All-Star Criminals

Pawtucket Slugette Attempts To Houdini Her Way Through Ceiling Tiles To Escape Arrest, Tried To Fuck Over Her Own Dad On Judge Judy With Slimebag Husband

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Say you get arrested on a warrant and the officer is nice enough to let you tinkle in the hospital bathroom. What do you do next? Obviously you try to tunnel your way through the drop ceiling tiles like a rodent. That’s what Alyssa Maurelli, magician apprentice in training, tried to do to Central Falls PD.

She didn’t get very far because she’s a terrible criminal and looks like she couldn’t fight her way out of a paper bag.

Here’s Alyssa and her chudmeister husband, Tommy:

Faces only a meth dealer could love.

Alyssa has a healthy dose of misdemeanors and felonies and a boatload of family court cases. I really appreciate when criminals have a diverse record. It shows they’re really committed and willing to try new things. And drugs. Definitely new drugs.

If Alyssa looks familiar it’s probably because she’s kind of a local celeb, duh.

Her and hubby were on Judge Judy a couple years back, trying to win a lawsuit brought by her dad. Tommy Shitbag didn’t want to put on his big boy panties, get a job, and pay for his own car so instead he tried to con the $5k bill onto slugette’s dad, who made the mistake of co-signing.

As you can imagine, Judge Judy wasn’t having that shit and let Tommy and wifey know that dad wasn’t going to be paying these ADULTS’ car loan.

I don’t even understand why this asshat needed a car. He hasn’t had a license since 2014 because he keeps getting pulled over for driving with a suspended license and just driving like overall shit.

At the same time, this is all pretty sad because they have two adorable little girls and while she seems like a good mother with a Facebook full of pics of those kids, how great can life really be when your parents can’t keep themselves out of trouble with the law. For fuck’s sake, just worry about raising those kids right and stop being ratchet shitbags.

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7 Comment(s)
  • GQQSER2
    June 22, 2017 at 8:59 pm

    Sista wrote: “I really appreciate when criminals have a diverse record. It shows they’re really committed and willing to try new things.” — that’s some funny shit right there!
    Turtle Sista is awesome. Let’s put Rhody on the map, baby!! We can definitely compete with MA.

  • Judge Judy
    June 22, 2017 at 11:00 am

    Ummm what the hell does anyone else Feel like this blog just got cut off without being finished. That’s it? Hahaha

    • Sterling Turtle Rider
      June 25, 2017 at 1:15 am

      I kinda like the shorter articles – cut right to the chase, just the facts (and a few well place insults). After all, brevity is the soul of wit.

  • Johnny5
    June 22, 2017 at 10:01 am

    Until I started following your blog, I didn’t realize how terrible Rhode Island was. Place is a shithole!

  • June 22, 2017 at 12:08 am

    hate to admit it there’s that kind on this coast too

  • Maggie the Cat
    June 21, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    She looks a lot older than he does.

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