All-Star Criminals

Westfield Peach Fuzz Poonstachios Caught Stealing Quarters From West Springfield Laundry Room Defend Their Honor On Facebook, Pursue Rap Stardom, Build Underground Earthship Apartments


Meanwhile in West Springfield…..

Let’s give these peach fuzz poonstachios a break. By the looks of them these poor guys haven’t done laundry in years. They probably just wanted to take a Westfield shower – AKA rub dryer sheets in their armpits.

In a bold but ill advised move Allah Cockbar elected to share a link to the story with his explanation as to what REALLY happened.

So he ended up at his friend’s apartment complex, they didn’t answer the door, and naturally he ended up in the laundry room where he had no choice but to rummage through other people’s laundry in order to stay warm. That makes perfect sense actually.

He began posting in a Westfield community Facebook page, asking them to take down links to the story as well.

Now I get it. He saw the old man and didn’t realize what the guy’s intentions were, so naturally he fled in fear. Everyone knows that elderly people in West Springfield don’t fuck around. Best be on the safe side and run for your life.

Of course a good way to validate your story would be to name the guy whose apartment you were locked out of. Allah Cockbar informed concerned citizens that he spoke to his imaginary friend and he hashed out the differences with the gangsta old man who made them fear for their lives.

So that clears that up.

According to other people Allah Cockbar is well known in Westfield, and recently asked all residents for $1 so that he could show is loan shark that he had the cash.

He’s also got big plans for the future…..

Your city or town isn’t really hip unless it has underground earthships for apartments. Where do I sign up?

Since he’s been living underground in the earthship for so long he must’ve missed this cool new invention called “PayPal” where random people from other countries just give you money.

But unfortunately they don’t pay in quarters, so you’ll have to rob a laundromat for that.

Then again, it’s hardly surprising that stealing quarters is something he sees no issue with, since he evidently doesn’t mind going out for food and not paying.

Also, he’s been working on a new website that’s gonna make him so rich that he doesn’t need to steal quarters from a community washing machine.

Definitely wanna take financial advice from the guy who can’t afford a razor, soap, or deodorant.

On top of being a brilliant financial analyst he’s also a geopolitical expert.

His partner in crime is going a different route in life though…..

If two white guys from Westfield get arrested stealing quarters from a washing machine then it’s guaranteed that at least one of them is gonna be a rapper. That’s just science. It’s also why he can afford to quit his job at Walmart after two full months of employment.

His rap name is My$tic Mind.

Although he might wanna change that to MyCtic Mind, since he usually only deals with coins and not dollar bills.

And he really needs your vote for the digital talent show so he can win $100K!

(People who tell rappers not to give up on their dreams might as well tell these people to fake an injury and apply for SSI. Because that’s where that dream almost always ends up.)

Unfortunately he did not achieve this dream because when you click on the link you get this:

And this sentagraph is easily the greatest thing ever written on the Internet.

Had to read that a few times but I’m pretty sure I can sum it up as follows:

“I need you to give me $500 so I can sign up for this scam, even though I don’t think it’s a scam, because they’re gonna make me a professional rapper and I really need a job so I don’t end up stealing quarters from an apartment complex in West Springfield.”

Evidently this is what he refers to as “getting my life on track.”

Oh good, he’s getting new friends. Friends like Allah Cockbar. What could possibly go wrong?



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19 Comment(s)
  • whatevuh
    April 4, 2019 at 8:55 pm

    he is most certainly destined for greatness, so it’s no wonder he gave up that awesome job at Walmart, cart pusher. Every time I see one of them gathering shopping carts in the parking lot, I think to myself, that’s probably the next Jay Z rap star ! I should get autographs next time.

  • Shit for brains
    April 4, 2019 at 8:14 pm

    Stupidity personified.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Joe Biden
    April 4, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    I want to smell Joshua’s beard. Mmmm.

  • Father O’Touchahan
    April 4, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    In the name of the father, the son, and the holllyyyy spirrrrrrittttttt. Give Randall his day old cornbread. Lead us not into temptation by getting a whiff of Randall’s mom, and deliver us from her beaver, which looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    April 4, 2019 at 1:21 pm

    The Toecutter from Mad Max 1 wants his hairdo back

  • Deez Nutz
    April 4, 2019 at 1:13 pm

    I went to school in Westfield for 2 years, absolute shithole of a town, might as well change its name to eastbumfuck, ma.

  • Christopher Lettiere
    April 4, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    They’re sorry.

  • Lewis Skolnick
    April 4, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    How many pairs of panties did they steal? They could be tri-Lam material.

  • The Name Game
    April 4, 2019 at 12:22 pm

    Corny Smegma and Josh-why Palm-her, two fine upstanding young men, albeit with a flea- or lice-infested look. Ol’ Cory’s losing his ginger already, maybe he’ll go for the Larry Fine look. Josh must be a veteran of the mug shot, with the who-da-fuk-cares expression. So, they got locked out? Here’s a clue, ace: that phone you do your BookFacing on, has a function called “telephone,” from which you can “call” up your “friend.” Another clue: if he locked up, and went to sleep, he probably didn’t want you there in the first place. Josh either has a screw loose or is manic, or both; Cory just holds his thumb like it’s his dick.

    They should just market their sentagraphs. Or teach in Worcester. Might make good money teaching about “Dont rite lyke me i dont no no punkchuashun.”

  • Here's Quarter, Get That Rat To Keep Gnawing On Your Brains
    April 4, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    Quarters? Lowlife street rats and nothing more. Easy maf for the ignorant:
    1. 12 plants produce between 10-12 lbs.
    2. Done properly, it produces this every 2 months.
    3. 1,500.00 a pound.
    4. What is the yearly gross – (minimal time + 1,200.00 in materials every 2 month’s)
    5. Nice additional retirement payments.

    • Ratchets are like cockroaches
      April 4, 2019 at 6:42 pm

      Lol you full of shit dickhead.. 12 plants 10-12 lbs every 2 months.. you stupid prick, you don’t even know what the fuck you are talking about.

      • Is The Maf Difficult For You?
        April 4, 2019 at 7:39 pm

        It seems you have trouble growing, education is your friend. It is what is and the electric bills are the killer.

  • Masterbaiters...
    April 4, 2019 at 12:06 pm

    There are a couple of virgins if I have ever seen one.

  • No More Fingers
    April 4, 2019 at 12:04 pm

    Cut all their fingers off. That should deter the stealing.

  • Well, No Shit
    April 4, 2019 at 11:54 am

    THIS, my friends, is why “Roe v. Wade” should never be overturned. Take a good look at what happens when back-alley abortions go wrong.

  • Street rat
    April 4, 2019 at 11:52 am

    They both look like rashes waiting to infect someone

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