All-Star Criminals

Pawtucket Pickle Mitten Who Stole $338 Worth Of Condoms From CVS Becomes First Bucket Resident To Ever Use A Rubber And Might Be A Hero

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Check out the latest ratchetry out of the bucket:

Well, there he is folks – the first guy from Pawtucket to ever use a condom. Apparently he didn’t hear the news that Backpage got shut down though. Either that or this guy just did the Tide Pod challenge and is moving on to snorting cock socks.

This is the most bizarre crime I’ve ever seen. The fact that this man right here plans on having $338 worth of safe sex before those pickle mitten’s go bad:

Is amazing. If that guy can get laid, anyone can get laid. And if he’s planning on using the beaver skins with any woman from Pawtucket, it’s a smart move on his part. Because crabs ranpoon is always on the menu in the bucket.

On the one hand he’s a thief, so I’m glad he’s actually being responsible and trying not to reproduce. On the other hand, wouldn’t it be a good thing he was planning on handing these out to some of the sea skags roaming the streets of Pawtucket? What if he gave them to two of our Turtleboy famous Pawtucket legends – Twat McStuffins and the Pawtucket Xany Bunny?

Dude is just trying to make the world a better place so these ratchets stop firing out fuck trophies out of their baby cannons by handing them cream catchers. Free muh boi!

If he’s actually planning on using these, then someone seriously tell this guy about the sweet, glorious phenomenon commonly known as “raw dog.” I’ve never met someone who goes raw dog and the goes back to the ol’ banana burqa. You see it the other way around a lot because you don’t know what you’re missing out on. But this? This makes no sense at all. Especially since he could’ve just walked into a Planned Parenthood and they’d throw a box at him for free AND give him a coupon for 10% off on his next abortion.

The bottom line is if this guy was planning on giving these Pawtucket junkbunnies and it can prevent just one of them from reproducing, then the man is a God damn hero. If he’s planning on using them then I’m mildly impressed, but he has no idea what he’s missing out on.

8 Comment(s)
  • juror seven esq.
    April 26, 2018 at 1:58 pm

    You long time turtle riders, remember the story out of Springfield about the dude that stole a shit load of safes (old school talk) at a CVS? I think the heist also included some KY lube. The guy got caught. Is it in the TBS archives?

  • Fritz Weatherbee
    April 26, 2018 at 11:15 am

    Serial rapist in the making???

  • Chuck Johnson
    April 26, 2018 at 8:59 am

    Those are for a trip to Weymouth for a day of fucking Brian Allbecht in the ass…duh

  • Weebles Wobble
    April 25, 2018 at 4:27 pm

    Fuck, Pawtucket has some ugly women.

  • Erik
    April 25, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    I get 36 for like ~15$ at Wally World. Are these things ribbed with gold for her pleasure?

    • SJW
      April 26, 2018 at 12:59 am

      Hell, Costco sells a 100 variety pack for $25. 72 packs if you don’t have that much traffic.

  • wtf
    April 25, 2018 at 2:55 pm

    (shakes head) I got nothin………….

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    April 25, 2018 at 2:47 pm

    Ha! Dude looks like David Hogg, in twenty years!

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