So you want to take down Turtleboy Sports once and for all, do you? Want to smite us out in the name of the social justice status quo so that you may be officially dubbed the Protector of Online Feelz?
Well then, first off – fuck you, you angel-soft bag of lily petals and tears. Please go grab a tissue for your tears, and a tampon for your weeping bloody vagina. In fact, please grab a whole box, so you can share with all these people, too:
It may help console them when they realize that, despite all that really wisely expended energy used to express their outrage, we’re still sitting at a 4.6 rating.
Then, secondly, sit down, pour yourself a nice, cool, gluten-free vegan keto-friendly glass of shut the hell up, and let me explain to you the only surefire way to shut this shit down for good. You’re welcome.
Plenty of people have tried by now, and boy – have they tried. Some people have all but dedicated their entire sad and meaningless existences to the task. And yet, despite all the self righteous indignation and vitriol hurled our way, still we stand.
Years of dedicated mass reporting our posts on social media for no legitimate reason whatsofuckingever definitely wounded us – but sadly, stopped short of vanquishing the Turtle.
Well now, how heroic, albeit ultimately, and tragically, ineffective.
Better luck next time, guys.
Boycotting our advertisers was clever, and certainly left a dent….
But unfortunately, our pesky readers picked up the slack (thanks guys!) And let’s be forthright for a minute – I’m personally not in this for the money. You realistically did more damage to the small businesses guilty of nothing more than seeking out advertising for their livelihoods. Very dashing of you!
Or maybe ask the ACLU and “Failure Swift”?
Even mailing libelous flyers across the boss’s hometown didn’t take us down.
Valiant effort, though.
By now you might be asking yourself, “What is the point of this, you stupid fat cunt? Just to gloat and brag? I thought you were going to tell us how to shut down your vile internet blog forever? The precious few minutes I’ve spent reading this so far could be so much better served reporting opinions and language I disagree with as pornography and terrorism on Twitter!”
Well, now, hold your horses, and I’ll tell you. It’s a simple, one step process that will completely bleed us dry. I promise. Are you ready?
Step One (And Only) To Completely Killing off Turtleboy Sports:
Stop broadcasting your entire stupid lives on the internet.
That’s literally it. Stupid easy.
Stop clogging up the interwebs with every fight you have with your baby daddy, every eviction you face because you “forgot” to pay your rent, every stupid thing you see someone’s kids do that you erroneously feel you have some sort of authority to preside over. Stop distributing every picture of every shitty meal you cook with the funds left over after your half on the dollar EBT flashsale – stop posting those sales online. Stop airing out all of your bullshit drama in your sentagraphs of pissed-off grammatical-abortions. Stop sharing every sordid detail of every misfortune, big or small, that emboldens you to beg complete strangers for $5,000 to pay for your DCF lawyer or another shitty apartment you are inevitably going to be booted from, because there is no website that collects basic life skills for you, nor can they be bought with random people’s pity cash. Stop announcing to the entire internet every time you *think* you witness racism because the 20-something burned out imbecile behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts forgot that black lady’s extra shot of caramel swirl. Just. Fucking. Stop.
Seriously. If you, and every other fucking idiot scumbag loser out there takes the time to do this, we’ll be done within the month. The only reason we have material, is because you fucking people can’t shut up. You can’t grasp the elementary concept of “public information”, and you consider yourselves so fucking relevant that what you say just HAS to be heard, by millions of people, right fucking now. That is…unless criticism rolls in where you were expecting a chorus of “yes” men to be. Then it’s an issue, then the boycotts and lawsuits and butthurt reviews come flooding in. It’s utterly ludicrous and entirely avoidable – just, with all due respect of course, shut the fuck up.
Why do you think we’re so popular? Because we are saying what other people are thinking. As bloggers here at Turtleboy, we simply strive illuminate facts that otherwise would languish in the shadows. In our quests to uncover, deduce and expose, we ourselves become the conduit to expose the simplest truth in modern human existence – people like to talk about other people. It’s human nature. Most people sit in the comfort and relative privacy of their own living rooms, discussing the eight hundredth batshit crazy status that guy from high school chemistry class posted today (He never really did show signs of going anywhere with his life, did he?), or the fifth kid their former neighbor is due to pop out in a few months (She never could even clean up after the kids she had, and she’s always complaining about the father in statuses!). We just came in and started splaying it out for the public to see, with no pretenses or facade to hide it. We don’t rely on hearsay or rumor – simply your own words, displayed openly for the world to see. You don’t have a problem with this, I’m sure –
Because they’re “public figures”, right? They asked for it. And somehow, you think, that by stepping in the middle of the proverbial crowded stadium that social media has become and loudly announcing your version of your own private life, you haven’t. You’re wrong. And we’re here to remind you.
The openness and transparency encouraged by the Internet begets an alarming level of nonstop exposure. Allowing the world to read about—and comment on—your political opinions is one thing. Allowing the world a front-row seat to witness every single facet of your existence comes with a flip side – you’re admitting evidence into the court of public opinion. Social media’s much-heralded opportunity for connection and expression, over time and amid the cacophony of competing voices, can lead to a form of leveling that risks rendering even the most serious topics banal, the most banal topics questionable. And the medium’s encouragement of self-exposure transforms private pain into voyeurism. The most engaging of these lands in our inboxes, and we take license to critique. There’s an easy way to stop it – shut the curtains if you don’t want the exposure. Or, keep them wide open and walk around metaphorically buck-ass naked, I don’t care. Just don’t pitch a bitch fit when you catch the neighbor’s gawking.
Prior to this surge of the Facebook newsfeed and Twitter threads, the road to fame was long and difficult. In order to get on the map, you had to hire an agent or audition for a gig. Every once in a while, there would be that lucky person who was just born into the right family. Today, all you need is a camera and a working keyboard. The rise of Internet celebrities has shown the rest of the world how easy it is to introduce yourself to the public. Attention is just one dramatic, inspiring, indignant or compelling post away – reality and facts be damned. And so, we exist, sometimes to debunk, or offer commentary, or simply point and laugh because we can – you gave us the material, we’ll give you the attention if you can catch ours. You decided to thrust yourself into the public eye, and the reality is the public has opinions and they’re not always flattering. Don’t like it? Then grow some damn boundaries. Look up the word “stoicism”, and perhaps even reflect on what society is lost.
Or, you can keep mass reporting, and we’ll keep writing, and we’ll see who comes out the better for it. Here’s a little pro-tip, though – the more you offer up reactions, the more material we get.