While everyone is battling over pussy on this gray Saturday…. here is something to lighten the mood.
Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.
I always feel kind of bad for the idiots who end up in the clutches of Desk Girl. They should be able to get the fight they are looking for after being blogged about. Instead they end up in the clutches of Abi, who is so desperate with her need for friends, that she smothers them in kindness and understanding. I low-key wish Turtleboss would just fire her but we don’t want to deal with the ratchets by ourselves. It’s a double-edged ginger sword.
The shit I have to deal with while working with Abi is just unbearable.
It’s a whole lot of fun walking in every day and finding Deskie rifling through my desk drawers.
I guess Abi ended up finding this costume pair of white pleather go-go boots at Savers yesterday and she decided to wear them in the office today because she thought they were sexy. I went to put my coffee down and found her squatting in the corner of my cubical, teetering in her clumsy whore shoes, sucking what I thought was a turd off her fingers. She had my make-up mirror out and was using that to practice making sensual faces while licking her stubs. Can you imagine a lazy-eyed ginger practicing her seduction moves, while noshing what looks like a deuce, in your work space? I almost hurled. Turns out I left a jar of Nutella unlocked in one of my filing cabinets, which she sniffed it out like a truffle swine, and devoured the whole thing.
Cool. Can’t wait to see how she digests that. So much for work productivity.
Anyways, back to my original point of bad second hand choices. I apologize for getting distracted…. or am I?
Cassie Renee wasn’t happy with us after we made her poor decision a very public event.
After all, Cassie was going to sue us and wanted all y’all to come at her. I secretly can’t for Uncle Turtle to use his caps lock voice for this one. She manages to hit us with all of the hysterical things people usually threaten us with all in one poorly punctuated scream paragraph. #swoon
LEAVE ME NAME OUT UR MOUTH FAM!
So my theory about her tummy pancake routine was on point. She’s allegedly been with the same dude for like thirteen years, has popped out three kids, and couldn’t seem to comprehend how NOT to have more. Brilliant. This is the world we live in.
What Cassie seems to forget is that she’s selling second hand life-changing medication on fucking Facebook. She’s not an authorized pharmacy. She’s some random chick who delivers pizza and is totally cool with loads being blown in her party cave.
That whole point was totally lost on my Chode Nectar Princess. She, like so many before her, needed to have the blog removed. She angrily messaged the inbox in a feverish attempt to have it taken down.
Instead of having one of the writers catch the message she ran smack in to Deskie.
Now, what Cassie needs to know is that Abi really wanted to help her. Deskie has no idea that she’s an international star on the Internet. She would quit if she knew. It’s part I’d the charm that is Turtleboy. So don’t be mad at Abi, Cass. She’s about as bright as you are, sperm collector.
Here comes the part where they always lure Abi in. Abi, like so many dimwitted SJWs, has a degree in Internet Law. She really gets scared when the ratchets tell her they are going to sue her.
Cassie, as the genius entity she is, is going to be the lone wolf who brings down Turtleboy because she was too sloppy to turn the tummy pancake batter in to throat yogurt. Silly bitch.
The fact that Abi doesn’t know what the Plan B pill is just cracked me up. I think I’m going to buy one and dose Deskie’s drink with it. I’ll live stream so you all can watch as she runs around office like a Conan the Barbarian/ Red Sonja extra who just got her snatch torn open by rabid ferrets.
The ratings will be through the roof!
Ah yes. Your kid is 12 and you let her on Facebook. This speaks volumes to the kind of woman we are dealing with here. Not only does she collect Erectosplasm instead of belly blasts she doesn’t supervise her kid on platform for adults.
I also appreciate a woman who admits to using Whoopsie Pills as birth control educating Abi about how to use it.
Chode Nectar Snaggle Snizz now explains why it was okay for her to sell it online even though the store doesn’t accept them back for safety reasons. After all she was just trying to help!
Cassie also thinks that we almighty Turtles are the ones who control the whole internet. She was pissed because she got blocked from Threw Up In Fall River Page or something. It sounds like all that dongwater has made her paranoid.
She was just “helping.” Perhaps if she had a more mature and responsible way to deal with the baby daddy nobslurry she wouldn’t have had the genius idea to sell secondhand medication on the internet.
I will never understand the people who actually think that the form, which Abi pulled out of her puss-filled panty hampster, will be how they get blogs removed. It’s a wonder that these turds can walk around as moderately functioning adults if they fall for the ramblings of Deskie.
Oh Cassie… that means that Kevin, the boss, has declined your request.