Salem Mother And Son Action Duo Popped By FBI For Driving To Ohio, Stashing Runaway Chick In Their Basement

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Parmigiana, Ohio – Wait, no, Parma. Sorry, I have visions of breaded chicken dancing in my head. That’s what happens when you write too close to lunchtime.

17-year old Katarina Bitterman was reported missing from her home in Ohio on March 4^th, every parent’s worst nightmare. According to reports, there was nothing to suggest she’d run away of her own volition – she was happy, a decent kid according to family and peers, and even had a loving boyfriend. Kat had left her home with nothing other than her house keys and ID – she left the TV on in the living room and her family dogs outside, suggesting she had not planned to be gone very long.

Kat and her (now) ex-boyfriend

She’s not a terrible looking kid, either.

Katarina was thankfully found safe and sound on March 10th  – in Salem, MA; some 666 (heh) miles away. How the fuck does a 17-year-old make it a quarter-way across the continental US in a few days’ time with no cell phone, her house keys and just the clothes on her back?

Enter this Mother/Son Special Ops Team:

Michael Julien (left), 19, and his big mama, Renee Hanson, tittoo and all (center), 43

Renee is the orchestrator in all of this. She drove to Ohio on March 4^th, leaving baby boy at home to hold down the fort while she picked up little Miss Katarina. It should be noted that Renee appears to be an EMT and/or nurse and volunteers with the organization Rehab 5, which provides relief support to emergency personnel in the middle of emergencies – a seemingly noble cause. Baby boy followed in his mama’s footsteps and has listed his employment on FB as an EMT for Atlantic Ambulance Service.

Do you think they let Mama Tittoo borrow the GMC for this Special Ops rescue mission? I picture her showing up in Chicken Parmigiana, Ohio, sirens blaring, strobes flashing, and tossing this little girl in the truck before she knew what hit her.

Forgive my less than stellar ‘shop skills, but I figure this is just as accurate a depiction as any.

There was no explanation given as to why this girl ended up in Salem with this creepy choad/fap-wapper extraordinaire, but we have a few guesses:

1. Groomin’ for the boomin’ sex work sector in Salem
2. The poor girl was sick of being in Cowtown and wanted the glitz and glamour of the ‘big city’ and this was the first available option
3. Mama Tittoo paid this girl to ‘get to know’ her serial salami slammer son

I guess we’ll have to wait with bated breath for the details to come down on this one.

The FBI raided the Julien-Hanson home on March 10^th and can you guess where they beelined? Straight for Mama Tittoo’s basement. SHOCKER! In the basement of the residence at 4 Witches Way, they encountered little Kat being smothered (cuddled?) by Julien on a broken down couch while watching the boobtube in a little Netflix and squish session. Both were taken into custody. Little Mikey Moo was charged with a slew of shit, including inducing panic, interference with custody, and obstructing justice. He’s currently holed up in Middleton (free my boi!!!) pending extradition on the Cowtown Express to Ohio to answer the charges. Kat was also charged with inducing panic and held at the Salem Police Station until her parents got there to pick her up. Mama Tittoo was also charged with her son, although she remains on the loose. It’s not clear whether she’s out because they let her stay out, or if she’s hiding.

Either way, you see this mug slothing around Salem, let her know how you really feel about her girlie-snatchin’ roadtrips:

FUCK YOU, RENEE

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