All-Star Criminals

Turtleboy Made Aaron Hernandez Kill Himself Because We Wrote Mean Things About Him

Turtleboy Made Aaron Hernandez Kill Himself Because We Wrote Mean Things About Him

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Breaking: Aaron Hernandez’ neck bones. In case you haven’t heard the news, Aaron Hernandez is now listed as questionable for the season opener with a neck injury. He’s also announced that he will NOT be going to the White House today.

Just kidding, he’s dead. Hung himself last night like a coward. Looks like his appeal is off to a rough start. Jose Baez said he wanted to take that case on too. Looks like Hernandez left him hangin.

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Anyway, good riddance. Guy was pure evil. And if you’re keeping track at home, this is our second suicide forced in the last week. Because according to local communist/blogger Red Danny Margolis, whenever we criticize someone in a blog and they end up killing themselves, it’s totally our fault. And we have to assume at this point Hernandez rides the turtle. Who doesn’t? Maybe he’s a huge Talib Kweli fan and he’s following our tweet beef and decided he couldn’t watch his boy get roasted like that. At least the people we make commit suicide are mostly murderers. I promise if nice people start doing this because of our blogs we’ll hang em up, much like Hernandez did.

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Honestly, this is the least selfish thing he’s ever done. I’m happy that his trashbag girlfriend will finally be able to move on. Hopefully she’ll find a decent dude who can actually be a father figure to her daughter instead of hauling her back and forth to Shirley every weekend. Frequent visits to a prison to see your Dad is no way for a kid to grow up.

BTW, I’m still not 100% sure this is a suicide. Aaron Hernandez is a bitch. Alexander Bradley would kill him in a heartbeat, and that dude is one bad mamma jamma. Wouldn’t put it up above him to pull a Stringer Bell and have someone on the inside take him out and make it look like a suicide. Nah mean Deangelo?’

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P.S. Even though he’s dead, he’d still be the best tight end on the Jets. Just sayin.

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25 Comment(s)
  • Fiesty's nitemare
    April 20, 2017 at 7:15 am

    What nothing from your in house fake lawyer

  • Publius
    April 19, 2017 at 11:25 pm

    He was never going to see the outside as a free man and now the trips to court were over. The odds of a winning appeal on the first trial slim at best and it would be years if not a decade. For once Hernandez did the right thing.

  • ZephyrCat
    April 19, 2017 at 7:46 pm

    Wood!

  • Plainclothes Greg G
    April 19, 2017 at 2:34 pm

    This incident makes me wish I had some type of plain clothes federal detective gig, as I seek to destroy criminals yet would prefer to go incognito, so to speak.

  • Fastmark
    April 19, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    Should read. Tied the knot but was never married.

    • wabbitt
      April 19, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      He doesn’t have a big dick, but he is well hung.

      He got a life sentence but only served three years. Patriots cheating again!

  • johnnyb
    April 19, 2017 at 12:35 pm

    Keep up the good work TBS!!

  • Mr. T
    April 19, 2017 at 12:26 pm

    Does this mean the Patriots will be retiring his jersey and HANG it from the goal post at Foxboro. Probably figured he’d leave on a high note after his not guilty verdict. Just saved the MA taxpayers a bunch of money, and the daughter won’t even remember him in a month or so.

  • Phong
    April 19, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    Murdered. The new laywer probably got a deal if he’d rat on gangs. He had to go.

  • Woodiculous
    April 19, 2017 at 11:22 am

    Phew. If the new lawyer got him off on the Odin Llyod appeal, it wouldn’t be 10 seconds before the Baltimore Ravens signed his ex-con ass.

    • wabbitt
      April 19, 2017 at 2:08 pm

      Or the Cowboys. They love criminals, too.

  • Turd Burglestein
    April 19, 2017 at 11:20 am

    If Turtleboy blogs cause convicted murderers to commit suicide in prison, by all means please write a blog on every single convicted murderer. You’re doing society a huge favor.

    • tngsucks
      April 19, 2017 at 4:30 pm

      Unfortunately his next one may need to be in Spanish. Do we have a spanish turtlewriter?

  • Belichick
    April 19, 2017 at 10:38 am

    Dude still choked less than the Falcons.

  • Ryan
    April 19, 2017 at 10:17 am

    He took the Celtics loss a bit too hard.

  • Tim
    April 19, 2017 at 10:12 am

    Karma payback time. Coming back as a 3 legged dog in North Korea.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    April 19, 2017 at 9:54 am

    Every time the waste of oxygen farted the media was all over it. Good riddance, now once the media circus blows over we never have to hear his name again.

    • True Reality Speaks
      April 19, 2017 at 6:04 pm

      Amen

  • Wasted
    April 19, 2017 at 9:52 am

    Had it ALL! Someone wants to give you $40000000.00 and you still want to play the thug life.
    Such a fool. Would have known a diamond if he held it in his hand.

    • ElJefe72
      April 19, 2017 at 12:10 pm

      The things you think are precious I can’t understand.

  • Wtf
    April 19, 2017 at 9:48 am

    I am confused by this. Why now ? Since he was just found innocent of whatever , I thought Biaz would use that to appeal the other sentence. I am
    gonna go with a NOT suicide theory. Someone helped him with that and it had to be a bigger dude or more than one. It’s too bad I was thinking angel would be Aron’s butt buddy. Guess not.

    • Teliantes
      April 19, 2017 at 11:01 am

      you misunderstand the verdict. We do not give out ‘innocent’ verdicts- we tive ‘not guilty’, because what that essentially means is that he was not able to be peoven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. They did not have enough tangible evidence to prove him guilty so he was not found ‘innocent’, nut was unable to be found ‘guilty’. Big difference. He knew what he was- he was guilty and somehow wanted vindication before ending what he knew was still a lifetime of hell. He would never have fotten out of prison on the 1st conviction and just wanted to live long enough to get some vindication. He may have grown a conscience while in prison-but i find that unlikely. If your ead his letters from prison he showed no remorse for any of the killings and was obsessed with himself.

    • Old guard
      April 19, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      He was in a single cell.
      He pegged his cell door.
      There are cameras pointed down every tier.
      Ye t you think someone, it would have to be staff, went to his cell undeterred by the cameras, went inside and hung this former NFL player so quietly that no one heard it go down? Because if they did, the whole block would have erupted immediately.
      Suicide bro, nothing hear to see.

  • TIG OLE BITTIES
    April 19, 2017 at 9:47 am

    Hernandez did this the morning the Pats are in DC visiting the “Whites Only House” and now Tommy and Belicheck and Kraft all have to talk about him today because of course the press will ask them. I think he did it himself this day, just so they would all have to talk about him today. He’s such a dick. The only innocent person in this whole drama is the daughter who now will be in public schools the rest of her life and we know Ms Jenkins next man wI’ll be a weed smoking drug dealing tatoo having gang relating mutha fuckers because that’s all that bitch attracts. Phew I feel better

  • Ryan
    April 19, 2017 at 9:28 am

    That ugly bitch Jenkins should kill herself too. Give that poor kid of theirs a chance to get raised by decent people.

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