Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Plainville, North Attleboro, Attleboro, Rehoboth, Seekonk, Swansea, Somerset, Dighton, Berkely, Taunton

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Plainville, North Attleboro, Attleboro, Rehoboth, Seekonk, Swansea, Somerset, Dighton, Berkely, Taunton

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We haven’t done a Tour de Turtle bone ride in a while, so we were overdue. If you’re not familiar with the bone ride series, we’re going to every town in Massachusetts on various bone rides and ranking them from nicest to crappiest on each trip. After we’re done we’re gonna put together a megalist and rank the biggest dumps in Massachusetts so you can at least know that there is a place that is worse than your home town. Unless you live in Lawrence. Then you’re fucked. Here’s the ones we’ve been to already:

Fall River, Westport, Dartmouth, New Bedford, Acushnet, Fairhaven, Mattapoisett, Marion, Rochester

Salisbury, Newburyport, Newbury, Rowley, Ipswich, Essex, Gloucester, Rockport, and Manchester By The Sea

Cambridge, Somerville, Medford, Malden, Everett, Chelsea, Revere, Winthrop

Holden, Princeton, Sterling, Lancaster, Clinton, Bolton, Berlin, Boylston, West Boylston.

Braintree, Quincy, Weymouth, Rockland, Abington, Whitman, Brockton, Avon, Holbrook, Randolph

Paxton, Rutland, Hubbardston, Barre, Oakham, North Brookfield, New Braintree, Hardwick, Ware

Chelmsford, Lowell, Dracut, Methuen, Lawrence, Haverhill, North Andover, Andover, Tewksbury

Auburn, Oxford, Sutton, Douglas, Webster, Dudley, Southbridge, Charlton, East Brookfield, Spencer, Leicester

Boston: Brighton, Allston, Fenway, Back Bay, Roxbury, Jamaica Plain, Roslindale, West Roxbury, Hyde Park, Mattapan, Dorchester, Southie, Downtown, East Boston, Charlestown

Westfield, West Springfield, Agawam, Longmeadow, East Longmeadow, Springfield, Chicopee, Holyoke, Easthampton

Leominster, Lunenburg, Shirley, Ayer, Groton, Pepperell, Townsend, Ashby, Fitchburg

Deerfield, Montague, Greenfield, Leyden, Colrain, Shelburne, Buckland, Hawley, Charlemont, Heath

Lynnfield, Peabody, Saugus, Lynn, Nahant, Swampscott, Marblehead, Salem, Beverly, and Danvers

Millbury, Grafton, Northbridge, Uxbridge, Millville, Blackstone, Bellingham, Mendon, Hopedale, Milford

Sturbridge, Holland, Wales, Brimfield, Monson, Palmer, Warren, West Brookfield, Brookfield

Westminster, Gardner, Ashburnham, Winchendon, Royalston, Athol, Orange, PhillipstonTempleton

That’s 141 out of 351 towns and cities we’ve now been to. Time to add these ten to the list. We visited the towns in this order: Plainville, North Attleboro, Attleboro, Rehoboth, Seekonk, Swansea, Somerset, Dighton, Berkely, Taunton

Gonna be honest – none of these places has any chance of cracking the overall Top 10. And a lot of these places look exactly the same. Nevertheless, here’s how we rank them…..


1.  Plainville

Plainville is awesome. It’s got great access to 495. It’s close to Boston, Gillette Stadium, Providence, and the Wrentham Outlets. Turtleboy is a fan of new looking shit too. And everything in Plainville looks pleasant and new.




2. Rehoboth

Big fan of Rehoboth for a number of reasons. We have it ranked below Plainville because it’s not really a neighborhood town. It’s an “own a nice house on a lot of land” town. And Turtleboy Jr. likes to play with neighborhood kids. Nevertheless it can also be nice not to have nosy neighbors whose kids trample on your freshly cut lawn. But what we liked about Rehoboth the most was that you can FLY because there’s no traffic and wide lanes, and at times it’s quite picturesque.

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3. Seekonk

Seekonk is hella nice. The only downside is it’s too close to Pawtucket, and there’s no wall to keep the Bucketeers out. It’s cool because it’s got a lot of neighborhoods, as opposed to some of these towns where everyone has to live on a busy road.




4. Berkely

Berkeley might’ve been ranked higher, except for the fact that this is the first house you see once you come in from Dighton:

Yea, if your neighbors have turned their lawn into a shitcan car graveyard, that’s not good for your property value. The thing that hurts Berkeley is it’s a pain in the ass to get to. But once you’re there it’s actually quite lovely. Berkeley is the smallest town population wise that we visited, so it’s really got more of a Paxton feel to it than it does a Holden feel. Neighborhoods are scattered, and most people seem to own lots of land. But everything looks clean and there is nary a ratchet in sight.

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5. Dighton

Dighton is a lot like Rehoboth, except even more rural and less populated. You can fly through town, which is awesome. There’s a lot of this going on:

And scenic views of the mighty Taunton River, where Taunton’s finest discard their dirty needles and what remains of their dignity.

Dighton is extremely spread out, so the houses are civilized looking and the yards are grandiose.

With the exception of North Dighton, which isn’t bad by any means, but seems to have the highest population concentration, and since it’s right next to Taunton this is where you presumably would go to score drugs.





6. Somerset

Somerset is shaped like a penis with the nose of the Wicked Witch of the West on the head:

But they really pack the people into this place, and most of them live right in the meaty part of the shaft. So it’s really residential, which is ideal for trick or treating. It’s not shitty, and it’s not trying to show off too much either. Sure, there are the occasional eye sores:

But for the most part it’s just your average middle class slice of Americana.



7. North Attleboro

North Attleboro is much larger than any of the towns we’ve profiled so far, so it’s got crazy things like sidewalks, stores, and traffic lights.

It’s not crappy, but it’s nothing special when compared to some of its neighbors.

This guy isn’t helping property value though.

We did find one insanely rich neighborhood. Anyone recognize house for sale?

How bout now?

Yup, Aaron Hernandez’ neighborhood is the shit!!

It’s been in the noose, I mean the news, a lot lately, because it’s been sitting on Zillow and no one wants to buy it.




8. Swansea

Swansea is not a bad town by any means, so don’t be fooled by the ranking. It was a crapshoot how we ranked these today. It’s easy to get to because two highways run through it. But the biggest pocket of people seems to live down by the bottom near the water, and they really jam them in there:

It’s like a beach town, except without a beach.

Other than that it’s just your average middle class suburb lost in a sea of average middle class suburbs.


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9. Attleboro

Attleboro is a tale of two cities. There’s downtown, and then there’s everything else.

Anything near downtown generally looks like shit. We’ve been doing these bone rides for a long time now. And you can tell you’re in a neighborhood where you can go to buy weed from a number of telltale signs. The most obvious are the sneakers hanging from the power lines. We didn’t see any of those near Emory Street, but we did see plenty of the #2 telltale signs you’re in the wrong part of town – satellite dishes.

Satellite dishes everywhere.

There were even satellite dishes that have grown their own satellite dishes.

Downtown Attleboro also is filled with well maintained properties

Thriving businesses

Random dudes in hoodies walking around in the middle of the day

Concrete walls of glory

Parking lots of broken dreams

But at least in Attleboro they pave the roads in the worst part of town.

And like I said, outside of downtown Attleboro is actually quite lovely.




10. Taunton

Honestly, I thought Taunton was gonna be a million times worse. We write about stories and ratchets from Taunton a lot, usually because someone just got shot by a Taunton High School dropout.

And when your town appears on Turtleboy a lot, something went terribly wrong. But this is what most of Taunton generally looks like:

I mean, it’s not Andover or Manchester by the Sea, but it’s not Brockton or Springfield either. People told us to head to the projects for some ratchetry. We hoped to see some able bodied men sitting on the stoop listening to really offensive music. Instead it was a ghost town:

Because apparently people who live in the projects in Taunton actually have jobs.

People on our Facebook page kept telling us to go to Harrison Street, Green Street, Broadway Street, and other places we thought would be filled with ratchets as far as the eye could see. But it wasn’t even that bad. Nevertheless, we can smell grime from a mile away, and we will find it. The first thing that attracts ratchets are old vacant factories. Taunton has plenty of that.

The railroad tracks are lovely this time of year

As are the well maintained and very clean sidewalks

The urban renewal project is moving along swimmingly.

You also know you’re in a cultural mecca when you see a plethora of bedsheet curtains in old, non-yuppified row houses.

There are plenty of unadvertised “yard sales,” which involve people leaving their unwanted trash on the sidewalk.

The economy is robust and the potential for economic investment is limitless.

Some Tuantonites like to like to aimlessly walk through town in capri jorts.

Others choose to dress like Taunton is about to get hit by a May Noreaster.

While still others choose to spend their entire Thursday sitting in the middle of the clusterfuck that is the downtown Taunton rotary wearing pajamas and anxiously awaiting the first of the month to arrive.

So what do you think? Did we get it right? And where should the bone ride tour head to next?



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15 Comment(s)
  • Mia
    July 23, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    You missed the beach in Swansea. I promise you there is one there. My brother lived right across the street from it.

  • Real Estate Agent
    July 17, 2017 at 9:44 am

    Seekonk is rapidly becoming overdeveloped in areas and it is difficult to tell where Pawtucket/East Providence ends and Seekonk begins. Seekonk has town water which means the house lot sizes can be postage-stamp-sized. There are some nicer neighborhoods to the east in the southern area (east of Route 6 once you get past the congestion, say around School Street) as well as to the north and south of 44 once you get past the Town Hall. Around Rt 152 is like living in a typical suburban neighborhood.

    Rehoboth is the wealthiest town in the area, mainly because the town was principally a farming community until people discovered they could become instant millionaires by subdividing their family farm into 100 house lots. The minimum house lot size is an acre and a half, because there is no town water or sewer, and it seems the typical house they build is in the $600-750k range. There’s also no commercial infrastructure to speak of, you have to drive to another town to do any shopping whatsoever. It’s basically a bedroom community to Providence and Boston now. The only down-side is the amount of crime: lots of break-ins from the scum that surrounds Rehoboth – Attleboro to the north, Providence to the west, and Taunton to the east. Nothing south of Rehoboth but the Atlantic.

    Dighton is a lot like Rehoboth in the southern section of the Town, but more like northern Seekonk in the northern section of Dighton. Much of north Dighton looks like a typical middle-class neighborhood of Taunton. Town water/sewer is available in some areas, which means you get those 4000 sq ft postage-stamp lots. The southern part is still pretty rural with larger lot sizes. There is a huge amount of development going on in Dighton now, so expect the character of the Town to change significantly over the next 10 years.

    Bad thing about Seekonk/Rehoboth/Dighton is 44 runs right through the center of each, and 44 is a huge drug route between Providence and Taunton.

    Taunton in the overall scheme of things really isn’t bad. It has its bad sections, but much of the city, in the residential neighborhoods, is a lot like Attleboro. Its not like driving through Worcester, Springfield, or Brockton by any stretch. I got lost one night coming home from Agawam in Springfield (these are the days before GPS on your phone) and I thought for sure I was going to be found dead in my car. I personally wouldn’t want to live there, but, you could do a lot worse.

  • July 17, 2017 at 8:07 am

    Very very funny

  • Randy
    May 15, 2017 at 3:02 am

    You completely missed south Attleboro and looks like you drove straight down 44 for half of this

    • Lambodiesel
      May 22, 2017 at 3:55 pm

      South Attleboro is a section of Attleboro.

  • Jen
    May 13, 2017 at 11:44 am

    Next time you want to see a nice neighborhood in taunton let me know. I live on a dead end street and am friendly with most of my neighbors, my neighborhood is on the outskirts though. 🙂

  • Brendan Rys
    May 12, 2017 at 8:07 pm

    How could you not mention Big Wong Chineese food in the 16th Taunton Pic?!

  • Audrey
    May 12, 2017 at 4:01 pm

    For all of the other cities and towns you reviewed today, it seems you travelled to all parts of them and took pics of the good and the bad. For Taunton, you did not do that or chose not to post the pics of the nice neighborhoods. I’m not trying to preach that Taunton is fantastic by any means, but there are quite a few nice parts of this city that seem to be neglected in this post. Regardless, love the post.

    • shitbag
      May 12, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      the outskirts of Taunton are nice, but this seems to be true for any ratchet city

  • JDizzle
    May 12, 2017 at 3:36 pm

    Next time you are in Taunton do anyone ride through the bars. There you will be able to enjoy the sites

    • JDizzle
      May 12, 2017 at 3:38 pm

      Or bone ride*

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        May 12, 2017 at 4:06 pm

        Back off Drizzle lips. Back in the day the Taunton bars were hopping. I laid more pipe in that town than Boston Gas, I’m amazed my uterus didn’t fall out!

  • Capt. Kill
    May 12, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    I’m from Brockton originally, lived all over eastern MA, went to Worcester State on Chandler and I have lived Seekonk and Taunton on your latest ride. I lived in Taunton Garden near BP and Galleria and I fucking hated it (this was back in 1998). Too many juggalos and pretend gangsters. I spent quite a few years in Seekonk and I loved it.
    I agree, Pawtucket is WAY too close but their ratchetness never really infiltrated our town. If I still lived in MA I would live in Seekonk again, but fuck that because property is way too fucking high up North. I’ll stay down south I think where my house is paid off and its a whole lot warmer.

  • Biff Tannen
    May 12, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    Are you kidding me? Rehoboth is a trailer park trash pit. I interviewed for a municipal job there WAY back. Not impressed. The selectmen were a pack of hillbillies and the town’s facilities were rotten to the core.

  • KimberlyS
    May 12, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    Is that a Carmen Ghia in the 1st photos of Berkley? I always liked those cars.

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