Meanwhile in West Springfield…..
Let’s give these peach fuzz poonstachios a break. By the looks of them these poor guys haven’t done laundry in years. They probably just wanted to take a Westfield shower – AKA rub dryer sheets in their armpits.
In a bold but ill advised move Allah Cockbar elected to share a link to the story with his explanation as to what REALLY happened.
So he ended up at his friend’s apartment complex, they didn’t answer the door, and naturally he ended up in the laundry room where he had no choice but to rummage through other people’s laundry in order to stay warm. That makes perfect sense actually.
He began posting in a Westfield community Facebook page, asking them to take down links to the story as well.
Now I get it. He saw the old man and didn’t realize what the guy’s intentions were, so naturally he fled in fear. Everyone knows that elderly people in West Springfield don’t fuck around. Best be on the safe side and run for your life.
Of course a good way to validate your story would be to name the guy whose apartment you were locked out of. Allah Cockbar informed concerned citizens that he spoke to his imaginary friend and he hashed out the differences with the gangsta old man who made them fear for their lives.
So that clears that up.
According to other people Allah Cockbar is well known in Westfield, and recently asked all residents for $1 so that he could show is loan shark that he had the cash.
He’s also got big plans for the future…..
Your city or town isn’t really hip unless it has underground earthships for apartments. Where do I sign up?
Since he’s been living underground in the earthship for so long he must’ve missed this cool new invention called “PayPal” where random people from other countries just give you money.
But unfortunately they don’t pay in quarters, so you’ll have to rob a laundromat for that.
Then again, it’s hardly surprising that stealing quarters is something he sees no issue with, since he evidently doesn’t mind going out for food and not paying.
Also, he’s been working on a new website that’s gonna make him so rich that he doesn’t need to steal quarters from a community washing machine.
Definitely wanna take financial advice from the guy who can’t afford a razor, soap, or deodorant.
On top of being a brilliant financial analyst he’s also a geopolitical expert.
His partner in crime is going a different route in life though…..
If two white guys from Westfield get arrested stealing quarters from a washing machine then it’s guaranteed that at least one of them is gonna be a rapper. That’s just science. It’s also why he can afford to quit his job at Walmart after two full months of employment.
His rap name is My$tic Mind.
Although he might wanna change that to MyCtic Mind, since he usually only deals with coins and not dollar bills.
And he really needs your vote for the digital talent show so he can win $100K!
(People who tell rappers not to give up on their dreams might as well tell these people to fake an injury and apply for SSI. Because that’s where that dream almost always ends up.)
Unfortunately he did not achieve this dream because when you click on the link you get this:
And this sentagraph is easily the greatest thing ever written on the Internet.
Had to read that a few times but I’m pretty sure I can sum it up as follows:
“I need you to give me $500 so I can sign up for this scam, even though I don’t think it’s a scam, because they’re gonna make me a professional rapper and I really need a job so I don’t end up stealing quarters from an apartment complex in West Springfield.”
Evidently this is what he refers to as “getting my life on track.”
Oh good, he’s getting new friends. Friends like Allah Cockbar. What could possibly go wrong?
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