All-Star Criminals

Spanky McBlueballs Caught Midstroke Punching The Clown In Dunkins Parking Lot Across The Street From State Police Barracks

Spanky McBlueballs Caught Midstroke Punching The Clown In Dunkins Parking Lot Across The Street From State Police Barracks

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Busy couple days in Connecticut….

Wait a minute… you’re telling this isn’t how Dunkins makes their glazed donuts?

I blame the Patriots. This is what happens when coffee is only 89 cents after a win.

Come on guy. Quit being a cheap fuck. I know Dunkin Donuts has the free wifi, but just use your data and pay the extra overage fees. Sure beats the $5,000 bond you gotta post to get out of this one.

Seriously though, what a jerk off!! If he gets the right lawyer he’ll definitely get off, but he’s gonna need a helping hand.

In all seriousness, I can’t help but feel bad for this guy. I’m not sure what was going through his mind. I checked out his Facebook page before he took it down in shame and he actually seems like a normal human being, who evidently caught a chub and he simply could not resist the urge to rub the genie out. He actually came home after his arrest and posted a Dante quote:

Rachets don’t quote Dante. They quote Beyonce.

I dunno, maybe he was just enjoying the thrill of it all. But there’s nothing more embarrassing than being arrested for taming the shrew in public. Mid strike, mind you. Did the cops at least let him finish? That’s the million dollar question everyone wants to know. Once you see them knocking on your window and you know you’re going to jail, you might as well finish the job. You don’t wanna bring a loaded cannon into a crowded jail cell.

Here’s the worst part about it – check out where he was flogging the dolphin:

Yup, directly across the street from the State Police barracks.

Look, we’ve all felt the urge before pal. But you’re in the Connecticut Corridor. There’s a million and one places you can pull over and burp the baby. Whatever you do, don’t do it in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot directly across the street from Troop D. It’s gonna be blue balls central, and you’re gonna end up on Turtleboy. Just sayin.



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14 Comment(s)
  • Local real local
    Local real local
    November 3, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    I have a question: if he is right handed and one day he spanks his chicken with the left hand, is that considered having an affair?

    Would using your left hand be too much of a stretch?

    You never know this guy could be a survivor and rise up!

    I’m here all week, the veal is on sale. You are a lovely crowd!

  • Wabbitt
    September 28, 2017 at 1:26 am

    Yeah, this is clearly a learned individual. Not a ratchet, just a dipshit.

    Gotta watch it referring to people as Spanky, though. I thought that esteemed columnist for the Turtlegram had been picked up for beating the bishop!

  • I fuck donuts
    September 27, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    Time to mate the donuts.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Kevi bashed in my skull
    September 27, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    Ah to be young again with all those raging hormones. When I was that kid’s age I was rubbing one out 3 times a day.

  • Richard N. Vulva Esq.
    September 27, 2017 at 9:33 am

    The evidence will show that it’s all a big misunderstanding and that my client was simply preparing to position his donuts in the order that he planned to eat them.

    • BlackandWhite
      September 27, 2017 at 10:09 am

      Boston cream filled donuts.

  • Nope
    September 27, 2017 at 8:40 am

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed the Dante quote was an obvious erection euphemism.

  • Jack Meoff
    September 27, 2017 at 8:08 am

    No reason to arrest the guy. Public indecency??? Who could see anything except his upper torso? Damn nosey prudes lol.

  • BlackandWhite
    September 27, 2017 at 6:41 am

    He never considered the possibility of cops showing up at Dunkins in New England?
    What an idiot.

  • FA
    September 27, 2017 at 6:13 am

    $5,000 bond? For this? That’s practically robbery.

  • Bill Clinton
    September 27, 2017 at 1:21 am

    Yeah, like, late at night, no one around, you telling me a Cop has never petted the one eyed wrinkle necked trouser trout? Eating a donut? Come one! There should be an exception when donuts are involved.

    He needs a pardon from the Governor.

  • SmutNugget
    September 27, 2017 at 1:20 am

    Dante makes me want to twirl a hula hoop around my dick.

  • Sloppy
    September 26, 2017 at 11:47 pm

    I think with that Dante quote, he was trying to say (with a bit of symbolism) that if the cops ever catch you feeding the geese in your car behind a donut shop, don’t let it spoil your boner. Keep your boner raging, stiff and proud.

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