All-Star Criminals

Trader Ho’s Block Traffic On 128 In Danvers To Play Slappy Tag, Possibly Over Whose Kid Got The Solo In Upcoming Recital


In Boston we got EBT Phone Homies clogging up the highway by riding on I-93. In Danvers we got basic white bitches having a slap fest and clogging up 128 over who cut who in line at Trader Joe’s.

OF COURSE one of them is driving a Subaru. Guaranteed there’s groceries in the back and none of them are in plastic bags because….global warming.

Once the Real Housewives of the North Shore finally gets syndicated, it’s gonna be the most highly rated show of all time. You think YOUR kid is getting the solo in the upcoming recital? Think again. This is what happens when you mess with a bad bitch on her way home to Beverly. Don’t get it twisted though – she grew up in Revere. She don’t play that. You can move these people to Middleton or Danvers or Wenham or wherever. You can take the ratchet of Revere, but you can never take the Revere out of the ratchet.

(Editor’s note – I have no idea if either one of them are from Revere, just playing the odds on this one)

The blonde gave her the Manchester Matador by the Sea with the door too. Video starts off with her standing in front of it, keeping the Peabody porridge queen caged in the vehicle where she belonged. When she realized that she was clearly overpowered she stepped back and let Isaac Newton do his magic.

Down goes Donna!

You know these chicks have lived outside of the 95 belt for too long because they immediately went to the open fist slap, instead of the closed fist that they were taught growing up.

Next thing you know they’re waltzing to the Minuet in G.


Anyway, I would love to know who these ladies are. This appears to the be the license plate of the Nissan registered to the brunette:

What do you think? 23H K85? That’s what it looks like to me. If any turtle riders wanna run that one for us we’d love to interview them and have them on the next episode of Turtleboy Live.


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29 Comment(s)
  • Chester Courtland
    April 6, 2019 at 2:52 pm

    Beverly, Salem, Danvers and Peabody are all Brockton North.

  • Glosta Girl
    April 2, 2019 at 2:45 pm

    See ya at Fiesta BITCH!

  • TD
    April 2, 2019 at 9:06 am

    News didn’t reveal names but both found and charged. One of them is 65 and both stand to lose their license indefinitely if they don’t show up to court. Also the younger one (hard 33) is being charged with assault on a person over 60 which ups the ante right into a felony. Hoping someone can dig up names.

  • bigdaddy
    April 1, 2019 at 6:39 pm

    Its true they fight like girls

    • Jim
      April 1, 2019 at 7:35 pm

      Rhonda Rousey they’re not.

      • Jeff J
        Heywood Jablowme
        April 1, 2019 at 9:22 pm

        One of em’s been identified as 33?? Daaaamn…….by the looks of either one that is 33 Hard years!!

        • bigdaddy
          April 1, 2019 at 9:30 pm

          Thats 33 in ratchet years = 50 in normal years

        • Howard JaBlowMe
          April 1, 2019 at 10:50 pm

          I got her in her prime 15 years ago.

          • Haywood Jablowme
            April 2, 2019 at 6:30 am

            That’s HAYWOOD

        • Ben Dover
          April 1, 2019 at 10:55 pm

          She was a good lay back in high school. I was a freshman and she was a junior roast beef.

  • Jerry Attrick
    April 1, 2019 at 6:19 pm

    The North Shore is pretty low on the classiness scale overall. Spend about 30 minutes anywhere on or shortly off Route 1 up that way and this becomes apparent pretty quickly. Danvers for example is like the Beverly Hills for Guidos.

  • Women Drivers
    April 1, 2019 at 6:01 pm

    Women are great at driving, just kidding.

  • Dick GoZinya
    April 1, 2019 at 5:09 pm

    Absolutely March ” Massholes of the month winners…

  • Revere
    April 1, 2019 at 4:52 pm

    We would also accepted Malden or Everett.

  • Not Picky
    April 1, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    Would and would.

  • randiguy2006
    Randall Guy
    April 1, 2019 at 4:15 pm

    EBT? They look white.

    • Lord Acton
      April 1, 2019 at 4:27 pm

      @ Randall Guy
      And it would appear you can’t read.

    • randall guy is worthless
      April 1, 2019 at 11:31 pm

      shut up randy you fucking idiot

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Old Tom Morris
    April 1, 2019 at 2:23 pm

    Girl fights are just so adorable.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    April 1, 2019 at 2:21 pm

    Unfortunately these altercations are commonplace today in Trump’s America.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 1, 2019 at 2:16 pm

    After a shaky start, I think the brunette would be the victor

  • warpedhead
    April 1, 2019 at 2:02 pm

    “The women were identified by police as a 33-year-old from Gloucester and a 64-year-old from Beverly.” Old news, Staties beat ya to it…

    “State police did not release the names of the women involved, but said charges were being considered in consultation with the Essex District Attorney’s office.”

  • Well, No Shit
    April 1, 2019 at 2:02 pm

    For Christ’s sake! Doesn’t anybody ever headbutt anymore? As soon as Red October moved her face into range, Corduroy Queen should have fed her some forehead.

    Then it would have been, “How’s that broken nose working out for you, fatty?”

  • Alexandria Occasional Cortex
    April 1, 2019 at 2:02 pm

    If the Green New Deal, which outlaws cars and cow farts, had been in the place at the time this never would’ve happened!

  • Richyrich
    April 1, 2019 at 1:42 pm

    I am forced to endure this sort of mass-holery twice per day during my 128 commute and this comes as no surprise. Put the Dalai Lhama behind the wheel in 128 and he will quickly become just another dick from Burlington

    • Doucheydouche
      April 1, 2019 at 1:48 pm

      Heading home to Marblehead I bet

  • hank
    April 1, 2019 at 1:39 pm

    Hahahahahaha. What a couple of cunts. Somehow it’ll be Trumps fault.

    • Betty Ford
      April 1, 2019 at 1:43 pm

      or GW

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