Smiles And Sunshine

Want To Shut Down Turtleboy Sports Forever? Here’s How To Do It.

So you want to take down Turtleboy Sports once and for all, do you? Want to smite us out in the name of the social justice status quo so that you may be officially dubbed the Protector of Online Feelz?


Well then, first off – fuck you, you angel-soft bag of lily petals and tears. Please go grab a tissue for your tears, and a tampon for your weeping bloody vagina. In fact, please grab a whole box, so you can share with all these people, too:


It may help console them when they realize that, despite all that really wisely expended energy used to express their outrage, we’re still sitting at a 4.6 rating.



Then, secondly, sit down, pour yourself a nice, cool, gluten-free vegan keto-friendly glass of shut the hell up, and let me explain to you the only surefire way to shut this shit down for good. You’re welcome.


Plenty of people have tried by now, and boy – have they tried. Some people have all but dedicated their entire sad and meaningless existences to the task.  And yet, despite all the self righteous indignation and vitriol hurled our way, still we stand.

Years of dedicated mass reporting our posts on social media for no legitimate reason whatsofuckingever definitely wounded us – but sadly, stopped short of vanquishing the Turtle.

Well now, how heroic, albeit ultimately, and tragically, ineffective.

Better luck next time, guys.


Boycotting our advertisers was clever, and certainly left a dent….


But unfortunately, our pesky readers picked up the slack (thanks guys!) And let’s be forthright for a minute – I’m personally not in this for the money. You realistically did more damage to the small businesses guilty of nothing more than seeking out advertising for their livelihoods. Very dashing of you!

Costly lawsuits certainly drew our ire, but were ultimately fruitless. Just ask Rian Waters, for one.  Or maybe, don’t, if you want good advice – he’s kind of delusional.



Or maybe ask the ACLU and “Failure Swift”? 


Even mailing libelous flyers across the boss’s hometown didn’t take us down.


Valiant effort, though.

By now you might be asking yourself, “What is the point of this, you stupid fat cunt? Just to gloat and brag? I thought you were going to tell us how to shut down your vile internet blog forever? The precious few minutes I’ve spent reading this so far could be so much better served reporting opinions and language I disagree with as pornography and terrorism on Twitter!”


Well, now, hold your horses, and I’ll tell you. It’s a simple, one step process that will completely bleed us dry. I promise. Are you ready?


Step One (And Only) To Completely Killing off Turtleboy Sports:

Stop broadcasting your entire stupid lives on the internet.


That’s literally it. Stupid easy.


Stop clogging up the interwebs with every fight you have with your baby daddy, every eviction you face because you “forgot” to pay your rent, every stupid thing you see someone’s kids do that you erroneously feel you have some sort of authority to preside over. Stop distributing every picture of every shitty meal you cook with the funds left over after your half on the dollar EBT flashsale – stop posting those sales online. Stop airing out all of your bullshit drama in your sentagraphs of pissed-off grammatical-abortions. Stop sharing every sordid detail of every misfortune, big or small, that emboldens you to beg complete strangers for $5,000 to pay for your DCF lawyer or another shitty apartment you are inevitably going to be booted from, because there is no website that collects basic life skills for you, nor can they be bought with random people’s pity cash. Stop announcing to the entire internet every time you *think* you witness racism because the 20-something burned out imbecile behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts forgot that black lady’s extra shot of caramel swirl. Just. Fucking. Stop.


Seriously. If you, and every other fucking idiot scumbag loser out there takes the time to do this, we’ll be done within the month. The only reason we have material, is because you fucking people can’t shut up. You can’t grasp the elementary concept of “public information”, and you consider yourselves so fucking relevant that what you say just HAS to be heard, by millions of people, right fucking now. That is…unless criticism rolls in where you were expecting a chorus of “yes” men to be. Then it’s an issue, then the boycotts and lawsuits and butthurt reviews come flooding in. It’s utterly ludicrous and entirely avoidable – just, with all due respect of course, shut the fuck up.

Why do you think we’re so popular? Because we are saying what other people are thinking. As bloggers here at Turtleboy, we simply strive illuminate facts that otherwise would languish in the shadows.  In our quests to uncover, deduce and expose, we ourselves become the conduit to expose the simplest truth in modern human existence – people like to talk about other people. It’s human nature. Most people sit in the comfort and relative privacy of their own living rooms, discussing the eight hundredth batshit crazy status that guy from high school chemistry class posted today (He never really did show signs of going anywhere with his life, did he?), or the fifth kid their former neighbor is due to pop out in a few months (She never could even clean up after the kids she had, and she’s always complaining about the father in statuses!). We just came in and started splaying it out for the public to see, with no pretenses or facade to hide it. We don’t rely on hearsay or rumor – simply your own words, displayed openly for the world to see. You don’t have a problem with this, I’m sure –


Because they’re “public figures”, right? They asked for it. And somehow, you think, that by stepping in the middle of the proverbial crowded stadium that social media has become and loudly announcing your version of your own private life, you haven’t. You’re wrong. And we’re here to remind you.

The openness and transparency encouraged by the Internet begets an alarming level of nonstop exposure. Allowing the world to read about—and comment on—your political opinions is one thing. Allowing the world a front-row seat to witness every single facet of your existence comes with a flip side – you’re admitting evidence into the court of public opinion. Social media’s much-heralded opportunity for connection and expression, over time and amid the cacophony of competing voices, can lead to a form of leveling that risks rendering even the most serious topics banal, the most banal topics questionable. And the medium’s encouragement of self-exposure transforms private pain into voyeurism. The most engaging of these lands in our inboxes, and we take license to critique. There’s an easy way to stop it – shut the curtains if you don’t want the exposure. Or, keep them wide open and walk around metaphorically buck-ass naked, I don’t care. Just don’t pitch a bitch fit when you catch the neighbor’s gawking.

Prior to this surge of the Facebook newsfeed and Twitter threads, the road to fame was long and difficult. In order to get on the map, you had to hire an agent or audition for a gig. Every once in a while, there would be that lucky person who was just born into the right family. Today, all you need is a camera and a working keyboard. The rise of Internet celebrities has shown the rest of the world how easy it is to introduce yourself to the public. Attention is just one dramatic, inspiring, indignant or compelling post away – reality and facts be damned. And so, we exist, sometimes to debunk, or offer commentary, or simply point and laugh because we can – you gave us the material, we’ll give you the attention if you can catch ours. You decided to thrust yourself into the public eye, and the reality is the public has opinions and they’re not always flattering. Don’t like it? Then grow some damn boundaries. Look up the word “stoicism”, and perhaps even reflect on what society is lost.


Or, you can keep mass reporting, and we’ll keep writing, and we’ll see who comes out the better for it. Here’s a little pro-tip, though – the more you offer up reactions, the more material we get.


41 Comment(s)
  • I See Dumb People
    I see Dumb people
    July 2, 2019 at 11:46 am

    Fuck SJWs they are a plague and Turtleboy is the vaccine!!! I will be sure to get my daily dose of anti-sjw every morning at Turtleboy Sports to stay healthy and informed. Thank You TBS and all the great writers/journalists for saying what most of us cant due to fear of backlash on our livelihoods

  • randiguy2006
    taken by thine own hand.
    July 2, 2019 at 11:21 am


    You’re already neutering yourself with the click through to the “cleaner” article BS. You’re forgetting what made you mildly amusing in the first place.

    You are correct that no one else can kill you. It’s going to be a suicide.

    It was fun while it lasted though.

  • Big Wick
    July 2, 2019 at 9:38 am

    Gold, Bristol, pure gold! You’ve so eloquently expressed what many of us know, and what these loudmouth ratchets, SJW’s and crybabies continually fail to grasp. “Z” said it well in his Belichick comparison: “Only a moron would make their life public to morons.” And the succinct e-card: “I’m sorry the concept of overshare eludes you.” We Riders are, though, NOT SORRY, as we enjoy PUBLIC dumpster fires. ESPECIALLY when it results in deserved arrests, like those of Juicin’ Jeremy and Franklin “Smollett” Baxley. Don Henley said it best: “People love it when you lose, we love dirty laundry.”
    Besides, many commenters (Wwy, Nadia and Randall aside) contribute their own entertaining gems. Keep it up, all!

  • Aspiring baby daddy
    July 1, 2019 at 9:42 pm

    Bristol, you sexy-ass wordsmith. This post is fantastic. Your wit is like a pillow of satiation to me, every word resonating…penetrating my soul like a Penn State assistant coach.

  • Mike
    July 1, 2019 at 9:24 pm

    The anti vaccination crew is the worst of the worst. Take a look at some of those loser’s Facebook pages. They get off on the attention, and it’s alarming. Sad.

  • Nadia Yenraek
    Nadia Yenraek
    July 1, 2019 at 9:04 pm

    You’ve got it all wrong. The reason this blog is going down in flames is because people like Laura Larsen, Mike Gaffney, Rian Waters, Charlotte McFarland, Margaret Hegarty, Jennifer Azadnia, and Kathryn Narcis have done it right. Literally suing the pants off turtlestain and making him cry for money.

    I think it’s hysterical that turtleshit, who doesn’t give a fuck who he hurts because “They deserve to be shamed”, is going to be bankrupted by lawyers.

    This will be a fitting end.

    • Nadia's Camel Toe, all drippy, and blaoted
      July 1, 2019 at 9:56 pm

      Nadia, You’re clearly retarded. Yes, it is ok to live in your own little world, but for heaven’s sake at least understand what you are talking about. So you project, the likes of Laura Larsen, Mike Gaffney, Rian Waters, Charlotte McFarland, Margaret Hegarty, Jennifer Azadnia, and Kathryn Narcis doing it right by suing. TBS has had to spend some resources, but lawyer here bright star, I can guarantee the money those folks had to put up FAR EXCEEDS what TBS has had to put up to defend. And guess what? Turtleriders have, indeed, donated meaningful amounts of money to support the TBS cause. The ACLU has picked up TBS and defends it (sure, they probably aren’t crazy about the content) but they are defending TBS right to say it. Just like you should be. Instead, you appear to be just another whiny libtard bent on killing this society one hurt feelz at a time. AND IF you’re not paying attention, TBS is actually getting more and more exposure. They will catch on more and more as the evilness of people like you becomes more apparent. As I always say, BAG of Dicks for you (Nadia), it seems assuredly that you could use them, bad.

      • Nadia's Empty Life
        July 2, 2019 at 5:40 am

        I’ll bet you a look up Jenny’s skirt that Nadia is Mike Gaffney.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      July 2, 2019 at 3:09 am

      Hey, Milky Mike!
      Curb your obsession with this place, you daft sod.

      Now, off you fuck and do something constructive!

    • Sharp Todd
      July 2, 2019 at 7:35 am

      Wow, just a huge and exhausted WOW! This was one of the most racist and disgusting comments I have ever read! Do you even WOKE, bro? Nadia: This is pure unadulterated Cultural Oppressiation.

    • JoeMomma
      July 2, 2019 at 9:24 am


      Thanks for stopping by. your clicks help keep putting money in TurtleBoy’s pocket. Keep up the good work.

    July 1, 2019 at 8:49 pm

    The posting seems to neglect the attention paid to the corrupt among the police, judges, prosecutors, and elected officials. Those stories are good, especially when semi attractive females are involved.

  • cjd602
    July 1, 2019 at 8:18 pm

    Pure awesomeness

  • hartf811
    July 1, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    I see a post from Charlie Aubucheon lashing out. Dude you are the name and the face of 140 hardware stores that cater to everyone who is NOT a SJW. Do you really want to be outed Chuck?
    Ace is prowling for more stores to keep their Ponzi scheme afloat. An exposé of your organization ripping off clientele through inefficient distribution would go a long way to shuttering your shitty stores. How many generations will piss through your fingers? Better think hard on this one Upchuck.

    • Check Your Meds
      July 1, 2019 at 7:08 pm

      What are you talking about?

      • Y
        July 1, 2019 at 7:53 pm

        Dick face Charlie left a negative review.
        I’m glad you noticed, and pointed it out, because I’ll be sure to shop elsewhere now.

    • z
      July 1, 2019 at 7:46 pm

      Really? If so, that’s really, really stupid.

  • Mr. Wood
    July 1, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Mr. Wood does not normally engage with the “pontificators” of wit…however, because Bristol is simply a genius in her account of our current deteriorating earthly encounters… Mr. wood WOULD!!!!

  • Klancy
    July 1, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    I love you Bristol. You’re an island I’d brilliance in a shit storm. If I were younger, lesbian, cute, intelligent, had a sense of humor, not stalking Kyle…

  • z
    July 1, 2019 at 5:42 pm

    Britney was back in rehab????
    The fuck you say!!!!!!

    I’m fucking Rip Van WInkle. Trump is president??? WTF?? That guy from that show????

    Be Bill Belichick. But being B.B. is hard to pull off. Not the coaching.
    He could easily have 10 million FB and/or Twitter followers.
    But, instead, it’s a implied but never said “Only a moron would make their life public to morons”.

    Thousands of years of civilization muddling along and then Social Media.
    I always thought civilization (not man kind) would end in a nuclear war.
    Not end because of Twitter, FaceBook and Instagram.

  • Suck It
    July 1, 2019 at 5:00 pm

    I’m not really sure what this article is about because I just scrolled down hoping for a hot pic of Mayor Correia’s girlfriend.
    I honestly think this site would do better if it had a lot less of the girl writers just rambling on sentence after sentence and a lot more pics of Mayor Corriea’s bomb shell girlfriend!!
    Just my opinion.

    • Pleez Dig Up Noodz of Jenny
      July 1, 2019 at 6:50 pm

      Let’s have more of both. Bristol is a great talent.

      Jenny…oh Jenny….

  • Henry Chu
    July 1, 2019 at 4:34 pm

    This web site bring great shame to real asian women who are actuarry looking for men in my area

  • Very Telling!
    July 1, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    Kind of WOW on this post!
    Very Telling!
    Perhaps some soothing lavender tea might calm the nerves, and anxiety.

  • Batman
    July 1, 2019 at 4:14 pm

    Bristol, today’s bad work count, one cunt and one bloody vagina. Not bad but please try to work “twat” in a little more often? Personal favorite of both mine and the boy wonders. Keep up the good work.

    • dowen0895
      Dick Scratcher
      July 1, 2019 at 7:27 pm

      I know I’ve said this before, but pronounce it “twAT” instead of “twOT”. It just sounds way fucking better as an insult.

      Trust the Limey on this one.

  • NewBedfud
    July 1, 2019 at 3:51 pm

    On the lawsuit front, Mr Panagokis just lost his 5 biggest rents when the Dunkin franchise owner elected to simply stop doing business with him on the South Coast. Harsh!

    Maybe he won’t be so flush with cash to pay for his frivolous lawsuit against turtles and maybe his wife wont have as much cash to throw around now.

  • Local real local
    July 1, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    This reminds me of the anti-motivation poster:

    Failure : because your best is just not good enough.

  • Turtle Rider
    July 1, 2019 at 3:45 pm

    Newsflash faggots, coons, spicks, porch monkeys, and of course libs: THE TURTLE IS HERE TO STAY!

    • foleyworld
      Micheal Gomes
      July 1, 2019 at 4:14 pm

      What an ignorant hate-filled white trash hillbilly mentality. I happen to be Hispanic, middle of the road politically though tend to lean towards the Dems more lately but all that aside I love and donate ( donate, a word that’s probably not in your 3rd grade Alabama- like vocabulary) to TBS!
      And though I’m sure you’d feel emboldened and self righteous by uttering “spic” under your breath if you passed me on the street ( not too loud though cuz you might lose another tooth). I bet it would piss you off to know that I pay in taxes more than your entire gross income every year.
      Turtle Boy screams common sense and it’s nit a political platform or a hate groups platform. Most of the ratchets they shame are white actually. You know, hateful, ignorant, elementary school drop outs like you!
      Have fun at the barstool you’ve undoubtedly claimed for life at Sullys tavern in Quincy or Malden or whatever other white trash suburban ghetto you and your kind reside in. TBS ain’t hate speech! Save that shit for the next Trump rally.

      • bigdaddy
        July 1, 2019 at 4:17 pm

        THAT shithead is just some triggered SJW posting crap like that so he can prove turtleboy is racist

      • Spic Tormentor
        July 1, 2019 at 6:18 pm

        Hey Michèal. No one gives a shit about spics. If you do pay taxes it’s probably under a dead persons social security number you modello loving shit stain.

      • Y
        July 1, 2019 at 7:55 pm

        Honest question, how could one possibly lean left after the last 2.5 years?
        Do you only watch mainstream news, or do you also seek independent news?

      • GHWELLS and children
        July 1, 2019 at 10:15 pm

        Right on Mr. Micheal Gomes, there’s always some dirtbag libtard that will post that shit to try and make it look like TBS riders are racist and bigoted. Another funny non-factual accusation of being a TBS rider. The cryers say we are all jobless with no time on our hands. Am glad to read you’re successful! Sounds like you’re a upper-level professional. Same here, 6 figures, multiple BAs and an MBA, President of a multi-million $ company (do not own.) And, I am part of a so called “minority” group. (Tis no BS.) You see people, many of us are onto the liberals tearing down this country, and want to help fight back. I know Mr. Gomes and I are not the only professionals either. Many more. And we can say say how we feel here. Fuck you NEwsflash, you poser.

      • FellowSpic
        July 1, 2019 at 11:26 pm

        Michael Gnomes, there are plenty of Hispanics that read and agree with Turtleboy, me being one of them. I only think anyone will be able to “prove” Turtleboy racist… and if anyone really is racist like that? Maybe they will be written about when they eventually mess up.

      • TL;DR
        July 2, 2019 at 2:34 am

        Build. The. Wall.


      • Bobby McGee
        July 2, 2019 at 9:11 am

        You paint with a broad brush asshole. Why do you feel the need to insult all the people of Alabama? You seem to like the term “white trash” and “hillbilly” of course you need to name your mythical bar Sully’s. You claim Quincy and Malden are white trash suburban ghettos. I get a kick out of your name MICHEAL, that’s how the Irish spell it, most spell it Michael
        If you tend to lean left after the last 2 and a half years then you also probably take it up the ass and cheer on the likes of Colin Kaepernick and Meaghan RaPEEhole.
        Fuck you “micheal” and your overt racism against white people.
        I love your follow up toady identities that describe their multiple degrees and identify as “professionals,” but they suck as hard as you do.
        I’ll remain a dumbass, bagpipe and fiddle playin’ hillbilly out of the hills of West Virginia that employs
        a lot of white trash guys machining little metal things that get welded together and wind up in outer space. I have no degrees but have helped most of my employees give their kids a pathway to a degree if they so desire.

    • John Wypyszinski
      Guess Who
      July 1, 2019 at 5:36 pm

      Hopefully you won’t be, people like you are like dogshit. They contribute nothing useful, smell like shit and draw flies. So, crawl back into the stall you inhabit in the men’s room and get back to the only job a turd like you is capable of – floating in the bowl til you get the royal flush. You remember them from your school days, right, dingus?

      • reading
        July 1, 2019 at 6:10 pm

        sounds like someone got butt thumped. you queer?

        • Johannes Ockeghem
          July 2, 2019 at 4:44 am

          Hey, I like getting butt thumped and one doesn’t have to be gay to do so. Call me erotic, maybe even criminally kinky, but I love my girlfriend ruining my rectum during a good free-for-all. Serious, want to have the best org of your life? Do your lady missionary, nice and slow, not motoring, while she cradles your sack with one hand and finger points her index finger up your bunger like a orchestra conductors’ wand tearing through Claudio Monteverdi’s Messa in illo tempore! You’ll erupt so hard and so long, she’ll call you Monday to tell you how much that Friday night excursion was still oozing out of her. And your leftist libtard’s say we don’t know how to have fun. Don’t knock it until you try it Reading! Boo! ( Johannes hopes he could do Bristol like this someday too, darn hubby, blah! lol)

          • Murphy
            July 2, 2019 at 5:32 am

            That’s too long of a post. You’re forcing it, son. See if they have any bowling leagues near you. Then study Kevorkian.

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