All-Star Criminals

The Pipepolishing Con Artist “Plumber” Was Arrested On A Shit Ton Of Warrants, Is Bristol’s First Official Addition To The Turtleboy Graveyard

The Pipepolishing Con Artist “Plumber” Was Arrested On A Shit Ton Of Warrants, Is Bristol’s First Official Addition To The Turtleboy Graveyard




Follow and Subscribe to Turtleboy podcasts on SoundCloud or iTunes by clicking here

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Returns, and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at for more information.

If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:







Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


One of my first blogs when I started writing for Turtleboy, not too long ago, was about a serial scam artist going around ripping off homeowners under the charade of being a plumber, Dennis Burns.



His flubbercunt, complicit thotpocket of a girlfriend even got her own blog when she swooped in to defend him, shared her innermost feelings with deskie, and confirmed a rumor that little Denny brought home the clap from a stripper at a seedy club. She even tried the whole “I left him as soon as I found out” bit, which was quickly determined to be a lie.  Sorry, Velveeta Vagina, but if you sit back and do nothing but take vacations and parties paid for with stolen cash while your boyfriend drains every unsuspecting homeowner he can find, you are just as guilty in my eyes.

Not to mention the whole harboring a fugitive thing, because you’ve known for months. I truly couldn’t have found worse people to expose if I tried, and for a lot of Dennis’s victims – many of them elderly, trusting, and tens of thousands of dollars lighter thanks to him, it was a long time coming. I can’t put into words how happy I was to hear from so many of his victims, that, at the very least, we could provide them with some sense of vindication. Now I’m even happier though, because behind the scenes I did encourage and assist them in filing charges, because once you are Turtleboy famous like Mr. Burns, it’s only a matter of time before one of our awesome turtleriders in law enforcement catches up, and your name gets added to the esteem Turtleboy Grave Yard. And his time came the day after Christmas. Let’s formally welcome Dennis G. Burns!


MV Times:

“Tisbury police and a Massachusetts state trooper arrested a man on the passenger ramp at the Steamship Authority terminal in Vineyard Haven Wednesday afternoon. A Tisbury Police Department report identified the man as Dennis G. Burns.

Burns was arrested as a fugitive from justice on four outstanding warrants, the report indicates. Burns has warrants from Attleboro District Court, Framingham District Court, Quincy District Court, and Westborough District Court. Officials in the clerk’s offices in Attleboro and Framingham District Courts were unable and unwilling, respectively, to disclose why the warrants were issued. An official from the Quincy District Court clerk’s office said Burns had a bench warrant there for a failure to appear in March. An official from the Westborough District Court clerk’s office said Burns also had a bench warrant for failure to appear in March; she stated he was scheduled to appear on a charge of larceny over $250 by false pretense.

Trooper Robert Branca transported Burns from the terminal to the Dukes County Sheriff’s Office. Burns was transported from the Vineyard to Attleboro District Court Friday morning, according to Dukes County Sheriff’s Office Lt. Eric Perry.”

Merry Christmas, Dennis. The Turtle sends his regards.

Criminals and scumbags, please take note – I’m a crazy bitch. Just because I’m no longer writing about you, doesn’t mean that I don’t have my network working on you, doing the most that we can to help bring you to justice and vindicate your victims.  We pinned you down to visiting Attleboro, we found your new apartment in Rhode Island. We know why you were on Martha’s Vineyard, and it’s no accident the police picked you up. It’s how we roll.

I wonder what Shamu is going to do with her blowhole while he’s getting his drains snaked in prison? Fake another breakup,

or find the next scumbag supreme to leech off of? Does anyone know if Kevin Riberio is single? Could be a Turtleboy ratchet love connection! Either way, let’s all learn something from Dennis and his porridgepastry. Don’t lie, cheat, scam or steal – and for Ratchet Jesus’ sake….

Don’t. Poke. The. Turtle.

10 Comment(s)
  • MrSmiley
    December 29, 2018 at 9:53 pm

    Grats on headstone 1 Bristol! Rack em up!

  • Kenny Banger
    December 28, 2018 at 7:46 pm

    Enjoy jail, you goofy looking con artist.

  • The vorlon.
    December 28, 2018 at 5:20 pm

    I wish I could hire a contractor to peg me.

  • Jim
    December 28, 2018 at 2:27 pm

    Looks like he’s going to have his plumbing worked on in jail

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    December 28, 2018 at 1:58 pm


  • Exit 69
    December 28, 2018 at 1:18 pm

    I still have the hots for her. Megan! I want to do your 3 holes… Contact info please!

    • Shanaynay Shaqueesha
      December 28, 2018 at 1:32 pm

      You’ll need to roll her around in flour to find them.

      • Exit 69
        December 28, 2018 at 3:23 pm

        Don’t care… Flour makes it tastier..

    • Captain Trips
      December 28, 2018 at 2:02 pm

      That eyebrow plucked, chubby, cheek dimpled face just screams for my man sauce. Don’t worry Mr. Burns. She can contact me and I’ll keep her warm and comfy all winter!

      • Exit 69
        December 28, 2018 at 3:27 pm

        Easy Captain…I got first dibs. Loloo

Comment on this Post


Manchester’s Finest Learned Toothless Scholars Incite Riot In Victory Park Which Ended In Crushing Defeat
People Defending The Guy Breaking Into Cars In Broad Daylight Is Why Everyone Wants To Move Out Of Worcester
Sewer Muppet Lit Her Boyfriend On Fire In His Sleep, Then Poured A Bucket Of Piss On Him To Put It Out, Now BF Is Saying He Did It To Himself