Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Cambridge, Somerville, Medford, Malden, Everett, Chelsea, Revere, Winthrop

 

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When you have no choice but to go to all 351 towns and cities in Massachusetts so as to set up a 64 team tournament to determine what is the crappiest place to live in the whole state, then you have no choice but to go to some awful places. And this bone ride we did wasn’t so much of a ride as it was a parking lot. That’s because we went to by far the most densely populated area of the state – the northern Boston metropolitan area. Five of the eight cities we went to are amongst the top 20 most populated in Massachusetts. Read on to find out how we ranked the following 8 towns we visited in order: Cambridge, Somerville, Medford, Malden, Everett, Chelsea, Revere, Winthrop.

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1. Malden

All these places are pretty similar. They’re crowded and urban. Malden is just a little bit nicer than most of them because homes there actually have lawns, and there’s trees and stuff like that. Ya know, normal things that normal people like. It’s like you’re living in a city, but not really. It’s not bad.

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Granted there’s still a shitload of traffic in some places and tons of really fun lights.

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And the closer you get to Everett, the dumpier it seems to get.

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But altogether it’s not too bad. I’d still never even consider living there though.

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2. Medford

Medford is similar to Malden, but there’s just more people walking around in pajama pants in the middle of the day.

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If you’re ever wondering where and when it’s OK to wear pajama pants, just ask yourself, “

Am I in the privacy of my own home and headed to bed?” 

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then the answer is no.

Medford is a couple cities removed Boston, so it seems like it’s a mixture of blue collar people who have never left Medford, hipsters on bicycles (there’s some really nice bike paths in Medford), friendly cops, parks, trees, discarded couches, hippies smoking dubies on the Mystic River (which runs through the entire city) and of course traffic. Always traffic.

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3. Somerville

Camridge Jr. That’s what this place is.

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Cambridge is home to some of some of the worst people America has to offer. Somerville just has slightly less of them and the roads are wider (which you’ll see makes a HUGE difference when you get to Cambridge). These people actually thought it would be wise to elect this ass bag to be their mayor:

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Joe Curtatone. The man who called the I-93 protesters heroes. Worst. Mayor. Ever.

Somerville is a big city and a major suburb of Boston. So it’s got all the makings of a huge dump – brick housing projects, triple deckers stacked next to each other like dominos, and tons of people. But unlike places like Dorchester, and Lawrence, and Worcester, which have similar infrastructure, Somerville is actually CLEAN, which makes a HUGE difference. That and the fact that people here apparently have jobs, so everyone is going somewhere instead of panhandling. I mean, when you look at these pictures just envision adding a bunch of trash everywhere, along with some middle aged men holding cardboard signs, and it instantly becomes Worcester:

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These pictures were taken at around noon. You’ll notice that no one is wandering around aimlessly, because they all have jobs.

Somerville is extremely liberal. And you can hate liberals all you want, but you simply cannot deny the fact that they are extremely clean people. That’s why you can have nice bike trails

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And the worst things you’ll see are places that buy gold

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And roving gangs of children with skateboards

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Still, couldn’t pay me enough to live amongst people who would think it’s wise to elected Joe Curtatone as their mayor.

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4. Winthrop

Disclaimer – we did not end up going to Winthrop. It’s cool though, because we’ve been there before so we can sum it up with some pictures from Google earth. Ya see, Winthrop, just like Nahant, Rockport, and Hull is a peninsula. To get into Winthrop you have to either go through East Boston or Revere, both of which suck. We were coming through Revere, and were greeted by this:

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Notice the green building on the left. Forty five minutes later we were right here:

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Same building. Literally sat in this same spot for 45 minutes before saying “fuck it” and turning around. Anyone who deals with this shit on a daily basis is mentally deranged. All these people are sitting in line to get to this:

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And we all know how good Massholes are with rotaries. For more information on how NOT to drive through a rotary, consult our video blog on this.

Anyway, Winthrop should be a lot nicer than it is. It’s not bad or anything like that. But it’s a Goddamn peninsula. Peninsula’s are be definition beach towns. They’re supposed to be nice and feel like the beach. Does any of this look like it feels like the beach?

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No. It looks like every single town in the South Shore. I don’t know why anyone would ever wanna live here. It sucks getting here, it’s directly next to Logan Airport, and it’s nothing special to look at.

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5. Everett

Everett is closer to Boston than Malden, so it seems a lot more urban, even though it’s smaller. Hardly anyone has a lawn, and those that do make it a point to ensure that it looks as bad as possible:

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In nice towns people water their lawns. In Everett they water the street:

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Everett has all the elements of a grimy little city. Corner stores ever other block, traffic like you read about

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White rape vans

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Satellite dishes as far as the eye can see

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Kids who think we all want to see their underpants

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“Hotels” with bed sheets as curtains

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And a general overall feel that you’re living in a place where people spend at least 20% of their annual income on the lottery because they desperately wanna move out of Everett.

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6. Cambridge

Cambridge could not come in last place simply because the next two cities are cesspools of filth, and Cambridge is pretty clean. But it’s just the worst place in America. It really is. This place gave America Joe Curtatone on steroids – Elizabeth Warren herself. A woman who gets paid $350,000 a year to teach one class at Harvard, rail against the cost of college, and pretend to be one of the common people while living in this million dollar home:

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The second you cross the bridge into Cambridge you’re greeted by panhandlers and suits shaving in their car

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And like we said earlier, it’s a lot like Somerville, in that it’s urban, but yet clean. But the streets are just insanely narrow and almost everything is a one way.

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Which of course means you have to deal with earth crunchy morons who can save the planet but can’t figure out how to parallel park.

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It’s also home to the largest amount of Prius’ per square mile, because this is how the Gish Jen’s of the world convince themselves that they’re good people – by driving a Prius.

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That and voting for Bernie of course:

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Since Cambridge is a large city (over 100,000 people), there are plenty of people hanging out in the middle of the city doing nothing all day.

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There’s also a never ending supply of colorful characters who walk up and down the street telling you about awesome Canada is

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Hippies on their way to the organic ethnic coffee shop

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And morons who walk right in front of your car while looking at their phones, because they think crosswalks give them the right to be assholes.

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And in these liberal cities everyone is an environmental hero, which means tons of people on bikes.

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And they can’t have normally named restaurants and stores. It’s like a rule if you open up a business in Cambridge that you have to name it something bizarre, like Lord Hobo

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Although the one chain they can’t get enough is is Whole Foods. They’re everywhere.

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And Whole Foods is very eco-friendly. LOL Just kidding. All the stuff in there came on a gas guzzing truck from across the country.

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7. Revere

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Rather kill myself than live in Revere. Not even kidding. Much rather be dead. It is BY FAR the worst city in the entire state for traffic and nothing comes close.

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It’s basically set up where there are three or four roads that run north-south. Along the ocean you’ve got this highway that takes you to the most ghettofied beach in America – Revere Beach.

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And you can move on some of these roads because they’re highways. The views are picturesque.

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When you drive along you can’t help but think to yourself, “

If I had a dead body in my trunk I would definitely throw it in there. Because this place just looks like it was created to dump dead bodies.”

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Everything west of Main Street will make you think you’re in New Jersey, which is fitting because 99% of the people you will meet from Revere seem to think they live in New Jersey. Not nice New Jersey where the Sopranos lived either. I’m talking about where Jackie Jr. would go to buy drugs.

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8. Chelsea

Safe to say that Chelsea will be a 1 seed in our biggest dumps in Massachusetts tournament. It’s a special kind of awful. First of all, it is DIRECTLY in the flight path of every single plain that both lands and takes off from Logan Airport. It’s insane.

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Not even kidding you when I say that every 30 seconds you have to deal with this:

Guess you’re just supposed to get used to it.

Besides the planes there are tons of other things to hate about this place. There’s literally nothing about it that makes it remotely nice. It’s crowded

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dirty

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Owns the world record for satellite dishes per capita

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Fat bastards in cut off shirts and mess shorts

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Flying plastic blags that roam free and unrestrained

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Grown men on bikes sitting outside of convenience stores engaging in transactions that are DEFINITELY legal

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And you know what’s really good for property value? When every store in town has a big “We accept food stamps” sign in the front window.

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Downtown is lovely

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And just like many cities in America, it’s a rule in Chelsea that if you have nothing to do then you have to find a Tedeschis, throw trash on the ground, and then aimlessly stand there all day.

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Don’t go to Chelsea.

Anyway, what do you think? What did we miss? We always miss something. Did we get the rankings right this time? And where should we go next? We’ve been to 122 towns and cities so far, so we’re over a third of the way done.

 

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9 Comment(s)
  • June 22, 2017 at 8:09 am

    Are Jealous

  • Fatfingr Lou
    June 10, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    Everett grows some damned fine football players.

  • BlackandWhite
    June 10, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    I detest Cambridge. Effin hippies.

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      June 10, 2016 at 2:53 pm

      Detest isn’t a strong enough word for that communist shit hole. I have to go into Cambridge on occasion for work and when I get home take a shower first thing to remove the filth and disease that permeates that cesspool.

  • Joe Max
    June 10, 2016 at 2:31 pm

    Revere wasn’t bad, say before 1980 give or take. On the other hand, seems like most everywhere was not too bad before 80. Just thinking, could have been before 75 or even 70. Dinosaur minds do fade with time !

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    June 10, 2016 at 9:17 am

    Revere beach has the original Kelly’s Roast Beef. Best. Fried. Clam. Plate. Anywhere. Hands down. Well worth the trip. Nothing, and I mean nothing in Worcester County can compare. Before anyone brings up Kellys in Jordan’s Furniture, that food is crap so don’t even bring it up.

  • BobnMic
    June 10, 2016 at 3:23 am

    I’ve always wondered with some of those north shore congested with traffic towns and cities how long it would take a Red Sox fan to get to Fenway Park. I takes me 45 minutes including parking because I go to the same spot everytime coming from Worcester. So a 7 p.m. game I leave at 5:30 and I’m in my seats at batting practice.

    What about Foxboro to see a Pat’s game. I bet I get there a lot faster that some of those north shore residents. Thank God for the Mass Pike.

    • BobnMic
      June 10, 2016 at 3:54 am

      Well maybe a little longer depending on traffic heading in after Framingham and if it’s a week end game. But definitely getting to Foxboro faster than anyone from the north shore.

      • Fatfingr Lou
        June 10, 2016 at 7:05 pm

        BobnMic,

        Orange line to North Station jump on the Green Line to Kenmore. Ta dah!

        I remember bailing out at 3 and parking at a meter on Boyleston…feeding it until 6….maybe $5 before the game. Later, had some pals at key retail/restaurant locations that ditched the wheels for free.

        I’m certain that similar arrangements can be made.

        Slainte

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