Dumpster Threatens To Drop A Hershey Squirt On Cops Leg After Arresting Her And Boyfriend For Egging Cars, Trying To Grab Gun At 3 AM

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

Click the pic to vote for Turtleboy Sports for best local news outlet.

Click the pic to vote for Turtleboy Sports for best local news outlet.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 8.48.23 PM




NECNManchester police said they were called to 70 Dover St. around 3 a.m. after a neighbor complained about tenants in a second floor apartment. The neighbor said he heard the tenants fighting and asked them to quiet down. In response, they allegedly threw eggs at his vehicle.

Two sentences in and the Ratchet Rocket has already been launched. You wanna tell me to keep it down because it’s 3 AM and you have work the next day? How bout I throw some eggs at your car instead? Go fuck off yourself!!

Police responded, and said a male – later identified as Samuel Caraballo, 19 – came to the door and immediately became confrontational. He backed out of the doorway and Kristina Roberts, 18, his girlfriend, blocked the door frame and continued arguing with police.

Good luck getting by this chick:


Holy shit, it’s the Puerto Rican Fiona!! This chick is Dante Scarnechia’s wet dream. If he gets ahold of her and starts coaching her up then she could be protecting Tom Brady’s blindside until her retires. 

“One of the officers then noticed Caraballo walking toward a long gun located next to a bed. The officer pushed past Roberts, even though she grabbed his jacket to keep him from entering. Another officer then started to place Roberts under arrest for trying to keep the officers from entering the apartment.”

By this time, Caraballo and the officer who had entered the apartment were fighting for control of the shotgun. Caraballo kicked the officer in the chest, but another officer was able to incapacitate him with a Taser, and he was taken into custody.

In his defense, he DID give police a warning beforehand:

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.39.09 PM

The man said he ran out of fucks to give. And if this isn’t a face you can trust

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.29.31 PM


then I don’t know what is. 

Here’s the best part:

“Roberts was also placed under arrest. As they waited for the transport wagon, Roberts allegedly placed her buttocks on the officer’s leg and threatened to defecate on her.”

Best. Criminal. Ever. 

That might be the greatest empty threat of all time. You have all these idiots out there resisting arrest and trying to run away, like they’re not gonna get caught. But this? This is an effective strategy. Imagine being the arresting officer and this cheesehog threatens to dump her butter gravy all of your leg?


I might uncuff her right then and there. 

It’s funny because from the looks of her page, Kristina seems to have a somewhat normal upbringing. Then she made the wise life decision to allow this man


to insert the bedroom banana into her Bermuda love triangle. It was all downhill from there. 

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.36.56 PM

Apparently Kristina was sick and tired of playing bury the broomstick with fake n words, and she needed her a real one:

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.39.36 PM

Ya see, Sammy Caraballo doesn’t like a lot of things. For instance, he has no use for n words who talk like bitches.

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.37.11 PM

Cuz he’s all about the money yo!

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.38.37 PM

One day he hopes at attain a high school equivalency edumacation:

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.37.22 PM

But that’s just because he’s “trying to succeeded”

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.37.35 PM

Sammy Caraballo is the kind of guy who takes a girl like this:


And the next thing you know she’s aspiring to be like the “cash me ousside” chick:

Screen Shot 2017-03-28 at 2.40.22 PM

Has there ever been anyone in the history of Internet fame who has done a better job of milking her 15 minutes better than the cash me ousside chick? I’m telling you, once this chick finally does porn it’s gonna be the greatest selling video of all time.

Anyway, this all could’ve been avoided if they had just answered the door like normal human beings. Cops came there to tell them to cut the shit. But Sammy don’t play like that, and he instinctively went to grab his gun, and used his left tackle of a girlfriend to block the cops and threaten to take a smash on their freshly ironed pants. Keep keeping it 100 Manchester!!


We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

4ba27317-991b-4352-b70d-f489eadcfdef (1)

Screen Shot 2017-02-27 at 10.10.12 AM

Screen Shot 2017-02-27 at 10.14.48 AM

Screen Shot 2017-03-27 at 3.46.47 PM


Screen Shot 2017-02-01 at 10.32.58 AM

13 Comment(s)
  • dave
    March 29, 2017 at 11:38 am

    this guy has so much money he has to initial his 8 dollar hat.jailbird

  • ZephyrCat
    March 29, 2017 at 8:26 am

    Wood! Both of them.

  • Independent Thinker
    March 29, 2017 at 7:32 am

    They should have put her in a canvas sack, tied at the neck, and left her in there for a few days and let her dirty herself. After that, take her outside, make her strip naked, put everything in a plastic bag, throw it in the dumpster, and hose her down with a fire hose.

    Disgusting. Animals have better sanitary habits.

  • E. B. T.
    March 29, 2017 at 5:49 am

    Where do they work? The article didn’t mention that…

  • Madcow not Rachel
    March 28, 2017 at 8:02 pm

    If she’s not careful that piece of cake will go right to her hips……..or her chins.

  • Diane Woods emerson
    March 28, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    Is that really an EBT card emoji??? Wtf

  • Wabbitt
    March 28, 2017 at 4:51 pm

    Cash me ousside chick is going to vanish in a few weeks when a new, skankier bitch appears to draw the attention of the trashy masses. Them she’ll reappear in four years in a porno entitled “Smash Me Ousside.”

    It’ll be all over The Pirate Bay.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    my bashed in skull
    March 28, 2017 at 4:36 pm

    butter, gravy, sauce. No wonder I’m always hungry after reading TB.

  • Biff Tannen
    March 28, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    “The horror….the horror…”

    – Kurtz, Heart of Darkness

  • Gov. assistance guaranteed
    March 28, 2017 at 3:29 pm

    Has to be inbreeding, take a good look at them. Sad part, Manchester used to be great, low-crime, jobs, good living, etc. Mostly, French, Irish and Greek. Gone forever.

  • paul
    March 28, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    Just another day in NH

  • KimberlyS
    March 28, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    I heard that the Cash Me girl is going to be on a reality show . . . I guess it does pay to make terrible life choices.

    • Turd Burglestein
      March 28, 2017 at 7:44 pm

      That happened to me one time. I was dancing, doing the cha-cha, when my irritable bowel acted up. Just when we changed the dance to the charleston, I shot some charleston chews in my drawers, down my trouser leg and onto my girl’s fancy dancing shoes. So, it happens.

Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?