So we’ve been writing a lot about the Connecticut Corridor because they seem to be a ratchet factory. Whether it’s some cheesehog from Danielson, or a gutterslug from Putnam, they’re always missing teeth and they always wear pajama pants out in public. We haven’t been on a bone ride in a while, and we obviously wanted to see what the ratchet nest looked like in all its splendor, so Turtleboy, WANDA, and the bone ride crew rolled up a fatty, gassed up the car, and took a tour of the CT Corridor. And as always, we ranked the following 9 towns we visited in order from nicest to crap happiest: Thompson, Putnam, Killingly, Sterling, Plainfield, Caterbury, Brooklyn, Pomfret, Woodstock. Join us in our journey….
Most of these towns are older looking and rundown. But Woodstock does a nice job at least trying to make itself look presentable. It actually has newer looking homes where the people seem to care about not making it look like a honey badger den.
Mixed in with some older, big ass, but well kept up architecture that helps the town maintain its charm.
Mixed in with the occasional farm
Or boarding school
The downside is that this is downtown
And once a year they get invaded by the entire village of Southbridge for the Woodstock Fair.
Pomfret is basically just an older looking version of Woodstock. It’s filled with country roads
And older looking, but not Walking Dead looking homes
Brooklyn is pretty much the same thing as Pomfret except with a jail.
Quiet, lonely country roads, decent looking homes, and townsfolk who seem to care about their property value.
Canterbury is the boonies. This is what a traffic jam looks like in downtown Canterbury
It’s the land of nothing but double yellow roads, sprawling farms, and the occasional shack that’s collapsed on itself.
So, the first four towns are all on the west side of I-395. And apparently the highway is the dividing line between respectability, and ratchetness. Sterling is probably the nicest town on the eastern half of 395, but that’s not really saying much. Unless you’re into abandoned garages
Neighbors who park school buses in their yards like Gary Busey
Neighbors who treat their yards like it’s the town dump
Neighbors who never take out their air conditioners, no matter the season, and just crank their heat up instead.
Neighbors who treat their driveways like a scrapyard of stolen vehicles.
Other than that Sterling is just a bunch of row houses, isolated country roads, and the occasional pleasant looking piece of property.
Just watch out for those killer gingers. They’ll get ya every time.
When you come to Thompson you have to take in all the sighs. From the rundown silos
To the railway to nowhwere
To the booming downtown of North Grosvenordale
To the prime real estate available
To the random houses with school buses parked in their yards
To the non-functional stationwagons that have been converted to cars full of trash
To the garages of enchantment
To the passenger seat lawn decorations
To the unabomber-style abodes
Thompson does actually have some decent looking areas, the further away you get from North Grosvenordale
But you have to keep in mind that you’re 10 minutes from Webster. And that’s never a good thing.
Plainfield has some parts where you’re like, “oh, that’s not so bad”
But then you start driving around and you start asking yourself, “what the hell is that thing?”
Or “how many broken down appliances can you fit on your porch at one time?”
Or, “why do so many people have couches on their front lawns?”
“What happened to that car’s wheels”
“Why is there a wagon wheel next to that fan?”
“How many satellite dishes do you need on your apartment before you finally get a signal?”
“How much trash can one family produce in a week?”
“Is there some sort of competition to see who can assemble the most random shit on their front lawn?”
“How many people lost their jobs when the mill closed?”
And finally, “how much for this parking lot of broken dreams?”
The bad news for Putnam is they’re the town that got stuck with the Wal-Mart and strip mall:
Which of course means every swamp donkey from Killingly and Plainfield is coming to Putnam to get their baby formula and Wendy’s.
They also stuck the courthouse here, which leads to plenty of Danielson’s finest ripping butts outside as they wait for their CWOF on the latest domestic charge.
There’s a lot to do in Putnam. Like, standing on the sidewalk watching cars go bye.
If Hitler invaded Putnam, he’d probably just let them keep it.
I mean, what does the Third Reich need with all these campers
Bags of trash
And abandoned shopping carts?
Even the Fuhrer would probably just say “fuck it” and move onto Rhode Island.
Home to both Dayville and Danielson, Killingly is everything you dreamed it would be. The town of Killingly is apparently going for the “1945 Dresden” look.
The gas stations double as houses of horror for the local children.
Many locals have elected not to get rid of their broken down hippiemobiles, but rather to keep them in their yards.
Others prefer the red rape van.
Killingly has no shortage of guys standing around watching Killingly traffic.
Other than that Killingly is basically just a bunch of rundown homes, satellite dishes, smokestacks, abandoned vehicles, and extravagant Connecticut Corridor lawn furniture.
This trip was everything we dreamed it would be and more.
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