It’s a Turtleboy Where Are They Now! With guest host Richard Attenborough!
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It’s Chrithmath SSTG, CHRITHMATH!
Why am I so excited, you ask? It seems one of my favorite Turtleboy subjects has been arrested AGAIN and her mugshot is LIFE.
A couple months back I wrote about the most amazing hoodrat street fight I’ve ever seen. Given the subject matter, it was pretty easy to make it wildly funny – as it was a two on one fight, on Brockton’s worst corner, over some crack. It’s honest to God my favorite blog, out of the hundreds, I’ve ever written for Turtleboy.
Even to this day I still laugh just thinking of a crackhead, I nicknamed “Newportia,” screaming at her friend “JULES, PICK UP MY CRACK!”
You must understand her urgency at the time, as Newportia had her hands full swinging at girl named “Weaveisha” around by her hair in a move dubbed “the hoodrat helicopter.”
Because we are celebrating Newportia’s third arrest this year, in this special Turtleboy: Where Are They Now – I reached out to my old friend Richard Attenborough to see if he would do us the honor of narrating the street fight like the nature documentary it is. Much to my heart’s content – he obliged!
I can’t tell which part of that was best. Probably the “I’mma kill you. I’mma kill you. I’mma kill you, ho” OR the entire dialogue about the “thunderous queef which would make a flagellant walrus blush.”
Richard really out did himself this time.
If you missed the original masterpiece (both the video and blog about it) in question you can revisit it, like the old friend it is, HERE:
Some of you may remember the video starring Newportia, Weaveisha, and Pink Biggums. Some of you are just discovering it now. Either way, in today’s “Turtleboy: Where Are They Now,” we catch up with Nikita “Newportia” McKoy as she celebrates her third time being arrested this year.
Her mugshot made my soul smile. For so many years I thought Dave Chappelle was using his artistic license when he created Tyrone Biggums, everyone’s favorite crackhead. Now I know it was more true to reality than anything I’ve ever seen. Look at the mouf-ash!
Newportia was first arrested earlier this year turning tricks in a flophouse, then taken in for stealing honey buns at the same store she and Weavisha tumbled at a few weeks later, and just the other day she lifted a bunch of diapers and hopped in a car she stole! She never got arrested for the fight with Weaveisha. I’m surprised seeing that it was five minutes long, happened at one of the busiest spots in the middle of Brockton, and was within walking distance From the Brockton Police Department!
Did you catch that last part? If you’re a repeat offender, are caught in Brockton with stolen merchandise AND driving a hot car – you don’t get taken in! They just kick you out and throw you a summons! No wonder the city operates likes it’s on the same Hell Mouth as the high school Buffy the Vampire Slayer went to!
I usually wish the best for people but I honestly hope Newportia never changes.
After all, even in her brighter times in rehab, with her wig, she’s still the most glorious hood bunny I’ve ever laid eyes on.