Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Plainville, North Attleboro, Attleboro, Rehoboth, Seekonk, Swansea, Somerset, Dighton, Berkely, Taunton
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We haven’t done a Tour de Turtle bone ride in a while, so we were overdue. If you’re not familiar with the bone ride series, we’re going to every town in Massachusetts on various bone rides and ranking them from nicest to crappiest on each trip. After we’re done we’re gonna put together a megalist and rank the biggest dumps in Massachusetts so you can at least know that there is a place that is worse than your home town. Unless you live in Lawrence. Then you’re fucked. Here’s the ones we’ve been to already:
That’s 141 out of 351 towns and cities we’ve now been to. Time to add these ten to the list. We visited the towns in this order: Plainville, North Attleboro, Attleboro, Rehoboth, Seekonk, Swansea, Somerset, Dighton, Berkely, Taunton
Gonna be honest – none of these places has any chance of cracking the overall Top 10. And a lot of these places look exactly the same. Nevertheless, here’s how we rank them…..
Plainville is awesome. It’s got great access to 495. It’s close to Boston, Gillette Stadium, Providence, and the Wrentham Outlets. Turtleboy is a fan of new looking shit too. And everything in Plainville looks pleasant and new.
Big fan of Rehoboth for a number of reasons. We have it ranked below Plainville because it’s not really a neighborhood town. It’s an “own a nice house on a lot of land” town. And Turtleboy Jr. likes to play with neighborhood kids. Nevertheless it can also be nice not to have nosy neighbors whose kids trample on your freshly cut lawn. But what we liked about Rehoboth the most was that you can FLY because there’s no traffic and wide lanes, and at times it’s quite picturesque.
Seekonk is hella nice. The only downside is it’s too close to Pawtucket, and there’s no wall to keep the Bucketeers out. It’s cool because it’s got a lot of neighborhoods, as opposed to some of these towns where everyone has to live on a busy road.
Berkeley might’ve been ranked higher, except for the fact that this is the first house you see once you come in from Dighton:
Yea, if your neighbors have turned their lawn into a shitcan car graveyard, that’s not good for your property value. The thing that hurts Berkeley is it’s a pain in the ass to get to. But once you’re there it’s actually quite lovely. Berkeley is the smallest town population wise that we visited, so it’s really got more of a Paxton feel to it than it does a Holden feel. Neighborhoods are scattered, and most people seem to own lots of land. But everything looks clean and there is nary a ratchet in sight.
Dighton is a lot like Rehoboth, except even more rural and less populated. You can fly through town, which is awesome. There’s a lot of this going on:
And scenic views of the mighty Taunton River, where Taunton’s finest discard their dirty needles and what remains of their dignity.
Dighton is extremely spread out, so the houses are civilized looking and the yards are grandiose.
With the exception of North Dighton, which isn’t bad by any means, but seems to have the highest population concentration, and since it’s right next to Taunton this is where you presumably would go to score drugs.
Somerset is shaped like a penis with the nose of the Wicked Witch of the West on the head:
But they really pack the people into this place, and most of them live right in the meaty part of the shaft. So it’s really residential, which is ideal for trick or treating. It’s not shitty, and it’s not trying to show off too much either. Sure, there are the occasional eye sores:
But for the most part it’s just your average middle class slice of Americana.
7. North Attleboro
North Attleboro is much larger than any of the towns we’ve profiled so far, so it’s got crazy things like sidewalks, stores, and traffic lights.
It’s not crappy, but it’s nothing special when compared to some of its neighbors.
This guy isn’t helping property value though.
We did find one insanely rich neighborhood. Anyone recognize house for sale?
How bout now?
Yup, Aaron Hernandez’ neighborhood is the shit!!
It’s been in the noose, I mean the news, a lot lately, because it’s been sitting on Zillow and no one wants to buy it.
Swansea is not a bad town by any means, so don’t be fooled by the ranking. It was a crapshoot how we ranked these today. It’s easy to get to because two highways run through it. But the biggest pocket of people seems to live down by the bottom near the water, and they really jam them in there:
It’s like a beach town, except without a beach.
Other than that it’s just your average middle class suburb lost in a sea of average middle class suburbs.
Attleboro is a tale of two cities. There’s downtown, and then there’s everything else.
Anything near downtown generally looks like shit. We’ve been doing these bone rides for a long time now. And you can tell you’re in a neighborhood where you can go to buy weed from a number of telltale signs. The most obvious are the sneakers hanging from the power lines. We didn’t see any of those near Emory Street, but we did see plenty of the #2 telltale signs you’re in the wrong part of town – satellite dishes.
Satellite dishes everywhere.
There were even satellite dishes that have grown their own satellite dishes.
Downtown Attleboro also is filled with well maintained properties
Random dudes in hoodies walking around in the middle of the day
Concrete walls of glory
Parking lots of broken dreams
But at least in Attleboro they pave the roads in the worst part of town.
And like I said, outside of downtown Attleboro is actually quite lovely.
Honestly, I thought Taunton was gonna be a million times worse. We write about stories and ratchets from Taunton a lot, usually because someone just got shot by a Taunton High School dropout.
And when your town appears on Turtleboy a lot, something went terribly wrong. But this is what most of Taunton generally looks like:
I mean, it’s not Andover or Manchester by the Sea, but it’s not Brockton or Springfield either. People told us to head to the projects for some ratchetry. We hoped to see some able bodied men sitting on the stoop listening to really offensive music. Instead it was a ghost town:
Because apparently people who live in the projects in Taunton actually have jobs.
People on our Facebook page kept telling us to go to Harrison Street, Green Street, Broadway Street, and other places we thought would be filled with ratchets as far as the eye could see. But it wasn’t even that bad. Nevertheless, we can smell grime from a mile away, and we will find it. The first thing that attracts ratchets are old vacant factories. Taunton has plenty of that.
The railroad tracks are lovely this time of year
As are the well maintained and very clean sidewalks
The urban renewal project is moving along swimmingly.
You also know you’re in a cultural mecca when you see a plethora of bedsheet curtains in old, non-yuppified row houses.
There are plenty of unadvertised “yard sales,” which involve people leaving their unwanted trash on the sidewalk.
The economy is robust and the potential for economic investment is limitless.
Some Tuantonites like to like to aimlessly walk through town in capri jorts.
Others choose to dress like Taunton is about to get hit by a May Noreaster.
While still others choose to spend their entire Thursday sitting in the middle of the clusterfuck that is the downtown Taunton rotary wearing pajamas and anxiously awaiting the first of the month to arrive.
So what do you think? Did we get it right? And where should the bone ride tour head to next?
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